Need to vent....husband and I got physical violent for the first time

[user1470043296]

I need to vent, and need to words of wisdom or something.
I'm away on holiday with my husband.
Me-40/ husband-48.
Together 5 years, married nearly 2.
We have fallen out twice already on this holiday and now a third time, it got physically violent and now we are calling tike.on our marriage.
Part of me thinks I'm free...part of me knows I'll need to grieve.
After making up the second time, we head out and have a nice night. I end up dancing with a few girls, he's happy, watching me have a good time.
Then a lady asks he I could get drugs (we were the youngest 2 at the bar, and coz I'm having a good time laughing, dancing etc, I'm assuming that's why she asked me) no was the answer.
I tell my husband coz I thought it was quite funny someone asking me that.
A little while after, he asks me...you haven't taken any drugs have you....God no, is the answer.
Fine carry on having a nice night, husband asks again...are you sure coz your behaving like you have and you was in the toilet for a long time.
I hadn't, and I wasn't in the toilet any longer than having a wee and washing my hands. He keeps pushing it.i don't understand, why, I don't understand why he wouldn't believe me? I genuinely think he's lost the plot at this time. I think I do blow my top then, we'd both had a drink and I'm angry that my own husband will not believe me.
I can't remember the walk home to well, but he says I was shouting and sll dramatic. Yes I probably was.
I remember getting into bed and falling asleep to be woken by him screaming fuck off your vermin, really loud in my face...this was the life out of me.i gather my things and try head to the airport to get an early flight. The airport was closed...Fue...?? I assumed it would be 24/7...the taxi man was lovely. Offered for me to sit in the passenger seat until it was open again. I didn't, I came back to the apartment. It was locked so I bang on the window to wake him up and open the door. He's calling me all the names under the sun. Gets in my face..to which I remember saying get out of my face, your breath stinks. He continues to get in my face...angry swearing pointing, so I stand my ground and make myself as tall and broad as possible. You will not make me back down. Then he pushes me two hands onto the soda, I see red, try and throw a kick at him...but he's top far away and he grabs my foot, then there's scrapping back and forth. At one point I've hit my leg so it bleed on the shin...he holds me down with 2 arms so I can't get up off the bed and bite his arm coz he won't get off me. That's pretty much where it ended.
He plays the card that this was all me, as usual. Even though he was pushing at the drugs thing, and 100% pushed me first which he conveniently things he didn't.
I wish I didn't bite him. But being 5ft, most people can overpower me with strength, and I will fight back in any means possible if im held against my will.

I just don't know what to think or do.
I have adrenaline soaring though me and we have to make the journey back home together now.

We have no kids between us. We haven't even moved in together yet.
But I do have children, and he was going to move in very soon after selling his house.

I hate this side of him...earlier today I said he needed anger management, and he agreed he probably did.

There is also the loveliest side to him, but we seems to be brining the worst out in each other.

I don't think we will reconcile, I'm not sure we should or even can after that.

Any thoughts to put my life into perspective would be helpful.

'Normal' relationships do not involve screaming and shouting, much less so physical violence. I realised this after my 2nd (abusive) marriage ended. I ended it when I called a cunt, for the first and last time, ever. Nobody deserves to be name called in that manner and if they are, there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship in the first place-ie they don't even like you, less so love you.

You are both at fault, whoever is worse is irrelevant.

Get away from him. Start divorce proceedings. Focus on yourself and your family. Stop drinking and find your happiness on your own - seek help with alcohol if necessary.

That may all look over simplistic but it is the only way.

If by some miraculous turn of events he does the same you could potentially reconcile in a few years and start a different relationship. But for now you need to be apart and not in touch.

Red Flag!! My ex was an abusive, controlling, manipulative POS. If you make yourself big and threatening, they will raise that bar. He is setting that bar and it'll only get worst from there. Everything you said is a red flag and is setting you up for your future with him. His way of gaslighting you is him saying he is probably cheating on you by finding something to be angry with you and blame you for the problem.

Get what you need and WALK. Don't go back. Leave leave leave.

This sounds like a result of drink. What’s the relationship like usually?

I will get slated for this but I remember during a particularly stressful period of life Dh and I ended up getting physical with each other. Both equally at fault, both equally mortified the next day. Drink was involved as well. It was absolutely vile behaviour from us both but it was thankfully a one off and has never happened again. We have a good relationship but that one night was just a perfect storm of stress, sleep deprivation, booze and we lost it. It wasn’t reflective of our whole relationship.

What’s the marriage like otherwise? I’m not saying you should ignore this. It’s very worrying that this happened. Haven’t RTFT but has anything like this happened before? Are you both remorseful?

This is not the first time and then the make up and do it again!

@user1470043296 -
“Yes this drinking and falling out is a common event lately. We both do it, make up and promise not to again. But then we do again.”

If they are drinking and physically fighting on a regular basis then yes it needs to end. However the title says ‘for the first time’.

I would be very skeptical of what he says you did. An ex of mine used to frequently say "can't you remember?" and other stuff like that about my supposed behaviour when drunk. Then he did it when I was sober. It's all about control.

It may be that you do drink, but so would I if left to communicate with someone who screams vile insults in my face and acts so aggressively that I am forced to respond in a manner unlike my character.

What a sorry character he is.

Both in the wrong. Try both of you not having a drink for the rest of the holiday.

I think this thread has exposed to OP, that she has to take responsibility for her drinking. She came on with the account of DA, which stands.

Alcohol abuse is a separate issue, which I don’t think OPs original post was meant to address but, she was so drunk she can’t even remember what happened. That is a clear sign that she is abusing alcohol, the thread developed from the awful incident to OP acknowledging that she needs to address her relationship with alcohol.

OP, were you aware that you had issues with alcohol before this incident, surely!

Totally this. You both sound like nightmares. Imagine having to listen to the pair of you - pissed up fighting. You need to separate, stop drinking and grow up.

And conversely you can see why someone might scream vile insults if they do whay rhe op is doing. Doesn’t make it right, two wrongs never make a right.

Look none of them come out of this looking good and she doesn’t Get a pass as shes female. I very much doubt any of this would have happened if they hadn’t been tanked up.

Many brutal, very unkind replies on this thread. What is the purpose of throwing in your 2p when the same thing has been said, repeatedly? Do people just enjoy being nasty or have they not read even 1/4 of the replies before adding their own pile on?

OP, you’re not an awful person. You’ve handled some very unkind responses quite nicely.

I wrote this still surged with adrenaline. So the whole night and my writing about it, does sound erratic.
We have fallen out drunk on many times, but this was a new level. Hence the post.
In everyday life...we don't drink every day/ every weekend, we're both kind, generous, respectful people.
I've drank like many since being a teenager and only at the start of the year, had a thought I genuinely think it's changing my personality once I've had a few drinks. That and with my first 18 year relationship I chose not to speak up for myself in situations (nothing dramatic but kept issues down to not rock the boat and kept peace) I've tried always to speak my truth in this relationship, which is absolutely fine sober, but I've realised now when alcohol had changed my personality and I bring some issue up, I do it in an unhealthy way, and doing that also with someone else who is drunk had made things escalate unnecessarily.

I am embarrassed, ashamed of my part in that night. I don't add this for any sympathy, I am generally a person that will try to look at all part of a situation and see things from all sides, hence me asking...is this me?

I have accepted all the brutal comments. Again they allowed me to open my mind to see things from a different POV.

I'm not drinking again, and feel 100% happy with that decision. I will not become a version of myself that doesn't align with my values, ever again. I know I may need help with social situations, but I've already armed up on sober literature and I'm ready to change.

I've spoken to my husband after he also calmed down. He has also said he does not want to drink and that's the first time I've heard him say this. He acknowledges his part and is sorry too.

We're going to have some distance and process things. Before making any further decisions about our marriage.

I didn't marry an awful man, he's kind, thoughtful, supportive, dedicated and loving.

We can both see how inhumane we both behaved and have understood that alcohol has been the cause of this.

@user1470043296 alcohol may have been the reason these sides of you slipped out, but they are still behaviours that came from each of you. You need to consider that if there are scenarios where either of you / both of you think it's acceptable to treat one another this way (such as when drunk), that is in you and has potential to come out in other scenarios (even when sober).

Consider whether that's a risk your willing to take, before you put your children into a family with this man. There's a reason his children don't speak to him, and it's likely not all alcohol related.

You're both in your 40s? Sounds like a holiday a couple of teenagers had. And married but not living together? The whole thing sounds toxic.

I feel really sorry for your kids.

Kind men don't scream in their wives faces that they're 'fucking vermin', regardless of how much alcohol they have / haven't consumed.

Oh, come on. You've both been physically abusive to each other. There's no coming back from that, even if it was under the influence of alcohol.

Get a divorce.

Agreed. OP you cannot even consider allowing this man to move in with your children! Jesus Christ. Put them and yourself first and walk away. Alcohol is just an excuse, it’s not the cause. If he can say and do these things drunk he can say and do them sober.

Leave and keep your children safe from this toxic and violent relationship. Any other decision is not only selfish and misguided, but incredibly bad parenting.

It does feel like some people are disappointed your marriage isn’t ending. Ltb is a common theme on here, rather than try to work through it.

i can sense the embrassement in what you’ve posted, the pair of you pissed up in public, someone asking you for drugs, likely as your behaviour made them think you’d taken something, your husband also thinking you’d taken something, for the same reason and immediately understanding why you were asked, the pair of you fighting in the streets, then physically fighting in your room, disturbing other guests, then rushing to the airport likely still pissed and a taxi driver having to deal with it.

i don’t think it’s divorce, and as much as you proclaim you’re not the people you were that night, it’s not your first rodeo of pissed up public fighting, so you are these people. And only you two can change that. If you can’t control your drinking this will happen again, with likely arrest happening next. If you can both control it, then I think it is salveagable.

This! You sound Jeremy Kyle levels of scummy tbh. Have you no consideration for other people around you? Or your kids?

Do not inflict this toxic relationship on your children. There's more to this than alcohol.

Well done on admitting there is a serious alcohol problem OP, that’s the first step. I hope you have support from friends and family to help guide you through this.
In regards to your husband, sadly I do not think you will both be able to tackle your alcohol problems as well as save the marriage. There are children involved and so you need to put them and yourself first.
I cannot speak for your husbands or your sincerity in wanting things to change. I think a lot of people will say anything to try to make amends after something has gone seriously wrong. Only you can change things for the better and it will take a lot of work. I would certainly call a time out on this marriage for now and just focus on yourself. When a couple has toxic bad habits together that cause massive problems, it is incredibly easy to slip back into them. You will not be able to help each other, you are more likely to help each other fall.

I wish you good luck, you can change your path but it will take a lot of work and dedication and there will be times you stumble and perhaps even fall. Just keep getting back up again.
Well done on taking everyone’s criticism on the chin and accepting this relationship (and the alcohol) is a toxic combination.

Did that reply make you feel good about yourself?
Yeah we can all agree that it’s not good behaviour, OP knows this herself. But chipping in with the Jeremy Kyle scummy remarks is unhelpful and cruel. Nobody is infallible, we all fuck up from time to time. Op knows there is an issue and hopefully if they do stay together this will be the wake up call they need.

Tbh your nasty comments don’t paint you in the classy, superior light you’re probably hoping for. Sorry.

And kind women don't scream in their husband's face "No wonder your kids want nothing to do with you, and you and your ex wife deserved each other".

But there we have it 🤷‍♂️