She wants kids at 46 and doesn't call

[Italianmower]

I recently met a wonderful 46-year-old woman(I am m36), and while we’ve only had two dates, our connection is intense; she is a beauty and a very fascinating person. We met twice and I travelled for a month but we message constantly, and I even picked up a bottle of her favourite wine while travelling, which led to an invitation for dinner at her place tomorrow. However, I’m navigating two specific hurdles and would appreciate some female perspective.

1 - she relies heavily on lengthy voice notes, sometimes up to 30 minutes long 🙄which makes it difficult to track every detail when it comes to responding. Despite my hints and a few missed calls to her, she seems to action my suggestion for real-time phone conversations. How can I gently suggest switching to calls without dismissing her preferred way of communicating or sounding too keen to do calls(maybe she has a valid reason for this?).

2 - she recently mentioned being ready for children(she rushed over this topic I could not even address it). Given her age and some issues people face conceiving at such an age, I’m conscious of the potential complexities and costs involved, such as IVF, which I’m not prepared to pursue if it ever comes to it(no i am not assuming she would expect me to fund it but it is likely a mutual thing for those who do it). I’m personally neutral on having kids; if she was young, I would likely not have any reservations down the road(not saying being young means it is easy to conceive for everyone), but I don’t want to respond in a way that feels harsh , judgemental or dismissive.

How should I best address these topics during our dinner tomorrow?
FYI some may say, it is too early to talk about this; personally I date with intention at this stage and so does she so it is crucial to talk about these things early.

Haha I told DH on our first date I wanted kids. Not specifically his and I was 29 not 46 but he was 36. If he didn't want kids, why bother dating him? I think in your 30s upwards it's better to be open early and make the rules clear.

As such OP I'd message her and say you've thought on what she said about wanting kids and you don't want to start a family at all. If this is an issue for her, you understand

Your 2 dates in. It's perfectly normal to express if you want kids at this stage although I'd ask a few questions about how she wants to achieve this.
If you like her company then go to the supper. Maybe say that the long voice notes are too much and can she please keep them to under 3 minutes and see how she responds.

I’d run far away very quickly. Way too intense and the lengthy voice notes would drive me insane.

Then why is she single if she is this amazing person and I don't doubt she isn't. Getting maternal at 46 is she having a laugh. She spent most of her life living how she wanted. Going down the IVF route will be an emotional journey especially if it doesn't work out.

I couldn’t hack the 30 minute voice notes and if she is 46 you will almost certainly need ivf to conceive (plus probably donor eggs) It seems bizarre for her to be suggesting trying for a family at her age and at this stage in your relationship and I say this as someone who has had ivf. I mean I dunno what to advise you really. Is this what you want ?

She sounds like a fucking idiot. Run.

In my experience the people I've known who had a thing for voice notes, in other words, one sided conversation, were narcissists and a bit mad. There is a very slim chance she's going to get pregnant at 46, even with medical intervention. Sounds like she's hurriedly trying to find someone to do all that with. It's all too much for 2 dates in and I wouldn't be seeing her again.

I think that’s ok at 29. At 46 when time is beyond running out and you are likely to need high intervention it isn’t quite the same in my opinion.

Are you sure this is not a scam?

A 30 min voice note can be reused many times on different punters, until someone baits. Is the note generic?

The fact she avoids real time calls prevents her being found out too early because she may not be who she says she is. It also means she is busy scamming others and will not invest the time until she knows you are sufficient bait gullible desparate to not waste her time.

The huge foreseeable expense of IVF funded by you sounds like a good alibi to continually suck money out of you indefinitely.

You should dig into her a bit more. Google. Reverse image google search. Search where she works. Electoral register. Companies House. Address on Land Registry. Anything and everything she tells you, try to verify it online. Then ask 'innocent' questions to see if her story lines up. Pretend she said something and see if she 'remembers'. Liars often cannot get their story straight because they cannot remember what they told each person, so if you told her she said something she did not, she might very well admit to it.

You've never been to her house/flat it does sound like she's in a rush. If you like her then by all means procreate

You should dig into her a bit more.

No, he should just run screaming and hit the panic button on the way out.

AWOOGA AWOOGA

@Lightwell why is children at 46 bonkers? I had mine at 37 but I have friends who have had their kids in their 40’s. My grandma had my mum at 49. If your fit and healthy it isn’t a problem. You also have experience of life behind you. People might say what if you develop a serious disease or whatever, but that can happen at any age.

OP, Mumsnet has a very fixed idea about what relationships should look like and what families should look like so take all this with a pinch of salt.

If you're both dating with intention that's good because no one has time for messing about at this age. I had a natural, easy pregnancy at 46, nearly 47 so it's not all lost - but you need to do some real soul searching yourself about whether you really want this because it will likely have to be soon, and as you mention there may need to be intervention. A clear and honest position just as you've given here is a great way to approach it.

The voice note thing I can't help you with. I'd be more direct that you just won't listen to them as hinting hasn't worked so far but honestly I hate them with a passion so I can see why it's a stumbling block for you! But again, direct communication is the key.

Only you can decide if you want to continue this relationship. She's laid her cards on the table, you should too and see if you can see a way forward.

How did you meet? Was she the one who approached you?

Bullshit.
Run.

46 isn't too old to have kids. There are women who have kids using IVF with their partners while both of them are in their late 40s.

But. 46 is too old to realistically have kids with someone you've just met who probably isn't ready to start trying immediately and ivf is off the table.

If OP sticks with this she is probably going to want to start trying for a baby in the next few months if she is at all aware of her own fertility. If she conceives (big if) there is a very high chance of miscarriage or chromosomal abnormality. Which she may use to further push for IVF, which will likely cost of lot money for repeat collections, multiple failed transfer before moving onto even more expensive donor eggs.

Is that a life you want OP?

If she wants a baby she could go to a sperm bank and have IVF through their clinic. Poor bloke has come to Mumsnet he feels bewildered and pressured after 2 DATE'S. It's a lot all at once and I don't think she has thought it through properly. She has had her own way for most of her life shecannot force him to have a child with her when she feels ready after 2 DATES. She is looking foolish and unreasonable and has made the op feel like he is walking in egg shell's.

I agree.

Yes this is madness.

She is treating him as the sperm donor she sounds impulsive.

For ppl who say that she[s too old to be able to conceive - I[m a retired physio and worked for a while in Maternity/Gynecology - we had two ladies over 50 who had healthy babies! Justmsaying :-)

Being open about wanting children wouldn’t bother me, I think it’s sensible to lay your cards on the table. I remember having quite a panicked conversation with my husband early on because I wanted kids and needed to know it could be a possibility. I was 33 at the time. If I’d been 46 I don’t think I’d have bothered.

But I would not be pursuing anything with a person who sent me a 30 minute voice note. That is pathological.

Just tell her you won't be listening to long voicemails. Tell her it doesn't work for you.

Well, I don't know where you've got all that from! She's not forcing anyone to do anything, it's not wrong for her to have been forthcoming about what she wants - good for her I say, best not waste each other's time. OP has free will and can choose to take it or leave it. No one is being oppressed to father children, get it together.

The voice note thing can be solved with a direct request. If she doesn't respect that then that's a problem in itself, but as he hasn't asked her yet it's difficult to know how she'll respond.

That's fair enough. I'm glad it isn't always a bad idea. It seems in OP's case it's kind of freaked him out though.