I do not care if ds and i are estranged

[PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers]

He is 20.

Has done nothing since getting bad A level results. Did not work for them so it was to be expected. He didn’t work for his GCSEs either but did ok in those.

Refuses to get a job. Any job. Doesn’t see why he should.

Refuses to clean up after himself in the kitchen and boy, he leave a mess. He might deign to wash up a pan he has used once in a while.

Eats vast quantities of food. I mean, he eats 9 eggs per day. I have started hiding food because I can’t afford it and I am sick of having to go to the supermarket all the time.

He sleeps all day. Goes to the gym. Scrolls. Sleeps. Eats. Gym. Scrolls. Shits. Eats. Sleeps.

His father pays for his phone and gym. We are divorced. That’s between them. His father is not helpful. And is actually as helpless as I am in this situation.

Ds has smashed things up when I have said no to lifts in the car somewhere or extra food. I am afraid of what he will smash up next. Perhaps me when I next say no to something he wants.

He now apparently has a gf. I think they are talking about moving in together. I pity the girl but I am not getting involved.

When he moves out or if I move and do not let him come with me (cannot afford to move yet), I really will not want to see him again given the contempt he has shown me and my home. I do not like him at all. He is lazy, violent and entitled.

I have other dcs at school. All doing well. They like him. I don’t interfere in their relationship.

I just don’t want to be a part of his life. I have seen his character. I do not like what I see. I have housed, fed, clothed and educated him for all his life and that is me done after his awful behaviour. I don’t even want to be part of any of his successes knowing what I know about him.

I know people will judge and say oh it’s your parenting failure. My other dcs are fine. Good work ethic. Doing well.

Evil of me? I don’t think so. Overwhelmed and trapped.

I know you said you can't afford to move, but I would work towards that happening as quickly as possible. Then it's time for some tough love - sounds like he needs a wake-up call. I'm sure he won't be happy about it but on well - he's not earned your consideration.

It can be the parents involvement but not always. They have free will,im a big believer of this.
Op im sorry to hear you're going thru this and his behaviour isn't acceptable. I dont understand your contempt for him though I must admit. He is still your child and it sound like you actually hate him. I think as parents we are there to guide them and you can put in consequences without showing him hate or deciding you need to never see him. If he is violent then you need to call the police, this is a consequence to his behaviour. If he doesn't clean up then don't do it for him. Easier said then done but you can still be his mum and let him know his behaviour means he may not be able to live with you anymore as you need to safeguard yourself and the others. He clearly needs therapy and I don't know about turning a blind eye to him moving in with a girl when you know hes violent. Im sorry op but it sounds as if you're just glad he will be someone elses problem which isnt what a parent does. You need to step up and no that doesn't mean letting him do what he wants, its the exact opposite and you need to speak to his father and you both need to work together unfortunately.

I feel for you OP. Your post was so raw and I can see you are at the end of a very very long road.

The way I see it is. Tell him that he has to do three things:

1. Never touch your or your belongings in anger EVER again
2. He needs to get a job by x date
3. He needs to start paying board. £75 a week as a contribution to food and utilities.

If he can do this he can stay.

If he can't or he promises to and then lets you down, you need to change the locks and pack his stuff when he is out. Leave his belongings at his father's house to avoid a physical confrontation.

This would be as much for his benefit as yours. Its an impossible situation and you deserve more.

ETU: autocorrelation fail

Well this is no life for either of you. He can't be happy in this situation. Hopefully he'll start to build a life now he has a girlfriend.

It's so sad OP but what can you do?
My nephew was like this until in the end he became physically abusive to his younger siblings, well he had an episode of psychosis and then he was sectioned under the mental health act.
He's not allowed to return home now.
My sister was struggling for over a decade alone so this was actually a relief for her.
He was 25 when this happened. And his little brothers were only 8 and 12.
Don't let it get to this stage.
My sister also had a massive bruise on her face and her face was so swollen.
I get it that he had a mental health crisis but he didn't dare touch his dad and immediately calmed down when his father came.
So, it makes me think that weak men are always looking for an easy target.
My poor sister that cared for him so much, he resented!
Forget that
Don't be a martyr
And oh
He's no longer aggressive as he's forced to take responsibility now.
I have the theory that without responsibility adults become abusive.

Wow, ever heard of kicking someone when they're down?

The complete lack of compassion some people exhibit on here is astounding.

You know you don't have to post every single thought in your head...most people have what is called a filter, i.e. the ability to think "will this actually help the situation, or might it make it worse....hmm perhaps I shouldn't say it then."

It’s awful isn’t it. OP sounds burnt out and depressed. I think it does make you feel cold towards the source of it - quite reasonably.
I think these people who are so judgemental have never had any difficulties in their life. Or they’re trolling; not sure. Nasty anyway.

Serve him notice, formally in writing. Give him a couple of weeks to sort his shit out.
If he becomes violent then you call the police immediately and get a restraining order. He moves in with his dad or he finds a new home, simple.
You owe it to your existing children to not expose them to this kind of violent, lazy and entitled behaviour and for them to think its the norm.

Kick him out

Sometimes I think posters rush to blame parents of frankly not nice adults so that they can think that will never happen to them. As opposed to, sometimes kids can be nasty, bullying, lazy whatever in spite of their upbringing. I had similar when I posted a very long time ago about my DD being in an abusive relationship. I was told by dozens of posters that it was my fault as DD must have grown up in an abusive household. That was so not the case - she just made a series of shit decisions regarding her then boyfriend.

Op - sounds like a really difficult situation. Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected.

Reported.

FFS, give it a rest.

It does sound like he had/has some issues OP. CAMHS are so often useless unfortunately.
You can tell them what they want to hear too. DSis, who had huge problems with anorexia, convinced her therapist she had absolutely no issues 🙄

Reported this. What a mean, assumption ridden, lacking in empathy response.

Shame on you.

If you haven't experienced this and can't offer a tiny bit of constructive advice or criticism that's not just plain nasty, then tootle off and leave the OP alone.

Her other children are fine. He’s had rages since he was small. It’s likely there is some wiring in his brain that has made him behave differently from his siblings. It’s not always the upbringing, sometimes it’s a brain glitch out of anyone else’s control. He could also be on steroids.

My 2 DS’s were parented exactly the same, but were chalk and cheese, one loved school, never spoke back to me, hated arguing or seeing me upset, my other DS was the complete opposite, arguments that were always my fault, wouldn’t speak for days until I said we should agree to disagree, he hated school, worked with my DH for 2 years which was a disaster. He liked money, so knew he had to work, he lost his first job, of course it wasn’t his fault, he left second job over a disagreement with holiday. We lived quite a few years walking on eggshells, keeping a lid on what we wanted to say to him because we knew it would end up being our fault. Both DS fell out massively in 2020 over Covid rules and barely just acknowledge each other even now. He met his gf in 2021 and last year they bought their first property, we were happy to help with a deposit. We are so happy he doesn’t live here anymore, it’s so much calmer, no kitchen disputes, we know we love him now, but for a few years, we doubted we even liked him. OP I’m sorry you like many people are going through this.

He is TWENTY years old. Not 7.

No one should be scared in their own home. Don’t shop for him, and change the locks. He sounds vile and yes, should take responsibility for his actions. It takes a village to raise a child and there are many other inn fluencies in a child’s life. Look at the influence Tate is having on boys behaviour, not saying yours is by the way, good luck. X

Stop with the asd diagnosis on every other post . It just excuses poor behaviour.
It could equally be the internet/social media that is to blame for his awful attitude and behaviour to his family . And how entitled he is. Its a huge negative influence on children/teens.

I dont think you should feel any guilt about wanting him to move out.

Jog off, you know nothing about me or my family.
You've already posted a really twattish comment up thread which has been reported by someone as well as me.

My DS1 is very similar and you sound like his Dad (we are together). I think my DS's issues are a combination of mild neuro diversity/ SEN (dyslexia, audhd) , his relationship with his Dad (Dad favouritised brother, not obviously but DS1 very sensitive and picked it up) and the siblings he has (very talented academically and every which way). He has very, very low self esteem. Like yours, my other 2 children are fine, doing very well.

Is it possible that if your DS was difficult as a child, that you had a more strained relationship with him than with his siblings? Maybe he took that as you didn't love him as much. Maybe you even subconsciously treated him differently? I really think if my DH could accept some responsibility for the way DS1 is, and work on undoing it, then it will help him to be kinder. That's not to say you don't have boundaries (call police, don't buy him all the food he wants) but you can still love him and treat him kindly.

I'm kind of amazed at these replies
If he was a partner you'd be told you were in am abusive relationship

Presumably he is over 18?

Pre having children myself re: the nature / nurture argument i was firmly in the its 80 nurture. Parents and environment shape children!!!!
But since having kids (and mine are still small! 3 and 1) I really think its mostly nature to a greater extent ypu give what you get amd the best you can do is knock some edges off.
My two are fundamentally different that is very clear and the youngest is only 22m.

Having come from a complicated family. Your best bet imo is a reset... he needs to come back to you (if at all) on your terms. By that I mean if he is over 18 you tell him now while its calm thst he needs tp understand younhave made a decision, next time he kicks off and gets aggressive you will phone the police.
You will change the locks and he will need to live somewhere else.
Then when it inevitably happen You follow through.
when he screams and yells and his father is on the phone to you... you say I cant help you. He needs to present as homeless or ypu need to let him stay. I'm not safe in my home otherwise.
You tell the other kids they can meet him of they want but not in the house. If they let hom in the house there will be heavy consequences. If it happens go in hard no matter what the excuse (he made me! But mum... hysterical tears) ignore it. It wont happen a second time.

You tell him you love him and you are sorry its like this but you dont feel safe and you dont agree with how he is treating you so its best for everyone you have some space.

I think this from @TheBlueKoala bears repeating.

Please ignore posters who have perfectly well-behaved children and think that it's all due to their parenting.

Posters like that are unaware, ignorant really.
That would be okay if they didn’t keep spouting unhelpful nonsense on threads like this.

Posters like the one you are quoting should be "read only" and not allowed to comments on the board (except AIBU, that's a free for all).
Or banned completely.