Would you continue this relationship?

[EagerTaupePlayer]

I think I know what most posters will say but would like opinions. I’ll try and give as many details as possible without it being revealing.

Relationship relatively recent and I live in a different city from partner. Partner lives in a different city for work. Last week he got arrested for ABH. He apparently got into an argument with another bloke outside a pub that escalated. He apparently hit the bloke over the head with a metal pipe and bit him. He claims it was self-defence as the bloke went for him first. He also apparently resisted arrest and had to be brought to the ground by police and rear cuffed. No drugs or alcohol involved. He was the only one arrested, the other bloke was not although he (the victim) did have to go to hospital.

He was held in custody for 21 hours and has been released on pre charge conditional bail. He has to go back to the police station next month.

He claims that it was all self-defence and a response to him being hit first. I have never seen him be violent before so it was a big shock when he told me. My friends that I’ve spoken to in real life are a bit divided, some think that it could be dropped as he hasn’t been charged yet but he claims the victim is supporting prosecution.

WWYD?

Another one in the ‘end it’ camp.

Why was his reaction to shout and swear back at this stranger?

I hope you’re ok.

This man is a criminal. I hope he doesn't know where you live. Please take care.

No

Even if he is telling the truth (which sounds implausible) - he got into a physical fight with a total stranger - that is literally enough to know he has a serious temper problem.

Bet you a quid she doesn't. She's already believed his "explanation" (the random bit of metal piping lying conveniently on the floor is my favourite detail, closely followed by "blacked out") so she's going to be desperate to believe whatever else he says.

I think the bit to focus on is not the self defense, it's what happened before that- someone shouted at him/aggrivated him and rather than de-escalating the situation/walking away, he reacted/got involved and contributed to the escalation of things to the point of violence. That was the point that there was a choice. Life chucks challenging situations at us all the time, do you want to be with someone who is calm and steady in those times, or someone who escalates things to crisis?

I didn’t read beyond “last week he got arrested for ABH”

Immediate end to the relationship. It doesn’t matter what the circs around it were, to even be anywhere near that situation would be the end - let alone the one actually arrested.

The police always speak before they grab people in these situations why we’re the police just there did somebody call them if so this would have been escalating for a while he’s absolutely not being truthful with the information it doesn’t add up. People don’t act like this sober without drugs and then not remember. I hope the other man had a tetanus shot, what an animal.

Claire's law

I'm amazed at how many people consider biting off limits in a street brawl. Have you been watching too many Hollywood heroes fighting? Real fights are nasty and you can't exactly rely on your opponent sticking to Queensbury rules.

Your violent BF escalated a few shouts to trying to bash someone's head in with a pipe he "found" at his feet on the "floor" of a footpath. But he "doesn't remember". Then he went Mike Tyson. Then he was stupid enough to fight the police.

Self defense is not trying to beat a man's head in with a weapon for a couple of shouts and even a punch, he was not in fear for his life. Your BF went straight to using deadly force.

His story doesn't add up at all. He's lying.

Hyperaggressive, impaired, lying, and dumb as a rock and you're "leaning towards ending it".

At least do a Clare's Law on him to see what else he's got there because you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way.

Are you a teenager?

The one thing I know for sure is that when caught out, most humans will bend over double to minimise what they did. I’d guess if you saw the police report, the account will differ significantly from your bf’s version.

Any normal person would have just ignored the initial shouting and swearing and walked on by. The fact that he got so riled up by a random outside a pub and just ‘happened’ to find a pipe on the floor to hit him with would be enough for me to end it. He clearly has huge anger issues and he knows how to fight! I don’t know anyone who would even think to pick up a pipe to hit someone. Or anyone that would engage with a clearly angry pissed up bloke, never mind walk towards them. Sorry OP but he has ‘thug’ written all over him. It’s only been a few months, I’d get out of this relationship now. There’s really no point in hanging around to find out any more.

OP, please listen to everyone's warnings. He sounds highly dangerous and saying he "blanked out" details makes him even more so. He cannot be trusted to behave calmly and rationally in stressful situations. Using a metal pipe is brutal, biting is an extreme form of aggression and I don't believe for a second that he has truly "blanked out" details. However, if he did, then he is extremely dangerous for that anyway. What if you and he argue and his brain "blanks out" what is happening and then he punches and kicks you until you are dead?

Just imagine the next time this happens - and it will. Maybe you are visiting your family, and he gets offended by something your Dad says. And then he starts brawling.
Or someone bumps into him in the supermarket, and he goes into attack mode.
You don't want to be with someone like that. You know it.
What is the usual reaction to being sworn at by some silly drunk outside a pub? It's to walk on by.
And the iron bar, conveniently appearing on the floor just where it was needed. You can't really believe that, can you?
END IT.

Go to court - you will hear a VERY different version of events!

Oh I ignored something like this once. Big mistake, very big. I barely got away from him in the end.

Whether the case is dropped or not is a red herring. It still happened. He used a weapon, bit him, put the bloke in hospital and resisted arrest. All while sober......

I’m 20, he’s 25. I wouldn’t say he’s dumb in the literal sense; he has a postgraduate degree and is meant to be starting a PhD this summer. He was certainly dumb for what he did last week though!

it's not something that someone usually leaps to when someone else "almost" hits them though. Which means it's alarming enough that OP should realise he's a thug despite his protests otherwise.

I assume the fight had gone to ground by the time the biting started.

I agree though that OP should run a mile from this guy.

Probably, he'd hit him over the head with a metal pole!
I don't disagree that street fights are dirty, at all. I just think the fact he fights in that way is further proof he's absolutely taking the piss with his explanation.

WWYD?
The options can only possibly be 1. Dump him now by text or 2. Don't bother texting and just block him. If you are considering anything else, then you cannot be serious.

Relationship relatively recent and I live in a different city from partner.
Yay!

Run. He is a liability- will ruin your life.

Thought I would update this for anyone curious about what happened with this. Initially, I gave him the benefit of the doubt as the ABH case was dropped not long after I posted this although I did distance myself more from him.

The final straw came two weeks after the ABH arrest in mid-February when he was arrested yet again, this time for making threats with a knife in a public place. Of course, this one also wasn’t his fault at all and it was all a big overreaction again. He’d had an argument with his neighbour who he said came to his front door to confront him about some disagreement they’d had so he pointed a kitchen knife at his chest (as you do…) to make him leave. He tried to explain it away to me with a lot of ‘oh but I didn’t actually touch him! It was just so he’d leave as I thought he was going to hurt me!’

I ended the relationship after that. It was difficult in some ways, although I know how silly that sounds from an outside perspective. But the vast majority of the time he was lovely, softly-spoken, funny etc but then he would suddenly do something like this? I don’t know and can’t explain it but it wasn’t a risk worth taking.

Well done.