Elderly mum criticism over my appearance

[GoldOP]

My mum is 90 and I’m 52, since I was a child she has been overly critical about my physical appearance, telling me I was fat as a child, when I’d gained weight as a young woman when my hair was too long, short, straight frizzy etc.
As my own kids have grown up I’ve heard her tell my dd (now 20) that she has chubby cheeks, she looked better blond (naturally blond as a child but light brown as an adult) but I’ve never really heard her critisise my ds (18) appearance or that of any of my nephews. I can’t comment on whether she ever critiqued the appearance of my 2 brothers as there is a big age gap and they are much older so I don’t remember …

Today I visited her, we sat there talking and I felt her staring at me so I braced myself for something, she told me my face looked fatter and I don’t suit my hair in a bun, “why do I wear it like that, how long is it worn down, why have it long if you’re going to tie it up just have it cut” I pointed out it was in a bun as needed washing and I was going to the gym after visit her.
I drove home feeling shit, it’s nothing new her being like this and I put up with it throughout my teens and 20’s but she kind of lay off me throughout my 30’s and 40’s as to be honest I was an ok looking woman!! But I think my perimenopausal face, dry hair, weight gain has given her warrant to unleash new criticism just when I thought she’d mellowed!!

Dont put up with rudeness. Hate the crap ah she wont live forever. They know exactly what they doing)

This however cannot be laughed off. Op has had this from her mother her entire life and she’s also said similar to her granddaughter. We are all adults you say - ops mothers emotional development ceased around the age of six. This sort of insult sticks in the mind too.

So let your name be mud. Who gives a shit?

Why do you take any notice? She is an ignorant, spiteful, ill mannered old woman. Just ignore her or laugh at her views, to her face.

Call her rudeness out if she criticises your dd.

Unfortunately society doesn’t want to accept some mums are cruel at heart. And when we refuse to see it as it is we further harm people harmed by cruel mothers. People who minimise such wanton behaviour are in denial about their own abusive experiences or have never experienced it and don’t want to even think about, either way it is only about protecting the faulty beliefs of their inner world. I mean god it’s terrible to realise that right now there are probably more children trying to deal with the living nightmare of a disordered parent than at any other time on earth. But you know, just laugh it off

Such insults stick in the mind and ops mother intends to do harm to both she and her daughter who has also received such comment. Ignoring it is impossible but not visiting her going forward is.

It cannot be excused due to generation and old age. People have a choice and people like ops mother were once young and abusive and now they are old and abusive. Age has not mellowed them and any authority figures they were actually afraid of have long since died off.

I don’t believe for a single second you would actually say this to your elderly parent.

Yes, my grandparents used to do this, it drove me mad. They were of a generation where personal appearance mattered more than it does now - they’re just very used to your ‘standing’/public reputation being intertwined with the way you look, and as PP said, saw you as a reflection of themselves.

I would just say, ‘oh no; I’m not changing that, I like it as it is’ and move on

My mum (who would have been 95) was the same with me. Not so much when I was a child but as an adult she had to say something every time I coloured my hair or had a new cut and what she said was usually negative. I learned to laugh it off, biting back did nothing apart from reinforce her belief that I was rude. But saying nothing and just laughing took away any power she had to dig under my defences - if she thought I didn't care about her opinion she had nowhere to go.

She wasn't a narcissist or any of the other diagnoses, she was just brought up thinking that looks were everything.

It could be a generational thing. My dad always used to comment on my yo-yoing weight but I never said anything in return. I think he thought he was ‘helping’ me in some way. A few years ago I said, ‘dad, when you comment on my weight, it really upsets me. Please can you stop doing it’. He was upset that he’d hurt me and he’s never done it since.

If your mum is otherwise a decent person, tell her that comments on your appearance always hurt you and ask her to stop.

My Mother-in-law is exactly like this. She's 88, but has always had the benefit of being slim and being able to dress well easily. But she the most sizest person I've ever met. Its not just size though, its how other women dress, their hair etc. Its tiring and vulgar. My wife comes in for a lot of quite catty comments from her. Swimsuits are a special issue, always making comments on her belly and once pointing out that some pubic hair was showing at the thigh. I do think its a generational thing. I've older found this type of vulgar remark making in older people.

Your mil is not an emotionally safe person to be around. Yes some elderly people can be vulgar but this particular trait of criticising other people’s appearance is not down to being from a certain generation. It’s to do with personality. She does this because she feels entitled to do so, she has no empathy whatsoever for others.

Even when women were 'measured by their looks' it was still considered rude and unkind to make personal comments about people's appearance to their face like that. My mum and MIL are in their 80s and would never critique their children's or grandchildren's appearances like that.

One of my own grandmothers was always pointing out people's physical flaws to them. My other grandmother would never have done that in a million years. They were the same age, both born in the 1910s - the difference was that one of them was bitter and unkind and used to like baiting people for attention, and the other one was kind, jolly and lovely.

If someone is unpleasant to you in their 90s, you don't have to put up with it. It's perfectly fine to tell them not to be so bloody rude.

@BauhausOfEliott I do agree with you but at age 90 OPs mother is not going to change. All OP can do really is protect her DD from this kind of negativity and seek support for her childhood trauma. In my view it wouldn't be worth going NC or nuclear over but better to just roll your eyes and move on with the day as hard as it is.

Madness. Absolute madness that we are groomed to tolerate abuse from people. Take my dad as a case in point. Always spiteful and always told to ignore. Thing is, this sort of spitefulness is never in a vacuum. A parent that feels unburdened by empathy won’t only be spiteful. There will be the unavoidable neglect that comes about from a parent who is off in their fantasy world of people thinking they’re and everything about them is amazing. I love how blasé people think we can be. Like I can come to terms with the fact thay my parent doesn’t consider my inner world unless they are using it to harm me and just sit their and have coffee with someone I have clocked not only doesn’t have my best interests at heart but that also harms me for no reason (and maybe enjoys it a little bit because some people are sick af) But you want me to pretend this isn’t the truth. Why? For whose benefit? Not for the person abusing because we’ve worked out they don’t care about us remember? Definitely not for us? Could it be that people just want things to look a certain way and stuff the actual reality of how dead inside some people are.

I agree that those saying laugh it off haven't experienced this for themselves. Mothers (at whatever age) are no sacred cows, whose behaviour (however bad) must be tolerated.

I'd have a think about boundaries, how often you are prepared to visit and what will make you cut the visit short, and how you will handle these comments. In my case I find it easiest to completely ignore the comment and completely change the subject, I spot the disappointment that flashes across her face as she knows she won't get a rise from me! No cruelty/ dominance dopamine for her..

But others may want to go very low contact. It is worth having a couple of rehearsed phrases up your sleeve too in case you decide a response is what's you'd like to give to maintain your boundaries.

Exactly. My parents, if they were still alive, would be a little bit older.
They were much of the mindset, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything".

Mine does this but less often these days. If she criticises me I reply with a version of “whenever I have a negative thought about your appearance Mum, I just keep it to myself. Not everything needs to said out loud”.
It throws her right off her game because I have somehow criticised her without criticising her and called her rude at the same time. She hates being told she’s impolite because it doesn’t fit with her view of herself as superior.

Ceasing contact is not an option, I can’t do that to a 90 year old woman and I’d have been better doing it 30 years ago when she was at her worse. It’s very interesting reading what you all have to say and recently I’ve come to realise she was emotionally (sometimes physically) abusive to me as a child, teenager, young woman and the emotional abuse is still rearing its head sometimes now.
She has never had any filter, saying what she likes to people and then wonders why they fall out with her, the consequence is that she had no friends and managed to alienate most of the neighbours over the years. She has mellowed a lot over the last decade largely due to hearing loss she refuses to do anything about, it’s difficult being so opinionated when you can’t hear what’s going on around you!
Moving forward I think the next time she criticises my or dd appearance I am shutting her down straight away, she will be told I don’t need her opinion. I mean I have mirrors does she think I don’t know my hair is dry and frizzy, going grey and needs a cut. Does she not think I know despite exercising 5 days a week the menopausal weight is still creeping on (for context I am 5’7 and size 12 so hardly obese) does she not think I notice the bags under my eyes from 20 plus years of night shifts (unlike her who has the luxury of not going out to work since the day she gave birth to my eldest sibling at 21) it’s draining

Op practice some comebacks. I like the one suggested where you demonstrate how you keep your unkind thoughts about her to yourself. You probably freeze when she starts and these will help you feel your agency and autonoy.

Sending you solidarity. I have a friend who does this. I have had to stop hanging out with her.

Fwiw I finally stopped letting my dad abuse me when he was 80 and in a care home. you shouldn’t need to be a super loving human to understand that, without knowing yourself why I did that, that I will have thought about it a lot and it wasn’t a flippant decision and felt more than justified in choosing estrangement as sad as it is. And in reality this is what I have found. People (lots) who love me are pleased I could finally protect myself. The few (1) who couldn’t celebrate for me had never been my fans anyway.

Mine is like this I was always criticised in fact the first time I got a compliment ( still in a sarcastic tone ) I was so shocked I remembered it , I was 32 ! I nearly asked her if she was feeling alright but did not as thought it would be rude it’s a shame she did not think like that when speaking to me

Have you tried telling her she's being rude and you don't like listening to rude comments? I said something like that to an elderly relative and she stopped.