Husband wants a divorce.

[Natkjdcjw]

I will start with a bit of background context.
my husband suffers with mental health, 2 years ago he came out of work to help with his recovery finding the right medication and awaiting assessments.
I decided to get a promotion at work to help with financial support, so we could maintain our lives.
the pressure that I was under was enormous, I had a sick husband and a new job that I quickly realised I hated, I couldn’t step down as we couldn’t afford it, I was miserable. I couldn’t talk to my husband because I didn’t want to put pressure on him, or make him feel bad.
with his mental health, a bad drinking stage, I found myself feeling so trapped. As miserable as I was at work I lt was my safe place, I had my friends and I found myself throwing myself in to work more and more because it was quiet.
the one thing I didn’t realise is that I started putting my job before my family, my husband felt deserted, like I had just dropped them, him mainly, he says I haven’t been there for him. I tried so hard to explain that I hadn’t, and that I was doing my best for our family, i tried to tell him about how I was feeling but I was consistently shut down.
I would have time off and It was always arguing, so I started to make sure I was busy on my days off. we stopped doing things together. His mental health got so bad that he was unbearable to be around.
I love my husband dearly. And I have tried to make him understand why I was the way I was but again was shut down and he stressed that his mental health was more important and that I should have been there for him. Who was there for me?
last Year my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, it hit me like a truck, I now have to work full time, help care for my dad, and help my husband.
I am worn thin.
just before Christmas, I got in to a bit of a muddle with our rent and we received a letter which he opened and hit the roof. He’s told me his trust in me has gone. And now he wants a divorce and to move out. He is still living here atm, he’s moved in to the spare bedroom, I still do everything for him, we still have sexual relations. But i am utterly shattered. He can not see what I have done for him. I have got to set boundaries but I know I will buckle because I don’t want this, I don’t want to lose my family. I have begged, I’ve promised I will change and be at home more. I have joined the gym so we could do something together but he’s not interested in coming with me, he wants to do it alone. I booked a holiday for us for Christmas and he says he’s not coming. So just me and our son will be going.
he told me the other day to stop trying, to get my own life. He was my life. How can I stop trying when it’s something I can’t let go of, 13 years of my life I have given to him. How can he throw that away? When everything I have done is for him and our family. With everything I have going on in my life how can I be happy? I have stepped down from my position because life is just getting too hard right now. I’m drowning in grief.

I really, truly wish you well for the future. I hope that in time that you will find life a lot more peaceful without your husband and actually, despite the love you have for him at the moment, time and distance will make things clearer and easier. Good luck OP, with this and with looking after your dear old dad. x

Thank you ❤️

@Natkjdcjw

I am going to be harsh here.

Stop. Just STOP. No, don't make some dramatic gesture by handing tossing him your rings. It will mean nothing to him, I guarantee you. And what do you mean by 'it will show him I'm serious'. So what? He's already mentally 'out the door', love. He doesn't care if you're serious or not. Divorce is no fault. Even if you were vehemently against it, you can't stop him. And he may not even care if you actually divorce, he can live as a single man without one.

What you can do is start focusing on yourself. No more 'pick me' behaviour intended to please him or draw him back to you. Stop trying to figure things to do 'together' or how to interest him in you once again. Stop all 'domestic services'. If he wants to be 'single' let him take care of his own laundry, cooking, cleaning up after himself. And FGS stop having sex with him! He is no longer emotionally connected to you, so it means nothing to him other than the physical release it gives. Turn ALL that time and energy towards yourself. First off, see a solicitor. Give them a snapshot of family finances. Find out what divorce may mean to you, especially as he is not working. It's all well and good saying he 'has to' do it but you need to understand that there are times when it is good to control the timings and the narrative by filing first. Don't shoot yourself in the foot by (again) making a gesture that is supposed to 'get to' him. He doesn't care. But you do need to care, you have a future and a child to think of. Get educated as to what divorce may mean to you, especially if he decides to get nasty. Knowledge is power, forewarned is forearmed. Then look to yourself, find out who you are now and what YOU want and need to be happy on your own. Then go get it!

Listen, just because you aren't blabbing all to your son or he's not shoving tissues under the bathroom door whilst you're locked in there sobbing, that doesn't mean that you aren't 'leaning on him' for comfort. My cousin did this, almost unknowingly, and her now adult kids have told her that they resent her having done it and it has affected the dynamics of their adult relationship with her. Your son isn't your 'cuddle buddy' and you shouldn't be asking him to 'stay with you' when you feel upset or lonely. He is your child. Your job is to protect and comfort him. Not the other way round.

So find someone in your life, someone you trust to keep your confidence, and confide in them. Let that person be your shoulder to cry on, your 'soft place to land'. All you need is one person to get started with. Others will follow when you feel strong enough.

I know. I sound mean and awful. But I know whereof I speak. I'm old and I've seen too much of marriages disintegrating, and the resulting 'messes' as well as the triumphs, to speak softly and give false hope. You have sources of strength and resilience inside you that you don't even know you have. So, dry your lovely eyes, take a deep breath, square your shoulders, and move forward.

OP you are a loving, strong woman who has a lot to give but you need to stop pouring your energy into a black hole! Your husband sounds truly awful. I can't understand why you're clinging onto him and what you're actually getting out of this relationship other then being used and emotionally abused.
Use your energy on your lovely son and on sorting out your own life rather then on ungrateful man who brings nothing to the table.

He's sucking the life out of you. If he's offering divorce, perhaps you should grab it with both hands.

Because of his health conditions, he matters, and you don't. Selfish and self indulgent is what he is, while you re exhausted covering all the bases.

I have begged, I’ve promised I will change and be at home more. I have joined the gym so we could do something together but he’s not interested in coming with me, he wants to do it alone. I booked a holiday for us for Christmas and he says he’s not coming. So just me and our son will be going.

This is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever read.

Where is your self respect?!

Of course he doesn’t want you when you have no respect for yourself.

You’ve got your son, a poorly dad, a mum and of course yourself to worry about and yet you’re begging this waste of a space to stay in your life.

Fucking hell OP I would have his bags packed by now!!

Begging will never ever work.
It will only push him further away.

Tell him he needs to go.
You deserve so much better than this.

I agree.

As I was reading your post, I was thinking that you're well rid.

I'm pretty sure you'll feel so much better without him.

💯

Yes, this is what I was about to comment. Seeing the same therapist without them disclosing it to one spouse is hugely unethical. Absolutely unacceptable and I'm not surprised your husband was angry. I hope you both stopped seeing the therapist at that point and found separate therapists of your own.

As for getting your son to sleep in your bed to comfort you when you're sad... just no. Please stop that immediately. You are supposed to comfort your son NOT the other way around.

He was through our gp, he was the only mental health practitioner there at the time.
Thing is I wasn’t there to talk about my husband I was there to get me through a shit time in my life.
he still sees him regularly.

Thank you, clearly I have no self respect! The only self worth I have is of a mother.
i have to find the strength, but I will take on board every comment made tonight and as I read I see that it’s true,
i have to learn to love myself again. I’m trying to figure out when I stopped

Hi OP a cautionary tale. I love my DH. However, he had significant anxiety at work and decided, unilaterally that he would become a stay at home Dad. After the kids were at school. He did look after the children, but did not do much else. He promised to look for work, but did not. Stating if he did return to work, it had to be a job he enjoyed. I still did the majority of housework and all mental load fell to me. Over the years other things changed as well. For many years I did not get a birthday present. He also never arranged for us to go or do anything. It was always me. His argument being that as I earned the money I could pick my own present and decide where we should go.. I earned well and did the majority of the work, but I worked long hours and had to do the housework at weekends.

I have just retired to become his carer. He now has an aggressive form of dementia. I do love him and will look after him until he passes on. However, I will say that as I look back on my life I think I should have left at the point where he decided to opt out of joint responsibility for any part of married life and left me to do all the work. IME it will get worse without you wholly realising it.

The other question I have often asked myself (and I do not know the answer to), is what would happen in reverse? If I had said I have significant anxiety and cannot work outside the house would he have accepted that? Or if it was me that had gone down with dementia, would would he be be taking care of me? I am not wholly sure he would have been. It is hard where someone has poor mental health, but I would think carefully.

Thank you for sharing,
my husband does look after our son, and he does a good job of it. he does the basics around the house. But I generally do it on a Saturday when I have finished shopping etc for my mum and dad.
he doesn’t see the amount I actually do for him. And I have decided that today will be the day I set everything straight, I will sit him down after I have taken our son out and I will be setting myself free. After reading everyone’s thoughts last night I realise what I am missing.
I am missing myself. I have lost myself in the last couple of years. I’m going to get showered and put some damn make up on! Make myself look and feel good, Not for him, not for anyone else. I need to do this for me.
today starts the new chapter in my life.
he’s been quite rude to me this morning which is helping me move forward.

I’m so sorry for you and your lot. You did a great job and deserved better.

i echo women pushing themselves to worry less about grown men and think about their own futures x

Im very happy to hear your last update. Reading through this I don’t know if you can see the extent to which your every action and thought is centred around your husband to the detriment of you and your son.
You said you rent - can you give notice and move with your son elsewhere? Ideally somewhere cheaper (you mention you have a spare room at the moment). He has no intention of going anywhere I assure you. Unless it is to move in with an affair partner. No council will prioritise him when he is securely housed. Moving elsewhere with your child will help counter any attempt from him to present himself as your child’s primary carer too, which is a risk. When you actually insist on separating, I expect him to withdraw his care for your son whilst you work as punishment. Have a plan B for that. Is there any chance you could move to more ‘standard’ hours? Have a look at a benefits calculator on turntous and see what your finances will look like if you are unable to work for a period.
In the meantime, separate emotionally. Act like he does not exist. Grey rock. No cooking for him, no appointment arranging, no ‘how was your day’ etc. When he complains or is rude, just keep asking him when he is moving out.

@Natkjdcjw
You and your son deserve the happiest future together.

Among your posts, you mentioned that "He would like us to be friends".
Oh I'm sure he would 🙄 Even after being a poor excuse for a husband, he wants you to continue investing time, emotional labour and practical support into him.

Please do not do this, he does not deserve your friendship.

Being civil at future collection/drop offs for time with your son is a reasonable limit to set.

Based on your posts, I am not sure your STBXH is capable of even that.

Edited because I reacted strongly to an earlier post by the OP and she has updated since. I didn’t want to be bitch.

You do have self respect, it's just buried under the load of shit he's piled on you. And he's piled it on you to keep you in your place and blind to his 'ways' that so negatively impact you. I had a professor once who used to tell us "Remember that when you're standing shoulder deep in horseshit, there's a pony in there somewhere. So just keep looking for that pony". Well, your 'pony' is reclaiming your 'self', so just grab a shovel and start digging for it. Celebrate yourself, remember times when you were strong. Trust in yourself.

And I think that defining ourselves by our motherhood is not an unusual thing. In fact, I think society expects it of us. The self sacrificing 'goddess mother' who puts her children before herself 24/7 is an archetype the world over. And she is revered for it. But that reverence is also the patriarchy's way of keeping us in our place. If we are so devoted to our children, we won't have time to 'change the world'.

"my husband does look after our son, and he does a good job of it. he does the basics around the house."

This is a big reason to see a solicitor, NOW. You do NOT want the situation where your H (not so dear now) wrongly claims to be the primary parent in order to claim residence of DS and spousal support. But maybe he is primary, I don't know. At any you need to discuss it with a solicitor, because it can have a big impact on your future. Again, knowledge is power.

I wouldn’t say he is the primary carer, I do equally as much, If I’m on lates I will do everything until 3 pm, and then it’s down to him for 3 days. Vice verser if I’m on earlies.
if by chance I’m on a day shift and finish at 6 I come home and do tea.
my new shifts will be much more sustainable with child care he will only have to take him to school 1 day and pick him up 1 day. Then have him all day Sunday like he has for the past 4 years.
I used to rely on my parents a lot, but with my dad’s illness I would never ask them; my little sister is happy to help in the holidays. But I really don’t think he would punish me like that, as it will be hurting our child also.

OP and Bitchcraft, there’s something very cruel about a person who says they want to stay friends with the ex-partner they’ve dumped.

Of course these men want to continue enjoying the pleasure of your company, with the added spice of knowing it’s hurting you because you still love them. They look good, while you suffer the double pain of missing the love you had and having to pretend you feel fine.

To hell with them. I’d simply detach myself as soon as the divorce was complete, and have no more contact except if unavoidable because of DC.

We have been down the beach today and had a brilliant time, I made myself look and feel the best I have in a long time. Looking in the mirror was a little different to the bags I’m used to under my eyes.
he no longer checks in, and I haven’t either. I didn’t allow our child to take his phone so there was no way of him tracking us.
i watched the families walking along the beach and it makes me sad as once upon a time that would be us. But we were happy with it being just the 2 of us today

I will be blocking him once he leaves, I will send one text a month with my days on it so he will know when he is taking or collecting. I do that every month now pop it on my calendar in the kitchen.

“my husband does look after our son, and he does a good job of it. he does the basics around the house."
This is a big reason to see a solicitor, NOW. You do NOT want the situation where your H (not so dear now) wrongly claims to be the primary parent in order to claim residence of DS and spousal support. But maybe he is primary, I don't know. At any you need to discuss it with a solicitor, because it can have a big impact on your future. Again, knowledge is power.

a solicitor will tell her that whilst they should do everything they can to keep it out of court, that going in front of a judge will be the only way the above is “decided”

spousal maintenance isn’t really a thing in situation like this and there is no reason he will get more than 50% child custody but the only way to get that confirmed is in front of a judge.

they’ll be at £50k legal fees to get it that far using a solicitor even if only for the prep and hearings.

seeing a solicitor is, of course, essential. Seeing one to ask specific questions and expecting specific answers is a waste of money.

@Itsmetheflamingo

"seeing a solicitor is, of course, essential. Seeing one to ask specific questions and expecting specific answers is a waste of money."

I respectfully disagree. One of the smartest things I ever did was to see an attorney and ask 'specific' questions and get answers to them before I made a decision on any legal moves. The things she advised me on as far as what I could and couldn't do put me in the best position possible to protect my finances before I filed for a legal separation. There are no children in my situation, and I know that can really complicate things and a wise solicitor will give possibilities but not make promises.

I agree there may not be 'definitive' answers to all questions, but ignorance is NOT bliss when a marriage ends.

I think these are 2 different things- of course you need to see a solicitor but you do need to limit the amount you spend with them.

My first consultation was £360 and they gave me incredible advice- about the process, best way to approach and the potential outcomes, but this is of course fairly standard based on our circumstances.
But they can’t answer the question about custody and maintenance because no matter what the likelihood or chances are, OPs husband can still take it to court. And it’s the cost of that that will kill OP, not the outcome.