Husband wants a divorce.

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I will start with a bit of background context.
my husband suffers with mental health, 2 years ago he came out of work to help with his recovery finding the right medication and awaiting assessments.
I decided to get a promotion at work to help with financial support, so we could maintain our lives.
the pressure that I was under was enormous, I had a sick husband and a new job that I quickly realised I hated, I couldn’t step down as we couldn’t afford it, I was miserable. I couldn’t talk to my husband because I didn’t want to put pressure on him, or make him feel bad.
with his mental health, a bad drinking stage, I found myself feeling so trapped. As miserable as I was at work I lt was my safe place, I had my friends and I found myself throwing myself in to work more and more because it was quiet.
the one thing I didn’t realise is that I started putting my job before my family, my husband felt deserted, like I had just dropped them, him mainly, he says I haven’t been there for him. I tried so hard to explain that I hadn’t, and that I was doing my best for our family, i tried to tell him about how I was feeling but I was consistently shut down.
I would have time off and It was always arguing, so I started to make sure I was busy on my days off. we stopped doing things together. His mental health got so bad that he was unbearable to be around.
I love my husband dearly. And I have tried to make him understand why I was the way I was but again was shut down and he stressed that his mental health was more important and that I should have been there for him. Who was there for me?
last Year my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, it hit me like a truck, I now have to work full time, help care for my dad, and help my husband.
I am worn thin.
just before Christmas, I got in to a bit of a muddle with our rent and we received a letter which he opened and hit the roof. He’s told me his trust in me has gone. And now he wants a divorce and to move out. He is still living here atm, he’s moved in to the spare bedroom, I still do everything for him, we still have sexual relations. But i am utterly shattered. He can not see what I have done for him. I have got to set boundaries but I know I will buckle because I don’t want this, I don’t want to lose my family. I have begged, I’ve promised I will change and be at home more. I have joined the gym so we could do something together but he’s not interested in coming with me, he wants to do it alone. I booked a holiday for us for Christmas and he says he’s not coming. So just me and our son will be going.
he told me the other day to stop trying, to get my own life. He was my life. How can I stop trying when it’s something I can’t let go of, 13 years of my life I have given to him. How can he throw that away? When everything I have done is for him and our family. With everything I have going on in my life how can I be happy? I have stepped down from my position because life is just getting too hard right now. I’m drowning in grief.

Honestly! He thinks he can live without me! But the second he steps out the door there’s no going back. I won’t be doing it all.
I just feel so lonely, since he stopped sleeping in our bed I haven’t had a decent nights sleep.
I have asked our son to stay with me a couple of times but he’s 10 he doesn’t want to be doing that. He will do when he knows I’m sad because he has the sweetest soul ever.

@ladycarlotta *it's probably also been shit for him trying to recover his mental health with a partner who resents and avoids him.
I don't think either of you are in the wrong here, tbh you both deserve much more. *

you actually think this abusive arse is a victim in this situation? Op is absolutely doing nothing wrong with resenting him for his behaviour!

Op- my husband shocked me before Christmas to say he wanted a divorce, he also suffered with his mental health and I was blind sided.

It's been hard, but honestly it's for the best and I'm finally starting to feel free.

If someone wants a divorce, you shouldn't fight it, it's just kicking the can down the road.

Step back, no begging, no sex, remove yourself as much as you can, make him miss you.

I absolutely have resented him at times, I would like to see anyone who has been through what we have and not!
he has resented me.
I have avoided conflict, not him. I love being around him 90% of the time. Like I said in another comment he is the best person to be around.
he used to be my safe place, it’s not his fault his MH deteriorated, he could have gotten help faster when I tried to encourage it. But he was a man and said nothing was wrong! I couldn’t force it. He’s not a child I can drag kicking and screaming. I was the one kicking and screaming trying to get him help.

I understand the concept that you can still love someone - I do my last (2nd) husband, as I'm aware he has severe mental health issues relating to abuse as a child, and has tried his best to resolve them to no avail. But no way on God's earth will I tolerate his emotional and verbal abuse, trauma or not. Nor could I try and 'fix' it. We were married all of 3 years when he called me a cunt. That was the first and last time he ever called me any kind of name. My first exH was even worse but in a very different way with absolutely no redeeming features worth breathing over. He used to whisper abuse in my ear, to cover up him having an afford and going through a mid life crisis where he started taking drugs. Anyone who knows me would be surprised I ended up with these two abusive individuals as in public, they are both charming, fun, macho, entertaining and engaging. I'm now the happiest I've ever been living with my dogs and pets alone; I'm at peace, and fortunately managed to navigate the almost impossible round my children and co parent (with 1st on), without them being damaged. Both kids are high achievers and very emotionally stable. No DC with 2nd H but one amazing, kind and caring darling SD whom I am so grateful to have entered life and our family. Life is full of ups and downs, but my life lessons have been proven to be right; children first; and boundaries in all relationships. Good luck OP.

I hope you are ok now?

has he left already? Unfortunately mine has to wait to get a council flat as he can’t afford private renting.
im so soft and a doormat really because I just want to help him.

I'm sorry you're struggling OP but this is completely unacceptable. You should not be using your 10 year old as an emotional crutch, its really damaging.

Unfortunately my husband is quite the abuser when he’s drunk, I recorded him the last time to show him, and that was when he stopped drinking so heavily.
i can’t make him understand the hell we all went through,
my son is a super star, he has been effected by all of it, but I acted quickly and explained to his school what was happening and they arranged for a child’s therapist to see him twice a month so he could express himself, and he could get the right answers from someone outside the family. We all keep in contact regularly and if there are any concerns with him they soon let me know. But at his age he is so grown up. I am so proud of him, as is his dad.

Nothing is good enough because he is sitting in judgement of you. Judgement is a powerful feeling when someone feels inferior. It restores hierarchy, dumps shame, and justifies withdrawal.

Wherever there is inferiority and entitlement there will be resentment, not gratitude. The situation is backwards. It is him who should be proving his worth to you. The more you try to prove your devotion to him the less he will respect you. He should have been on notice when he left his job and thought it was ok to drink all day.

Stop doing anything for him as of today. No managing his appointments, cooking or wife work and definitely no sex. Consider him your ex.

Stop doing anything for him as of today. No managing his appointments, cooking or wife work and definitely no sex. Consider him your ex.
absolutely this, if he’s moved out to the spare room, change your bedroom up, new covers decorations etc!

I am not using him as an emotional crutch, he understands feelings, if he’s upset he knows I’ll go and jump in bed with him and give him a cuddle,
this boy is not doing anything other than being the kindest person. I have taught him feelings, I have spoken to the lady he sees and she sees no harm, I do not off load anything on to him. He’s just a snuggle buddy!

Sounds to me like you have broken yourself trying to look after this awful abusive man and now that he’s had a nice long rest and time to get fit, he’s found some other woman that he’s going to dump you for while gaslighting you about it.

The bright spot that you may not be able to see for another couple of years is that he’s going to become her problem and your life is actually going to improve so much when you don’t have to carry him.

My strongest piece of advice would be to establish extremely strong boundaries with him right from the start and only communicate by text or email about your child and shared care, nothing else. Do not share a single thing about your life with him, and do not ask or attempt to find out anything about his. Evict him from your headspace as fast and thoroughly as possible as he is clearly a manipulative fucker with no sense of personal responsibility.

Where is your son in all this?

He's spent the last 2 years being left alone with a drunk man with mental health issues. Now his parents are sleeping separately and his mum's trying to get him to take dad's place in her bed?

This is an awful upbringing for him! OP you are obviously an incredibly devoted and caring woman but you're focusing all your attention on the wrong person. The one who doesn't deserve you.

I haven’t ever made him feel inferior, I have never once mentioned that I pay everything, I have only asked for a little appreciation for everything that I do. I didn’t think that was much of an ask really.
when he worked full time I always showed appreciation by doing my job as a wife.
I grew up with a very good mum and dad, my mum was at home they fostered once I hit teens my dad always worked hard and she would greet him and kiss him and ask about his day,
i used to do that too, infact is still do, except the kiss that’s been gone along time, and I always initiated it. Even when I came in it was always me go to him.

If you’re not working and a nasty drunk, it must feel pretty good to have someone desperately trying to keep you. He has done a real number on you having you believe he’s some sort of catch.

People who feel unworthy suffer from shame. And the more you do for them the more ashamed they feel and the more contempt you get.

He will not be getting a council house anytime soon which he knows. So his intention is to stay, and extract care from you while resenting you for it. This will end very badly.

And Thejoyofnc is right, you shouldn’t be asking your son to sleep with you.

he wasn’t actually aware at that point that I was seeing the same mental health professional as he was, who kept brilliantly confidential when I attended his meetings with him.

This would be considered extremely unethical where I am. I would have gone nuclear if I found out my therapist was also treating my spouse and there was no disclosure, not that the disclosure would make it ok. That's a really good way to blow up a therapeutic relationship for good. 😮

I have asked our son to stay with me a couple of times but he’s 10 he doesn’t want to be doing that. He will do when he knows I’m sad because he has the sweetest soul ever.

You're using your 10 year old son to soothe your feelings and parentifying him and replacing your husband with your son. That's not healthy, you need to find other ways to soothe your emotional upset. Therapy with a licensed professional who has no connection with any of your family would be a good start.

Has he seen a lawyer or done anything to progress this divorce he said he wants? Is he spending more money or absent at different times? You might think about getting STI tests if there could be a possibility of him cheating.

I have taken the steps to protect my child. Yes he’s been affected by this, but as I said I have provided him with the best support possible for him. I talk to him regularly, we spend a lot of time down the beach just the 2 of us, that is our space. We find solitude in the open air. I have a 25 year old son who would help care for him when we knew my husband had been drinking and they had the best time. They are incredibly close always have been and to my little one he would be having fun without a care in the world.
my son has heard very little arguments. I have protected his childhood to the best of my ability.
we haven’t told him we have separated yet, he just thinks it’s because I don’t sleep and I keep his dad awake. Does he feel the tension absolutely but he still hears us talking to eachother friendly.

I think on your own you will learn how lovely it is to be free of the pressure of him . He also sounds quite critical which will only bring you down . Go and be free and maybe one day find someone who loves abs cares for you and brings things into your life . Get our is my advice

It’s not about what you’re saying or not saying, it’s how he feels about himself.

Please OP, don't blame anything you have done or said. I don't think you could've done much more and at the end of the day, his mental problems were his to sort out and to be honest, he seems to be using it as a weapon against you - entirely and utterly unfair.

As hard as it is, let him go, mentally and physically for your own sanity. Time now is for you, for your dad, not his drama. You must be utterly shattered. Please stop giving him the benefits of your bed too - it will be mucking with your emotions each time he rejects you outside the bedroom. Give yourself some breathing space to get your head clear?
Sending hugs over MN.

urgh still having sex with him is gross- how does that even happen? You have sex then go back to discussing the divorce?

you don’t have to agree to the divorce OP, he can just do it. Interesting that he hasn’t bothered. Have you asked him why?

his mental health must be very poor for him to be unable to work; things will never be straightforward under the circumstances

but know this OP- you have done an amazing job for him. You have been a brilliant wife. Hes been lucky as hell. His loss

Get a divorce and get your child put of this situation.

I read your OP and just felt fucked off at your husband.

GOOD he wants a divorce give him one.

It’s not about you “making” him feel inferior. His behaviour and effort is objectively inferior and he knows it full well without you pointing it out. The problem is that he doesn’t want to feel inferior and he also doesn’t want to step up, so instead he mentally turns it all around and finds false ways to put you down so that he can feel better than you in some way.

He’s lying to both himself and you.

No he has not, because he’s leaving it to me to sort lol! I’m not paying for it when I pay for literally everything else! He wants it so he can sort it! It’s not rocket science!

no he’s very open with the money he has, he is extremely good with money, he becomes very stressed when it goes low. Before he left work he made sure he had a support package to keep him going.
the only time I don’t know about his whereabouts is when I’m at work, when he told me he wanted a divorce he stopped sharing his location.
I left mine on for a short time and it was my friend who said stop doing it so I did and he wasnt happy! He has accused me of cheating many times, I finish work at midnight regularly and one night I couldn’t leave as work wasn’t completed, my work load had gotten bigger so it was harder to get out on time till a new routine was established and didn’t get home till 2am, I had messaged so he wouldn’t worry shared my location my car has an apple tracker on it so if there’s ever an issue I can be found but my whole family. I have to travel for work sometimes.

I feel sorry for your child OP.

Tell your husband that he's right and you should split. He can do his navel gazing elsewhere. Tell him he's to move out. Stop doing shit for him. He's not doing you a favour by being your husband here.

You need to stop thinking you have something to prove. You don't and your kid deserves not to live in this kind of atmosphere.

Tell him to leave.