Cheating husband - how do I get over this?

[sludgefactory]

I don’t really know what I want from this thread but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this right now.

A few days ago I found messages between my “D”H and one of his colleagues which made it very clear they were having a sexual relationship.

We have a DS (1) and I have not long returned to work after a year on maternity leave, and to say I was shocked and devastated is an understatement.

I knew something wasn’t right - we hadn’t been getting on well due to very stressful living circumstances and just the daily juggle of two parents working full time with a young child, but I never thought he would do this to us.

He claims it didn’t mean anything (despite “I love yous” being exchanged) and that it was just for attention - what a cliche.

I don’t know what to do - I feel so numb it’s almost like I don’t care. He went into the office on Thursday and I just didn’t even care that she would be there or that he might see her.

Is this over? Should it be over? He is desperately sorry and keeps apologising and wants to make it right but I just don’t know if I can really move on from it.

and

it’s easier to blame her but the blame is all his as he has dropped a grenade in your marriage.

Yes.

We weren't. We had ended and started to get a divorce. During that time we actually got along really well. The weight of her secret had lifted and we had got back to being friends. But we could be close as friends but nothing more while there was still a block there in herself. It was still like she was more upset at being caught than truly regretful.

Then I did something extremely embarrassing in public and I never take myself too seriously. I could see the humour of what I had just done. And I shared it with her by text as I can never not share a good laugh even at my expense. Our eldest was with her when the texts came through and she described the reaction as her breaking mentally. She laughed and cried over and over and then snapped out of it.

We talked that night and it was different. She no longer avoided questions and opened up about everything. Took full accountability and held nothing back.

It took us some time to start rebuilding and I set no rules or boundaries. She set all of those herself.

It took a lot of work but we are good.

Thank you for sharing your story, @AnonymouseDad . Have you ever thought about how things would have gone if she was never caught? That is also what I can't help but raise when it comes to forgiving cheating... Everyone is always so sorry, and so they are saying they are willing to do anything to make it work, but chances are they'd sleep well still if they were never caught...

You kick him out, get a divorce, pick yourself up and in time move on with your life. Never let anyone treat you this way otherwise if you just carry on you give him a green card to be a serial cheater. You know you didn't deserve this so don't let him talk his way out of it. Don't let him sleep in your bed or kiss you. Make him know you are repulsed by his behaviour.

@sludgefactory , I'm so sorry he has done this to you. I just wanted to call out something you said and help you reframe it.
Why wasn’t I enough for him?
This is nothing to do with you, and is in no way a failing on your part. He did this because he has a moral failing inside of him. He wanted the validation of someone else. He had everything, a loving wife and child and he threw it away just so he could have his ego inflated. That is a complete moral failing on his part.

For me, I could never forgive this. When I was young, I had a boyfriend cheat on me. I dumped him but he did the usual sorry dance and I stupidly took him back. I wasted 3 years of my life that I will never get back. I could never forgive him and truly get over it. I will never make that mistake again.

In time, you will look back and be grateful for the new life that you have built. It won't be easy, but it will get better.

Sending you a hug.

I've been cheated on too, after almost two decades together. Heartbreak is the most horrendous pain and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Take your time x

How long do you have until your house is ready do you to live in?

At that point, I would move you and your DC in and leave your H at his parents, give yourself some time away from him to work out how you feel. This don’t mean he gets to step back from parenting, he should still come over to do the nursery run/pick up, take DC to the park or whatever, but being forced to live with him and his parents during this time must be tortuous.

Also, do tell people. The shame is his to bear alone, not yours, and you need some friends around you who can support you during this difficult time.

How do you get over this? Honestly…you don’t. I’m 6 years divorced but have never got over it. I have moved on, I am happy, but that level of betrayal cuts deep.
You are in for a rollercoaster ride and you do not need to make any decisions right now. Just focus on yourself and your child and getting through each day. Please do get support from your family.

i tried to stay with xh but ultimately I could not forgive him. I couldn’t forgive the lies, the betrayal and I couldn’t forgive that he spent time fucking another woman when he could have spent time with his kids.

if you want to make a go of it he needs to be prepared to do some work. To look deeply at why he did it otherwise the risk is always there again. Trying to make a go of it turned me into someone I don’t recognise. I was paranoid all the time, I was trying to find evidence of things, it was horrible. The trust had gone and couldn’t be repaired. I thought I still loved him but actually I was just desperate to stay together for my kids. The love and respect had gone. Not helped because he followed the script-the drip feeding of stuff-when you think they are stating to be transparent but just continue to lie.

i promise you that you will get through this whatever decision you make. You will be stronger than you realise.

Divorce is the only way.

This

My ex cheated on me while I was pregnant/had just given birth

She knew me well-she was my best friend,the friend who was there during my high risk pregnancy,birth,breastfeeding,helping me in and out of the shower,3am feeds etc

He'd fed her the 'im soooo unhappy' 'shes more bothered about the baby than me' 'my mental health is suffering' 'shes controlling' 'we dont have a sex life' blah,blah,blah

She wanted to swoop in and 'save' and 'protect' him (and get a few shags in for herself)

The lies they told each other was amazing-when it all came out,if I hadn't been in such shock,I would have laughed

I had no support (my family is useless and blamed me for everything)

It lasted 8 weeks before they broke up and I can now look back and wonder why the hell i was with him (classic cocklodger who had me running around for him until the day i gave birth and hours after) and that she had her own issues and zero morals (her mother backed her up no matter how bad her behaviour)

Both had the morals of alleycats and didnt give a fuck about anyone else

Take any support from family/friends and on here-you dont have to make any decisions now-your in shock and cant see clearly

Sending love

Just to add, you are enough. I spent months/years feeling shit about myself wondering why I wasn’t enough. She was younger, had a body that hadn’t been ravaged by 3 kids, it hit my self esteem hard. But over time I realised that I was enough. But he needed some kind of external validation. The problem was with him. Not me.

There is a lot more to it than this.

It was coming to a head either way. Her affair partner was extremely manipulative and nasty towards the end. It was him who made me find out for sure. He constantly threatened her with exposure to her family, work colleagues, kids, me.
She showed me the messages after and he would say things not in a do this or else. He was subtle and would say I wonder what would happen if i accidentally say the wrong thing.

That was causing her so much stress and she was at snapping point. So it would have come out either way.

Even without that. The secret itself was causing a rift and she could see the harm it was causing. It wasn't staying a secret much longer.

@AnonymouseDad - Wow. I am not trying to be hurtful here, you have gone through pain enough as it is, but the things you typed here.. You are making her sound like a victim. Poor cheating wife, her nasty nasty AFFAIR PARTNER (!) was not nice to her... You need more self-respect, my friend. I am sorry, but rationalising it this way is absolutely shocking. Nobody forced your wife to have an affair. She chose to do so.

"The secret itself was causing a rift and she could see the harm it was causing."
And all of us reading this in unison go 'and that is surprising how exactly?'. And not because we are nasty, but because we are objective observers of what you are saying. So, a marriage that is supposed to be monogamous - unless set up otherwise in the beginning - is harmed by one party who disregards the arrangement and feelings of the other person involved. Well colour me surprised, who knew...

Rationalise it for as long as you wish, nobody deserved to be treated that way, not OP, not you, nobody. And the cheating spouses actively chose to do so. And that is the bottom line.

I'm really sorry, OP. I do disagree with those who say it's equally on the OW. It's a totally normal and human reaction to hate her, but if marrying you, making promises and having a family doesn't make you more responsible than some stranger, then what's the point of it? If you're not totally responsible for your commitments, who is? Is he less than fully to blame? How can a man make a promise and then the world's 3 billion women be held responsible for it?

I think it's also important to hold him fully responsible, partly because he is, and partly because it will inform your choices from here. Basically, can you trust him? It doesn't matter about any other woman, most of us can find someone else to sleep with if we want to. If you can't trust him, it really doesn't matter what any other woman would or wouldn't do. If you can trust him, and his decisions, you're safe. What is he doing to prove he's changed and you can trust him again?

There have been a couple of betrayed wives on here whose comments stuck with me. One stayed married and recovered and. She said that the secret was that, at some point, after remorse and so on, she did just have to "get over it". She wasa naturally optimistic, onward and upward kind of person, so she could. Some people can, some people can't.

The other was a woman who was in the process of trying to work through things. Her husband had offered to let her see the messages and she declined. She said that it didn't surprise her that people meeting for affairs will say stuff, and she didn't need all the details for her healing. Indeed, people in these situations will say stuff; cobblers, bollocks and whatever they think best serves them. They're in a selfish bubble, they talk shit. Knowing all that helped her.

I don't think it matters which option is "braver", I think it matters which option is in your best interests and you don't have to rush that decision. You've been hit by a juggernaut and you have such a lot to think about. You need time. But as people have said, do know that this isn't your fault at all and all you have to consider is what's best for you.

I wish you well.

I also don't agree that the other person should be blamed equally or more. Why would a person who does not know you at all have any obligation at all when it comes to the cheating spouse who is actively betraying you? The other person doesn't betray you, they don't know you, often times they don't even know of your existence, or have been told a skewed side of a story.. No, the weight is on the cheater. And the cheater should be the focus of disappointment.

Please listen to the No As We Planned podcast xx

Even if it were true that another person holds some blame, there's no way forward if the cheater believes that. If he's standing there telling you he's not fully responsible because she was available, he's clearly not sorry and doesn't think it's entirely on him in the future either. Some people do recover from affairs - I think the circumstances matter, some are more forgivable than others - but I don't see how you can ever truly rebuild if the cheater themselves doesn't take full responsibility without sharing it with another outside party.

After all, if he thinks it's partly other women's responsibility, if he doesn't think it's solely on him - how can he be sure he won't do it again?

@sludgefactory if he can’t or won’t move out from his parents, can you? Do you have any family you could stay with until your home is ready? Could you rent an Airbnb for a few weeks to get some space from him? I’m suggesting this because it must be so difficult to process your thoughts and feelings while he and his parents are constantly there.

Thank you to everyone who has commented with messages of support and kindness, it means so much to hear others say it wasn't my fault. Thanks also to those that have shared their own experiences, I'm sorry that you've all had to go through this too because I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

I do plan to move into the house with my son and without him. He is still continuing to say all the right things but I can barely even look at him, let alone speak to him right now.

I feel like it's just completely changed my feelings towards him and I don't know if that can ever recover really. I don't think I can see him in the same light again.

I just don't know what my future looks like right now and the uncertainty is really really difficult to process.

It’s devastating for you. Can you recover the marriage? It’s hard to say. For reasons of shame, and keeping a public face, few people will talk openly about putting a marriage back together after infidelity. It doesn’t often succeed. It’s up to you if you want to try.

The first two years after we had dc1 were awful. I thought my dh hated me, I felt he treated me with awful contempt. I had raging hormones from pnd and grief as my dad had died after a terrible ordeal with cancer. I couldn’t work out if I was the crazy one or dh had become a totally different and horrible person. Did he cheat in this period of time? Probably not but I could see how it might have happened for a weaker mind than his if opportunity arose. I would have been tempted too.

Fifteen years later we are settled and happy. I don’t think about the awful years.

To make a success of it: dh should change job to remove temptation and needs to be entirely open with his phones etc for as long as you desire. Possibly forever.

Don’t settle for less. Changing jobs is a minimum

@sludgefactory You must go with your feelings. That’s important and keep your self respect intact. I did that a different way. However we all need to do what suits us best.

My DH thinks his affairs should now be swept under the carpet and totally forgiven. I cannot do that. He thinks it’s a switch you can operate - which says a lot about his personality and how he treated me. Good enough for a while and then switched off. Of course other women knew about me! He told them he was unhappy with me. I have emails with the details. (He’s not as good at tech as he thinks he is.) Eventually you need to decide what your future should be and I wish you all the best in that.

It's nothing you have done. In one of the most vulnerable times of your life after having a child, he decided to do what he wanted to do.
What he did was his choice. It's on him. No one else. You have no shame to carry at all.

He is a selfish person.

It is hard. You need to focus on yourself and your child. Please reach out to your family and friends for support

I agree with you - that was my point, exactly... That the focus should be on the cheater, not the third person.

Who are you to tell people how they should and should not feel? Honestly.

@sludgefactory ”He is still continuing to say all the right things”

Has he stopped saying that it “didn’t mean anything”? I always find this such an odd justification. Unless he’s an imbecile, he knew that getting caught might mean divorce and he did it anyway! So it meant enough to jeopardise everything you thought you had.

I know life is difficult, feelings are complicated. I do think it’s possible to love someone and cheat on them anyway (if you’re weak). But it is not possible to truly respect someone and cheat on them anyway.
You know now that he is weak and he doesn’t respect you. That’s the bare minimum that it means and he shouldn’t be able to let himself off the hook with his “didn’t mean anything” bullshit.
You sound wise and resourceful. As they say, “don’t get mad, get everything”. Or both? I would probably go for both.