She wants kids at 46 and doesn't call

[Italianmower]

I recently met a wonderful 46-year-old woman(I am m36), and while we’ve only had two dates, our connection is intense; she is a beauty and a very fascinating person. We met twice and I travelled for a month but we message constantly, and I even picked up a bottle of her favourite wine while travelling, which led to an invitation for dinner at her place tomorrow. However, I’m navigating two specific hurdles and would appreciate some female perspective.

1 - she relies heavily on lengthy voice notes, sometimes up to 30 minutes long 🙄which makes it difficult to track every detail when it comes to responding. Despite my hints and a few missed calls to her, she seems to action my suggestion for real-time phone conversations. How can I gently suggest switching to calls without dismissing her preferred way of communicating or sounding too keen to do calls(maybe she has a valid reason for this?).

2 - she recently mentioned being ready for children(she rushed over this topic I could not even address it). Given her age and some issues people face conceiving at such an age, I’m conscious of the potential complexities and costs involved, such as IVF, which I’m not prepared to pursue if it ever comes to it(no i am not assuming she would expect me to fund it but it is likely a mutual thing for those who do it). I’m personally neutral on having kids; if she was young, I would likely not have any reservations down the road(not saying being young means it is easy to conceive for everyone), but I don’t want to respond in a way that feels harsh , judgemental or dismissive.

How should I best address these topics during our dinner tomorrow?
FYI some may say, it is too early to talk about this; personally I date with intention at this stage and so does she so it is crucial to talk about these things early.

Or breathtakingly conceited and self absorbed and prefers a captive audience.

This won't end well so cry off and hide. Gently.

Don’t forget to use protection. Women can still get pregnant at 46.
It honestly doesn’t sound like you like her that much, you are just nosey. 😆

The older the woman, the riskier the pregnancy. The chance of miscarriage is much higher, and the chance of pregnancy complications and birthing complications also increases.

Older mothers and/ or fathers (dads' sperm, not just older eggs) also increase the risk of birth defects.

It's an all-round much more challenging situation to be in.

So yes, women can get pregnant in their late 40s and even early 50s, but unless it's something you are certain you want, given all the associated risk, including having to look after a disabled child for the remainder of your life, women should absolutely stay on the pill.

I'm a similar age to the woman in question, and if I were having sex I'd absolutely be making sure I'm on birth control because despite my eggs being knackered due to my age, I simply wouldn't want to risk the trauma of a pregnancy that is highly likely to result in miscarriage, and I am in no position financially or support-wise to be bringing what might be a disabled child into this world.

Let’s face it , after two dates that’s enough to send anyone running for the hills. Like at 29 it’s something that doesn’t have to happen immediately.

I think she's right to mention it. No point in you both wasting time getting to know each other only to find out 2 months down the line that you're on completely different pages. It's good to have the information - you can decide what you do with it.

The 30 minute voice notes on the other hand are a different story altogether but what have you got to lose by going except a few hours? And you might gain a good story if nothing else....told sympathetically of course. She doesn't sound like a bad person from what you've said, just a bit lacking in social awareness...

The oldest first time mum I know was 49 when she gave birth. Her DC is now 4

She loves her DC a lot but she has confided in me that she has found parenting a young baby + perimenopause + working full time very difficult.
She decided to take a lower paid job and cut down her hours.

The long voice notes are just plain weird.

Hope you have a nice meal, just be wary of all the red flags people are pointing out.

Run away as fast as you possibly can.

If someone is very physically attractive and sociable they will have LOADS of opportunities for a baby before they are 46.

So the reason she hasn't had a child yet is....she just doesn't want one. Fair enough.

Suspect she wants children now as she wants someone permanently tied to her, she knows she is getting older and the attention is drying up.

She's aware a lot of "normal" dates get put off by her after a short time so wants to trap someone now.

She knows she's socially difficult but doesn't want to change and she needs someone locked in to be her carer/audience/enabler.

People with this personality issue often have a lot of "superficial friends" and get lots of dates as they can be good organisers and have social capital if attractive/good job.

If someone is quieter/feels awkward the intense dominating attention can feel very flattering and like a true connection.

They find it harder to have close people who actually can stand them in the longer term, or who tolerate the monologues and self-centred behaviour.

I suspect she can't even cognitively process a "two way" conversation or anyone's preferences/thoughts apart from her own.

There's a lot of people who are ostenibly clever/have a professional job/social capital but clearly have underlying conditions.

i think any man with half a brain cell would run for the swiss alps never mind the hills!!! i like voicenotes but fuck half an hour long ones. in my view 36 is past it for a first baby, 46 is ludicrous. she is deranged.

I finally discussed this with her - moved the meet a day early.
She claims she just hasn't met anyone suitable throughout her life to settle with - she has lived with someone only once (for a few months).

She has only ever had relationships that are less than a year also (this is a Red flag and a put off for me)

I will send a nice "sorry, it won't work " message and call it a day.

Big lesson here, once you see red flags, run! she seems to lack accountability also which is something I noticed over the last 24hours and I am runnnnnning fast

ps if she's as attractive and wonderful as you say, she could have had a baby years ago. baby trap comes to mind.

She sounds batshit. Run.

haha i mean, she is beautiful but you are right, maybe it's me being intrigued by her personality than anything else.

you are right - I think after meeting, it is baby trap or one of those where one is desperate to have a child so much they love bomb you and do all they find fit to seem so keen on you.

It is vanishingly unlikely she would be able to trap you with a natural, unassisted conception.

But she's nuts.

Are you also female?

i noted in my opening (I am m36)

Sounds like a good move. I wouldn't even want to be a close friend or confidante of someone like this.

If they have some good social skills they can be super charming (especially when they have their full attention on you, if they're physically attractive or have nice manners and a cool job or lifestyle).

but its all an act to get you trapped.

They drive people away then have to find new ones to validate them and listen to their monologues.

Someone should be able to perceive that 30 minute voice notes (but refusing to talk normally on the phone) is weird or creepy or makes the other person uncomfortable. She doesn't care.

Men and friends will have told her before but its more important she does what she wants.

TLDR - but the age gap is too much when you are factoring in fertility and children...

Although women CAN still get pregnant after 46 that's a) fairly contingent on their having carried a pregnancy to term before - a natural conception and live birth even at 40 is much less likely if you have no prior children and that's not only an effect of selection bias and b) it's like saying that people CAN survive advanced pancreatic cancer for 10 years. Yes, it is possible. But it's very unlikely. To me an implicit lack of acknowledgment that you've probably missed the boat at 46 is at least a yellow flag for some kind of general lack of stability.

30
minute
voice
notes

Get out, don't look back!

Lucky escape I think OP. Red flags everywhere and I would be very suspicious if somebody if that age who has never had a relationship longer than a year.

In the case of the family member I mentioned earlier, she doesn’t know what it is about her that doesn’t appeal and stated ‘she is trying to figure it all out as to what she should change’…

there are good people out there who have missed out on the opportunity to meet their life match, and who may come across as happy to please.

I feel desperately sorry for her because it’s leaving her, a lovely, attractive, well educated and travelled individual, terribly insecure...

HRTFT, but I'm getting the sense she's latched on to you because her biological clock has near enough run out. Not in any way insinuating that you're not a catch, but she's screaming desperation! Mega no!
Definitely run a mile, the 30 minute voice notes are just mad for a start, let alone the rest of it! 2 dates in?! Eeek!
There is no good outcome to this. Cut her off now or we'll be reading a Baby Reindeer situation in a couple of months!
Good luck!