Dating men with children

[HedgeHogFan1980]

Hello, just looking for any advice/thoughts on dating men that already have children?
I'm 35 (f), single, no kids of my own, but would really like to settle down soon and have a family of my own (if I'm able to).
I've just started speaking to a guy online who seems really nice, a fair bit in common, but he does have a 4 year old daughter who he has every 2nd weekend. He has asked me out on a date, and I'm unsure whether it's something to do or not.
My friends said they think it'd be a good idea to just go for a coffee and see how we get on, no pressure... but what I wouldn't like to do is find that there is a good connection there, but then maybe feel that the complication of kids is too tricky - and feel like I've lead him or me on, and have wasted our time.
Any thoughts or opinions - would be gratefully received!

He will be one of those "i would have the kids more, but the crazy bitch ex wont let me" types.

Run like the hills there are plenty of wonderful men that don’t already have children.
You have a lovely clean slate. You do not need to encumber yourself with somebody else else’s mistakes.

My DH’s kids were 11 and 13 when we met. Old enough to understand that their parents were not going to reunite, and also any more children would not really compete.
What you have to be prepared for is the continued involvement of his ex. Also the possibility of any kids moving in full time - my eldest stepson moved in about a year after we married and the other one followed a couple years later. Fine as they were teenagers but I’m not sure how I’d feel about if primary age needing a lot more care.

I know the op has already left it, but in terms of a discussion - the big red flag for me here is EOW and the split of a relationship with a young child. There is a tiny chance that none of that is his fault, but I would be wondering why they split and why he does so little parenting. It might not be, but it’s fairly likely it’s because he’s extremely selfish.

Thank you - I'm just having a look through some of the content on Instagram. I think it's definitely opening my eyes...

Yeah I am thinking that if I get to ~ age 40 and am still single, then I think I'd take a different stance on dating men with children already. But, from reflecting on everyone's generous comments on this post - and listening to my gut feeling, I think at this stage I'll not actively pursue men with kids. I think it'll make for an easier life right now... fingers crossed.

Wise decision OP. A single father in his 30s (and early 40s) isn't likely to be a decent man. Plenty of decent childless men out that at your age.

you are dating the man, not the ex nor the child

Trust me, they come as a package.

I wouldn’t. Within no time you’ll be a free nanny his child.

Honestly I would avoid it due to all the issues I’ve seen in the people I know. Only if he’s literally perfect for you and you’ve never met such an amazing person, or if he’s rich. It only complicates things if they already have children, unless you both have your own children and don’t plan to have any more

It's depressing to read some of the predictable responses and ludicrous accusations cast upon this man by the usual kangeroo court on here. Does being a single Mum/Dad mean their love life is consigned to the scrap heap in the modern dating world? There are plenty of reasons why he may find himself a single Dad and not all of them reasons may be his fault and he maybe a great Dad - a good Dad with experience of young children is a plus for considering whether to have children of your own with him, certainly over an immature man who still thinks he's 21. You are only going to find out the back story by asking him, enquiring how much support he still offers the child, what sort of relationship he has with the mother (important one that is) etc. Not on the first date obviously. Treat him like any normal guy you would date until things perhaps get serious and you both approach the subject of meeting the child and then ask away any questions you have before making the call whether to carry on through with the relationship. You will probably already be able to pick up any signals before then if he is good Dad or a lousy Dad though.

I dated guys that had young kids. It mostly went ok. I liked that I had every 2nd weekend to myself. But I struggled with the cancelled plans if emergency childcare was needed. I know the kids came first and accepted that. I decided I didn’t want to meet the kids until many months later.

I decided guys with young kids were not for me. I started to date guys with older kids. DP has a mid 20s daughter. We are more friendly than parent.

I dud notice a difference with the guys that were polite about their ex and had childcare routine. they were nicer. The guys that were horrible about their ex not so great to date

50/50 isn’t a standard split in the UK (the only place where it is currently is Scandinavia, though Australia is adopting it).

It’s really not that common in the UK.

I’m a single father and I have my child 4/5 nights a week (my ex works some evenings) but we make it work, and try to make things as fair as possible.

I 100% understand why a woman without children would be put off by that and would worry about possibly looking after our child (even though I personally wouldn’t expect them too).

I don’t like the narrative on here that nearly all men in their late 30s and early 40s are unlikely to be ‘decent’. If someone said same about women there would be uproar,

I think it's very telling when single parents don't want to date other single parents.

I've spoken to many single parents (who are dating) and they are always disappointed when potential matches break things off when it's revealed that they have children. I don't think they realised what a difference it makes, thinking it would be the same as when they were childless and can't see it through the other person's eyes. I think perhaps they were sold a dream and the reality is very different.

I 100% agree. You should hear the outrage when I express a preference for child free partners.
Most of them assume I don’t have children and therefore there is something mentally wrong with me

Don't, just don't ❤

What an absolute shocking assumption that is, would this also apply to single mothers?

No, because most women initiate the divorces and then men have to navigate them.
I can’t remember what the percentages are but they rarely make the decision to break up a marriage unless they have another woman to go to in which case they wouldn’t be single.
Anecdotally every single man I know who’s got divorced out of my children’s friends. Friendship groups has been married again within six months to some other poor single soul who doesn’t have children. Yet.

You’d rather get into a relationship with a man who disregards his child in favour of a new gf?? I’d say a father spending EOW with his child is the bare minimum any parent should be doing.

Such a ridiculous assumption. I’m a lesbian so no skin in this game but I would never assume that all men are dicks in this way.

You’ve not dated enough of them then

Or you just have a history of picking the wrong men.

Oh of course yes it would be my fault that they behaved badly silly old me 🙄

Did you even read my post? 🤨

All you can do when it comes to dating men and women is reduce the risk.
No idea whether it actually reduces the risk or not having one failed relationship behind them at least that has a resulted in a child
But if you have to get a checklist out
There will be less time to be spent with you
There will be less money to be spent with you
There will be less space in any property that you rent or purchase with this person
There will be less emotional support available for you
All of the above will then apply to any extra children that you have and it is absolutely not the same as if you have two children with the same man.