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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you continue this relationship?

132 replies

EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 19:13

I think I know what most posters will say but would like opinions. I’ll try and give as many details as possible without it being revealing.

Relationship relatively recent and I live in a different city from partner. Partner lives in a different city for work. Last week he got arrested for ABH. He apparently got into an argument with another bloke outside a pub that escalated. He apparently hit the bloke over the head with a metal pipe and bit him. He claims it was self-defence as the bloke went for him first. He also apparently resisted arrest and had to be brought to the ground by police and rear cuffed. No drugs or alcohol involved. He was the only one arrested, the other bloke was not although he (the victim) did have to go to hospital.

He was held in custody for 21 hours and has been released on pre charge conditional bail. He has to go back to the police station next month.

He claims that it was all self-defence and a response to him being hit first. I have never seen him be violent before so it was a big shock when he told me. My friends that I’ve spoken to in real life are a bit divided, some think that it could be dropped as he hasn’t been charged yet but he claims the victim is supporting prosecution.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Bobsyouranty · 27/01/2026 20:42

EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 20:18

Yes, he claimed he blanked out and doesn’t remember all the details such as how he bit him and he says he told police this- that he doesn’t remember exactly what was said/done at certain parts.

Show quote history

Ugh so predictable. It’s a very common line violent men use when they struggle to justify and explain their violence.

I get adrelanin is pumping and you might zone out a little in self-defence mode but usually that “I blanked out” excuse used in this context is just that - an excuse.

Even if we do take it at face value and he really did - it also may suggest he’s quite unhinged and lacks self control once triggered.

Now I do get feeling under pressure to defend yourself, but there are limits. All in all just too much of this doesn’t add up!

It sucks when you meet someone you like and you see a very ugly side to them, but I think you should be glad you’ve seen this massive red flag at an early stage so you can dip out.

Goldluckcharm · 27/01/2026 20:46

He sounds like an animal.

Thepossibility · 28/01/2026 04:39

Mercurysinretrograde · 27/01/2026 20:28

So he was stone cold sober wandering past a pub when a stranger ran out and verbally abused him. Then after a bit of mutual verbal abuse the random pub goer hit him. DP grabbed a handy iron bar, assaulted him and then bit him, which is usually an activity reserved for toddlers and police dogs. He then didn’t realize the police were police. Were they wearing wetsuits or perhaps they arrived by camel? About 2% of his story is plausible. Most likely he was very drunk or high which would explain his actions….

Yes not to mention he apparently blacked out...while sober. As you do. So conveniently can't remember details.

Original poster
EagerTaupePlayer · 28/01/2026 08:12

Thanks everyone. I do believe he probably was sober; he never drinks alcohol, even when we’ve been out he’s always drank the zero percent stuff if he’s had anything. He told me he was walking past the pub on an evening whilst nipping out to the shop (the pub is on his road and you have to walk past it to get to the shop). He said a bloke was stood outside the pub with another man. He says bloke started shouting and swearing accusations at him that he was looking at him out of the blue so partner started shouting and swearing back at him. Man came over and he says tried to punch him so that’s when he reacted. Victim had the bite wound and also a large cut from the top of the head on the temple down to the cheek from being hit over the head. Victim was taken in ambulance to hospital and was kept in overnight for treatment.

OP posts:
Highlighta · 28/01/2026 08:24

I go with where there is smoke there is fire OP.

Not the same situation, but I started seeing a guy, and we met up in a group on the 3rd time I had met up with him. We were all dancing and out of the blue a chap came up to him on the dance floor and just punched him one. Date guy got knocked clean out on the dance floor right there.

So, my thoughts on this is that someone doesn't just do that for no reason. I didn't see him again (I was not letting myself in to something that started out as dodgy as this) and I heard some stories later on that he was going through a divorce and he was being a complete shit to his ex wife. We think it was her brother or someone who came to give him a bunch of fives.

Nothing to do with me. But sure as shit I was NOT involving myself into other peoples drama. Please consider doing the same.

Bonkers1966 · 28/01/2026 08:25

Dear god.

PardonMe3 · 28/01/2026 09:12

He could have just walked away. Self defencec is doing what you need to do to get away from a dangerous situation. He didn't need to start shouting and swearing back. He escalated the situation. He certainly didn't need to pick up a metal bar and hit the guy round the head with it or bite him. I think his being sober make it worse. He wasn't impaired. He knew exactly what he was doing. His testosterone and ego took control. You could sat the gobby shit fucked around and found out but your partner could have killed him. I wouldn't stay with someone like that. He's dangerous.

notatinydancer · 28/01/2026 09:20

@EagerTaupePlayerif some random outside a pub started shouting at me I’d get away as fast as possible. I wouldn’t shout back. Also , how handy there happened to be a metal pipe lying around on the floor. Really ?? 🤔

TomatoSandwiches · 28/01/2026 09:21

He could have just kept walking op, most reasonable, decent people would have, but he decided to shout back and esculate it to the point he physically BIT someone and also used a metal pipe to cause a serious head injury...... this man is a violent thug, he isn't normal or someone that should be in a relationship.

Owly11 · 28/01/2026 09:23

Fucking hell why would you ever ever speak to a violent thug let alone put yourself in danger by being in a relationship with him. You are not showing appropriate levels of shock and disgust nor any safety behaviours. You need to get out and get some therapy to work out why.

Doublebubblegum · 28/01/2026 09:31

He is a thug. Regardless of what happens with the police - he's told you he hit another person with a piece of metal and bit them. Biting someone? Who even does this?!

If what he has told you is true, and a random guy started shouting at him, he didn't need to shout back. He could have done what most of the men I know would have done - walked away. Most people's instinct isn't to pick up a random piece of metal and cut someone's head open after a bit of shouting and swearing.

I can't believe some of your friends are making you doubt yourself here!

HappyToSmile · 28/01/2026 10:38

How he went from being shouted at, to picking up a pipe, biting someone and not stopping when the police tried to drag him away is not the normal behaviour of someone with no tendencies.

Unhappyitis · 28/01/2026 10:39

Get rid ugh, I hate men who fight.

Periperi2025 · 28/01/2026 10:42

If you did a clare's law disclosure on him, what do you think it would say?

No you absoletly shouldn't stay with him, you should end it now, put in place security measures in case his violent tendency spill over into harrassement and stalking of ex's, and get some counselling for even having dwelled on this desicion for a moment let alone ask mumsnet.

patooties · 28/01/2026 11:01

EagerTaupePlayer · 28/01/2026 08:12

Thanks everyone. I do believe he probably was sober; he never drinks alcohol, even when we’ve been out he’s always drank the zero percent stuff if he’s had anything. He told me he was walking past the pub on an evening whilst nipping out to the shop (the pub is on his road and you have to walk past it to get to the shop). He said a bloke was stood outside the pub with another man. He says bloke started shouting and swearing accusations at him that he was looking at him out of the blue so partner started shouting and swearing back at him. Man came over and he says tried to punch him so that’s when he reacted. Victim had the bite wound and also a large cut from the top of the head on the temple down to the cheek from being hit over the head. Victim was taken in ambulance to hospital and was kept in overnight for treatment.

You know what? If I felt genuinely in fear of my life I might grab a thing to defend myself. What I and normal people don’t do - is bite.
it is a deliberate and animalistic act. It’s repulsive behaviour. I could never forgive that. Run do not walk.

Followthesunshine · 28/01/2026 11:08

Whether or not it was in self defence doesn't really matter in the context of your relationship with him. The issue is the level of risk you are prepared to take to your own safety from a man you don't really know. I wouldn't be prepared to accept that risk - he has shown he is capable of severe violence and you don't know if that could be pointed in your direction one day.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/01/2026 11:13

You say the relationship is recent...how long have you been seeing each other?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 28/01/2026 12:21

You'd be an absolute fool to carry on going out with him.

Even if everything went down exactly as he says it did, then he's still an utter liability. He kept escalating when there was no need to to the point where he was resisting arrest. How could you ever trust his decision making in a crisis. He's an absolute weapon.

You're friends are giving you dreadful advice. Ignore them and dump him. You've got nothing to lose at this point, your lives aren't intertwined like they will be the next time something like this happens.

decenteringmen · 28/01/2026 12:32

Dump him, and do a Clare's Law check.

Clare's Law

CarryOnRewardless · 28/01/2026 13:25

I’m a police officer. Not sure I’m convinced he didn’t realise they were police officers, the uniform is a give away for a start plus the marked car.

Original poster
EagerTaupePlayer · 28/01/2026 13:36

Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/01/2026 11:13

You say the relationship is recent...how long have you been seeing each other?

A few months. We see each other every other weekend in theory but sometimes it ends up being more like two weekends straight then off a weekend etc. Just depends on work. I live a 2 hour drive away from him.

OP posts:
Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 28/01/2026 13:42

So a bloke shouted at him and 'tried' to hit him and his response was to pick up a metal bar and hit the bloke with it who was hospitalised? Come on, whether he's charged or not is irrelevant. He has told you what he did.

It would be better if he had been drunk really wouldn't it? At least then he was off his head bla bla. As he was sober this was his rational response to the situation.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/01/2026 14:42

Wow, why are you giving this so much headspace, you barely know him, barely see him and he's violent. Why hasn't he been kicked to the kerb already?

PardonMe3 · 28/01/2026 18:31

EagerTaupePlayer · 28/01/2026 13:36

A few months. We see each other every other weekend in theory but sometimes it ends up being more like two weekends straight then off a weekend etc. Just depends on work. I live a 2 hour drive away from him.

Show quote history

Fuck that. I would reconsider my 16 year relationship if my husband did this.

ginasevern · 28/01/2026 19:16

"Last week he got arrested for ABH. He apparently got into an argument with another bloke outside a pub that escalated. He apparently hit the bloke over the head with a metal pipe and bit him. He claims it was self-defence as the bloke went for him first. He also apparently resisted arrest and had to be brought to the ground by police and rear cuffed. No drugs or alcohol involved. He was the only one arrested, the other bloke was not although he (the victim) did have to go to hospital."

Just read the above OP (your own words) and then tell me if you think this relationship is a splendid idea. I mean, really?