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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to vent....husband and I got physical violent for the first time

104 replies

user1470043296 · 22/01/2026 08:21

I need to vent, and need to words of wisdom or something.
I'm away on holiday with my husband.
Me-40/ husband-48.
Together 5 years, married nearly 2.
We have fallen out twice already on this holiday and now a third time, it got physically violent and now we are calling tike.on our marriage.
Part of me thinks I'm free...part of me knows I'll need to grieve.
After making up the second time, we head out and have a nice night. I end up dancing with a few girls, he's happy, watching me have a good time.
Then a lady asks he I could get drugs (we were the youngest 2 at the bar, and coz I'm having a good time laughing, dancing etc, I'm assuming that's why she asked me) no was the answer.
I tell my husband coz I thought it was quite funny someone asking me that.
A little while after, he asks me...you haven't taken any drugs have you....God no, is the answer.
Fine carry on having a nice night, husband asks again...are you sure coz your behaving like you have and you was in the toilet for a long time.
I hadn't, and I wasn't in the toilet any longer than having a wee and washing my hands. He keeps pushing it.i don't understand, why, I don't understand why he wouldn't believe me? I genuinely think he's lost the plot at this time. I think I do blow my top then, we'd both had a drink and I'm angry that my own husband will not believe me.
I can't remember the walk home to well, but he says I was shouting and sll dramatic. Yes I probably was.
I remember getting into bed and falling asleep to be woken by him screaming fuck off your vermin, really loud in my face...this was the life out of me.i gather my things and try head to the airport to get an early flight. The airport was closed...Fue...?? I assumed it would be 24/7...the taxi man was lovely. Offered for me to sit in the passenger seat until it was open again. I didn't, I came back to the apartment. It was locked so I bang on the window to wake him up and open the door. He's calling me all the names under the sun. Gets in my face..to which I remember saying get out of my face, your breath stinks. He continues to get in my face...angry swearing pointing, so I stand my ground and make myself as tall and broad as possible. You will not make me back down. Then he pushes me two hands onto the soda, I see red, try and throw a kick at him...but he's top far away and he grabs my foot, then there's scrapping back and forth. At one point I've hit my leg so it bleed on the shin...he holds me down with 2 arms so I can't get up off the bed and bite his arm coz he won't get off me. That's pretty much where it ended.
He plays the card that this was all me, as usual. Even though he was pushing at the drugs thing, and 100% pushed me first which he conveniently things he didn't.
I wish I didn't bite him. But being 5ft, most people can overpower me with strength, and I will fight back in any means possible if im held against my will.

I just don't know what to think or do.
I have adrenaline soaring though me and we have to make the journey back home together now.

We have no kids between us. We haven't even moved in together yet.
But I do have children, and he was going to move in very soon after selling his house.

I hate this side of him...earlier today I said he needed anger management, and he agreed he probably did.

There is also the loveliest side to him, but we seems to be brining the worst out in each other.

I don't think we will reconcile, I'm not sure we should or even can after that.

Any thoughts to put my life into perspective would be helpful.

OP posts:
user1470043296 · 22/01/2026 09:14

I do agree with all the comments, and appreciate them.
The drinking has to stop. On a normal day you would not think us capable of this behaviour.
It's beyond awful and chavy and immature.
Honestly people know would not believe I'm like this with my husband. Or him like this with me.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 22/01/2026 09:16

user1470043296 · 22/01/2026 09:14

I do agree with all the comments, and appreciate them.
The drinking has to stop. On a normal day you would not think us capable of this behaviour.
It's beyond awful and chavy and immature.
Honestly people know would not believe I'm like this with my husband. Or him like this with me.

oh i bet they would believe it, dont over estimate how good you are at hiding it.

FiveShelties · 22/01/2026 09:17

Sounds like a cracking holiday and time for you both to grow up.

MNLurker1345 · 22/01/2026 09:25

user1470043296 · 22/01/2026 08:51

Yes this drinking and falling out is a common event lately. We both do it, make up and promise not to again. But then we do again.
I started the year after another fall out saying I know I need to quit alcohol, I had 2 weeks off and failed on this holiday. I think he needs to quit alcohol but he doesn't agree. I have had my own therapy the past few months. After the second falling out this week, I said we should go to couples counselling, he didn't really like the idea but said he's try if we did fall out again. We obviously had and I don't think there's any coming back from it.

Have a caused all of this? Am I mental?

Is this all due to me and my drinking? Is he to blame at all?

You are not mental and the alcohol caused this but you both have to take responsibility for the decisions you have made.

The back and forth blame game indicates that
neither of you is willing to do so. You are both to
blame.

Shouting in each others faces, getting physical should cause you to feel disappointed and upset with yourself. A man that even has the capacity to treat you like this is not a catch. Being in a relationship that has these events is not a place to be. It is over, don’t back down on that.

How old are your children. Be thankful that your DC did not witness this. One day they might!

Aplstrudl · 22/01/2026 09:27

this relationship is over and you absolutely must never let him move in with you

Endofyear · 22/01/2026 09:31

Both of you are equally to blame - the drunken fighting is ridiculous at your ages. Stop drinking and sort yourself out. Get a divorce and try being single and sober. Your children will thank you.

Jumimo · 22/01/2026 09:31

Doesn’t matter who caused it. Terrible behaviour from both of you. Absolutely toxic relationship that you both need to leave.

MNLurker1345 · 22/01/2026 09:37

How old are you by the way. The fact that you were married for 18 years suggests you’re are an older woman.

Forget about your DH, it sounds like you have your own personal bad relationship with alcohol.

pilates · 22/01/2026 09:41

This is a toxic relationship.

Have some time apart- he gets some anger management and you quit the alcohol.

You cannot bring this into your childrens lives.

MNLurker1345 · 22/01/2026 09:41

Sorry you mention your age in OP, I skimmed it. You are too old to be going on like this. The whole night sounds like a nightmare and the holiday sounds like something from Club 18 to 30s.

user1470043296 · 22/01/2026 09:42

I'm 40...
I agree it's only coming to light recently that I indeed have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
It is turning me into something/ someone I do not recognise.

I know what I need to do, and I'm 100% going to quit.

OP posts:
user1470043296 · 22/01/2026 09:47

Having 1 long relationship before, father of my 2 kids, and that was a relationship that ended amicably, we rarely argued, but just drifted apart.

This is new territory.

My appalling behaviour which has caused some of my relationship issues, alcohol issues, still loving someone but know I need to stop this relationship here.

Like alot of you say....I sound like an awful person. I totally agree.

OP posts:
Negroany · 22/01/2026 09:47

MNLurker1345 · 22/01/2026 09:37

How old are you by the way. The fact that you were married for 18 years suggests you’re are an older woman.

Forget about your DH, it sounds like you have your own personal bad relationship with alcohol.

The ages are the third line of her first post.

pilates · 22/01/2026 09:53

Op, you’re not an awful person. You recognise this is not a healthy relationship and want to do something about it. Quite refreshing to read tbh.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 22/01/2026 09:58

Stop drinking and grow the fuck up would be my advice...and call time on this shitshow of a 'relationship'

MNLurker1345 · 22/01/2026 10:00

pilates · 22/01/2026 09:53

Op, you’re not an awful person. You recognise this is not a healthy relationship and want to do something about it. Quite refreshing to read tbh.

I agree with this, you are not an awful person and you are not mental. This is a wake up call! Get home, it is so good that you do not live
with your DH, and take one day at a time.
Contact an organisation about your drinking because leaving your DH and your drinking are separate issues. One won’t necessarily go
away because of the other.

Dandydog84 · 22/01/2026 10:00

Poor kids

HelpMeGetThrough · 22/01/2026 10:22

You both sound like a bloody nightmare to be honest.

Good job you don’t live together, as being next door would be bloody awful.

ruethewhirl · 22/01/2026 10:26

Glad you're taking on feedback about the drinking OP, his behaviour is inexcusable though, regardless of circumstances. Please don't waver on ending this, you're making the right decision. As a pp said, just treat this whole thing as a wake-up call, you'll look back and see it as a positive turning point.

LowdermilkPark · 22/01/2026 10:30

You both sound awful.

You need to separate immediately. And grow up.

Christmasinmecar · 22/01/2026 10:39

DIVORCE YESTERDAY.
No more no less, don't let him move in and thank god there are no kids involved.
Then get your head sorted out before you look for another relationship, it's fine to be single for however long you need and get this toxic aspect out of your life.

ThisWormHasTurned · 22/01/2026 10:41

I’m divorced. I was in an abusive marriage. I’m so glad I got out! If I’m ever asked by someone what happened, including our DD, I will say that he didn’t treat me well (true), that I didn’t want her to grow up in that environment but that I am not blameless in the situation. I’ll say we brought the worst out in each other. I’m not proud of how I behaved. I’m just glad I saw the light and got out when I did.
You need to end this relationship. I slightly disagree with some posters saying ‘It doesn’t matter who started it’. He created a fight over nothing. I’ve been asked if I know where to get drugs from on holiday and I just laughed and said no! Most people would have laughed with you but he created an argument. He laid hands on you first. Called you names. You defended yourself but because of the alcohol you saw red.
End this relationship. Tell him he’s not moving in. Don’t blame him or yourself. Just say you’re not happy and not right for each other and it’s time to move on. Get help with the alcohol. Plan to stay single for a while and get yourself straight. Focus on your DC. You can do this but the TIME IS NOW, once he moves in it would be a hell of a lot more difficult!

Wishimaywishimight · 22/01/2026 10:45

Where's Jeremy Kyle when you need him 🙄

365RubyRed · 22/01/2026 10:47

What a toxic and dysfunctional relationship you have. Immediate separation and plan for divorce. You’re in your 40s and acting like drunk teenagers. I would be embarrassed to know you both.

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 22/01/2026 10:49

I feel really sorry for the people around you, the neighbours to your apartment, you must have been sober when returning from the airport? Yet banging on windows? You would have scared any children in earshot. Shame on both of you for such hideous behaviour.

Get back home, separate from this guy and don’t repeat.

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