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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to vent....husband and I got physical violent for the first time

104 replies

user1470043296 · 22/01/2026 08:21

I need to vent, and need to words of wisdom or something.
I'm away on holiday with my husband.
Me-40/ husband-48.
Together 5 years, married nearly 2.
We have fallen out twice already on this holiday and now a third time, it got physically violent and now we are calling tike.on our marriage.
Part of me thinks I'm free...part of me knows I'll need to grieve.
After making up the second time, we head out and have a nice night. I end up dancing with a few girls, he's happy, watching me have a good time.
Then a lady asks he I could get drugs (we were the youngest 2 at the bar, and coz I'm having a good time laughing, dancing etc, I'm assuming that's why she asked me) no was the answer.
I tell my husband coz I thought it was quite funny someone asking me that.
A little while after, he asks me...you haven't taken any drugs have you....God no, is the answer.
Fine carry on having a nice night, husband asks again...are you sure coz your behaving like you have and you was in the toilet for a long time.
I hadn't, and I wasn't in the toilet any longer than having a wee and washing my hands. He keeps pushing it.i don't understand, why, I don't understand why he wouldn't believe me? I genuinely think he's lost the plot at this time. I think I do blow my top then, we'd both had a drink and I'm angry that my own husband will not believe me.
I can't remember the walk home to well, but he says I was shouting and sll dramatic. Yes I probably was.
I remember getting into bed and falling asleep to be woken by him screaming fuck off your vermin, really loud in my face...this was the life out of me.i gather my things and try head to the airport to get an early flight. The airport was closed...Fue...?? I assumed it would be 24/7...the taxi man was lovely. Offered for me to sit in the passenger seat until it was open again. I didn't, I came back to the apartment. It was locked so I bang on the window to wake him up and open the door. He's calling me all the names under the sun. Gets in my face..to which I remember saying get out of my face, your breath stinks. He continues to get in my face...angry swearing pointing, so I stand my ground and make myself as tall and broad as possible. You will not make me back down. Then he pushes me two hands onto the soda, I see red, try and throw a kick at him...but he's top far away and he grabs my foot, then there's scrapping back and forth. At one point I've hit my leg so it bleed on the shin...he holds me down with 2 arms so I can't get up off the bed and bite his arm coz he won't get off me. That's pretty much where it ended.
He plays the card that this was all me, as usual. Even though he was pushing at the drugs thing, and 100% pushed me first which he conveniently things he didn't.
I wish I didn't bite him. But being 5ft, most people can overpower me with strength, and I will fight back in any means possible if im held against my will.

I just don't know what to think or do.
I have adrenaline soaring though me and we have to make the journey back home together now.

We have no kids between us. We haven't even moved in together yet.
But I do have children, and he was going to move in very soon after selling his house.

I hate this side of him...earlier today I said he needed anger management, and he agreed he probably did.

There is also the loveliest side to him, but we seems to be brining the worst out in each other.

I don't think we will reconcile, I'm not sure we should or even can after that.

Any thoughts to put my life into perspective would be helpful.

OP posts:
londongroom · 23/01/2026 18:34

LTB comments when she is also in the wrong always make me laugh and question the sanity of some people's bias

londongroom · 23/01/2026 18:35

StepawayfromtheLindors · 22/01/2026 08:26

Obviously you LTB. You never bring him within a thousand miles of your children and your home.

And she is perfect lol

you read that she was drunk and escalated all this also?

londongroom · 23/01/2026 18:36

user1470043296 · 22/01/2026 09:47

Having 1 long relationship before, father of my 2 kids, and that was a relationship that ended amicably, we rarely argued, but just drifted apart.

This is new territory.

My appalling behaviour which has caused some of my relationship issues, alcohol issues, still loving someone but know I need to stop this relationship here.

Like alot of you say....I sound like an awful person. I totally agree.

Would i be right to assume you had alcohol issues in your last one too?

my ex behaves just like you here "loud, scream, cannot remember much details"

get help

ImperialGoddess · 26/01/2026 20:28

user1470043296 · 23/01/2026 08:03

I wrote this still surged with adrenaline. So the whole night and my writing about it, does sound erratic.
We have fallen out drunk on many times, but this was a new level. Hence the post.
In everyday life...we don't drink every day/ every weekend, we're both kind, generous, respectful people.
I've drank like many since being a teenager and only at the start of the year, had a thought I genuinely think it's changing my personality once I've had a few drinks. That and with my first 18 year relationship I chose not to speak up for myself in situations (nothing dramatic but kept issues down to not rock the boat and kept peace) I've tried always to speak my truth in this relationship, which is absolutely fine sober, but I've realised now when alcohol had changed my personality and I bring some issue up, I do it in an unhealthy way, and doing that also with someone else who is drunk had made things escalate unnecessarily.

I am embarrassed, ashamed of my part in that night. I don't add this for any sympathy, I am generally a person that will try to look at all part of a situation and see things from all sides, hence me asking...is this me?

I have accepted all the brutal comments. Again they allowed me to open my mind to see things from a different POV.

I'm not drinking again, and feel 100% happy with that decision. I will not become a version of myself that doesn't align with my values, ever again. I know I may need help with social situations, but I've already armed up on sober literature and I'm ready to change.

I've spoken to my husband after he also calmed down. He has also said he does not want to drink and that's the first time I've heard him say this. He acknowledges his part and is sorry too.

We're going to have some distance and process things. Before making any further decisions about our marriage.

I didn't marry an awful man, he's kind, thoughtful, supportive, dedicated and loving.

We can both see how inhumane we both behaved and have understood that alcohol has been the cause of this.

Speaking from experience, I would keep your guard up. Sometimes people say things in anger and frustration but often there is underlying reasons for said behavior.

Yes, he's a nice, kind, ect. But so my ex. And then first time he got physical with me, he made a lot of promises and we talked it out. He promised to get a therapist. He even went to his parents for a week to "give me space." I forgave him and we moved on..until the next time it happened. Then the time after that. And it just got worse. After 3 years I left on my birthday after he slammed a door on my face just because I wanted to hang out with my friends instead of his.

I dont know your husband, and its really easy to fall into that trap. Keep an eye on him. See if he holds to that not wanting to drink promise. Maybe he will and I am wrong, but I"d be cautious moving forward.

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