I do not care if ds and i are estranged

[PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers]

He is 20.

Has done nothing since getting bad A level results. Did not work for them so it was to be expected. He didn’t work for his GCSEs either but did ok in those.

Refuses to get a job. Any job. Doesn’t see why he should.

Refuses to clean up after himself in the kitchen and boy, he leave a mess. He might deign to wash up a pan he has used once in a while.

Eats vast quantities of food. I mean, he eats 9 eggs per day. I have started hiding food because I can’t afford it and I am sick of having to go to the supermarket all the time.

He sleeps all day. Goes to the gym. Scrolls. Sleeps. Eats. Gym. Scrolls. Shits. Eats. Sleeps.

His father pays for his phone and gym. We are divorced. That’s between them. His father is not helpful. And is actually as helpless as I am in this situation.

Ds has smashed things up when I have said no to lifts in the car somewhere or extra food. I am afraid of what he will smash up next. Perhaps me when I next say no to something he wants.

He now apparently has a gf. I think they are talking about moving in together. I pity the girl but I am not getting involved.

When he moves out or if I move and do not let him come with me (cannot afford to move yet), I really will not want to see him again given the contempt he has shown me and my home. I do not like him at all. He is lazy, violent and entitled.

I have other dcs at school. All doing well. They like him. I don’t interfere in their relationship.

I just don’t want to be a part of his life. I have seen his character. I do not like what I see. I have housed, fed, clothed and educated him for all his life and that is me done after his awful behaviour. I don’t even want to be part of any of his successes knowing what I know about him.

I know people will judge and say oh it’s your parenting failure. My other dcs are fine. Good work ethic. Doing well.

Evil of me? I don’t think so. Overwhelmed and trapped.

I think you have to ask yourself how he turned out like this and take some responsibility.

All the while he is under your roof and you are providing for him he has no reason to change .

@Maidenjourney that’s a far from helpful and incredibly insensitive post.

OP the situation sounds untenable. I think we all question our parenting when our DC are not ‘conforming’ but it isn’t helpful to you right now. Is there any autism/ADHD? Not using those as excuses mind, just curious. I guess you’ve tried setting boundaries etc? Can you speak to him? Discuss? If he has a gf that may be a real positive. If this was a DH/DP people would be saying get rid.

Believe me I understand your predicament, it is not far from a situation I am dealing with at the moment. It is soul destroying. I hear you and feel for you OP.

Seriously @Maidenjourney, you read the OP and that’s your response? It sounds like a complex situation, and the OP sounds like they’re beyond the end of their tether.

@PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers, does he pay you board? How will he be able to afford to move out?

What happens if you don't buy that many eggs?

I think when things have deteriorated to this point the only salvaging is some distance and potentially trying to rebuild the relationship on different terms. Living with someone that abuses you takes a massive toll.

None of us here know who, if anyone, is at fault with how he has turned out.

Can you call the police when he's being violent?

Oh thank you. Yes. I have examined why. I can’t really come up with anything. From babyhood, he was never left to cry. We did lotta of activities together. Good schools. Lots of hugs and affection. He was a raging child until about the age of 12. Would have hysterics over the slightest thing like cleaning his teeth. Getting dressed. I asked the GP for help. CAMHS after ten years of this extreme behaviour. They couldn’t find anything.

And as for taking responsibility, I have provided for him all his life. And still do.

i cant come up with anything else. I have offered him sessions with a psychologist. And a therapist. He went to the psychologist six times and then refused to go. He went to the therapist a couple of times and refused to go.

I have talked to him. He gives me lip service about changing etc.

He has t been abused. He has been encouraged. And at some point when does he take responsibility for himself? We all have to even if we come from abusive homes. Which he doesn’t.

I will next time. I don’t want to be afraid in my own home.

Ah but we do, don’t we? It is always always always the fault of the parents.

People do not understand if they haven't lived it. Always parent blaming and no acknowledgement of outside influences. My daughter was the same with at point some violence but thankfully she has settled and working but leave her room in a state. But I has years of it and my other children turned up okay. At points I would have been so happy never to have seen her again you get to that point. Perhaps with some space you might be able to build some kind of relationship but quoted the above poster to say what kindness.

How did he turn out like that?

that said give him a deadline to change things, either get a job or claim uc (they will expect him to job search full time) if he hasnt done so by xxxx date he’s to go to the council and declare hes homeless. Can he move in with his dad?

Im so sorry OP its just so relentless for you and bad for the other children.
My DS is currently doing a Brooklyn Beckham after Ive bent over backwards for him.
Im sick of it. He's moved out and Ive taken a massive step back. I hope once he moves out you will find some peace.

I'm sure you will say there's 1000 reasons why not but he needs to leave. Probably with his dad, but that's his problem now. He's a man and doesn't want to be a part of your life so call it quits. He may well come round but if not....

I'm very cynical about the way we blame parents in these situations. I suspect that it's because it's a lot cheaper than providing the right sort of support for these young people. I don't think it's always possible for parents to "fix it" even with the best will in the world.

From reading that, I immediately thought “steroids”. I hope I’m wrong but…is his dad paying for those too?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you and his Dad in a good place together?

OP. I also have a DD who is ‘normal’ and doing well in life. Similar upbringing. I say similar because my DS was ‘spoilt’ and I ‘gave in’ over the years. DS has all the moral and life principles. I know they are in there somewhere and hope they will surface.

I have continually questioned my parenting. It is a pointless exercise, really it is. Do not get sucked into it. There are many DC out there with the worst of backgrounds who have embraced life and do well. Rise above any judgement.

Look after yourself

i did feel despair at the lack of help out there with his rages as a child.

You and his dad need to work together on this. Both sit him down and give him a mint to turn this around. Apply for jobs, get a job, stop the awful behaviour, contribute to the household. Use manners and do not threaten or use violence.

If he doesn’t conform to ALL of this he’s out mid February. Gone.

His choice. Both parents should be on board to have chance of this hitting home.

He is abusing you in your own home, OP, you could get the police to remove him if he turns nasty again.

I have asked him to leave. To live with his dad. Get a job. He refuses. He’s bigger than me.

What would you do?

How to physically remove him? We have had the conversation.

if he had a job, I wouldn’t charge him rent saying he could save up. Still not incentive.

Having that intense rage as a child is clearly not “normal”. Despite what CAMHS told you, there is clearly emotional disregulation there.
V sad and stressful for you, not sure what you can do except try to get him out of the house.

You call the police and get him removed. You wait until he’s out and change the locks. He’s bullying you. He’s an adult. Fuck that shit.

Thank you.

As parents we examine our behaviour and possible reasons as to why some dcs turn out like this. I think he is spoiled and expects a lot. He often talks about the inheritance he expects from his grandfather.

I don’t use my other dcs as an example of my ‘excellent’ parenting because each kid is different and their experience of me as a parent is different.

I really just want him to leave and try things out for himself.

I agree. Fuck that shit. Police, locksmith.