Elderly mum criticism over my appearance

[GoldOP]

My mum is 90 and I’m 52, since I was a child she has been overly critical about my physical appearance, telling me I was fat as a child, when I’d gained weight as a young woman when my hair was too long, short, straight frizzy etc.
As my own kids have grown up I’ve heard her tell my dd (now 20) that she has chubby cheeks, she looked better blond (naturally blond as a child but light brown as an adult) but I’ve never really heard her critisise my ds (18) appearance or that of any of my nephews. I can’t comment on whether she ever critiqued the appearance of my 2 brothers as there is a big age gap and they are much older so I don’t remember …

Today I visited her, we sat there talking and I felt her staring at me so I braced myself for something, she told me my face looked fatter and I don’t suit my hair in a bun, “why do I wear it like that, how long is it worn down, why have it long if you’re going to tie it up just have it cut” I pointed out it was in a bun as needed washing and I was going to the gym after visit her.
I drove home feeling shit, it’s nothing new her being like this and I put up with it throughout my teens and 20’s but she kind of lay off me throughout my 30’s and 40’s as to be honest I was an ok looking woman!! But I think my perimenopausal face, dry hair, weight gain has given her warrant to unleash new criticism just when I thought she’d mellowed!!

My mother is 85 this year, and is also a horrific misogynist. To the point that she still thinks all of the ex Prince Andrew's accusers are making it up, and that women 'must have done something' to 'make' a man hit them...

Since I can remember she was always going on about how high my forehead is, how I must ALWAYS cover it with a full fringe. I also had quite a prominent birthmark on my cheek until I was in my teens...I'm now 56 and still can't stand having my photo taken, thanks to my mother.

I 'solved' the problem by moving to the other side of the world when I was 25. I'm very low contact with her now, haven't seen her in nearly 17 years. Not just because of this, both my parents are narcissists and myself and my two brothers had a terrible childhood due to their selfishness.

Oh I had one of these. I was taken to the doctors at age 11 because I was fat - so who had been feeding me then?
In my 20s and 30s it was a “why don’t you have a bit of a perm?” I used to ask which bit!
It’s not funny really. I have always had low self confidence and these are the top of a very large iceberg.

My mother made me have a perm when I was 15. I looked fucking TERRIBLE. I was already being bullied at school, this was a fucking present from heaven for them. She also used to buy me the same dreadful coats as my brothers...I'm sure she did it all deliberately to make sure boys wouldn't be interested in me (it worked).

Yep, I hear you.

I was a size 8 and 5'7 until I hit 40. My DM has, since then, told me I'm fat, to lose weight, my hair is too long, that I've 'gone to pot'. She's also told me to find myself another husband (divorced twice) and stop complaining. My DF messaged me to tell me to stop telling DM miserable things, she only wants to hear happy things.

I had an accident last week and have caused myself a bit of damage (think falling down the stairs). I live alone. She phoned and told me just how useless I am. I'm 54!

Currently, I'm sat here with a cracked rib, sprained knee and ankles as well as extensive bruising. But it's okay because I can still help DM when she phones and asks for help with an online voucher 🙄

Smile and wave, folks, smile and wave.

I told my mother what she said was offensive she then didn’t speak to me or her grandchildren for over 2 years

It is narcissism. She gets a boost from being horrible to others. She’d be like that whatever you looked like. They care more about things look to others than how things feel, or how much they hurt you. There’s a reason they treat girls worse than boys but I can’t remember what it is. Reading about it has given me a great deal of peace. I’d recommend it.

If you dare complain, they come back with worse abuse or discard you. They can’t take criticism themselves.

Don’t get caught up in explaining your appearance because you are validating the unnecessary and unsolicited comments. Don’t get caught up in expressions of anger; the person isn’t likely to learn anything and may relish the reaction they’ve provoked. Say firmly ‘I’m not here to discuss my appearance,’ change the subject, ignore if possible.

And, you can state - very firmly - that you are perfectly content with yourself as you are, can look in the mirror and know yourself to be a decent person, and sleep with a clear conscience.

I don't know what you are talking about. I look great. Everyone says so. Have you got cataracts?

My Mum was a bit like this sometimes. Always putting me down. Never building me up. She died last year. I hate to say it but I do feel lighter.

I'm laughing at this thread. We could be twins. It was my sibling's funeral last Tues. We didn't get on. My mum is devastated at loss of golden child. I've been there. She's been "unable" to cope with any decisions, yet has criticised mine. I have supported, as always. She didn't like what I wore to the funeral - too colourful. Praised my DC for their support - the support i had had to lead DC to. I smile sweetly and change the subject. We will have issues when she realises my boundaries are different to sibling.

My mother is the same. I have her letters that she wrote to her mother in her twenties. The amount of criticism of other women and their weight and clothes is unbelievable.

My mother has always been very critical of my weight and appearance. My mother in law was the same. They were both brought up to judge other women on their appearance because it was the only currency they had in their day. My mother is nearly 89.

My mum is very difficult. She made me feel very ugly as a child and teenager.
She doesn't comment as much now. The right to make completely unsolicited comments on women's weight and appearance does seem to be at least partly generational as already mentioned by other posters.
I don't think it is Ok to smile and ignore it. Abuse is abuse. Rude and inappropriate comments need challenge. Even if this is gentle and polite .
It is sad. I am sure we have all done better by our own children💐🦋❤️

Oh yes! My mum gave me a home perm when I was about 14… I had a bit of a natural wave, but god it was awful. I can remember my friends looking at me in horror.
And a few years ago - when I was early 50s - I was staying with them and mentioned that I’d forgotten my hair straighteners, mum told me I didn’t need them as my hair is dead straight. There’s a reason for that… 🤣
Being serious tho, when I had children I promised myself that I would never ever belittle them and when I asked them recently (they’re now early 30s) they said that I’d succeeded so taking that as a win. Needless to say, my relationship with my kids is so much better than with my own mum.