Dating men with children

[HedgeHogFan1980]

Hello, just looking for any advice/thoughts on dating men that already have children?
I'm 35 (f), single, no kids of my own, but would really like to settle down soon and have a family of my own (if I'm able to).
I've just started speaking to a guy online who seems really nice, a fair bit in common, but he does have a 4 year old daughter who he has every 2nd weekend. He has asked me out on a date, and I'm unsure whether it's something to do or not.
My friends said they think it'd be a good idea to just go for a coffee and see how we get on, no pressure... but what I wouldn't like to do is find that there is a good connection there, but then maybe feel that the complication of kids is too tricky - and feel like I've lead him or me on, and have wasted our time.
Any thoughts or opinions - would be gratefully received!

I think being a stepparent is hugely emotionally demanding and tricky and very few people are cut out for it. If you read here regularly you'll see tons of posts about how difficult it is to be a stepparent. Considering you don't have kids of your own I'd stick to childfree men if at all possible.

Having been there, I wouldn't get into a relationship with a man with small children. I especially wouldn't get into a relationship with a man who thinks every second weekend with his small child is acceptable.

My DH has 2 children when we met. won't say it's been plain sailing but here's a few things to consider.
How does he talk about his ex? Is it amicable?
Don't agree to meet the child too soon. Several months of dating at least first.
Don't think about living together until you know the child well and get along.
Red flag if you find yourself expected to provide childcare. Pretty much ever. The time with his daughter is for her to see him. That's not to say never, but it should never be an expectation.
It complicates having your own children - DH and I have a DD and it's worked out really well for everyone (they're all adults now and are close) but it throws up complicated feelings.
Ending on a nice note - lots of lovely men find themselves single again with children, so I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand, but go in with your eyes wide open.

I think only you can decide. His priority will always be his child and rightly so. He won't be as available as you might like. You may have to include his child in your activities even initially and eventually she'll become a part of your life.
Could you handle the emotions involved with this?

I'm sure there are many happy families with step children, but is it something you want?

The honest truth is that 90% of men who split with their partner a few years after the birth of their children is because they did fuck-all to help during the baby years. They're dating with the intent of finding a woman to take care of their child so they can continue enjoying their freedom without being bogged down with childcare and life admin. They're happy to settle down quickly or even propose because locking someone in as a stepmum means you cannot get out of the arrangement as easily. If you choose to start a family, you need to prepared to do almost everything alone.

I think by the age of 35 if you only date men without children you will be ruling a lot out. Take it slowly with meeting his DC and look out for red flags (especially how he talks about his ex) but I don’t think it should be a deal breaker.

I'd avoid to be honest, particularly as you do not have any children of your own.

Always said to my daughters avoid if possible. If they are a good dad, kids will always come first, if they are a bad dad, you don't want them anyway!

Also, almost everything you want to do will involve negotiating with the child's mother,

You want your own children, added complication, he almost certainly doesn't.

The amount of hate on single dads is horrible to read. So many singers mums end up with single men who take the role of step dads and that's normal and fine and when the table have turned everyone is opposed to it 🤦🏻‍♂️. A you are dating the man, not the ex nor the child, relationships will come with issues that you need to work on regardless if he had a child or not and it's your outlook to life and to him that determines what is a problem and what is not, if you're already thinking that him being a dad and having a 4 yo child is an issue then you have already created one.

This.

My ex-husband did literally NOTHING to help during the early years apart from occasional ‘fun’ stuff. It wrecked our marriage, we divorced and he did EOW which was not enough for the DCs - going from seeing him every day to EOW. I didn’t stand in his way, his big important job and many hobbies took up too much time 🙄

This is how a lot of them end up single. If he didn’t pull his weight first time round and still doesn’t, he’s not a good dad or partner. He might appear to be ‘a really nice bloke’ to everyone else, but how he is as a dad speaks volumes.

And for fairness, I know not all men are like this and there are some really decent ones out there, with children and single. However, being a good step parent is a tough, tough role and not for everyone. Once you’re in though, you have to be 100% all in.

Personally I wouldn’t.
I’ve seen it work out but I’ve also seen it go horribly wrong in lots of ways. Read threads on here. I know it’s skewed and we only see the bad stuff but it’s a warning. Not just because of shit dads and difficult exes but people getting themselves into these situations and realising it’s too hard or ending up with a child living with them that they didn’t expect:

It’s a huge commitment and likely adding an extra layer of stress to family life so if you do it you have to be prepared for that.

Issues with the ex. Do they get on, is he rude about her? Big red flag. Why did they split? There’s your prediction for your future relationship.

Is he a good dad and not just a Disney dad. It’s not 50/50. Why? If he’s been a shit dad so far, he will again.

Will the child like and accept you. It’s ok if they don’t and it’s their right not to. How would that work? It’s not fair to force a child to live with someone they don’t like or get on with.

A child you have together won’t be his first child and you can’t expect him to prioritise you and any joint child over the one who is here.

Are you prepared for full time step-parenting. The other parent could die, be ill, hand the child over. Then you’ve got a step-child with you full time.

I've just started speaking to a guy online who seems really nice, a fair bit in common
It all depends on circumstances - both yours and his.
If I have a choice would I date a nice guy with or without children? Absolutely without children. There is no pretence that a child does complicate the relations. Do you think you have a choice of nice guys without children with a fair bit in common?

If I have a choice to date a nice guy with a child or not so nice guy without children or keep looking? I would probably choose the first one, but depends how much time I've already spent looking. OP, how low long have you been looking on the dating sites?

100%. Childless women are told to avoid single dads like the plague, but woe betide a childless man who is not interested in dating single mums.

I’d advise the same to any man I was friends with tbh. It’s often really difficult either way but the question here was about a dad.

I know it’s difficult for single parents to meet people but kids are thrown into new relationships far too quickly and often when their parents barely know them either.

Look up how often 'nanny with a fanny' gets used on here, especially on step-parenting and relationship threads.

If he only sees his DD EOW, he'll probably continue to be her Disney Dad when you have shared children, and her mother will always be in the picture.

Wow, projection much?

@YRGAM , did you have anything useful to contribute?

My experience was plain sailing. I was 26, he-36. He had a 6 yo, 3 years post split. We then had a daughter 2 years later. Again, fused very quickly, no favouritism on my part. Managed to develop a realllly good relationship with his ex too. She would babysit for us if we wanted to go out. I would take the girls to Poland for 3 week summer holidays to see my wider family, take her cousin with us too. My partner’s ex would take my daughter on their wider family holiday. His ex recently tutored my daughter for her English GCSEs and she passed with flying colours. The girls are now 24 and 17, and 2 weeks ago we came back from from a 3 week holiday in Ghana seeing their grandmother. It can work if you kill ANY inkling of jealousy or being prescious and be a kind and loving mother to both kids. On seeing that, not only did my partner appreciate but his daughter and her mother too. Everyone happy

I always said I’d never date a man with kids and I never did. I’d rather be single than parent someone else’s kids. Married with my own DC now and if I ended up single, I would never get involved again. Just too many complications. I personally, don’t agree with men or women with young DC going on to have more children with someone else.

Hi there, when I met my now husband his kids were a similar age (we’ve since had other kids).

I can’t lie to you, being a step parent is very hard. You need to be able to accept that whatever happens his child’s needs and wants will always come first before yours. Just as examples you need to accept that if his little girl needs you for any reason, he will need to cancel on you and perhaps at very short notice. If in time she meets you and struggles with you being around, you’ll need to not be around. If you’re not able to accept these things, don’t do it. I also wouldn’t assume that because a man has children already he will automatically want to have more.

I see quite a few posts on here from people who are struggling with step patenting for exactly these kinds of reasons.

its not the same Childcare is still seen as womens work so step mums end up doing a lot more than step dads

Thanks very much everyone for your comments.
I've actually now sent him a message to say I feel it's best to leave things as they are, as I don't think I'm cut out for dating someone with children.
I find dating at this age really quite tricky as there's obviously less and less decent single guys about that I click with... however I think it's wise to be realistic. See things for how they are... rather than how I might want to see them.
Thanks all!

I would have absolutely no issue dating someone with children. Everyone's circumstances are different.
I was with my last boyfriend for 3.5 years from when his son was 12 to 16 years old. We didn't live together and it have barely any impact on our relationship. Actually I liked that we both had children as we often discussed parenting

A twelve year old is a lot different than a four year old.

Well normally single parents are coparenting. so whether your child is 4 or 12 they're with their other parent some of the week. I'm happy to date at those times