I want to stop claiming CB but DH doesn't want me to - am I being unfair?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I earn over the high income threshold for CB, which means we - well, I - need to pay it all back each year.

I am the sole earner so this basically creates a situation where I have a bonus £3k bill at the end of every year. We manage it but it is stressful as our mortgage has gone up recently plus obviously cost of living. Frankly I had rather just not claim it at all.

DH wants me to because he says if I do, I can then transfer the NI credits and they can help him with his pension in future. But I think I can stay registered for CB, get the credits, but not receive the payments and therefore avoid having that big bill.

For context - dh and I have a lot of issues and I think it is likely we will split at some point. Also, now I am sole earner, our financial margins are really tight. We cover a big mortgage, have no debt, provide activities for the kids, and save a little each month. But it's also rigidly budgeted and a big shock like one of the cars getting written off, or a couple of expensive house problems, would really hurt us.

Am I wrong/ unfair?

I haven’t seen any other threads about this, but that’s irrelevant. The OP has told her husband she’s struggling to repay the money, he’s taking it still and spending it. Would you honestly think it’s ok for your partner to take money you’re not entitled to as a family, spend it, and then make you repay it? Of course the OP’s situation is financial abuse. She can’t afford to repay it easily and she’s told him so, yet he’s still doing it (quite why when it’s in her name and she could stop it I don’t know!!).

Also you’ve called it ‘tax’ which is fine but you do realise the OP means all of the cb has to be repaid? If they receive £3000, then when she pays her tax bill she has to repay £3000… sorry if you do realise, I just wanted to check.

Abuse doesn’t need to be intentional. His behaviour affects you the same way, whether he intends it to be abusive or not. Impact negates intent.

Oh heck, here I go again ......sorry ....... this post and a couple of others about resisting change .....he sounds like he might be neurodivergent.

@Imdunfer yes I think so. He will not seek a diagnosis or make any kinds of adaptations though, like he has massive trouble organising himself but refuses to use a planner / diary / organising app or other any aide..

So not much to be done with it sadly

Are you claiming marriage tax allowance this will give you some of his tax allowance so you can pay less tax and depending on how much over the threshold you are for cb you could pay more in to your pension to bring you under the threshold and you keep the child benefit

Bloody hell just close your claim what can he do ? If he wants the credits he claims himself plain and simple

Why wouldn't you make financial decisions on your own you're the only one earning its your money to make decisions on.

Wow

pretty sure that’s never the case on here when it’s a ma who’s the sole earner

The CB threshold has changed for the 24/25 tax year. Before, it started to taper above £50k. Now it's £60k. There's a £20k taper so if you earn £60k - £80k, you'll get to keep some of it. Obviously, if you're closer to the £80k you might decide it's just not worth it.

I just don't see marriage like that. DH and I have problems but we are a family and financial unit. I would only consider making unilateral decisions if for example he had a gambling addiction or something - thankfully that is one problem we don't have!

He's an idiot. CB is the most minimal amount of admin ever. Switch it to his name. He'll get one letter now and another at age of top kid turning 16. If it gets more complicated than that just get him to hand the letters to you to read and sort out.
No arguments just tell him it's done. He's clearly a child so you don't need to ask his permission 🤣 No person in their right mind would pay out £3k every year to save themselves a read of a letter from the government.

I claim the child benefit for NI contributions and put it into an account every month so it’s there to be sent back on our tax returns. To be honest, I didn’t know you could select not to receive but it’s no issue to save and then return. Not a lot of money obviously but it is better off in my bank earning the interest than the government- especially over the last few years when some saving accounts were actually quite nice.
One year my husband stopped working for a bit to start a new business so we didn't need to pay it back - glad I’d claimed it as I didn’t know that was the plan at the start of the tax year so it was a useful savings pot.

That does sound very ADHD and some other bits about change suggest ASD too. I'm sorry to hear that, it's difficult for a partner. Joking partly obviously but as a fellow ADHD person, legal stimulants help a lot. Lots of strong coffee, amino acids (high meat diet) and there's a sports supplement called alcar which is a mitochondrial stimulant and anxiolytic (reduces stress) which he could possibly be persuaded to try, on the basis it did wonders for Mo Salah? Sorry, I know you didn't ask for help to medicate him!

It’s family money and a family decision. Being the sole earner doesn’t mean you can just make all financial decisions without discussion

I read your post and some early replies but I’ve now had time to read your updates. Sorry to hear there’s clearly far more at play here unfortunately than just the child benefit.

I lived with an undiagnosed ADHDer for many years and it’s not easy and impacts all aspects of your life. I’d stop focusing on each individual battle and try and see if the cause can be dealt with or you’ll never be sane!

You coukd keep it. Put it straight in to premium bonds and sell them to pay back?

That's incredibly kind of you. He cannot have caffeine at all for medical reasons and he "doesn't believe in" supplements. He is actually a very healthy person and cooks from scratch, eats moderately, and largely vegan. If I told him to change his diet, he would say - justifiably - that he eats better than 95% of the population.

This. If he's that fussed he can do it himself

Oh damn, he's got a bad diet for someone with ADHD. It's a shame about the caffeine because coffee is so easy and so normal. I'm guessing that other stimulants would be a no too. But it's pretty clear how much amino acids help a lot of people with ADHD (I take two, alcar and theanine. I used to take another but it's bad news for rheumatoid arthritis) and the easiest way to get them is a good steak! His vegan diet is likely making ADHD a whole lot worse, sadly. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate managing him, I hope you have some support yourself.

It honestly really isn't that simple for someone with someone ADHD. I know it sounds pathetic, but it really isn't easy to get to grips with life admin. What would probably happen is that he wouldn't do it, he wouldn't get his pension credit, and both he and the OP would end up poorer in retirement.

Di

If he’s not earning he can claim CB and nobody needs to pay it back.

Cool. So it has to be done the complicated and backwards way then. Just because he wants it that way?! I had better tell my husband that my neurodiversity means we always have to do things my way, even if it’s the least efficient way and impacts on my husband more!

The higher earner woukd need to pay it back regardless of who claims it

DH solution if we have cashflow issues is to stop contributing to our retirement savings acct or to the children's savings. I don't think that's okay.

I do not have a spare £200-250 a month to save to cover the tax bill if he keeps the money.

he randomly announced he had a £900 credit card bill, so basically he had spent the CB plus about £700. Of course he needs personal spending money but we just do not have hundreds of pounds spare a month, we just don't. So we had to take money out of savings for that. [...]
I am responsible for my family's financial wellbeing I find dealing with him really stressful. He of course has access to our joint acct and it will often go OD because he just doesn't check how much is in there before he spends.

The issue is that you and he are fundamentally incompatible when it come to money. He is a spender, you are a saver.

How much are you putting into retirement savings (I assume not a pension, just a savings account) and the children's savings? If it is more than £250 a month, you DO have the money to pay the CB back, you would just rather put it into savings. He would rather spend it all now.

If you are going to stay together for more than about a year, then I suggest re-organising finances. The joint account becomes strictly for household and child costs only. You each have a personal current account, into which you each have "personal spending" money each month. This is for things like adult clothes, personal tech, hobbies, coffees and other treats, etc.
But it may not work if he is not on board - either he will just use the joint account for personal spends which breaks the system, or he will take his personal current account overdrawn and continue racking up credit card debt.

If you cannot both get on the same page with money, then divorce is inevitable and may come as a huge relief to you.