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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you continue this relationship?

132 replies

EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 19:13

I think I know what most posters will say but would like opinions. I’ll try and give as many details as possible without it being revealing.

Relationship relatively recent and I live in a different city from partner. Partner lives in a different city for work. Last week he got arrested for ABH. He apparently got into an argument with another bloke outside a pub that escalated. He apparently hit the bloke over the head with a metal pipe and bit him. He claims it was self-defence as the bloke went for him first. He also apparently resisted arrest and had to be brought to the ground by police and rear cuffed. No drugs or alcohol involved. He was the only one arrested, the other bloke was not although he (the victim) did have to go to hospital.

He was held in custody for 21 hours and has been released on pre charge conditional bail. He has to go back to the police station next month.

He claims that it was all self-defence and a response to him being hit first. I have never seen him be violent before so it was a big shock when he told me. My friends that I’ve spoken to in real life are a bit divided, some think that it could be dropped as he hasn’t been charged yet but he claims the victim is supporting prosecution.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Springingforward · 27/01/2026 19:43

I think you should run...and fast
Then do a Claire's Law to see how much else he has done. If he lives in a different city, he may already have a 'reputation' you arent aware of.
Then get support from the police/Womens Aid to keep yourself safe as he sounds like someone difficult to remove yourself from.
Perhaps do the Freedom Programme to help you realise you deserve better

Thepossibility · 27/01/2026 19:44

Somehow for me it's even worse there was no alcohol involved. He got arrested for violence stone cold sober? He's either a liar or a thug and that's a no from me. Drunken, one off mistake he would be on thin ice but this...no....

supersonicginandtonic · 27/01/2026 19:45

Even if he isn’t charged, I’d run a million miles. He put a man in hospital. It shows how he can change when he is confronted.

NoYourNameChanged · 27/01/2026 19:46

Sorry, what the fuck does it matter if he’s charged or convicted?? He’s told you himself he did it, the finer details of his punishment is a technicality surely? His story is very patchy anyway but even so. He was completely stone cold sober and decided to smash someone over the head with a metal pipe and then BIT him. Like got that close and personal (so scared was he for his own safety 🙄) and sunk his teeth into another human being like an animal.

Bess91 · 27/01/2026 19:46

No.

Grammarninja · 27/01/2026 19:47

I can't figure out why him being prosecuted or not is of any relevance. He put a man in hospital without having sustained any body injuries himself. You don't need the legal system to tell you he has violent tendencies or an issue with rage. It's obvious.

Elle771 · 27/01/2026 19:47

Run. Fast. Now. And block. There is absolutely no way on earth this is normal or self-defence or sober behaviour or any other line he is spinning you. I work in criminal justice and this will not be a one off event. (Seriously... metal pipe and biting... this isn't entry level violence!)

Jellybean23 · 27/01/2026 19:48

If he can behave like this when he's sober, what could he be like when he's had a few?

Original poster
EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 19:49

Grammarninja · 27/01/2026 19:47

I can't figure out why him being prosecuted or not is of any relevance. He put a man in hospital without having sustained any body injuries himself. You don't need the legal system to tell you he has violent tendencies or an issue with rage. It's obvious.

He was injured with a black eye to be fair but they do not know if this was caused by the victim or by the police when they tackled him to the (concrete) floor and then shoved him against the wall to control him. No medical treatment though as just bruising.

OP posts:
Bobsyouranty · 27/01/2026 19:56

It’s a red flag also because he didn’t just tussle with this random man. He also resisted arrest, and he wasn’t drunk. Why would he be resisting arrest knowing he’s just hit someone over the head with a pipe? Surely the done thing is to go along to the station then tell your side of the story there. I would want to see his statement to see what story he told police.

I mean these things can happen and self-defence can be necessary. I was assaulted on the train once, for no apparent reason at 10am on a weekday. No one was drunk and the woman was screaming at the police to arrest me.

The difference is though the force I used to defend myself was disproportionate, and also I had no intention of resisting arrest.

In the end the truth came out thanks to cctv, and multiple witnesses and the police/CpS ended up prosecuting the woman.

PrunusVulgaris · 27/01/2026 19:59

I think this is a difficult one to call. If he is physically smaller or unable to protect himself against a stronger opponent and he was genuinely just walking past and was verbally and physically attacked for no good reason, I think most people would do whatever they had to to protect themselves in the moment.

Is there more to this OP? Is there CCTV images or anything that gives you more information. In your shoes, I would want far more information before I knew how I felt and it would depend on how I felt about him and how well I knew him as a person too. You have to know masses more first.

Original poster
EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 20:00

Bobsyouranty · 27/01/2026 19:56

It’s a red flag also because he didn’t just tussle with this random man. He also resisted arrest, and he wasn’t drunk. Why would he be resisting arrest knowing he’s just hit someone over the head with a pipe? Surely the done thing is to go along to the station then tell your side of the story there. I would want to see his statement to see what story he told police.

I mean these things can happen and self-defence can be necessary. I was assaulted on the train once, for no apparent reason at 10am on a weekday. No one was drunk and the woman was screaming at the police to arrest me.

The difference is though the force I used to defend myself was disproportionate, and also I had no intention of resisting arrest.

In the end the truth came out thanks to cctv, and multiple witnesses and the police/CpS ended up prosecuting the woman.

Edited

Thank you. He claimed he panicked and didn’t realise it was the police. Obviously don’t know his statement but he’s sticking with self-defence and is adamant to me that if he is charged he’s pleading not guilty due to self-defence.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 27/01/2026 20:01

Absolutely not.

I didn't need to get past
Last week he got arrested for ABH.

I physically recoiled at the metal pipe and biting

He sounds like an animal, you'd be crazy to have anything more to do with him.

And dont think that Protesting innocence is any indicator of anything...
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c997rmlxrvvo
This animal insisted he was innocent too

Grammarninja · 27/01/2026 20:07

EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 19:49

He was injured with a black eye to be fair but they do not know if this was caused by the victim or by the police when they tackled him to the (concrete) floor and then shoved him against the wall to control him. No medical treatment though as just bruising.

Show quote history

Why did he resist arrest? If he was sober, what was he thinking? Sounds like the rage overcame him and that's what would scare me.

Bobsyouranty · 27/01/2026 20:11

EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 20:00

Thank you. He claimed he panicked and didn’t realise it was the police. Obviously don’t know his statement but he’s sticking with self-defence and is adamant to me that if he is charged he’s pleading not guilty due to self-defence.

Show quote history

I find it hard to believe unless they were plain clothes officers? And surely they would said something to him and been carrying handcuffs too.

Or he is one of those men you see on true crime shows who claim they saw red and blanked out, in which case that’s another worry.

He seems to have an answer for everything and I strongly suspect he isn’t giving you the whole story!

He could just have been very unlucky - the way I was when the random woman tried to choke me on the train. But based on everything else you’ve said, I doubt it.

I think as a woman you need to err on the side of caution and it’s a bit irresponsible of your friends to say it’s fine as long as he doesn’t get convicted.

Honestly, I would just end things.

Charel2girl5 · 27/01/2026 20:13

therockingbird · 27/01/2026 19:23

Run for the hills… 🚩

I was just about to say this. He’s a nutter!

Odiebay · 27/01/2026 20:14

Where exactly did he get the pipe from when being randomly set upon?? 😳

Hatty65 · 27/01/2026 20:18

I would not even consider speaking to this person again. He's a violent thug. Who bites someone? It's embarrassing in a toddler, never mind an adult. Only animals bite.

As a useful general rule in life I find that if I'm thinking 'should I end this?' (habit, relationship, situation) the answer is Yes. Don't overthink it. If your brain has got to the point of considering, actually it might be better to stop doing this, then the answer is absolutely Yes.

Original poster
EagerTaupePlayer · 27/01/2026 20:18

Bobsyouranty · 27/01/2026 20:11

I find it hard to believe unless they were plain clothes officers? And surely they would said something to him and been carrying handcuffs too.

Or he is one of those men you see on true crime shows who claim they saw red and blanked out, in which case that’s another worry.

He seems to have an answer for everything and I strongly suspect he isn’t giving you the whole story!

He could just have been very unlucky - the way I was when the random woman tried to choke me on the train. But based on everything else you’ve said, I doubt it.

I think as a woman you need to err on the side of caution and it’s a bit irresponsible of your friends to say it’s fine as long as he doesn’t get convicted.

Honestly, I would just end things.

Show quote history

Yes, he claimed he blanked out and doesn’t remember all the details such as how he bit him and he says he told police this- that he doesn’t remember exactly what was said/done at certain parts.

OP posts:
MarkSkiddie · 27/01/2026 20:21

Oooooh the old ‘blacked out’ chestnut

ETA anyhow, yes OP you need to erase this vermin from your life/phone and all avenues, you will feel so much better and stronger and you deserve decent people in your life.

District66 · 27/01/2026 20:22

Having seen lots of fights in my profession, I would wait and see what happens with the police and the charges first
There are always two sides to every story and many people that you immediately think when you first engage with the situation of the victims actually turn out to be the perpetrators
Walking away rather than getting involved is not always an option

Bobsyouranty · 27/01/2026 20:23

PrunusVulgaris · 27/01/2026 19:59

I think this is a difficult one to call. If he is physically smaller or unable to protect himself against a stronger opponent and he was genuinely just walking past and was verbally and physically attacked for no good reason, I think most people would do whatever they had to to protect themselves in the moment.

Is there more to this OP? Is there CCTV images or anything that gives you more information. In your shoes, I would want far more information before I knew how I felt and it would depend on how I felt about him and how well I knew him as a person too. You have to know masses more first.

Well he was clearly able to protect himself and overpower the other guy who is now in hospital. He was only left with a black eye which may even have been caused by police.

I feel if he was strong enough to quickly disarm an angry man with a pipe then he was strong enough to back up, and hold it in front of him as a deterrent/shield while calling out for help - rather than actually smacking the guy over the head with it. And biting him. Yikes.

OP is unlikely to obtain the cctv images. I didn’t see the CCTV until I got to my court for my case as I was called a witness for the prosecution against the woman who attacked me. I think she needs to employ common sense and good judgment here.

This is a new relationship that is long distance so I assume they don’t see each other every day. As a woman you can’t risk giving a potentially extremely violent man you don’t know what well the benefit of the doubt after he has hospitalised someone .

Mercurysinretrograde · 27/01/2026 20:28

So he was stone cold sober wandering past a pub when a stranger ran out and verbally abused him. Then after a bit of mutual verbal abuse the random pub goer hit him. DP grabbed a handy iron bar, assaulted him and then bit him, which is usually an activity reserved for toddlers and police dogs. He then didn’t realize the police were police. Were they wearing wetsuits or perhaps they arrived by camel? About 2% of his story is plausible. Most likely he was very drunk or high which would explain his actions….

patooties · 27/01/2026 20:31

Biting? Fucking hell.
animal.
no chance.

gamerchick · 27/01/2026 20:34

No.