Husband wants a divorce.

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I will start with a bit of background context.
my husband suffers with mental health, 2 years ago he came out of work to help with his recovery finding the right medication and awaiting assessments.
I decided to get a promotion at work to help with financial support, so we could maintain our lives.
the pressure that I was under was enormous, I had a sick husband and a new job that I quickly realised I hated, I couldn’t step down as we couldn’t afford it, I was miserable. I couldn’t talk to my husband because I didn’t want to put pressure on him, or make him feel bad.
with his mental health, a bad drinking stage, I found myself feeling so trapped. As miserable as I was at work I lt was my safe place, I had my friends and I found myself throwing myself in to work more and more because it was quiet.
the one thing I didn’t realise is that I started putting my job before my family, my husband felt deserted, like I had just dropped them, him mainly, he says I haven’t been there for him. I tried so hard to explain that I hadn’t, and that I was doing my best for our family, i tried to tell him about how I was feeling but I was consistently shut down.
I would have time off and It was always arguing, so I started to make sure I was busy on my days off. we stopped doing things together. His mental health got so bad that he was unbearable to be around.
I love my husband dearly. And I have tried to make him understand why I was the way I was but again was shut down and he stressed that his mental health was more important and that I should have been there for him. Who was there for me?
last Year my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, it hit me like a truck, I now have to work full time, help care for my dad, and help my husband.
I am worn thin.
just before Christmas, I got in to a bit of a muddle with our rent and we received a letter which he opened and hit the roof. He’s told me his trust in me has gone. And now he wants a divorce and to move out. He is still living here atm, he’s moved in to the spare bedroom, I still do everything for him, we still have sexual relations. But i am utterly shattered. He can not see what I have done for him. I have got to set boundaries but I know I will buckle because I don’t want this, I don’t want to lose my family. I have begged, I’ve promised I will change and be at home more. I have joined the gym so we could do something together but he’s not interested in coming with me, he wants to do it alone. I booked a holiday for us for Christmas and he says he’s not coming. So just me and our son will be going.
he told me the other day to stop trying, to get my own life. He was my life. How can I stop trying when it’s something I can’t let go of, 13 years of my life I have given to him. How can he throw that away? When everything I have done is for him and our family. With everything I have going on in my life how can I be happy? I have stepped down from my position because life is just getting too hard right now. I’m drowning in grief.

He sounds a bully an ungrateful sod. How’s he planning to fund this independent life?

I still do everything for him, we still have sexual relations.

So he thinks you're good for something, the nasty selfish ingrate.

Sounds like he’s doing you a favour and letting you off the hook. He adds nothing to this partnership- run like the wind and enjoy the freedom

I know it hurts but on paper this sounds like a pretty easy one. You’re about to lose some serious dead weight.

I understand what it’s like to feel panicked by the thought of a total life change such as divorce, it’s very scary. You sound like a strong woman who has carried a lot - too much. You may feel you want things to return to the normal but try to keep calm and think … what is best for me and my child? I know this is hard . You can and will build a better life in the future.

I can see both sides tbh. You were pushed to your limit trying to keep everyone afloat but you acknowledge his perspective - you were checked out emotionally. You say your "family" felt this so presumably he wasn't alone in this feeling.

It sounds really really rough. I don't know how you could have given any more if you were this depleted but mental illness isn't a cakewalk either. It's really hard to be the default "strong one" in a relationship, which is kind of the corner you've been painted into, but it's probably also been shit for him trying to recover his mental health with a partner who resents and avoids him.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong here, tbh you both deserve much more. You should be able to be honest with your partner. You should be able to support one another as the need arises; you should be able to expect that support back; you should make one another happy. If you can't can't find that togeyher, or can't find a way back to it, together then you probably do need to go your separate ways.

I know it feels scary but you are soon to be rid of the man who has overloaded you, offered you no support, made unreasonable demands, driven you into a career move you hate, and made you desperately unhappy.

Pack his bag and wave him goodbye. It may take a little time but you will be much happier. You will be able to focus on your dad, your dcs and your own mental health. You will be able to rest and your child will be happier.

Kick him out. He's selfish, emotionally abusive and a drain on you in every way.

My heart goes out to you. You’ve done your best in a high-stress situation. My initial reaction was to say stuff him and tell him to sod off.…
However, has he tried to help himself and get any therapy? Did he do his bit when you were working and keeping the roof over your family’s head? If yes to those, maybe it can be salvaged with some therapy.
But if no then I think you have done your best. You have been providing for your family and dealing with his shit.
it is supposed to be a partnership. Maybe a trial separation might be good for you. Give you a bit of space.
I think there is a better life for you out there.

i agree with billyvoo2 above.

im the meantime stop all washings cooking shopping etc for him and STOP having sex with him. Hes just using you. He can use his hand snd a tissue from now on.

Get the ducks in a row first before he tries to hide any assets you may be unaware he still has. investigate while he thinks your weak and pathetic and too thick to catch him out…

The first summer he was off, he didn’t do a lot tbh, he was drinking a lot, but this has now stopped pretty much, there was nothing worse than coming home from work, weather that he 2pm 6pm or 12 midnight (I work 10 hr shifts) to him drunk, sometimes abusive, to having to do everything at home too. Now he does do the housework, he’s not allowed to do the washing as I am a little OCD with that!
I never said in my opening statement that when he is in the right frame of mind he is the best person ever. although he is quite selfish in the ways of he wouldn’t think to put tea on, or make me feel appreciated. He’s never been interested in my job so never asks, as he believes that’s where our problems started, nearly 4 years ago I got my job after being a SAHM for 6 years and I loved it, I have made some good friends and I have been promoted 3 times in that time. I am good at my job and very respected and I used to enjoy it before I took the management position. I thought it was what I wanted and was happy to step up. But very quickly realised it wasn’t what I wanted and I’m still doing it 2 years later, I have 1 week left and then I will have no stress with work.
my husband has stopped talking to his family because they were so critical of his behaviour which I understand. When he leaves me will he will only have our son to call family.

I could not read and believe what I am reading because I have very little patience for men who claim have mental health issues but are ok raising their dick. Which way is it

Sounds like the trash is about to take itself out

sorry girl, but freedom is staring you in the face - don’t ignore it. Let him go x

in fact I have very little patience for any male idiot

He has received therapy yes, quite intensive at times especially the first year, I still arrange all of his appointments, order & collect his medication. I have suggested therapy for us in the past but he didn’t want it. Basically told me I was the one needing therapy not him, but he wasn’t actually aware at that point that I was seeing the same mental health professional as he was, who kept brilliantly confidential when I attended his meetings with him. It wasn’t till middle of last year I told him, he was then angry because I had kept it a secret but no end of times he told me there was nothing wrong with me.
I suffer with anxiety but I use holistic care reiki sound baths etc instead of medication to treat it, it’s a personal choice and it does work very well for me. Just costs me a fortune every month but is absolutely worth it, where he and others see it as bulls**t.

I get it. You are fearing the unknown. You are are fearing change.

i think you need a good therapist to help you see this is actually a positive and you will have a better life without him

I have always been the strength of my entire family, with my dad I’m leaned on by everyone, my time to break is when I get home and run a bath!
I am not very open with my feelings I don’t like talking about how I am feeling, that was my past boyfriends fault, he tortured me emotionally whenever I spoke about the way I have felt and it has had a very lasting effect.

I am sorry but he is abusing you. Let him go, don’t change and build a life without him.

I think you'll be better off - he sounds utterly pointless

Your husband sucked you dry for the last 2 years with his mental health needs and now when you've got nothing left and even more demands on you, he wants a divorce.

Let him. Get those ducks in order, get copies of everything, and hire a good shark lawyer.

I think leaving your position will be good for your mental health.

You may love him dearly, but he doesn't love you. He's done with your marriage. Take him at his word. Stop doing anything for him, stop having sex with him, he abdicated from being your husband when he told you he wanted a divorce. Tell him to move out if he's so done.

This could possibly be manipulation and emotional abuse to keep you a compliant spouse paying all the bills and doormatting yourself even more to keep him around.

Is there someone else in the picture?

Sorry about your dad.

I know you think it's scary, but you have already proved you can do everything without him. Let him move out - the sooner the better - and I reckon you will actually feel better for it.
And please stop doing everything for him, whether that be organising his appointments or providing sex.

I also need to add that he has worked incredibly hard to get better, he has found sanctuary in the gym.
last year was incredibly difficult for me and my family with my dads diagnosis.
I am at fault for some of it, I acknowledge my mistakes and I have tried carelessly to make amends. But I just get pushed away. Nothing is good enough but he forgets everything he went through involved the rest of us too.

I have questioned if there is someone else, he’s very secretive with his phone, I would never go through it that’s not who I am.

I hadn’t thought of it like that, tbh I’ve been so determined to try and prove I am still the same person and that I still want our marriage I never thought he actually could be laughing at me for being a mug!!!

You have nothing to prove, least of all to him. What's he trying to prove to you?

You haven’t been there for him! How fucking dare he.

The truth is he hasn’t been there for you, he’s used his poor MH as an excuse to become the child you didn’t give birth to. Let him stay in the spare room. I doubt he really wants a divorce because who would be his skivvy and emotional punching bag if he went.

Take this opportunity to disengage from him and for God’s sake, stop sleeping with him.