I do not care if ds and i are estranged

[PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers]

He is 20.

Has done nothing since getting bad A level results. Did not work for them so it was to be expected. He didn’t work for his GCSEs either but did ok in those.

Refuses to get a job. Any job. Doesn’t see why he should.

Refuses to clean up after himself in the kitchen and boy, he leave a mess. He might deign to wash up a pan he has used once in a while.

Eats vast quantities of food. I mean, he eats 9 eggs per day. I have started hiding food because I can’t afford it and I am sick of having to go to the supermarket all the time.

He sleeps all day. Goes to the gym. Scrolls. Sleeps. Eats. Gym. Scrolls. Shits. Eats. Sleeps.

His father pays for his phone and gym. We are divorced. That’s between them. His father is not helpful. And is actually as helpless as I am in this situation.

Ds has smashed things up when I have said no to lifts in the car somewhere or extra food. I am afraid of what he will smash up next. Perhaps me when I next say no to something he wants.

He now apparently has a gf. I think they are talking about moving in together. I pity the girl but I am not getting involved.

When he moves out or if I move and do not let him come with me (cannot afford to move yet), I really will not want to see him again given the contempt he has shown me and my home. I do not like him at all. He is lazy, violent and entitled.

I have other dcs at school. All doing well. They like him. I don’t interfere in their relationship.

I just don’t want to be a part of his life. I have seen his character. I do not like what I see. I have housed, fed, clothed and educated him for all his life and that is me done after his awful behaviour. I don’t even want to be part of any of his successes knowing what I know about him.

I know people will judge and say oh it’s your parenting failure. My other dcs are fine. Good work ethic. Doing well.

Evil of me? I don’t think so. Overwhelmed and trapped.

Quite sad for him based on what exactly?

We co-slept. I fed him on demand. I loved doing classes with him. Signing. Craft etc.

Could you elaborate on why you feel sorry for him? What your conclusions are?

Perhaps I do sound cold. I have had enough.

Would you like a man in your house smashing windows in a rage?

My autistic daughter was hysterical as well with getting her teeth and hair brushed. His rages when he was younger also indicate their is some issue.

I don’t think you sound cold op. I think you sound exhausted, ground down, fed up. I feel so sorry for you. Sadly think there are thousands and thousands of young men just like him out there.

I thought there was. We e et to Gp, CAHMS. They said there was nothing to pursue. I shelled out for a private therapist. She said the same.

It sounds like an awful situation and, from what you've told us, absolutely not your fault/anything to do with the way your son has been raised. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I'm in my 30s so no adult children just yet but my mum is estranged from my brother (well we all are) as frankly he's a psychopath, despite having a good upbringing like me and our siblings. Sometimes there is no reason. I hope you find a solution

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. I’ve been there myself and it’s been ten years since my dc left home to live with their then partner. After years of the rages, laziness and nastiness. We went very low contact through that first couple of years then they started to grow up a lot. They now work, have a lovely home and a young dc of their own. Our relationship will never be perfect (I’m always quite wary) but it’s a hundred times better than it was. I hope things get better for you. Do ring the police if he gets violent, he needs to know you won’t tolerate it xx

Yes. And scared parents.

Seriously? Unless you've been there, you have no idea what this is like to live with. You sound ignorant and judgemental.

I am living with a difficult 20 year old. Tbf on him he has worked but has blown all the money on going out and paying a small amount of rent.
He currently isn't working (has tried to get a job but its slim pickings).
Getting him to do anything is really hard and he shouts if pressed.
At 18 my parents kicked me out, and it was the best thing ever for our relationship. I could be a feckless twat away from them. I grew up and now have a fabulous relationship with them. Its so much harder now as getting a place is almost impossible without a proper job. I managed it doing a bit of cleaning.
We aren't meant to live with our young adults. They are meant to fuck off out of town and go and make their way in the world. We aren't meant to see them being useless, messy lazy idiots.
Not all young adults of course are like this. I have a 19 year old too who is working hard, saved up lots of money and is going to travel then go to uni. So different.

Is your life that unhappy that you have to leave comments like this?

Reported

OP you don't have to justify yourself when someone makes such an unhelpful and quite frankly mean comment. The whole situation sounds totally awful for you.

I also wondered about steroid use.

There’s always at least one twat.

This sounds untenable, OP.

You have to put yourself first here.

Kick him out

It’s a hard one. Can I ask could he be using steroids, (all the eggs and the gym membership). They can cause terrible issues especially anger

That was my first thought.

You'll have to tell him to move out though. You can't live like that.

Any hint of violence - against you, property, smashing things in the house - or threatening, aggressive remarks or behaviour then call the police. Please just do it.
We had to when our autistic daughter was violent and other organizations were useless.
The police were brilliant.
They made referrals and gave all sorts of help and advice. The police will take him away if he's been violent, and advise on how to rid yourself of him permanently.

Good luck - I'm sorry you're going through this 💐

I was going to suggest you refuse to buy any food for him, when he complains you tell him to get a job and buy his own food, but if he is likely to get violent you need to call the police. His dad also needs to step up.

If you are serious about this. I would wait until he goes out and change all the locks - all of them it’s easy B and Q and change all the barrels and I would get a couple of big male friends to stay for a few days . I would bag his stuff up and put it on the doorstep (or someone drops it at his Dad’s house) and tell the police that I have done it and he has somewhere to go - his Dad’s house but he is abusive and has been and you fear an aggressive response and I would get friends round to pack up all his stuff boxes and bubble wrap and drop them on his Dad’s doorstep. I would film the entire thing and send him photos saying what you have that you are scared of him, that he doesn’t work, leeches off you and makes a mess and does not positively impact your lives and you want him gone. I would then text him and say I have been asking for x months to leave and given you fair notice to move and you haven’t. Everything is outside your Dad’s house, Barry and Larry are here and cctv camera are now installed our relationship is over. You are not welcome here. Either get the council to house you or your father as you don’t have a job an don’t contribute and I’m scared of you in my own home.

^^ but this would need careful planning and he could either go quietly or not and you need to be prepared for that eg him smashing the place up or never to see him again.

I do know someone who did this and he did not go quietly she had given him 30 days email and texts to leave and go and live with his Dad and then she did it. They were estranged for about 5 years and are now at the point where she will meet him for coffee but he will never step foot in the house again. He did go through a point of asking for money and asking for a weekend stay but it was a hard no. She had cameras installed and he did smash her car up and fortunately she had the ring doorbells, locks changed, bagging his stuff up and dropping it off - etc it was all done in about an hour with 5 of her friends. Two of those stayed for a week. Police were called twice.

Are you in the UK - if he's claiming benefits is the job centre not pushing him for work - your not cruel or cold - when he leaves get his key and change the locks and YES to the police - he sounds like a bully - does he treat his Dad like this?

A colleague of mine is an academic and has published research based on her experience as an autistic parent to an autistic child with PDA. Wouldn't be surprised if PDA is going on here.

My colleague was blamed by authorities when she tried to get help. "It's the parent's fault ' is too easy to say sometimes.

I don't know what help there is for domestic abuse from son to mother. There must be something. Awful to be scared of him and living like this. Yes he does need to leave for your sake and for his siblings.

So sorry for you. You just sound numb.

Sounds tough OP. How old was he when his dad left? Do you think that had a huge impact on him? I can't believe CAHMs 'couldn't find anything' they can be really useless, were you able to show them videos of his rages? It's not normal behaviour and he should have had help.

Hopefully moving out with his GF will be the making of him.

I agree with pp. Some young people particularly men need to leave. Forge their own path. It’s not healthy them still being at home. But due to our society they are stuck.

Mine isn’t as extreme, there’s no violence for example but he did trash his room lots of times. He was never actually aggressive but if I sad anything to him it would make him react in a way where he barely spoke to me. He did always say he was looking for a job and ended up with a few dead end ones which lasted a week or so or were for 8 hours a week. Like you, I used to get so many calls from college to say he wasn’t there and at secondary to say he had t onesies work etc. He was so messy it was unreal, food always smeared everywhere (I didn’t even know how that happened - I think he used to have it in his hands and not wash them) it didn’t matter how many times I told him which bin was for what he got it wrong (they’re strict snd won’t take it if it has the wrong stuff in) so every time he was here I would have to check the wheelie bin. Same as yours wity the food, protein is expensive and if I criticised how many of an item he had he would be visibly annoyed. He has all but moved in with GF’s parents, I do question myself sometimes because surely he can’t be that bad if they don’t mind him there? But I do know that I don’t miss him and the stress it caused, I had a added complication of his step dad which make everything worse because he was fed up of him. I was told on here that it was all my fault. I have done some reflecting and honestly I should have been firmer with him. I have two older children and I was very soft with them and I don’t think k it has sine me any favours. But as one person has commented there are plenty of people with horrific upbringings that turn out well. I don’t think mine have much respect for me and I’m not sure why, I was very loving and tried very hard.