Cheating husband - how do I get over this?

[sludgefactory]

I don’t really know what I want from this thread but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this right now.

A few days ago I found messages between my “D”H and one of his colleagues which made it very clear they were having a sexual relationship.

We have a DS (1) and I have not long returned to work after a year on maternity leave, and to say I was shocked and devastated is an understatement.

I knew something wasn’t right - we hadn’t been getting on well due to very stressful living circumstances and just the daily juggle of two parents working full time with a young child, but I never thought he would do this to us.

He claims it didn’t mean anything (despite “I love yous” being exchanged) and that it was just for attention - what a cliche.

I don’t know what to do - I feel so numb it’s almost like I don’t care. He went into the office on Thursday and I just didn’t even care that she would be there or that he might see her.

Is this over? Should it be over? He is desperately sorry and keeps apologising and wants to make it right but I just don’t know if I can really move on from it.

The audacity... Me pointing out that instead of some third person who has no ties to anyone, maybe the blame should be focussed on the asshole who is supposed to be the loyal partner, someone who instead of respecting the hurt party DECIDED to break the promise between them and sneak around. Yeah, it does sound crazy, I am saying something out of this world...

No-no, instead, let's just call the third person a c-nt, and maybe pull her hair while screaming "homewrecking harlot!". I mean, there is zero proof that she even knows of the wife's existence, but sure, she surely is a b-tch because that will make everything ok. We could even snap our fingers and say "you go girl", because that is more supportive than being objective and reasonable...

I’m sorry. He’s acted dreadfully towards you.xx

There is plenty of blame to go around. The husband being the supreme arsehole doesn’t make an OW in full possession of the facts any less of an arsehole.

You do not know that @ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast . You don't know what the husband told her. But let's assume she was in full possession of the facts, I'm happy to entertain that - not nice, definitely an asshole then. But what does it matter? She has no ties to OP, not up to her to make sure the husband stays true to what his promise should be. Asshole (in this case)? Absolutely? Relevant? Not even a little bit.

The OP posted:

“Tell me about it. She knew as well. Knew about me, knew about my son. She just didn’t care (8 years younger) and clearly had her eyes on the “prize”. He at least didn’t lie and tell her we were ‘separated’ or anything, so why she settled for that I don’t know.
I know it’s not her I should be angry at but I am. I could never knowingly do that to another woman and her child. She called herself his “whore” though so I suppose she was self-aware enough…”

He is the worst but the OW here sounds like a complete dick as well.

Obviously it’s between the OP and her husband but I cannot abide this pious “ohh the OW hasn’t really done anything wrong, you know”. It’s sanctimonious bullshit. The OP is free to cast blame at whoever she likes.

I agree with you, 100% @ThisIsAGlobalPlayerOriginalPodcast , OW absolutely is. My point was that when there is so much to sort out between the separation, who the heck cares about wasting extra effort on that third person.
But I get what you are saying. I am also probably vary of this line of thinking, as often times I had friends who were cheated on where the third person was not even aware of their existence. Again, I understand it is not the case here, so yes, OW is a c-nt.

Yeah, I had this happen to me too. Kids were older (5 & 7). We'd been together for 20 years. I found out he'd been cheating for our entire relationship. I did stay for 4 years, trying to make it work, but ultimately it was never the same again. He didn't even change his behaviour! Still flirted with women in front of me! When I left him, I think it was the same week, he slept with my best friend, so I lost her too. Good riddance!

I did move on, and have been with my now DH for over 17 years. He is so much nicer and trustworthy. ExH on the other hand, has cheated on every women he's been with after me.

In contrast, another one of my friends caught her husband cheating, and they did work through it. He has never done it again, and now, some 25 years on, they do seem genuinely happy.

I would say, don't make any snap decisions. You will know if/when it's time to call it. For me, it was a man kissing me in a club. I did not see it coming. It was like a lightbulb moment where I realised "other men are available". And in that moment, my marriage was over. I wouldn't piss on ExH now if he was on fire.

I am genuinely wondering how people can stay just because the one who cheated didn't cheat again after... It still happened. Puzzles my mind.

Once a cheater always a cheater. He wants the best of both worlds, a supportive woman at his side and someone to have sexual fun with. Girl you need to kick him to the curb.

First. I have plenty of self respect. A couple of paragraphs cannot convey everything.

Yes my wife made a choice and is to blame. She fully accepts that and does not place any blame away from herself for that choice.

The AP's actions and threats are not me justifying her actions. It is to show the low moral character of someone who engages with a married person.

My wife had choices. She could have told me we were over. She could have told me what was going on. Once their relationship had bordered into abusive, I can't imagine how that felt. Empathy and self respect are not mutually exclusive.

I spent some time in the aftermath on a few forums seaking advice and insight. What I found were either or scenarios. People constantly bleating on about how self respect suffers if you look at the affair with any type of empathy.

So many people have ludicrously high horses. They feel not only must they attack any form of what they perceive as weakness but have the audacity to use statements such as "all of us" when expressing their own opinions. As if by invoking the ethereal group they can add pressure behind their words. I've always lost respect for those who use such group statements without actually knowing the thoughts of those others.

My self respect and strength has allowed me to simultaneously accept my wife is to blame fully for her choices, and also look at the situation she got herself into and see the pain she ended up in living under threats. To be absolutely clear. Not once has my wife blamed her affair partner for her own choices.

Her opening up their interactions with me of her own accord gave her insight that is lacking while living the timeline. Seeing it all in a single thread made her realise how weak she had been. It pulled the mask of excitement off that had been covering the low character of her affair partner. Even then she did not shift the blame away from herself. It just changed her thoughts on him to a hatred and disgust that matches my own thoughts of him.

I firmly believe that to survive still in the relationship after an affair has detonated what once was. There can be no blinkered views. You have to commit fully to the possibility of future pain. You have to take the affair as fact and be able to move on. That does not mean forget. You have to be able to empathise and try to understand. And this is where many fall down. Empathy does not mean agree with or justify. Empathy means to think about how another feels. Nothing more and nothing less. I can think about how my wife felt and not absolve her of her guilt. But having that level of understanding allows me to stop asking why and instead work towards us both growing together. That part does hurt and takes some mental gymnastics.

Most of all if you are to survive I believe you need to never forget what happend but not let it define you. I believe it becomes a part of your history and can be talked about but never ever used. By that I mean I will never use the affair in an argument. I will never throw the affair in my wifes face when i'm struggling or when I am angry or if we get into a disagreement about anything.

There is a lot involves in staying. To make it work you do need self respect and I have that.

You do you, @AnonymouseDad , it is your life. One thing at least I do agree with - "A couple of paragraphs cannot convey everything"