Cheating husband - how do I get over this?

[sludgefactory]

I don’t really know what I want from this thread but I feel like I need to get my thoughts out and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this right now.

A few days ago I found messages between my “D”H and one of his colleagues which made it very clear they were having a sexual relationship.

We have a DS (1) and I have not long returned to work after a year on maternity leave, and to say I was shocked and devastated is an understatement.

I knew something wasn’t right - we hadn’t been getting on well due to very stressful living circumstances and just the daily juggle of two parents working full time with a young child, but I never thought he would do this to us.

He claims it didn’t mean anything (despite “I love yous” being exchanged) and that it was just for attention - what a cliche.

I don’t know what to do - I feel so numb it’s almost like I don’t care. He went into the office on Thursday and I just didn’t even care that she would be there or that he might see her.

Is this over? Should it be over? He is desperately sorry and keeps apologising and wants to make it right but I just don’t know if I can really move on from it.

@sludgefactory I am so sorry you are going through this. Something very similar happened to me last summer except i was pregnant with our second. The OW also knew and seemed to think he was the prize to be won. She is absolute scum, as are most of these women.

I really do recommend telling your friends and family. I also felt shame but it has helped massively, not even for me to talk about it but just to know I can if I want and I can also be around people and not have to pretend.

Everyone is right, he is sorry he got caught and it would still be going on if he hadn't got caught. He also would never have told you. Its a complete lack of respect for you.

He is hardly a prize omg. Why, its just like she wants your life and can't form a solid relationships without stealing someone else's happiness. Do they work closely. I would be fuming with your husband for putting you through all this. Is she single? Im getting angry for you. Stay strong.

These women tell themselves they are saviours. Your DH will have said his life isn’t great and it’s being with you that’s the issue. She thinks she’s rescuing him. I’ve experienced this. And, yes, men can be appalling and so can other women. The pair of them will just lie to each other and they will see you as fair game. I know I was seen exactly as this because my DH had all the sob stories in the world.

Telling friends about his serial mistresses was interesting. They said they would support us both. As a result I concluded I had no real friends. I felt utterly alone and still do. I’m with him in case you were wondering.

I’m so sorry this happened to you too. And when you were pregnant - I just can’t imagine how you felt when you found out, so so devastating.

According to him it’s only been going on a couple of months. I couldn’t find any evidence to the contrary and since she only joined his company in the summer when our son was 7/8 months old, I have concluded that it can’t have been before he was born or when I was pregnant. Not that that makes it any better.

I think your last two points are the kicker for me - it would still be going on now and he definitely would never have told me.

Also his immediate reaction was so telling - he came straight into the room I was in (after I’d sent him screenshots I’d sent to my phone of their more graphic conversations) to remove the device I had found the evidence on from me. Not to apologise.

You deserve better OP...he's awful

I’ve been on Mumsnet for years and years and I’ve read so many threads on cheating husbands and like so many I thought that could never be me.

It is shocking how many of them do this (and I know women do it too) and think they can get away with it.

I’m so sorry your friends didn’t support you, you must have felt like you lost them and your marriage in one fell swoop.

If you don’t mind me asking, why did you stay? How are things now?

My partner cheated on me, had a ONS (full sex) and I didn’t stop hurting for 3 years. It was physical pain and a horrible sense of discomfort. A further 3 years and I was ‘ok’ and we were in a reasonably good place but I still didn’t feel like myself. A year on from that and I would say I was happy again and felt I could trust him within reason.
So 7 years it took to get back to being happy and I would definitely not recommend it. It would be quicker and less painful to split, recover, move on.

I was just thinking that you were showing extraordinary restraint in not dwelling on the OW, OP, but I'm kind of reassured to see that you're mad at her too. There's this weird angle that, just because an OW isn't the person who has promised you exclusivity or married you, they don't owe you consideration, and are at liberty to blithely sleep with whomever they choose, including married or exclusively partnered spouses. I call bullshit on this 'hot take', and absolutely apportion blame and accountability on any OW or OM who knowingly colludes in causing harm to a partner or spouse by removing their agency and effectively placing them in a non-consensual open relationship. It is cruel, and entirely lacking in empathy. The sooner we dispel the myth if the affair partner being somehow beyond reproach the better.

I'm afraid it doesn't put your DH is a particularly good light that his AP feels it's appropriate within the context of their arrangement to refer to herself in such a demeaning way. The prostitution of women is grim and the fact that she's alluding to this as some sort of 'come on' is so disrespectful of prostituted women.

Honestly OP, if you were in my city in the SW, I'd take you and in for some respite while you figure out how you want to proceed. It must be hell trying to navigate this under the same roof as his parents.

I don’t know much about her other than her age and name. They work together directly sometimes but not that closely (not sure how much I can trust the information I’ve been given though). As far as I am aware she is single, she talked about being on dating apps in their messages.

I am angry too - though I may not seem it on here. ‘D’H definitely knows how furious I am. I’m just trying to keep that under wraps around my son right now as he is my main focus and is also the only thing keeping me from falling apart to be honest.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP you must feel like the bottom has fallen out of your world.
Nobody can tell you what to do, only you can answer that but in my experience they’re only sorry they got caught out. My ex cheated on me, he told me about it as the guilt was apparently eating him up 🙄.
When I finished it he threatened suicide blamed his mental health but it was all a sob story and yes he did it again even after going against my better judgement to take him back.
I finished with him after the second time and I’m happily married to someone else, he’s spent the last 15 years flitting from one relationship to another.
My advice would be to save yourself the heartache and finish it but only you can decide that.

I completely agree with you on all fronts.

That “the OW/OM doesn’t owe you anything” angle is such a cop-out, and I’m really glad you called it out for what it is. Yes, the spouse is the one who made the vows and the promises, but an affair partner who knows someone is married or in an exclusive relationship and still chooses to participate is absolutely colluding in harm. It’s not morally neutral just because they weren’t the one who said “I do.”

If you knowingly expose someone to risks they didn’t agree to, you’re making decisions about their body, their mental health and safety for them. That isn’t “just living your life,” it’s reckless and cruel.

I really appreciate your kindness - I’ll find a solution soon on the living situation. Just one day at a time.

So sorry that your DH has done this. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Don't even consider what you'll do at this point. You are in a position of power. You now have the upper hand.

As you say, you're still in shock. The only thing I will say is that if you do decide to say that's almost giving him the green light to know that you'll forgive him should he do it again. Or even resume the affair which you'll not even be sure of.
The not knowing and loss of trust is something I couldn't cope with but everyone is different.
It's such a shifty thing to do especially with having such a young child. The one benefit being that should you split up your child won't know any different than having a coparenting arrangement and so won't be as affected as would be later down the line. All things to consider.
Thinking of you OP. Stay strong.

@sludgefactory I stayed because I could not face going. He backed out of going. Turns out I was not so bad after all!

Dc were older than yours and we did go to marriage counselling - it wasn’t great though. So maybe I’m a coward? He was high earning and I didn’t see why he should have a better future than the one I would have, He had a very successful business and I did everything else but I spent money on me. That makes me sound transactional and it did come down to my future. I do plenty without him.

The relationship cannot be the same again but we have grown older together, but trust has gone. Our DDs know about their father. Both said they were not surprised! He says he wants to make our marriage work and frankly, I don’t want to be bothered with any other man! I’m also not leaving my house!

You are not a coward. You were put in an impossible situation where neither option feels like the ‘right’ route.

Ultimately I think it’s very brave to leave and forge a life for yourself, but much much braver to stay and face it head on, knowing it may not work.

There’s no cowardice in that.

I’ve been here (with twins after ivf!) and it’s bloody awful. What I still can’t understand nearly a decade later is how he had the headspace to do it when we had so much going on. For me, it was when I should have been able to trust him the most but I see now that this is such a vulnerable time for women/relationships.
My opinion is that the men can’t stomach that they are no longer the primary focus and the OW gets pleasure out of “winning” this “great man.” It’s no surprise that most of the time the OW is younger and/or child free.
what I can say is that right now you are in the fog and eventually that does clear.
Do NOT let anyone else tell you what you should feel. When the fog clears, you’ll absolutely know what you want. You will also, if you’re honest with yourself, see a pattern of behaviour in the past that makes you question whether you have neglected to listen to your instincts.
You know yourself better than anyone and you will be strong enough to figure out your next steps.

He tried to transfer the blame to you by invading his privacy (looking at the device) rather than humbly and contritely being thoroughly ashamed of his betrayal.
His parents’ response (“disappointment”) is pathetic and weak. I’d have made an exception of not getting involved in my ACs’ relationships and wiped the floor with him. Where is this family’s moral compass?
If his parents are anything like us they’ll realise you have the “prize” of a baby. What you determine for your future, which is entirely in your hands, will seriously affect their lives, their son’s and the baby’s. If this sounds threatening I don’t give a damn especially after what he’s done to you.
Remember that OP.

Of course it's over, HE CHEATED. I hope you don't stay, OP. Take your son and hand this clown the divorce papers.

Also, this saying has yet to be disproven and your clown of a husband isn't going to be the one to do it: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

ALSO (so many also's😆), this has NO REFLECTION on you, whatsoever. You will be fine. It might not seem like it right now, obviously, but you and your baby will be 100% okay. Just don't give husband another shot. Otherwise, you will be hurt again.

I am so sorry, but you will come out of this with your head held up high. He has made his bed on a sinking ship. Let him drown.

(I DESPISE CHEATERS)

The only thing he's sorry about is getting caught. Personally I think he'd do it again if you forgave him, then you'd have wasted all that time that you could have spent with someone who loves and cherishes you properly. Stay calm, get your ducks in a row and prepare to consult a divorce lawyer

I’m sorry to read your post OP. I was in your shoes 12 years ago when our DC was 5 months old and I found out that ‘dh’ was cheating. Thankfully he moved out to be with OW, of course it was all my fault.

A month later I filed for divorce, 6 months on it was granted. Shortly after he came running back. OW had dumped him and was seeing another married man with two young children. Sadly a pattern she still follows to this day.

Anyway I didn’t take hin back and I’m better for it. I knew I could never trust him again and didn’t want to be constantly wondering what he was up to. It would have destroyed me.

You are in shock and living with his parents must be so tough at this time. Don’t rush to any decision, take time to process and put yourself first. Whether you stay or go it won’t be easy. Friends were a huge source of support so please tell them, true friends will understand.

I wish you well.

“He claims it didn’t mean anything (despite “I love yous” being exchanged) and that it was just for attention - what a cliche.”

Not RTFT but it particularly disgusts me when men say this. There are several responses to this: the first and most important is that it is for you to decide whether or not it means anything, not him. He doesn’t get to cheat on you and decide it is meaningless. That’s for you to decide. Second, if it didn’t mean anything then that must mean he values you at less than zero because he was willing to break his vows to you and sleep with another woman despite it meaning nothing. So he is telling you that you mean even less than nothing to him. Third, it’s a lie. In the moment, it meant something because God knows if it had meant nothing he could have walked away. Fourth, he’s a deceitful sleaze who will tell a colleague he loves her to get his end away when apparently she means nothing.

He’s pathetic. He’s got a 1 year old at home but sticks his cock in another woman because he’s not getting enough attention from the mother of his baby. Becoming a father really sorts the men from the boys. Sadly, your husband has shown himself to be a selfish little manchild. If he can cheat on you when you have a tiny child at home, he can cheat on you at any time. I really doubt there is any way back from this.

He's a piece of dirt. I wouldn't even consider staying with him.

Nah fuck that. I’ve never bought into this nonsense that you can’t hate both of them for what they’ve done. You hate on her if you need to. They both sound fucking awful.

You don’t get over it. I stayed, and am now 4 years on, mainly for financial reasons but also because I didn’t want to bring my children up alone. He is remorseful. I’ll never forget. Day to day we are fine, but I will always know he did that so my respect for him is low.

This scenario unfolded at my work. Utter arsehole of a guy with two very small children started having an affair with a younger colleague. He was the worst and she was like a dog on heat around him. I had two small children myself at the time and thought they were a pair of fucking animals. His wife found out and it stopped for a while but it soon started back up again. His wife has taken him back. I personally don’t understand how she can look at his stupid smarmy face.

The relationship is over @sludgefactory . You can stay with him but you can never trust him again. And without trust you have nothing to build on. Let him go to his whore as she so eloquently put it while you make plans for your future with your dc. And do tell friends and family. You will need their love and support. 💐