Husband wants a divorce.

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I will start with a bit of background context.
my husband suffers with mental health, 2 years ago he came out of work to help with his recovery finding the right medication and awaiting assessments.
I decided to get a promotion at work to help with financial support, so we could maintain our lives.
the pressure that I was under was enormous, I had a sick husband and a new job that I quickly realised I hated, I couldn’t step down as we couldn’t afford it, I was miserable. I couldn’t talk to my husband because I didn’t want to put pressure on him, or make him feel bad.
with his mental health, a bad drinking stage, I found myself feeling so trapped. As miserable as I was at work I lt was my safe place, I had my friends and I found myself throwing myself in to work more and more because it was quiet.
the one thing I didn’t realise is that I started putting my job before my family, my husband felt deserted, like I had just dropped them, him mainly, he says I haven’t been there for him. I tried so hard to explain that I hadn’t, and that I was doing my best for our family, i tried to tell him about how I was feeling but I was consistently shut down.
I would have time off and It was always arguing, so I started to make sure I was busy on my days off. we stopped doing things together. His mental health got so bad that he was unbearable to be around.
I love my husband dearly. And I have tried to make him understand why I was the way I was but again was shut down and he stressed that his mental health was more important and that I should have been there for him. Who was there for me?
last Year my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, it hit me like a truck, I now have to work full time, help care for my dad, and help my husband.
I am worn thin.
just before Christmas, I got in to a bit of a muddle with our rent and we received a letter which he opened and hit the roof. He’s told me his trust in me has gone. And now he wants a divorce and to move out. He is still living here atm, he’s moved in to the spare bedroom, I still do everything for him, we still have sexual relations. But i am utterly shattered. He can not see what I have done for him. I have got to set boundaries but I know I will buckle because I don’t want this, I don’t want to lose my family. I have begged, I’ve promised I will change and be at home more. I have joined the gym so we could do something together but he’s not interested in coming with me, he wants to do it alone. I booked a holiday for us for Christmas and he says he’s not coming. So just me and our son will be going.
he told me the other day to stop trying, to get my own life. He was my life. How can I stop trying when it’s something I can’t let go of, 13 years of my life I have given to him. How can he throw that away? When everything I have done is for him and our family. With everything I have going on in my life how can I be happy? I have stepped down from my position because life is just getting too hard right now. I’m drowning in grief.

Am I reading this correctly? You have given up your job? How will you live?

He’s leaving sorting the divorce to me of course!
but I have told him I’m not doing it.
i am mentally exhausted,
yes it doesn’t do me any good sleeping with him, because the passion is still there and he has said that himself. So I do feel defeated when it’s gone again, for that time I forget the pain I feel, because I feel out connection. Actually seeing / saying the words I realise I’m an idiot for trying to hold on to something that isn’t there anymore!
I will take the advice and I will make a stand tomorrow.
if I give him my rings back he will know I mean it because they are my prised possessions. I will feel naked without them

I’m not giving up my job, I am stepping away from management for a short time in order to help my self and my dad, he is nearing end of life care and I need to support him and my mum.
let me tell you this is only a temporary solution. I may hate my job but I am good at it.

This is why you need a lawyer consult.

Now, I don't know about where you are. But sometimes it can be more favourable to be the first to file.

Shut off any tracking apps you know of.

He's accusing you of cheating? Sounds like a guilty conscience.

This. Stop focusing your energies on your ungrateful manchild of a husband and start pouring them into being a strong mother to your sweet son.

I know from personal experience that you can spend a long time feeling outraged that your so-called partner doesn’t seem to recognise or value the effort you have put into your relationship.

However the real problem is that YOU do not recognise or value the effort you have put into your relationship. If you did, the fact that your husband clearly doesn’t appreciate you would not be a value-judgment that results in you putting even more effort in in an attempt to win his approval, it would be information that would allow you to decide that he is not worthy of your effort.

The rings belong to you. Use them to help fund the divorce it’s only about £600

Do not give your rings back to him. They are yours and yours alone. Sell them or keep them and give them to your DS.

Don't believe any of the shit coming out of his mouth. They will have you believing you are the biggest bitch out. It's all excuses to make themselves feel right and to do what they want.

I wouldn't wait until he gets a council flat - that may take years.
Has he no parents of his own to go stay with? He wants out, he should leave.

OP if he wants the divorce he sorts it, you’ve enough to be going on with right now without that. Stop being his doormat. You pay for everything and he goes to the gym and hoovers - round of applause
for him - what a hero. Seriously his mental illness doesn’t excuse his behaviour - a dickhead is a dick head mentally ill or not. Don’t wait for him to find somewhere else, if he wants out so he goes, now, next week but not whenever the council provides accommodation because you’ll be waiting years and he’ll be benefitting from your income, kindness and care. Stop providing him a hole to ejaculate in. Next time he tries give him a toilet roll and leave. Don’t hug him when he’s sad and don’t engage when he’s mad.

The marriage sounds over and youre clinging onto the dregs. I can guarantee if you split up now, by this time next year you’ll be back here saying why did I not leave sooner? Life is great, I’m happy for the first time in ages.

OP give you and your son a break from this. Go enjoy your life

I couldn’t sell them, there’s no way in hell I could bring myself to do that.
they are mine yes but that would be the only way I could show him I mean it. Because of how much he knows I love them, he had my engagement ring made for me it’s one of a kind.

No he stopped talking to his parents during his worst times of mental health, they were very negative towards him. But his behaviour wasn’t the best at the time. I still have contact with them, they are my son’s grandparents and I will never stop them seeing him.

I doubt he cares Op. he wants the divorce so wouldn’t he be pleased you are on board?

he won’t he a divorce he can’t afford the fees. Just do yourself

move out, inform the landlord and rent another house. It’s so much easier when you rent. He can work out how he gets a council tax himself

I am taking my son on holiday in March, we have lots of days out with friends, he leads a very normal life. I make sure of it. We have done things all together too. But my days off are focused on him, and we love our time together. I need to get it in before high school and he’s too cool to be seen out with mum!

He wouldn’t have a clue where to start, i have done everything for us paper work wise for our entire relationship.
he doesn’t know what bills he would have to pay really lol

Who cares? That’ll be his problem. You won’t live there, you get your name taken off the bills

I'm going through something similar. Almost 20 years together and he had a mental breakdown that lasted around 2 years. I looked after him and did everything for him for 2 years. He started getting a bit better but still very low and wanted to be left alone so I gave him space. He was very difficult to be around so I checked in regularly and supported him but kept a little distant. Then he left one night, saying he is lonely and can't do this anymore. It was and is devastating but after a year it's getting a bit easier. I mean it's still shit because he and our little family were my everything, but at least I have my DC and I've made the effort to spend more time with other women and they've been supportive. I have had moments of joy here and there and actually I quite like living on my own (major introvert here) now that the dust has settled somewhat. I miss him terribly though and annoyingly he still wants to be friends which is great because we get on so well but it's also painful for obvious reasons.

Mine strung me along for a good 6 months saying he hadn't decided anything but did drop the divorce bomb eventually and we're going through the paperwork and practical stuff. I'm looking forward to being done with it all and I will never again put myself in the position where another person could hold so much power over me, my happiness and sanity. Because it's shit when it doesn't work out.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It really sucks. I haven't got any wise words but I've been there. Or I am there still. As you said, your DH was hard to be around so maybe eventually you'll be able to find some peace and joy in your own company. Or at least you'll be able to breathe and just be, without having to carry anyone through life. My STBXH's presence was often very dark and depressing when he was struggling with his MH and I don't miss those times.

Hang in there. It will get easier.

Ah, that's a shame on a few levels and good on you with keeping communication for your son.

I am not an expert in council property but I think single men who already have somewhere to live are at the bottom of a very very long list and he will be living with you for a further....7, 8, 10 years even, if at all if seen to be staying in your family home. It's not fair on you to have him hanging around imo.

If he tells the council about his mental state, that actually may help him jump up the queue a bit.

You should not be begging for this man to stay, he needs to go so that you and your son can have peaceful life.
Your husband is selfish ungrateful sod.

Stop sleeping with him
Stop providing him any semblance of normality for him
Look stoic.
File for divorce.
Stop being a doormat.

Hes and absolutely arsehole causing you all this stress when you are dealing with your dad's illness!!!
I also wonder if there is someone else

My husband has said he wants to stay friends but I don’t think it’s possible, we have always got on so well also, but do I want that as a constant reminder of what we had? How do you really move on from that?
I have already said that when he leaves I will block him and will send through my rota once a week as he will have our son when I am at work.
the pain I feel is unreal, I’m grieving both my marriage and the deterioration of my dad, my heart is empty except for my son. He fills me with joy even when he’s pissed off and had a shitty day at school!
he’s my heart and soul he is the reason I get up every day and push myself to be the best version of myself. He enjoys coming to work with me when I have paperwork to sort, my staff take him around and one of the back door men brought him his own high vis vest so they could take him in to the warehouse to show him what his mum does all the time. He’s proud of me, and he loves hearing them tell him stories of me being a pain in their arse!
I am respected everywhere except my home. And I think he sees that even at his age.

Sounds like he’s cheating with someone at the gym.

he doesn’t want you going along with him.

he’s secretive with his phone.

he’s removed the tracking app

he’s accused you of cheating (guilty conscience)

and now suddenly he wants a divorce.

men don’t leave relationships unless they have somewhere soft to land.

They are his family, and that was one thing I said from the beginning I will never stop him seeing his family. He needs them. And they are good for him.

he is hoping that when he tells them about his mental health that will help.
he has enough evidence to provide.

I go to the same gym just at a different time, he goes early hours of the morning before his friends go to work. I’m friends with one of the trainers there and she is always there from 5, I haven’t asked her to keep check on him but I’ve said I want to know about anything fishy! She says they are usually training when she gets there.
I joined the gym from encouragement from him.
i have been suspicious of him possibly using steroids. I have checked anywhere that I can thing they could be hidden. Because if he was using them from experience I’ve seen people go through he would be out the door quicker than he could say it. I won’t tolerate roid rage!