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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you continue this relationship?

132 replies

EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 19:13

I think I know what most posters will say but would like opinions. I’ll try and give as many details as possible without it being revealing.

Relationship relatively recent and I live in a different city from partner. Partner lives in a different city for work. Last week he got arrested for ABH. He apparently got into an argument with another bloke outside a pub that escalated. He apparently hit the bloke over the head with a metal pipe and bit him. He claims it was self-defence as the bloke went for him first. He also apparently resisted arrest and had to be brought to the ground by police and rear cuffed. No drugs or alcohol involved. He was the only one arrested, the other bloke was not although he (the victim) did have to go to hospital.

He was held in custody for 21 hours and has been released on pre charge conditional bail. He has to go back to the police station next month.

He claims that it was all self-defence and a response to him being hit first. I have never seen him be violent before so it was a big shock when he told me. My friends that I’ve spoken to in real life are a bit divided, some think that it could be dropped as he hasn’t been charged yet but he claims the victim is supporting prosecution.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Missj25 · 28/01/2026 20:44

EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 19:13

I think I know what most posters will say but would like opinions. I’ll try and give as many details as possible without it being revealing.

Relationship relatively recent and I live in a different city from partner. Partner lives in a different city for work. Last week he got arrested for ABH. He apparently got into an argument with another bloke outside a pub that escalated. He apparently hit the bloke over the head with a metal pipe and bit him. He claims it was self-defence as the bloke went for him first. He also apparently resisted arrest and had to be brought to the ground by police and rear cuffed. No drugs or alcohol involved. He was the only one arrested, the other bloke was not although he (the victim) did have to go to hospital.

He was held in custody for 21 hours and has been released on pre charge conditional bail. He has to go back to the police station next month.

He claims that it was all self-defence and a response to him being hit first. I have never seen him be violent before so it was a big shock when he told me. My friends that I’ve spoken to in real life are a bit divided, some think that it could be dropped as he hasn’t been charged yet but he claims the victim is supporting prosecution.

WWYD?

Well OP if it’s a relatively recent relationship, & you live in different cities you haven’t really been given the opportunity to see if he a volatile person.
He is , hitting someone with an iron bar , biting them !
He’s not the kind of guy anyone needs in their life .
I don’t care what reasons he puts forward to you why he did this , decent guys don’t do stuff like that .
Stay away from him .

Highhello · 28/01/2026 20:58

Just tell him that unfortunately you don’t want to be involved with someone who has that in them and who resisted arrest too.

MCF86 · 28/01/2026 21:06

EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 20:18

Yes, he claimed he blanked out and doesn’t remember all the details such as how he bit him and he says he told police this- that he doesn’t remember exactly what was said/done at certain parts.

Show quote history

that's more reason to run, not less

Nevereatcardboard · 28/01/2026 21:31

You should be asking yourself - if he can cause ABH to a stranger over a few insults and swearing, what would he do to me if we ever had argument?

Don’t date a man who you now know has a violent temper. I think being single would be a better choice.

workshy46 · 28/01/2026 21:38

Oh yes, you should definitely continue this relationship. I mean he hits people over the head with a pipe , bites them and fights off the police when they attempt to intervene. He sounds like a total catch, don’t let him get away as I’m sure there will be a long line of other desperate women ready to snatch him up. Better to date a violet thug than have no man .. right ??

NotnowMildrid · 28/01/2026 21:44

It’s very disturbing behaviour.
I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

Arguably if he wasn’t drunk or hadn’t taken any drugs, he should have had the sense not to retaliate by shouting and got away from the situation.

outerspacepotato · 28/01/2026 21:47

Block and never see or speak to him again.

Girl. Get real.

He was trying to smash that man's head in. Then he was biting and fought the police. No drugs or alcohol, I don't believe that for a minute. I'm thinking meth rage.

Oh, your friends that are saying wait and see? They're fucking idiots.

If he had keys to your place, change the locks and practice situational awareness. Hopefully he'll be too busy with his legal problems rather than try to come to you for sex, but you need to be on the alert.

BrendaSmall · 28/01/2026 21:50

Biting!
Are you dating a toddler?

You've only heard his side of the story, it would be interesting to hear what the other person has to say about it!!

justtheotheronemrswembley · 28/01/2026 21:58

WWYD?

I'd heave a huge sigh of relief that I lived two hours away from him (although two days would be better). And your friends who are saying wait and see? I'd get their brains examined.

MCF86 · 28/01/2026 22:23

BrendaSmall · 28/01/2026 21:50

Biting!
Are you dating a toddler?

You've only heard his side of the story, it would be interesting to hear what the other person has to say about it!!

Indeed... but also no need to because his own side is bad enough.

Totally clean and sober, and still reacted to someone gobbing off at him by engaging with them and escalating the situation which resulted in splitting their head open with a metal pole and BITING them... but he was in such a blind rage he can't even remember. THAT is him painting himself in the best light he can 😳

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2026 22:35

Is this even really a question? Raise your bar about 10 feet from the floor. Why would you even consider staying with someone like this?!

FirstdatesFred · 28/01/2026 22:38

He sounds rough af

SunflowerTed · 28/01/2026 22:47

there must be a real shortage of men in your city if you are even asking if you should consider continuing this relationship.

Original poster
EagerTaupePlayer · 28/01/2026 22:56

justtheotheronemrswembley · 28/01/2026 21:58

WWYD?

I'd heave a huge sigh of relief that I lived two hours away from him (although two days would be better). And your friends who are saying wait and see? I'd get their brains examined.

My friends have made the argument that because he’s on bail and hasn’t been charged yet and has to go back to the station next month, he might not be charged and it might be dropped. Basically they are saying that if he isn’t charged, it becomes justified because he was protecting himself according to police/cps.

I am definitely leaning towards ending it tbh. It’s a huge shame because I did really like him before all this which is why it’s so hard and so surprising for me because everyone I spoke to about him before this that knew him like his colleagues described him as lovely, word for word.

OP posts:
MeTooOverHere · 28/01/2026 22:59

I could accept there may be situations where 'self defense' was reasonable and even biting in self-defense (depending on circumstances) but resisting arrest? So he had to defend himself against the police? That is what he is claiming?

The whole thing doesn't add up. Walking past a pub and there was a pipe he could conveniently pick up off the floor (/footpath?). To defend himself from being shouted at by a guy IN the pub?

MeTooOverHere · 28/01/2026 23:01

and allegedly not drinking but blacked out and doesn't remember all the details.

Someone said meth rage? Yeah, I'd go with that as about the only likely explanation.

Original poster
EagerTaupePlayer · 28/01/2026 23:05

MeTooOverHere · 28/01/2026 22:59

I could accept there may be situations where 'self defense' was reasonable and even biting in self-defense (depending on circumstances) but resisting arrest? So he had to defend himself against the police? That is what he is claiming?

The whole thing doesn't add up. Walking past a pub and there was a pipe he could conveniently pick up off the floor (/footpath?). To defend himself from being shouted at by a guy IN the pub?

He’s claiming the initial assault on the man was self-defence and when the police came, there were two officers, one male and one female both uniformed. The female officer ran to the victim and male officer to him. He says he didn’t see that the male officer was an officer because it was dark and he was angry and he just saw another bloke running at him so he struck out and then was immediately taken out by the male officer.

And yes he’s saying he saw the weapon on the floor and grabbed it as the bloke came towards him. I don’t know anything about what it was exactly except that it was a small but heavy metal pipe. The guy was outside the pub smoking at the front of it and he was walking past on the footpath and the guy then started shouting and swearing at him he says. Then he stopped and shouted and swore back at him and then it kicked off physically.

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 28/01/2026 23:13

EagerTaupePlayer · 28/01/2026 22:56

My friends have made the argument that because he’s on bail and hasn’t been charged yet and has to go back to the station next month, he might not be charged and it might be dropped. Basically they are saying that if he isn’t charged, it becomes justified because he was protecting himself according to police/cps.

I am definitely leaning towards ending it tbh. It’s a huge shame because I did really like him before all this which is why it’s so hard and so surprising for me because everyone I spoke to about him before this that knew him like his colleagues described him as lovely, word for word.

Show quote history

Basically they are saying that if he isn’t charged, it becomes justified because he was protecting himself according to police/cps.

How ridiculous, even if he wasn't charged (for whatever reason), he still smashed someone's face open with a metal bar, then fought the police who came to arrest him, then pretended he blacked out, just because someone called him a name.

I used to know someone who was the life and soul of the party, 99% brilliant guy, really fun to be around, everyone liked him, but he had a hair trigger temper.. he just couldn't walk away from a confrontation, massive anger issues and honestly the unpredictability of that 1% was just exhausting.

After a couple of months of only seeing him at weekends, you don't know him at all, thank fuck he lives 2 hours away.

MeTooOverHere · 28/01/2026 23:26

EagerTaupePlayer · 28/01/2026 23:05

He’s claiming the initial assault on the man was self-defence and when the police came, there were two officers, one male and one female both uniformed. The female officer ran to the victim and male officer to him. He says he didn’t see that the male officer was an officer because it was dark and he was angry and he just saw another bloke running at him so he struck out and then was immediately taken out by the male officer.

And yes he’s saying he saw the weapon on the floor and grabbed it as the bloke came towards him. I don’t know anything about what it was exactly except that it was a small but heavy metal pipe. The guy was outside the pub smoking at the front of it and he was walking past on the footpath and the guy then started shouting and swearing at him he says. Then he stopped and shouted and swore back at him and then it kicked off physically.

Show quote history

Well then he's 'highly reactive' as they say about some horses. Given to spooking at nothing, and then bolting off. People get killed that way. The more you are around them, the greater the chance you'll get caught up in it one day.

NoYourNameChanged · 29/01/2026 03:17

Your friends are fucking idiots, and you shouldn’t ever ask them for advice again. Fuck sake. Your boyfriend showed at every stage that he’s reactive, confrontational and dangerously out of control. You’re an absolute fool if you stay with him. I know this is a big shock, I’m sure you never thought he was this aggressive and violent, but he is and thank goodness he showed you his true colours early on, that it wasn’t directed at you (because if you stay, it certainly will be one day!) and that (this may be irrelevant) you have no children together to be mentally and possibly physically damaged by him. Run, run like the wind and don’t ever look back.

Highlighta · 29/01/2026 04:55

What do you mean you are 'leaning towards' ending it!

How much more of a red flag do you need here?

You have only known him a short time. You are taking his every word as gospel.
Sometimes people don't tell the truth OP. And even more so when the truth is not showing them in a good light.
Are your friends his friends also, as they seem to be looking out for him more than you.

And the end of the day, MAYBE there is a small element of truth in his story. But why would you run the risk of immersing yourself into something that could turn out VERY bad for you. Is it worth the risk?

Bobsyouranty · 29/01/2026 07:36

Your friends are wrong, OP . Just because there isn't enough evidence to convict or even charge someone doesn’t mean they’re innocent.

I think it’s likely he will be charged but then it could be that the victim ends up too scared to give a statement or testify in court , which then makes it trickier for the prosecution to proceed and therefore charges may be dropped. But again that wouldn’t mean he is innocent.

mbonfield · 29/01/2026 07:40

Walk away OP

cocog · 29/01/2026 07:44

why would a random man attack him for nothing? He did something. I wouldn’t stay it’s not a life I would want. He’s violent and will now have a police record that will effect jobs. He’s hardly take home to meet parents material. Metal poles and biting seem very extreme violence too.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 29/01/2026 07:51

Leaning towards ending it? Oh dear