Cheating husband - how do I get over this?

[sludgefactory]

I don’t really know what I want from this thread but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this right now.

A few days ago I found messages between my “D”H and one of his colleagues which made it very clear they were having a sexual relationship.

We have a DS (1) and I have not long returned to work after a year on maternity leave, and to say I was shocked and devastated is an understatement.

I knew something wasn’t right - we hadn’t been getting on well due to very stressful living circumstances and just the daily juggle of two parents working full time with a young child, but I never thought he would do this to us.

He claims it didn’t mean anything (despite “I love yous” being exchanged) and that it was just for attention - what a cliche.

I don’t know what to do - I feel so numb it’s almost like I don’t care. He went into the office on Thursday and I just didn’t even care that she would be there or that he might see her.

Is this over? Should it be over? He is desperately sorry and keeps apologising and wants to make it right but I just don’t know if I can really move on from it.

I don't think it's brave to stay. I think staying often shows how scared someone is to be single, to initiate change, and that they would rather live with someone who doesn't value them, than go through the discomfort of leaving. Of course it isn't that black and white, but bravery surely is keeping your self respect, forging a new life and putting yourself first.

Yeah to be honest I agree with this.

It’s the deception, for me. It went on and on and on and he could have stopped it at any time and he didn’t. He’s only stopped now because you caught him out. You don’t do that to someone you love and cherish.

It would be absolutely dead in the water for me. I don’t see how I could come back from that and I’d want to show my girls that I am stronger that.

Don’t settle for this, OP. You deserve more than this.

I know you are hurting OP. But please don't let the shock of the betrayal and the fear of change cloud your judgement. Being oh so sorry somehow only comes when the cheater is being caught. He was not sorry as he was doing the cheating.. Cheating is a choice, it always is, always has been. He chose to disrespect your relationship and break your trust. In my opinion there is no way to undo something like this...

I don't think it's brave to stay. I think it's a frozen, fear of change reaction. A refusal to accept how he really sees you and the relationship.

The 'it didn't mean anything' excuse is particularly insulting I find. It basically translates to it was worth him blowing up yours and your kids lives for nothing. Nice one, cheers, I'm so pleased to hear we were worth so little to you.

I would leave tbh OP, because the problem with affairs is that the other partner does all the damage yet its you that has to do all the work to recover and learn to trust again and that just isn't on in my opinion.

In the meantime you will drive yourself insane with images of the two of them together, possibly end up sneaking about to check his phone, asking questions repeatedly etc. It really is no way to live. Ask me how I know.

You will never be able to trust him again.

He chose to cheat on you while you were having and them caring for his baby.

Just dump the selfish loser and tell your family and friends what he has done. He is the one who shoukd feel shame, not you.

I’m so sorry op what a shock. Such an awful thing for him to do, and her also. I have no advice really other than take care of yourself and do what you need to next. Just draw on support here and anywhere you can.

The problem you will have OP is they still work together. He can make all the promises in the world but you will never know what is happening in the workplace. People can easily sneak off to meet up or schedule meetings together. In my office the female HR manager is always having affairs and she has now managed to work her way up to the Managing Director. Its sad to see. I know it happens but its always the partner that gets the shit end of the stick. In the dark and second guessing.

Wow, @Tinybiker . The irony of the HR manager (now managing director) to be the one having affairs of all people is just special

No, she has managed to move on to an affair with the Managing Director.

Oh.. sorry, misread. But still, wow. Still staggering.

@InMyOodie Sometimes change is a massive alteration to your whole life. Not everyone embraces change and why can women not support other women with their choices? It’s interesting that many don’t. They don’t even show empathy with your situation, as my “friends” demonstrated. It’s almost as if they expected my DH to behave like this so no surprise registered registered and no support either!

Once you get a bit older, there is no mum to go to. Mine was in a 1 bed bungalow and no one else cared! You are totally on your own whilst DH sails on with money through high earnings and not a care in the world. I stayed to get continuation of my life and not be controlled by him. It was my version of the V sign but I wasn’t being pushed out by him!

He's lying. He's abused you physically exposing you to another woman's flora and possible STIs, emotionally by lying and putting this kind of emotional trauma on you, he abused you sexually because he violated your consent, would you have willingly had sex with him if you knew he was having sex with his coworker?

He didn't willingly disclose, you found messages that proved it. He's told her he loves her so this sounds like a serious affair he had no intention of ending. That he came in to grab his phone when you sent him copies says it all. He's only sorry he got caught.

I think you should tell your friends. You need support and it's ok to disclose what kind of man you're married to. I would also take advantage of that counseling. He's the kind of man who does wrong things when he thinks he can get away with it. He shits where he works, he will be doing that elsewhere. He's an opportunist. If you reconcile and your friends say something, you can just say you know and accept that your husband is a cheating opportunistic liar. Case closed. I would actually want my friends to have a heads up as to what kind of man he really is.

I agree with this. I'm in the process of divorcing after being cheated on and I feel that noone knows about the cheating as I've been just carrying on for the sake of the kids. We have 2, 7 and 4, and STBEXH still lives at home. I feel like I've not actually dealt with it though as I've just been keeping on going for the kids. I've had an offer accepted on my own place and hopefully moving out soon. It can't come fast enough tbh

Telling friends always assumes they are just “your” friends and that he has totally separate friends. Maybe in a young marriage, this is the case. In much longer marriages these people become “our” friends and not ascribed to individuals. It becomes more complex, as I found out. They don’t do what you think they will do. I stayed with H and no friend ever asked me how I was! Friends are not necessarily caring about you, snd can be superficial, even after 30 years!

My H had an affair (he said not physical). I stayed as I would not have the funds to leave (over 70 with not much pension). There is no trust, I just take everything at face value. Life is better when he isn't around, but I can function.

I left a cheating husband. He was always sorry and would break down and promise it didn’t mean anything. I tried to be a good spouse, it was never enough. He begged to come back because he loves the kids and I know he loved me too. He just didn’t love us enough or respect his family.

leave him. He knew what he was doing and the other woman probably knew he was married. He will do it again. Save yourself the trouble of him saying sorry and being nice and cheating again in a year or two. Leave now.

The other women always know they are married! They undoubtedly bleat about how they are not appreciated and that they want freedom from tyranny!

Sorry this happened to you. Don't keep it a secret, I'd tell everyone. Not in a dramatic way, just the facts. Because you deserve support and shouldn't have to cover up what he did. You should move back into your house without him if possible. He sounds like dirt.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

You are absolutly right about him being sorry he got caught. That is exactly how my wife was when I found out about her affair.

I felt at times numb, then full of rage and then just broken. Sometimes all of those plus more in the space of minutes.

My self worth took a nose dive. I can honestly say it was the single worst experience ever. And it does not go away.

It does lessen. The random flashes of thoughts lessen too.

But it never goes. Or at least not yet.

We did stay together but only after a severe turning point for my wife when she stopped being sorry she got caught and was genuinely sorry for her actions. There is a huge difference.

Since then she has done everything she can to reasure me even to her own detriment. She has stopped going out with friends unless I am there too. Not because she doesnt trust herself and certainty not because of anything i have said. She worries that I will worry. And there is little I can do to convince her otherwise.

I made no demands. I gave no ultimatums. There were no rules set by me. I was just too broken, I thought i had no idea before. What makes me think any rule or boundary would be followed unless im with her 100% of the time. So either I trust or I don't.

I knew the pain a second time would cause and weighed up my feelings for her against that and decided it was worth the risk. But not while she was only sorry she got caught.

After that shift and change. Everything opened up. There was no holding back on information or dodging questions. There was no attempts at changing blame even slightly.

Before the shift my wife didn't want anyone to know especially her closest friend. But after she was accepting of what people would think of her.

We still chose who to tell. My MIL will never know because she likes to make barbed comments and can be very hurtful and insensitive. My sister will never know as she would stick her oar in and try to cause drama.

Our best friends do know as I needed their support and as it turns out so did my wife.

We chose to tell people who would not decide what had to be done. As no one knows except you.

Before all of this I was very set on any cheating of any kind was the end. Unacceptable and totally unforgivable.
That went out the window within seconds of finding a pregnancy test that couldn't have been because of me. When faced with absolute proof not long after all my convictions were gone and I just felt numb. I think at that time had I of confided in someone who would have told me what to do I may have followed their advice. Luckily I confided in a friend and through him his new girlfriend who was an old old girlfriend of mine. There advice was only on how to breath and keep going. Not once did they say how I should feel or what I should do. They just let me know that they would stand with me whatever happens.
Find yourself people like that.

Sorry it got a bit long. I struggle to write short things.
Best of wishes. And remember. None of this is your fault. You are not to blame. Dont let the doubt creep in.

@AnonymouseDad - So, you are still together with your wife?

Sorry this happened OP. The main thing I would say to you is don’t make any decisions right now, you have plenty of time. Just focus on taking care of you and your baby. I strongly recommend Surviving Infidelity linked up thread for balanced advice, it’s bit American but helped me enormously when I was in your situation.

The other thing I really strongly recommend is tell someone you trust, whether that’s family or close friend. It really helps to share what you’re going through with someone.

I stayed and things are much better 5 years later but it was hard hard work and took a lot of effort from both of us. Clearly I don’t subscribe to the “once a cheater always a cheater” mantra many people spout on here, but I’m not going to go into my situation on the thread, always ends up with lots of people judging. Happy to discuss it in pms though if you want.

@MissedItByThisMuch - So sorry you had to endure that, too. I will be one of those who would never be able to move past cheating..But, I will not judge you, I have no right to. I don't subscribe to "once a cheater always a cheater", either. But I also don't believe it can ever be truly fixed, removed, undone. It's like.. If the person killed a houseplant, it doesn't mean that they will mess up and kill the next one too, but the previous one will not resurrect, it is still dead. Not making the weight of a situation like cheating smaller by likening it to a houseplant, just an example..
I absolutely can't understand when those who are caught or those who make themselves accept it reason with "it was a mistake". It never is. It is always a choice, the journey leading you up to a situation where you can cheat, as well as the cheating itself, too. And the choice was to betray the relationship and trust.

I am curious though, if you don't mind me asking, of course.. You are 100% fine, and don't ever think about it? You are never thinking how much it hurt, or still can hurt?

Too many women forgive cheating men in my opinion.

He has done this to you at one of the hardest times of your life. It just shows what he is capable of. Had you not found out it wound have continued.

Kick him out and fight tooth and nail for everything you are entitled to.