Elderly mum criticism over my appearance

[GoldOP]

My mum is 90 and I’m 52, since I was a child she has been overly critical about my physical appearance, telling me I was fat as a child, when I’d gained weight as a young woman when my hair was too long, short, straight frizzy etc.
As my own kids have grown up I’ve heard her tell my dd (now 20) that she has chubby cheeks, she looked better blond (naturally blond as a child but light brown as an adult) but I’ve never really heard her critisise my ds (18) appearance or that of any of my nephews. I can’t comment on whether she ever critiqued the appearance of my 2 brothers as there is a big age gap and they are much older so I don’t remember …

Today I visited her, we sat there talking and I felt her staring at me so I braced myself for something, she told me my face looked fatter and I don’t suit my hair in a bun, “why do I wear it like that, how long is it worn down, why have it long if you’re going to tie it up just have it cut” I pointed out it was in a bun as needed washing and I was going to the gym after visit her.
I drove home feeling shit, it’s nothing new her being like this and I put up with it throughout my teens and 20’s but she kind of lay off me throughout my 30’s and 40’s as to be honest I was an ok looking woman!! But I think my perimenopausal face, dry hair, weight gain has given her warrant to unleash new criticism just when I thought she’d mellowed!!

I can remember being about 8 and her running me a bath, she then made me stand there naked while she got me on the scales, told me I had a spare tyre and tree trunk legs. Laughable really that as the parent she controlled my diet and clearly let me become an overweight child, it was only when I took control of my own diet as an adult that I lost weight. Ironically I then got told I was too thin!

OP that is not normal. It is not a generational thing. It is not misguided "care".

That is flat out abusive and narcissistic and I am surprised you escaped without developing an eating disorder after that.

I am so sorry.

What do you mean she doesn’t mean any harm? It doesn’t sound harmless to me.

Would she object if you told her that her hair was unflattering or her coat makes her look scruffy? I bet she wouldn’t like it one bit!

My mum has always been like this. Called me chubby from a child. Makes a joke of it, when its not funny. Dont know why she does it, but it doesnt hurt me anymore at 50.

This. ^ The woman is 90, she's not going to change, and ghosting her and calling a rancid old bag or something (as a few posters have suggested,) and threatening that she will never see you again is pointless. All you can do is ignore her comments. After over 50 years, you'd think someone would be used to it by now and just ignore it. She obviously can't help herself.

That said, you are entitled to feel annoyed, but saying she makes you feel worthless and shit isn't helping you. She's not going to stop, so just ignore the comments. I know it's hard but you can do little else really. My mum was very critical of me, and made really barbed comments, I mean about everything about me. My weight, my hair, my job, my husband (and any boyfriend I had before him,) the way I was raising my children, my house, the way I drove the car, all sorts. (She couldn't even drive, but still slagged off my driving!)

Weirdly though, like with you @GoldOP she never EVER critisized my brother. (He is 9 years younger than me.) He could do no wrong, he was the blue eyed boy, and he never had to lift a finger around the house, and was waited on hand and foot by her. I was assigned chores in the house, and was scolded regularly by female relatives and female neighbours for 'not helping my mum more' in the house. I shouldn't need to be told apparently. I should be just doing it.

Not my perfect, precious, golden-boy brother. Noooooo. He didn't have to do ANYthing!

He was regularly bankrolled too, by our parents (and grandmother at some points) he was out of work half the time, and he was a layabout. Bone idle. He got married at 33, and I honestly have great pity for his wife. I have very little to do with him now, and haven't for about a decade and a half since our parents died. Once they died (very close together,) we drifted. He lives 100s of miles away from me now, and I haven't seen him 7-8 years, and aren't bothered about seeing him. He has a son, who (from what I have heard) is as much of a useless grabby entitled twat as him.

But yes, historically, many mothers favour boys/sons, and it honestly fucks me right off.

.

It sounds as though OP's mum has always been very unpleasant though. It's not just old age making her lose her filter. She has always judged her own daughter on her looks and said unkind things to her ever since OP was a child.

She also does it to her grandaughter so is obviously one of those women that enjoy putting other women down.

OP's mum is very lucky that OP still visits her. I wouldn't bother.

@zov sorry you went through it too but the fact she doesnt do it to your brother means she clearly CAN help it. It's deliberate and behavioural.

This also applies to the other people claiming their relative can't help it and doesn't mean any harm. Of course they mean harm from it. They are getting a dopamine hit from the dig.

I can guarantee these people wouldn't meet the vicar or someone else they look up to and say "good morning vicar- you look really fat today, when are you going to go on a diet?"

"Well, fine, I can lose a little weight, but what are you going to do about your mean and nasty attitude"?

What do you mean when you say that 'she literally can't help it'? If you told her that the things that she says are hurtful, would she continue regardless? Surely she only can't help it if she is suffering from some sort of cognitive decline or dementia? Otherwise, it is a choice that she is actively making to criticise your weight and looks.

Absolutely - it's a power play - when you were a kid, they had all the power to make you feel good or bad, and they yearn for that again... The vicar is high-status, and probably male, they ain't touching that one...

Plus the misogyny - @zov, my family dynamic was the same, except no sensible woman will have my idle, self-centred brother and he's become Mommy Dearest's little squire and pseudo-husband in his own age... 🤢

I learned long ago to laugh at her pronouncements - my sister and I compare notes - you can be both too thin and too fat in one visit, and the hair, my god - why are they all obsessed with hair?! Mine started when we hit our teens, I reckon it's a 'containment of women's sexuality', competitive thing...

But on a kind day, I can find pity for the malignant old narcissist because she hates all other women sooo much, and at least some of that must be turned inward on herself, and the desperate narcissism is a way of trying to paste over that...

One of the great lessons of my life has been that, despite what my family said, women are actually pretty bloody amazing! 🤗

I know you're probably right, she should be able to control herself, but I do feel at 90, her behaviour is not going to change, and stressing about it, and allowing yourself to feel 'shit' and 'worthless' is pointless.

JMO. Based on my own experience. I used to feel like the OP does. But by my mid 30s, I stopped taking any notice/stopped caring. I mean, I did find it a bit annoying, but my DH (and several friends I had/have) told me to ignore her. Everyone I spoke to either had a mother like this, or knew someone who did. DH's mother wasn't like this, but her mother before her was.

"You're no oil painting yourself Mum"

In my 30s I was showing my Grandma a photo of me (in a nice summer dress on a weekend away looking happy) and she went "who's that?" me! "oh, I thought it was some fat woman". Cheers for that dementia.

We have rolled our eyes, laughed at moments like great grandparents breaking our teenage hearts saying we had "big strong legs" (a compliment to them, they thought we looked fit and healthy) when we just wanted to be skinny waifs.

BUT - it's so different when it's your mum. When it's been consistent and it's clearly worn you down over the years.

I'm so glad you recognise how damaging it is and have broken the cycle with your own kids.

Have you told your mum how hurtful and boring her comments on your appearance are? That you've got so much more about yourself to be proud of and happy with (and I'd imagine you look absolutely fine anyway, gym bun or otherwise!).

@Gribouille Solidarity! 😃

I have to say actually, I did 'fight back' with my mum, and slagged her off a couple of times. She burst into tears, told everyone what I had said, and my names was absolute mud for weeks. I just gave up, I never slagged her off again, and I just ignored her. As I say it is hard and this should not be a thing, but it is what it is. You either tolerate it/ignore it, or ghost her/go NC.

I do have huge empathy though @GoldOP honestly I do. I just developed a very thick skin with my mum.

So my DM is a similar age and has always done this to her three DDs including me. I've always ignored it but when she did it to my DD who was five, saying she had the same awful figure as all the women in our family (FFS) in front of her, I thought enough was enough. Arguing with my mum gets me nowhere so I tried a different tack.

I told her that her comments made me really sad and worried for her and I just wanted to her to know that her own body IS good enough and always has been if that's the real issue, as surely she thinks her granddaughter is beautiful inside and out. I said I was very concerned about how caught up she was with outward appearances and judging other women's bodies, that perhaps it wasn't her fault but the result of growing up in a patriarchal society. I even suggested she undertake some therapy around positive body image so she could be at peace and just enjoy her life.

I drew a line in the sand in a very sympathetic tone and said I wanted my DD to have a positive body image and I would not allow her to hear any such comments in the future.

My DM was extremely taken aback and quickly said she was just joking around and it wasn't that deep. She then relayed the whole thing to my sisters in phone calls so she clearly had a good think about it and has been better with me since.

Nailed it. I don't particularly agree with posters saying oh she'll never change or go to therapy (what because someone treats you like crap?). We all evolve and change as time moves on and things I said or did when I was younger, I wouldn't dream of now. We learn. We educate ourselves and we do better. So I don't think her age or upbringing are a catch all excuse for mean and nasty behaviour. She chooses to be like that.

No one can quite cut you down like your own mother. Mine always thought she was being subtle but she’d look me up and down and go ‘hmmpf’. And then say ‘oh Maria has lost a stone on this new diet…’ or ‘I’ve found a new hair dresser you need to try’. Or if out to lunch, Mrs ‘never been larger than a size 10’ would say ‘oh I don’t want dessert - I don’t need it! But if you want something…’
But your mum sounds cruel. I’d be telling her every time she said something that it was not nice, unhelpful and made you feel sad and does she want you to feel sad? You don’t change her thinking it but maybe she can refrain from saying it. In the end if my mother ever mentioned my weight I’d say it’s not up for discussion and change the subject.

My sister and I both now in our 60s have lifelong self esteem and mental health issues because of a mother who sounds just like yours and the OP's.

As a teen my mother regularly told me I was fat (I was a size 10), ugly, a slut and what a state I looked wearing basically anything. She also threatened to cut off my lovely long hair in my sleep.

It is hard to know what fuels a person like this. In my mother's case I learned she was a raging narcissist after reading a website for daughters of narcissistic mothers. It really helped me to understand this. I never managed to forgive my mother for the damage she did to me and my sister and when she died last year, I felt nothing but relief.

My mum is exactly the same. She once refused to speak to me as I had cut a fringe in my hair without consulting her and she thought it was ugly. I was in my 30s then. I'm in my 50s now and it never changes. Appearance counts more then anything we may say or do. She is the same, to a lesser degree, with my brother.

She's not going to stop, so just ignore the comments. I know it's hard but you can do little else really

please tell me you would never say this to someone disclosing this sort of harm. Please tell me you would never actually tell someone you love that they have to tolerate harm.

I recommend the book ’adult children of emotionally immature parents’. It’s really helped me deal with my mum, if only because I now have zero expectations from her.

Op she sounds like mine 80s and no filter. Its not nice though. They wont change..

This is a wild overreaction! Cut contact cos she makes bitchy comments about your hair … yes it’s annoying. But we’re adults now and we can laugh these things off and realise that it’s them not us. The OP needs constructive advice on how to deal with it and retain a good relationship. This is a very low bar with which to ‘diagnose’ someone with narcissism and is actually really destructive and wrong advice. The OP can find her power and navigate this stuff.

Oh OP, that story about you as an 8 year old is so cruel and so horrible. I really feel for you and everyone on this thread who has a harsh, critical, negative mother. It's so incredibly painful

I agree with others that she won't change, however that does NOT mean that her behaviour is ok or can be excused. You are absolutely justified in finding her behaviour upsetting or intolerable. In terms of how you respond, some kind of grey rock response where you don't engage is possibly best - 'oh well never mind', or similar. You're not agreeing with her, you're just refusing to get involved in this messed up dynamic. She says horrible things to you because she gets something out of it - don't give her a reaction that she will find satisfying

How would it feel to see less of her, so you don't have to deal with her cruelty so often?

I disagree. I cut my Dad off over a year ago over similar. He seemed incapable of not commenting on my weight in front of my children. I wasn't prepared to risk my DD growing up hearing it and her being affected as so many of the women on this post have been.
I'm fortunate to also have a great step dad. In fairness he and my mum have also made comments in the past, but I think the situation with my Dad has made them realise they're being unreasonable.
My weight has fluctuated, they're full of praise when I lose weight masked as concerns for my health.

Cut contact cos she makes bitchy comments about your hair

Your daughter reveals her partner has always shamed her for her looks and she’s thinking of leaving because he can’t stop it. You then tell her she is wildly overreacting? You tell her to laugh his contempt off as if he was just wearing a silly hat and not choosing to harm someone he should love, again?