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Original poster

Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

375 replies

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 18:40

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

OP posts:
zanahoria · 22/01/2026 22:16

Jane143 · 22/01/2026 21:33

Unless you can find a bloke you really fancy it would give you a clear slate for an affair! And nothing he could do about it!

nothing wrong with marking it for future reference

Netcurtainnelly · 22/01/2026 22:18

AnotherSliceOfCakePlease · 22/01/2026 20:25

being cuckolded is a very common fantasy. Often the partner doesn’t want to be there. I know a couple who were into this. I don’t think it means he doesn’t desire you, probably the opposite, the thought of other men desiring you too turns him on. My guess is the threesome with another man is along those lines. I think if everything else in your relationship is good, then it would be incredibly sad to leave because he’s suggested about a fantasy you’re not interested in. He does however need to stop pushing and take no for an answer. If he doesn’t that is a problem. Ask him why he’s into it, hopefully it’ll reassure you that it isn’t that he’s not into you anymore, but then tell him he has to draw a line under it. If he wants to ‘explore’ that fantasy he can use his imagination.

Quickest way to lose your partner is to suggest they sleep around.
What an idiot.

Just be grateful and thankful for what you have instead of always wanting more.

It will never end if you go that way.
You'll need more more to satisfy you.

Woodfiresareamazing · 22/01/2026 22:22

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 19:49

My friends partner is into the same thing. He said he likes the fact that she is wanted by other men and then he kind of has to ‘win her back’. It works for the at least but sounds like you’re not into it!

I just can’t be bothered with this. It’s a pretty big risk. What if I couldn’t be ‘won’ back..? I realise now this little fetish isn’t anything to do with me but I have spent the day ruminating over this and thinking he doesn’t care about our relationship if he’s happy to ‘farm me out’.

Thank you all for helping me to see things more clearly: It’s all about him. He’s turned into a monstrously selfish pervert and now I just need to find out why.

This is the crux of it - that this fetish is nothing to do with you. You never suggested it, and have made it clear every time he has, that you are not interested.

The fact that he continues to talk about it confirms that he's not thinking about your actual experience at all, but about how much he would enjoy hearing about it afterwards.
A conversation is needed to try to ascertain what is prompting this request, and you can then decide how you want to proceed.
Good luck!

Aluna · 22/01/2026 22:25

By the sound of it he wants you to so he can..

Ick doesn’t really cover it.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/01/2026 22:27

ShawnaMacallister · 22/01/2026 20:20

Loads of straight men in the swinging community happily engage in group sex with other men. It's a small community but they definitely exist!

Show quote history

They're not straight.

usedtobeaylis · 22/01/2026 22:31

It sounds like a porn spiral and him lining up for something he's been watching and getting more into.

ChaliceinWonderland · 22/01/2026 22:33

Has he retired and is bored ? He needs a hobby and to be busy volunteering and suchlike. Not watching porn and acting like a dirty old man. How grim for you.

EarthSight · 22/01/2026 22:37

It's going to be one of these -

a) He's developed a thing for being humiliated

b) He's planning to do the same and wants this to be done first so he can justify expecting you to be ok with him doing the same with another woman

c) He's already cheated and wants this to be done first so he can minimise what he's done. Maybe he's even hoping that you'll suddenly love it and encourage him to do the time, thus making him feel slightly less guilty about what he's already done and paving the way for more future encounters for himself

GentleSheep · 22/01/2026 22:40

Well, if you did go ahead then it would mark the beginning of the end of the relationship.

DurinsBane · 22/01/2026 22:42

pimplebum · 22/01/2026 19:11

It’s as fairly standard sexual desire , not everyone asks for it but it’s not too out their

nipple clamps, extreme bondage , feathers any thing small and illegal substances is more concerning

Nipple clamps more extreme than wanting her to sleep with other men? And feathers more extreme?!

Nancylancy · 22/01/2026 22:51

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 19:01

Are there any men on here who can explain? Or women who’d like their partner to do this? I’m no prude but it makes no sense to try to push your partner into somebody else’s arms. I’m all ears when it comes to explanations though!

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread. But came on because it could literally just be something he wants to do to spice up your sex life or experiment with things. It might be a fantasy of his and he is asking if you'll fulfil it. If you don't want to, he should stop asking though.

I am very open minded, and although I am not in an open marriage or even at a stage where I'd do this, me and DH have talked about having sex with others - but more in a way of involving each other, ie. watching, or seeing the other one get turned on by someone else or something different to what we do with each other. We've been together a very long time though and we are both open minded. I wouldn't be against my husband having sex with someone else - but only if it was planned / discussed and I was there / involved as well.

I've also experienced times when DH has had very low self esteem particularly around ED and wanting to last longer, etc. could it be coming from a place of insecurity? Could he be wanting to make sure you are sexually fulfilled?

And finally, my DH absolutely gets off on me enjoying myself! So in a way I can also see why someone might enjoy watching their partner have sex with someone else.

Sunshine1500 · 22/01/2026 22:51

the guy I know that was suggesting this .. turns out he was bisexual and wanted to have sex with men.

TheLilacZebra · 22/01/2026 22:52

My ex was like this. However we are in our 20s. Idk if that makes a difference?

He said he got off on the idea of me being with other men. I never understood it. It made me uncomfortable and he would push and push and push. Any time we had sex he would make me talk about other men.

Fast forward 2 years I am happily broken up and no longer with him.

I will add tread with caution.

I found messages on his phone when pregnant of him messaging other men when he was clearly horny. Telling them he was willing to share me etc. however I believe he might be slightly gay (apologies if this is offensive) and was just looking an excuse to message men. As he was getting off on the idea of “bigger” men.

two years after we split he has continued to message men on these sites claiming to share me, even going as far as posting photos of me.

might seem “innocent” enough now from your husband, but it’s a very dark wormhole if he’s sucked in as much as my ex was.

all the best, I suggest get rid.

pinkypoo8 · 22/01/2026 22:55

And the rest of your relationship is happy? And you think he might be interested in men OMG

SingleUseTeaTowel · 22/01/2026 22:55

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great

oh well just put up with being with a disrespectful low life pervert then. FFS

InSearchOfMartin · 22/01/2026 23:00

TheLilacZebra · 22/01/2026 22:52

My ex was like this. However we are in our 20s. Idk if that makes a difference?

He said he got off on the idea of me being with other men. I never understood it. It made me uncomfortable and he would push and push and push. Any time we had sex he would make me talk about other men.

Fast forward 2 years I am happily broken up and no longer with him.

I will add tread with caution.

I found messages on his phone when pregnant of him messaging other men when he was clearly horny. Telling them he was willing to share me etc. however I believe he might be slightly gay (apologies if this is offensive) and was just looking an excuse to message men. As he was getting off on the idea of “bigger” men.

two years after we split he has continued to message men on these sites claiming to share me, even going as far as posting photos of me.

might seem “innocent” enough now from your husband, but it’s a very dark wormhole if he’s sucked in as much as my ex was.

all the best, I suggest get rid.

You realise he is committing a criminal offence Zebra? Report him to the police.

Illegally18 · 22/01/2026 23:01

sunsetss · 22/01/2026 18:46

Some men like the idea of this. You don't want to do it it so it's an absolute no.

I agree, some men like this.

TheLilacZebra · 22/01/2026 23:03

InSearchOfMartin · 22/01/2026 23:00

You realise he is committing a criminal offence Zebra? Report him to the police.

Show quote history

Unfortunately as much as we think it’s a criminal offence it’s not.

I reported to police and as I am clothed in the pics the police said it’s not illegal and they can’t do anything about it.

He gets men to tell him how beautiful I am so he can do whatever. But then he’s been paying women to tell him how ugly I am. And gets off on them being his mommy.

I have all the proof. Unfortunately family court is stopping me from outing him. But his day will come.

TheLilacZebra · 22/01/2026 23:06

TheLilacZebra · 22/01/2026 23:03

Unfortunately as much as we think it’s a criminal offence it’s not.

I reported to police and as I am clothed in the pics the police said it’s not illegal and they can’t do anything about it.

He gets men to tell him how beautiful I am so he can do whatever. But then he’s been paying women to tell him how ugly I am. And gets off on them being his mommy.

I have all the proof. Unfortunately family court is stopping me from outing him. But his day will come.

Show quote history

But apologies back to my point for the original poster.

your husband has a kink shame. He might even be into men and this is his way of exploring.

he won’t let this go, and he’ll find different means and ways to get what he wants. He’s addicted to this and that won’t go away just because you tell him you’re not into it. I’m sorry to break it to you. I’ve been on your end, I know the extend to which they go for this craving. I’ve felt unsafe, don’t let it happen to you.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/01/2026 23:09

TheLilacZebra · 22/01/2026 22:52

My ex was like this. However we are in our 20s. Idk if that makes a difference?

He said he got off on the idea of me being with other men. I never understood it. It made me uncomfortable and he would push and push and push. Any time we had sex he would make me talk about other men.

Fast forward 2 years I am happily broken up and no longer with him.

I will add tread with caution.

I found messages on his phone when pregnant of him messaging other men when he was clearly horny. Telling them he was willing to share me etc. however I believe he might be slightly gay (apologies if this is offensive) and was just looking an excuse to message men. As he was getting off on the idea of “bigger” men.

two years after we split he has continued to message men on these sites claiming to share me, even going as far as posting photos of me.

might seem “innocent” enough now from your husband, but it’s a very dark wormhole if he’s sucked in as much as my ex was.

all the best, I suggest get rid.

I would get legal advice. 💐

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 23:12

oh well just put up with being with a disrespectful low life pervert then. FFS @SingleUseTeaTowel I’m not ‘putting up with’ anything. I’m trying to understand what might be going on in the mind of my otherwise lovely partner, to enable me to deal with the situation one way or the other. I’m not an idiotic child. Life is not black and white. I’ve been with this man for many years and we have a lot that’s great and that’s worth saving if at all possible.

OP posts:
Cherryicecreamx · 22/01/2026 23:14

I know men get off on watching but if he's not even there, I also struggle to see where they find any "fun" in this idea.
Having said that, isn't there a thing called "hotwifing" where you send your partner out to have sex with other people and then they report back what it was like. I don't get it as such but it seems popular enough to have a name put to it.

OtterlyAstounding · 22/01/2026 23:15

Everything else about your relationship might seem great on the surface level, but I'm willing to bet it's not.

Compatible sexual intimacy is one of the foundational aspects of a relationship, and how he behaves towards you in regards to sex is indicative of how he thinks and feels about you in general as a person.

If he's persistently bringing up something that he knows you don't want to do, insists on framing it as being 'for you' even though he's fully aware it'd be entirely for his own sexual satisfaction, and isn't openly communicating why he wants you to do this...your relationship has serious problems.

He doesn't respect you, he's pushing your boundaries, he's trying to use you without care for your own feelings, and he's lying to you (if only by omission). That's not a good relationship!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/01/2026 23:17

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 23:12

oh well just put up with being with a disrespectful low life pervert then. FFS @SingleUseTeaTowel I’m not ‘putting up with’ anything. I’m trying to understand what might be going on in the mind of my otherwise lovely partner, to enable me to deal with the situation one way or the other. I’m not an idiotic child. Life is not black and white. I’ve been with this man for many years and we have a lot that’s great and that’s worth saving if at all possible.

Edited

You are just asking for heartache.

ThatCyanCat · 22/01/2026 23:19

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 23:12

oh well just put up with being with a disrespectful low life pervert then. FFS @SingleUseTeaTowel I’m not ‘putting up with’ anything. I’m trying to understand what might be going on in the mind of my otherwise lovely partner, to enable me to deal with the situation one way or the other. I’m not an idiotic child. Life is not black and white. I’ve been with this man for many years and we have a lot that’s great and that’s worth saving if at all possible.

Edited

Why does it matter why he wants it? You've said no and if he is a decent person he'll accept that and drop it. If he doesn't then you should drop him. What else do you need?

(I would guess it's about humiliation, yours or his, or because he wants to go with someone else too. What he most definitely is not thinking of is you and your pleasure, whatever old balls he says. This is absolutely about him, it's not mutual experience to share together, it's immersion porn for him and you're the prop. Sexy.)