Advice please - husband left me

[SharpBluePoster]

Hello. Never posted here before but hoping for practical advice. My husband left me quite unexpectedly this afternoon, saying he’s not happy although I think it’s an affair with a girl from his gym. Barely took anything with him. We agreed I would stay in the house and keep the dogs. We have no children. I want him to move out all of his stuff urgently and then change the locks and just move on with my life. I suppose it’s wrong for me to change the locks now? Any advice I should know about with a situation like this? Want to protect myself legally etc. I could afford to buy him out. Thank you

She hasn't 'turned him out', he has left on his own accord.

This is maddening for me to read so I can't imagine how frustrating this is for the op.

OP, I really hope you're ok. It does sound suspicious. Take good care and take things day by day for now.

Op, if he has had an intense affair while you were away at new year, expect the OW to get fed up with him in a few weeks. Then he may find himself dumped and suddenly all the excitement will be gone, and he'll be at his dad's, and suddenly missing all the things that kept you together for 8 years.

Be ready for it. Work out now, what you will do when he comes crawling back saying it was nothing and he made a mistake, because I'll bet the farm it is coming.

I do think that’s what happened and he is such a homebody who loves his creature comforts, he will absolutely hate being at his dad’s. I doubt this young girl will be able to offer him luxurious accommodation. So I am half expecting his return at some point. I really don’t know what to do if that happens.

We’ve lived in this house 8 years but been married 9 and together for 18. 18 years and he didn’t even want to try. That hurt, he just wanted out without even trying.

Remember that hurt, when he tries to crawl back. And remember he is not trying to make your marriage work now that he just wants to get his dick wet elsewhere. He will only "try" making your marriage "work" when the affair hasn't worked out and he's stranded and feeling sorry for himself. Not because he's got respect or love for you (although he will try to convince you otherwise).

Ring cameras are a good suggestion and I would check whether you can legally install bolts (as well as leaving your keys in the lock) so no one can enter when you are in (extra security for you since you now live alone).

Are all the dog things (vet, microchip et c) in your name? If not can you change that?

Consider the least upsetting method for communicating with him where a record can be kept and consider setting that boundary with him.

I echo packing his stuff and putting it in one room.

Sending lots and lots of love xxx

Update:
I decided I was as certain as I could be that he was having an affair. So I left a review on the girls business page (she’s a badminton instructor) to say I thought it was wonderful she had the energy to both play badminton and sleep with other people’s husbands. Petty I know, but I wanted her to know I knew and that was my way of reaching her.

An hour later he comes back to the house and asks me what I think I am doing. He says “people”have been ringing him freaking out about my review.

I asked him again what was going on between him and her and he said nothing. So I asked why they are no longer friends on social media. HIS FACE WAS A PICTURE. I could see the little cogs in his brain whirring away trying to think of a story. Eventually he said that “something nearly happened but didn’t” and so they decided it was best not to be friends anymore. That’s obviously a lie, but one step further to the truth I guess.

I left a load of cardboard boxes for him to pack his things and went out for the day with the dogs. Told him to be done by the time I get back.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Be careful that review is likely to be libel and you could get into trouble, so I would delete the review, you've definitely made your point and people will hear about it.

I did delete it as soon as I knew she’d seen it as the desired effect has been had.

You are just brilliant! I love the way you have handled all of this! Just perfect! Well done, Op! If this happened to me, I'd give anything to have your strength and no nonsense approach.

See a solicitor to start the divorce/house change to your name.
Get 3 estate agents to value the house - make him an offer.
Apply for single person discount on council tax.
Read the water/Gas/electric - Get a final bill and change into your name.
House insurance - check.
Update your will.
Both apply for pension values and change beneficiary name.
Split any moneys in joint account and get his name off the account.

Thank you. I think the adrenaline has got me through until now. I am dreading going home later to find the house cleared of all his things. Then it will hit me I think.

He can turn up any time he feels like it to check on dogs or collect his belongings. Why do you think he brought so little with him? Guessing this is your first marriage. Get a solicitor right now and start the divorce paperwork. Leave your solicitor card on the fridge or somewhere he is very likely to see it when he strolls back in to fetch his hoodie. If he asks just casually say you have started the process and you are hoping it will only take six months. Then walk away from the conversation. If he texts you do not engage. Please. Please do not engage.

Legally you can’t. But it sounds like he has upped and gone and isn’t going to come back so why should he have the control,

Why can’t you change the locks if you want replace the front and back door locks and get a ring doorbell.

My solicitor say I could change the locks (he said he wasn’t coming back) but I would have to give him a key if he asked. He never asked for one.

Email him and say I have changed the locks, I am happy to return all your things, very happy to take on all the bills and buy you out, cctv installed. I hope you can understand that I need some peace and quiet to heal and Dave is happy (or whoever) to drop off your stuff to wherever you have gone just text him the address. I hope this will be amicable. But I hope to understand I can’t have you just coming and going when you feel like it - I need to feel secure in my own home.

Get someone round then to change the locks front and back or ask a friend to come and measure the barrel and pop to B and Q for you - takes less than 5 minutes to change the barrel.

Hope you are okay if you're back at the house now.

I know your adrenaline will crash at some point, so I wanted to say how cleverly you discovered them both and have left NO room for him to hide from his lies.
I salute you. What an incredibly sharp, and clever woman. You WILL be okay. X

I’m so sorry you’re going through this (I’ve been through it myself & it’s horrendous) but can I just say you’re an absolute badass for that review! I wish I’d been like you! Play them at their own sordid shady games

You sound like you are coping very well indeed but you may be wise to speak to a trusted someone as well just for emotional support. I would also get the locks changed. You don’t want him coming and going as he pleases. Good luck to you.

Keep strong. Move on. Enjoy the moment he comes back grovelling (which he will do because of this approach) but don't fall for it. You're worth far more xxx

Do not take him back no matter what he says! Carry on with separation and divorce arrangements.

I think legally you cannot change the locks.

But I don't think there is anything to stop you from swapping the locks on the front and rear doors. That way you've still got the same locks, just on different doors.

You are not denying him access to his property, but I would hope you would be able to arrange a convenient time (to you) for him to come and collect his possessions and maybe see the dogs, rather than him having unfettered access to a house that is no longer, at his choice, his home.

You are very strong and that review was a stroke of genius!

Sorry if I missed this but are the dogs yours? My concern would be that he may seek joint ownership! I rescued my dogs from Dogs Trust and they were rehomed in my name, also registered on their microchips as mine so I would hope I wouldn’t have an issue proving they were mine if my partner and I split.

Jesus. You're incredible! I'm amazed at how calm you appear

You can't change the locks until the property is in your name only
Get a ring Doorbell
Keep keys in all the doors when you're at home
Switch the rooms around/decor around so the house feels different now he's gone
See a solicitor
Don't take him back

Edit - as PP says - clarify ownership of dogs

Thanks. I have to admit it was very satisfying to know she’d read it. She might think twice about the next married man that comes her way.

Yes, both dogs are mine legally. He doesn’t really like the younger one but he is utterly obsessed and in love with our old lady dog, so I hope it really stings that he left her too. It’s weird actually because usually she only cuddles him and the past 2 weeks she kept sitting on my lap and not going near him. I commented on it every evening as it was such strange behaviour for her. It’s like she knew he was withdrawing.

Thank you. My sister came round as soon as it happened and I am with her all day today. I also told my friend, who is married to his best friend. His best friend then text him asking about the affair, so he knows his secret is out now. I also told my FIL. He wouldn’t have expected me to do all of this, he has always underestimated me. His shocked face this morning was absolutely priceless.

I’m sorry to hear your news. This happened to me. He left for his parents, adamant out of the blue we were over. It took me a week to realise he’d moved on so no point asking for us to work through it. 6 months later I discovered he had an affair which is why I think he let me stay in the house, he felt guilty. I stayed in the house and we agreed to sell and go our separate ways. I was pleased to be able to manage the viewings/sale. I always kept the chain on when I was home as whilst he had legal access I didn’t want a surprise visitor. I did pack up all his stuff though and made him collect it. We kept the joint account for the mortgage payment (which he only kept paying his share in the belief if he didn’t he wouldn’t get 50:50 from the proceeds of the sale!) but I closed that account the moment the house was sold and divorce happened soon after with a clean break. Take your time to process, it will take some time.

ps. I’m very happy now and whilst it was tough at the time, I’m glad we split.