Dating men with children

[HedgeHogFan1980]

Hello, just looking for any advice/thoughts on dating men that already have children?
I'm 35 (f), single, no kids of my own, but would really like to settle down soon and have a family of my own (if I'm able to).
I've just started speaking to a guy online who seems really nice, a fair bit in common, but he does have a 4 year old daughter who he has every 2nd weekend. He has asked me out on a date, and I'm unsure whether it's something to do or not.
My friends said they think it'd be a good idea to just go for a coffee and see how we get on, no pressure... but what I wouldn't like to do is find that there is a good connection there, but then maybe feel that the complication of kids is too tricky - and feel like I've lead him or me on, and have wasted our time.
Any thoughts or opinions - would be gratefully received!

I wouldn't do look to do it if I had no children of my own and wanted them. Of course it can happen that you just meet someone by chance and fall madly in love - but it would have to be someone I couldn't imagine not pursuing it with rather than thinking "maybe" I could.

He doesn’t see his own child much. Would you really want a child with a flaky father?

I’ve just read the thread and I think you have had some good advice.

Someone with kids dating another person with kids is entirely different but for you as a single woman I wouldn’t advise it.

Youve made a wise choice.

To be honest, if I didn't have my child I wouldn't really mind dating someone with kids but I also really like and enjoy kids and teens which i think makes it easier. I think if this is niggling at you then it's maybe a sign that it's just not a complication you want and I think it's better to be up front about that.

If you date someone with kids you need to be prepared to step parent that kid full time and when they're a teen if the other parent dies/ becomes unable in some way to care for them. You also need to be ready for your relationship to move at the pace the child needs as opposed to what you and your partner want to do.

I think the bit that can be really difficult is that most single parents (myself included) are (rightly) wary of introducing children to new partners too soon. But that also means you're quite likely emotionally invested in the other person before you meet the child and actually get a feel for what their parenting is really like and whether that aligns with how you would like to see them approach things and where your boundaries fit with that. It's difficult but obviously needs to be balanced with the risks to a child from a new partner their parent doesn't really know that well coming into their life. So it definitely adds an extra complexity. And that's before you add in what the Co parenting relationship is like with their ex.

As a single parent I think if someone is really that hesitant about the idea of me having a child I'd personally rather they didn't waste my time because my time is focused on my child and is therefore precious to me. Only you can decide if its worth going on a date to see what you think or not..

I actually think it’s completely fine for childfree men not to date women with kids. If that’s what they want I support it with zero judgement. I can totally understand why they wouldn’t want that.

Not only that but I’ve seen and heard so many terrible examples of stepdads (and stepmoms tbh) that I wish more men left single mothers alone for the sake of the children!

And even with stepdads who are genuinely good often the kids still feel strange about an unrelated male about the house. Again same applies to women.

I think more people - both men and women- need to be honest about whether they really can accommodate someone with kids. And as for parents, well they need to consider what’s best for their kids.

The issue is not men and women who don’t date single parents. The issue is men and women who date single parents and negatively impact the kids and cause harm. Those of us who realised it wasn’t for us are the considerate ones who thought things through!

I agree with this but I think anyone dating someone with a child needs to have their eyes open and be prepared to foster a positive relationship with the child as you will eventually be a big part of their life.

I think where the difference lies is in the innate expectation that women are there to provide care and a step child becomes more of The Load as opposed to the expectation of a man to step up and do his 50% share of The Load.

I don't think it's right to generalise, but I do think in many cases women end up doing the brunt of the work of single fathers (be they grannies/ aunties/ ex wives or new partners) and it would be naieve not to acknowledge that women are trying to navigate a social imbalance that men don't have to navigate in the same way.

I don’t view someone who sees their kid every second weekend as a “single dad” @Error4O4 he is a weekend dad.

A you are dating the man, not the ex nor the child, relationships will come with issues that you need to work on regardless if he had a child or not and it's your outlook to life and to him that determines what is a problem and what is not, if you're already thinking that him being a dad and having a 4 yo child is an issue then you have already created one.

A child is a massive and central part of a dad’s life if he’s a good one. It’s something that should be considered from the outset and you should always be prepared for him (rightly so) prioritising his child and centring them in decisions eg. If you wanted to move away or just go on long couples holiday or spend Christmas with just the two of you etc.

Not to mention the amount of money that may be leaving your household in child support. He might even want/need to take full custody of the kids one day. You get stepparents on here sharing these stories every day.
“We can’t afford X and Y as he’s paying Z amount to his ex.” Or “we can only have one kid because there’s no longer room for his two kids to stay if we have more than one”. “His ex is angry about us taking /not taking stepchild to x place” Or worse the tales of conflict - His child swore at me and he didn’t discipline him etc

I remember the woman spending most of Christmas alone because her partners kids wanted it with just their mum & dad.

Yes, all relationships have things to deal with but stepkids is not something I wish to add to that. And I think that’s a very reasonable stance.

Better that than get with someone with kids and then be a shitty step parent like so many are.

If they are a good dad, kids will always come first, if they are a bad dad, you don't want them anyway!

This is spot on.

Right now, he's an every other weekend dad to a 4 year old. How long ago did he split from the mom? He spends very little time with his very young child. I would judge that as him being a disinterested dad. Standard is 50/50. I also would not be interested in being co-opted into watching his kid so he could pay less child support.

I wouldn't even go for coffee, myself. I didn't date men with kids when I was single.

I have no issues with a man who has children. You just have to be careful not to become the unpaid live in a nanny- make that clear from the start and they tend to end it with you anyway. I do have an issue with a man who thinks every second weekend makes him a decent parent, maybe if you don’t want your own kids and don’t care about his kids then you can do it but if you want a 50/50 partner and father then it’s a massive red flag. He’s clearly show in you he doesn’t feel parenting is his responsibility

He's hardly a single dad, he has his child 4, maybe sometimes 6 days a month.

Less than 2 months in a year.

Work it. 🙄

This is beautiful to read but rare sadly. Op look at the Instagram account @blendedand their postcards to see all the dramas

@ValidPistachiosingle men often do avoid single mums (unless they want to cock lodge) many men make whole podcast careers advising men to stay away from single mums

Op the main thing is to listen to his reasons around the break up and watch how he treats his ex as he’ll treat you in that way one day. If she is accused of being crazy call it quits now.

I’m well aware that they do. I’m simply pointing out the double standard that exists on MN.

I think being mid 30s you're going to struggle finding a decent man who doesn't already have kids. It's quite unusual.
But if you'd resent a step child, stay away.

I have plenty of decent male friends some married some single, who didn’t /dont have kids in their mid 30s. Not unusual in my circle.

My best guy friend met his now wife at 35 married at 37 and had his kids by 40.

A man who couldn’t make it through his child’s early years with his partner and now sees his 4 year old kid every so often, as so many men with young kids seem to do doesn’t scream decent anyway.

So it’s no loss if she excludes them from her dating pool as it’s about quality not quantity. Will filter out a lot of wrong uns.

Rubbish. There are plenty of decent men in their mid to late thirties without children. So best to avoid the single fathers when you can easily find a decent man without children.

The double standards on MN in regards to single mothers comes from the fact that it is used by mothers (it's in the name) and they've split up with the father to their children and searching for a new partner. The reality comes as a shock when they realise that a lot of men don't want to date a mother.

My advice to the OP would be to set your dating app filters to avoid men with children.

Every second weekend,so twice a month? Not every other weekend? At 4 years old that's not enough. That alone would put me off. I'd be thinking if things went well I'd be doing more childcare than him but he could "look" the part.

If that's the energy and time he is devoting to his own daughter I'd expect very little on a relationship once the shine wore off.

I see your update good for you op. This one isn't for you.

Really?? Where have you seen that here?? Have you come from Reddit by any chance?

It's totally understandable why a childless man wouldn't want to date a mum.

Of course it's understandable, but it's also frowned upon on by MN.

OP I think - firstly trust your instinct, I'm sure you have done the right thing in this moment.

however - longer term i think by later 30/s early 40s - aren't the majority of men going to have a lot of 'baggage' of some sort including kids?!

This as been used several times in this thread about this man seeing his child EOW. You all have no idea of the circumstance why this is the case.

I have friends who have no choice but to work every hour known to man because the ex wife couldn't keep their legs shut and as a reward they lose the house, full-time access to the kids etc. You are judging without knowing the facts. The OP could be turning down a good man without really knowing.

Every second weekend and every other weekend means the same thing, surely?

How much of a step parent would the OP actually be though given he only sees kid every 2nd weekend?

Meet for coffee, my first question on date would be why dont you see your kid more often.