Cheating husband - how do I get over this?

[sludgefactory]

I don’t really know what I want from this thread but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this right now.

A few days ago I found messages between my “D”H and one of his colleagues which made it very clear they were having a sexual relationship.

We have a DS (1) and I have not long returned to work after a year on maternity leave, and to say I was shocked and devastated is an understatement.

I knew something wasn’t right - we hadn’t been getting on well due to very stressful living circumstances and just the daily juggle of two parents working full time with a young child, but I never thought he would do this to us.

He claims it didn’t mean anything (despite “I love yous” being exchanged) and that it was just for attention - what a cliche.

I don’t know what to do - I feel so numb it’s almost like I don’t care. He went into the office on Thursday and I just didn’t even care that she would be there or that he might see her.

Is this over? Should it be over? He is desperately sorry and keeps apologising and wants to make it right but I just don’t know if I can really move on from it.

Once they cheat in that particular relationship,they will cheat again.

Omg yes it’s over. I’m sorry.

No you can’t get over that. I’m so sorry OP.

I’ve seen many men at work cheat. They’ve all done it again,

And this was done to you at your most vulnerable - small baby, stress of going back to work full time. It’s appalling.

If you genuinley dont care if he is meeting her in work then I would feel that there is no coming back from this for you . Sorry.
Although just because I think that and I dont believe I could get over it doesn't mean that other people are the same.
Good luck with whatever you decide and it is your decision. You dont owe him anything.

It is an awful shock OP, so understandable you are stunned and numb.
Give yourself time, you must be sleep deprived and reeling. Do you work somewhere with access to free counselling so you could have space to talk and plan ?

He can shut up while you take a few days to process it. You don't need to rush a decision, or how you feel, or what you want.

Sometimes relationships can recover from infidelity, but most don't. Even those that appear to, there's nearly always ongoing effects around trust, self-confidence, resentment.

I'm so sorry he did this to you. Get the little weasel to spill everything to you - if you sense he's not being 100% honest now, then you'll know there's no point even considering staying with him.

Ive been cheated on. Easy to say sorry when they're found out - means nothing and it's not remorse. He's actually desperately sorry for himself as his choices are having consequences for him. Until you found out it was all very exciting for him and he didn't give a damn about you, your baby, your marriage.

A great site to help you figure it all out is Chump Lady. Helps you cut through the bullshit.

Thank you - as others have already said, my instinct was that this would turn into a pattern of behaviour if I decide to forgive and move forward.
Luckily I do have access to talking therapy through my work medical insurance (I hadn’t even thought of that so I appreciate the reminder) so perhaps that might be a good place to start trying to get my thoughts and feelings out.

He's only desperately sorry because he got caught. Obviously you have to decide what your red line is. I'm sure there are some who could recover their relationship. I couldn't and didn't. He will tell you it meant nothing, he's sorry etc. Then if you don't shift, he'll pull the netball health card out. Mine claimed he was depressed. He might even threaten suicide. You have to decide what you want. But here's the thing- you don't have to make a decision now. Take your time. Sit with it for a while. If he pushes for you to forgive him, that tells you all you need

Mental health. My phone is new and driving me crazy

This is exactly how I feel, he’s sorry he got caught, not sorry for what he was doing or how it would affect me.

We have been though so much together, infertility, miscarriage, loss. I thought we were okay because we had each other and we were stronger for it but now I just feel so so stupid.

How could he do this to me? How could he do this to our family? Why wasn’t I enough for him? There are so many things I just don’t understand and I don’t know if I ever will.

OP I’ve been in your shoes. Do what’s best for you. That might be to leave now or fake it for a bit to get yourself sorted financially. Either way your marriage is over, there’s no coming back from it. Cheating is abusive and traumatising. Get therapy for yourself (it’s good you can access this). You’ll never be able to unsee those messages. Listen to Lily Allen’s album.

I think with a colleague too (as my DH was) they and the affair partner will be together during the day which lends to them carrying on. And you sat at home wondering.

Phone his parents and ask them collect him while you have time to process the news that their son has been cheating on you with another woman.

Plus, get an STD check done as soon as possible. This is to prevent him from spinning a yarn and making you at fault. Take control of the narrative l.

I’m so sorry, that sounds like an awful shock and with a little one as well it blows up all your expectations of what future family life will look like.

If you can, let go of any question of what it “should” mean or what you “should” do. Relationships can recover after infidelity, or they can end, and you don’t have to make any decisions immediately. First year of a new baby is so hard (as you know!) — not an excuse but it’s plausible that this is an out of character stress response from him and maybe recoverable, if that’s what you both want and he’s willing to put the work in.

What do you want right now, the next few days? Do you want to take some time off work and go to stay with family? Do you want him to take some time off work, or to leave the house for a bit? Do you want to talk about it or not? He’s saying he wants to make it right so ask for what you want from him.

You have a child together so there will be an ongoing relationship of some kind however there’s absolutely no obligation to continue a romantic relationship (even if he apologizes a thousand times) and there is equally no obligation to break up (even if mn tells you that he’s the worst most evil person etc).

Do what you need to recover from the shock first, then you can start to think clearly about what the future might look like. Oh, and please remember this is not your fault and not your shame to carry.

I think you feeling like you don’t care is just your brain protecting you from the shock. All the feelings will rise to the surface at some point.

For them to exchange I love yous and him to say it was meaningless and for attention is almost worse. Obviously he’s lying to you and probably to her too and the truth is somewhere in the middle but to do this to you for his own validation is truly disgusting. And a sure fire signal he will do it again.

If will always be a reflection of him, and not you. It’s a deficit in his character that he hid well until now.

Don’t be afraid to tell your friends and family. Mine have literally saved me.

It sounds like you're in shock and that accounts for the numb feeling. It's only been a few days, it's no wonder you're reeling and struggling to think clearly.

Do you think it might help if you asked him to leave for a few days & stay with a friend or family member? Just to give you time to think and not have to deal with him and his apologies?

I don't think you should even consider forgiving him to be honest - having sex and saying I love you to another woman is more than just a bit of flirting and enjoying the attention. The deception and the lies involved would sicken me too. I don't know if you can ever get the trust back and I'm not sure I'd be willing to try.

I think it's a really good idea to get some talking therapy through your works scheme - it's good to have an impartial person to talk things through with. Your family and friends can obviously give you love and support too but it will be more complicated by their own feelings of anger on your behalf!

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process this. Remember you have done nothing wrong and he is to blame for this mess, no matter what he says (men often start off with sorry but then start looking to spread the blame with accusations of neglecting them etc!) Do tell your closest friends and get support from them - you don't have to carry this alone 💐

Take a look at https://survivinginfidelity.com/. I think what you'll find there will echo what other posters have said. I'm sorry you're going through this.

OP, this is appalling behaviour from him - to break your trust so completely, and at such a sensitive time as well.

Be kind to yourself. You’ll feel awful at some times and numb at others, and maybe even OK sometimes. It will feel like a rollercoaster, but it will eventually settle down.

I couldn’t forgive this.

So sending him to his parents is going to be difficult since we are currently living with them while our house is undergoing some work. It’s not an ideal situation to say the least and they are aware and obviously incredibly disappointed in their son but it does put me in a difficult position as I don’t really have anywhere else to go right now and neither does he.

He would never tell his friends what he’s done so he won’t be going to stay there. Luckily there is a spare room here and he’s sleeping there for now while I figure things out.

Telling my friends and family feels impossible right now - I’m so ashamed that this has happened and I can’t bring myself to tell them about what he’s done. It’s also that thing of not wanting to change their opinion of him in case I do decide to give things another go as I know it will never be the same afterwards.

It’s all such a mess. I feel pretty hopeless right now.

Rather than being the reason not to tell your friends, I think that is actually the reason to tell them! Don’t let this become a dirty little secret that is swept under the carpet!
I would be telling his friends too!
If you do decide you want to forgive & move on, he needs to own it, work on himself before you work on it together!
Don’t let him start pretending it hasn’t happened at this early stage!

💯

You have no reason to feel ashamed, the shame is his. I can understand you're embarrassed to talk to friends or family but this really is a moment when you need your own people.

All my best wishes to you

This is NOT your shame. This is all on him. He’s the creep.

Do not try to make things better yourself. He has to do all the work.

Personally I’d bin him. Nasty little shit.

Omg what is wrong with these OW and married men. Stay strong lovely you deserve better. Must be hard all living in the same house going through this. 😥

You need to tell your family, the shame is on him not you. I'm sorry but any man who can do this to you when you're pregnant and have a newborn isn't worth fighting for. If you do forgive him, it's just giving him a green light that he doesn't need to respect you. And he very clearly doesn't.

Tell me about it. She knew as well. Knew about me, knew about my son. She just didn’t care (8 years younger) and clearly had her eyes on the “prize”. He at least didn’t lie and tell her we were ‘separated’ or anything, so why she settled for that I don’t know.

I know it’s not her I should be angry at but I am. I could never knowingly do that to another woman and her child. She called herself his “whore” though so I suppose she was self-aware enough…