Advice please - husband left me

[SharpBluePoster]

Hello. Never posted here before but hoping for practical advice. My husband left me quite unexpectedly this afternoon, saying he’s not happy although I think it’s an affair with a girl from his gym. Barely took anything with him. We agreed I would stay in the house and keep the dogs. We have no children. I want him to move out all of his stuff urgently and then change the locks and just move on with my life. I suppose it’s wrong for me to change the locks now? Any advice I should know about with a situation like this? Want to protect myself legally etc. I could afford to buy him out. Thank you

So this is an owned house? Both names on the deeds and mortgage?

Get divorced, the house needs to be legally divided up but you could agree with him that he moves out immediately and you pay the mortgage whilst divorce is going through.

You could change the locks but legally its his house too so he could break in.

yes, should have said. We are both on mortgage and deeds.

as PP says as a co-owner he has a legal right to access the property
your Options really are to sell and split what’s left of look to buy him out of the mortgage via a divorce

Thank you. I hope he doesn’t keep turning up to get things and see dogs, just want him gone for good.

If you are co-owners, you can't stop his access to the property. You need to see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings ASAP. You can offer to buy him out of the property and hopefully he'll leave and arrange to collect his stuff sooner rather than later.

If you have any joint accounts /savings put an immediate freeze on them. Before you do that though take out a sum of money to see you through a couple of weeks. If you haven't got a solo account open one. You only agree to take equal amounts out of joints. Bank will enforce this.

We have one joint account for house expenses. Within 5 minutes of him leaving I cleared it out into my own account as I will be paying for things on my own from now on.

I am also paranoid to leave the house in case he comes round and changes the locks. I have no reason to think he would but I like to prepare for worst case scenarios. If that happened I guess I will just break in.

Well done. Keep a note from now on of anything that needs to be done to the house eg repairs, services etc as he should pay for half of those if he wants value out of the house. When you get house valued get three - ask them to price for a quick sale if you are intending to buy him out.

I know what you mean. Could you get a ring doorbell installed? I used to do the old spy trick of putting paper or something at the door to try to see if it was moved.

Oh yes I definitely need one of those ring doorbells, will do that

Get his stuff bagged up and placed at the front door - label them so he doesn’t have to go looking for things - take the dogs when you go out!

Where has he gone? Do you know? You seem really calm (which is odd?) do you think you might be in shock?
do you want to try to save or resolve? How old are the children? Do you work? How long have you had the house?
can you manage the children / dog / financially?

My DD left the keys in the doors when she was in so ex couldn't just walk in and had a chain put on the doors too. Put his stuff in the garage if you have one? Or drop off at his parents?
You sound very matter of fact, hope you're OK?

He said he went to his dads which I think is true as his dad messaged me to say he was sad about what’s happened. I am calm but also shocked. Haven’t cried yet. I was very happy and would like to resolve if he wasn’t having an affair but I think he is. He however seemed pretty certain it was over and there is no way I would ever beg for him back. He did say as he was leaving “you’re being very strong about this” in a surprised tone. He always underestimates me!

Yes I work in a high paying job so will be fine. I need to keep my concentration at work though, if I let things slip it won’t be tolerated for long. I am already stressing about that.

We have lived in this house 8 years. I can manage everything financially. We don’t have any children. I am 42 and have had hysterectomy in July, which may have been part of the problem as my sex drive fell off a cliff.

I will have to get dog sitters 3 days a week when I am in the office which just makes me feel sad for the dogs is all. My husband works from home and suggested he has them 3 days a week and looked quite shocked when I said absolutely not. I don’t want to be seeing him to do dog handovers. I don’t want to see him at all if he doesn’t want to be with me.

Good for you -just make sure you’re not throwing the baby out with the bath water.

how were things prior to this?

Absolutely fine until I got back from seeing friends in France for a few days over new year and since then he has been barely speaking to me. He hasn’t been moody or rude, just extremely quiet. I kept asking what was wrong and he said nothing. Then today I had enough and asked him how much longer he planned to drag this out. Then it all came out about him being unhappy. He wasn’t expecting to leave there and then, he had just bought a baguette for lunch!

He has been going to one of these bloody Hyrox
gyms for a couple of years. It’s recently become his entire personality. He also socialises a lot with the people there, and he never ever socialises. A lot of young women go. They have been on several trips abroad together to compete. I noticed one young girl kept popping up on the People You May Know section on my Facebook a few weeks ago. Only mutual friend was him. Same on Instagram. I jokingly said to him I think some girl from your gym is stalking me on Facebook.

Then today I looked her up and they are no longer following each other on FB or Insta which is really weird if they are just gym friends. He is still following all the other gym girls. So I really do think one of the following:

• they slept together and then had a fall out and are no longer friends
• he said to her that his wife noticed her on FB so suggested they defriend each other, not realising that made them look even more suspicious

My sister agrees with me.

He also went for a 12k run on Saturday and was gone from 9am to 4pm. This is a man who would usually leave the house for the bare minimum time only

I don’t think you can turn him out. He has the legal right to occupy the house until it is sold or you buy him out. Lots of couples have to live together until the divorce is finalised and the house is sold or you buy him out. Some posters are not giving you accurate advice.

From Google AI
AI Overview on the marital house before the divorce has taken place

In the UK, you cannot generally force a married partner to leave the family home upon separation before a divorce, as both spouses have "home rights" to occupy the property, regardless of ownership or tenancy. To force a spouse out, you must obtain a court order, such as an Occupation Order.
Key points under UK law:
Home Rights: If you are married, both spouses have a legal right to live in the matrimonial home. You cannot legally change the locks or force them out without a court order.
Occupation Orders: A court can grant an order that forces one partner to leave or bans them from returning. These are usually only granted in cases of domestic abuse, where a partner is at risk of "significant harm".

So unless you are at risk of significant harm, OP, he has much right to you to live in the marital home.

Surely get the house on the market, toot sweet and split the proceedings as fairly as possible? That way you can start fresh elsewhere.

You need to see a lawyer, OP. I am not sure where you stand in terms of emptying joint bank accounts and transferring the money to your personal account. You will have to declare all accounts when the financial split is decided.

It does not take seven hours to run 12k.

You seem very focused. If you can stay that way see a divorce lawyer asap and get papers drawn up that include you buying him out for the house. Don't expect him to be amicable. Protect things like your pension. My friend's (now ex) dh went after her for half of everything, plus her pension. She earned more, but he was just lazy and had a job with unlimited earning potential in finance. Don't underestimate your husband.

I think the OP is well aware of this.