I do not care if ds and i are estranged

[PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers]

He is 20.

Has done nothing since getting bad A level results. Did not work for them so it was to be expected. He didn’t work for his GCSEs either but did ok in those.

Refuses to get a job. Any job. Doesn’t see why he should.

Refuses to clean up after himself in the kitchen and boy, he leave a mess. He might deign to wash up a pan he has used once in a while.

Eats vast quantities of food. I mean, he eats 9 eggs per day. I have started hiding food because I can’t afford it and I am sick of having to go to the supermarket all the time.

He sleeps all day. Goes to the gym. Scrolls. Sleeps. Eats. Gym. Scrolls. Shits. Eats. Sleeps.

His father pays for his phone and gym. We are divorced. That’s between them. His father is not helpful. And is actually as helpless as I am in this situation.

Ds has smashed things up when I have said no to lifts in the car somewhere or extra food. I am afraid of what he will smash up next. Perhaps me when I next say no to something he wants.

He now apparently has a gf. I think they are talking about moving in together. I pity the girl but I am not getting involved.

When he moves out or if I move and do not let him come with me (cannot afford to move yet), I really will not want to see him again given the contempt he has shown me and my home. I do not like him at all. He is lazy, violent and entitled.

I have other dcs at school. All doing well. They like him. I don’t interfere in their relationship.

I just don’t want to be a part of his life. I have seen his character. I do not like what I see. I have housed, fed, clothed and educated him for all his life and that is me done after his awful behaviour. I don’t even want to be part of any of his successes knowing what I know about him.

I know people will judge and say oh it’s your parenting failure. My other dcs are fine. Good work ethic. Doing well.

Evil of me? I don’t think so. Overwhelmed and trapped.

A lot of people come from abusive homes and do not turn out like this.
So you boot while someone is on the ground and asking for help?🤔

I have two DC with autism and much as I roll my eyes at people diagnosing over the internet one of mine was similar. What seemed to help was finding himself a "goal."
Sounds like he likes the gym. Don't outright suggest this, because if he's anything like my son that will stop him doing it - but mention in his hearing that you've heard of "so and so" who's making loads of money as "some celebrity's" personal trainer Or whatever job you think he would be interested in.

Once he's got a job that solves a lot of problems, including the low level depression that comes with not doing much all day and having no spare money.

So he’s basically on the autistic spectrum then?

My ds has severe mental health problems (and so did my mum). Turns out they do think severe bipolar disorder may well have a genetic link.

I met with various psychiatrists over the years and it is not always the family that is the cause. My son changed dramatically after a dreadful experience at secondary school and the psychiatrist said it was more about his peers and life experiences at that time than his family.

So for everyone who reads this thread and thinks my kids would never do that, touch wood when you say that as it could just as easily happen to you

I agree with this - all this hanging around parents till whatever age is breeding a ton of entitled expectant immature youth ( mainly boys I feel) - society is making it incredibly hard though to ‘move on’ - no flats to yourself and claiming housing benefit if necessary under 35 , and in many areas impossible to rent even 1 bedders if on your own in private market

It's too late now but kids need to be trained for want of a better word so from when they are little they contribute to housework they wash up, they tidy up in return for treats etc. You can bargain with them when young not when adults and set in their lazy ways.

Now you have a big dangerous useless lump on your hands all you can do is countdown til he leaves and make sure you don't give him a key. No one would judge you for being nc .

People change especially young people. I remember friends who changed when they got their first girlfriends. One would have ended up in prison had he not met her.

Hopefully for you he will change and you may begin to like him.

Have you considered or had some therapy yourself OP? If not, maybe it's time you take some care of yourself and that could help with some strategies with how to deal with him moving forwards? No one should have to live in a home with the threat of violence if their demands are not met ❤️

Back then they were not as good at diagnosing these things. Society is more enlightened now. If he was a toddler now you would not have the same experience getting a diagnosis. And that I believe, is why people on here say they feel sorry for him because he has clearly slipped through the safety net and been failed. You have too.

So sorry you are going through this OP. You should not have to suffer being treated like this in your own home. How is your relationship with his father? Would he step up and take him to live with him? If no then as pps have said at the slightest sign of aggression you really need to call the police and have him removed from your home.

Is that your diagnosis?

Please ignore posters who have perfectly well-behaved children and think that it's all due to their parenting. I have a DS16 who has been difficult all his life ("complex" Asd the psychiatrist wrote). He's not a joy to be around that's for sure. His brother 12 is the contrary ; academic, social, kind, well-behaved and polite. Luckily I have DS2 or I would have started to question myself as a parent if not. I have done EVERYTHING for my children in order for them to feel loved and to thrive (healthy boundaries on what's acceptable that I stick to etc but always willing to listen to their concerns and opinions).

Have seen several psychiatrists, therapists and speech therapists since he was 4 years old. I sometimes feel that I can't stand him because his behaviour is awful. But I try to see what's in his control and what's not and most of it is not which makes me "forgive" his behaviour.

Basically wanted to say to you that I understand, don't feel guilty and don't listen to those who do not know what it's like. I think that Cahms must have missed something when your DS was younger because it's not normal behaviour you are describing. They failed him if they gave up on him. Now he must seek help by himself if he wants to. Not your responsability and nothing you can do. Focus on your other dc. Try to get his dad involved and put a condition on him paying gym and phone if ds looks for work. Hopefully his gf will push him if they want to live together. I am so sorry.

Some people here are so judgemental. I hope they never have to experience their child having issues. It’s not always the parents fault, we all try are best to parent our children, sometimes things don’t always go how we imagine they will. There’s also 2 parents, not just OP.

OP, it’s time to stand up to him, tell him what’s expected of him and if he doesn’t do it he has to leave, don’t be afraid to call the police if he gets aggressive. Don’t be afraid to kick him out. It’s your home too and your other DC’s.

If he’s not working he needs to sign in (with universal credit), they will make him job search and will give him some guidance into getting him into work……as long as he goes to appointments. I wouldn’t worry about ‘if his girlfriend will put up with him’, she obviously knows he’s not working, chances are she is similar to him. How does he think they will afford to live together?

One of my NT d has rewritten her stable loving childhood /family life.
She is is now estranged from her siblings, dad and me, you would think we were the Manson family according to her.🙄Haven't seen her for years and her sibs have said she's dead to them because of how she's treated us all with such nastiness and comtempt. I have no interest in her life or whereabouts either.
Flame me if you want, I'm not bothered. Parents always get the blame regardless.
I never thought it but now, don't judge you might be in this situation one day after raising kids in a loving home environment.

Why do we always blame the parents in situations like this 😕. It doesn't come with a manual and after all we do for them it comes down to who they are as people. Not everyone gets on in life and that includes parents/children. They are their own people once they reach adults and that doesn't mean as parents we've failed them or done something. Its just who they are .

@PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers

Peonies are my favourite flowers also 🧡

You have tried your best - now it is time for tough love. Hopefully he will move in with his girlfriend somewhere else and you can change the locks.

You deserve a life too. Somewhere down the line he may realise but unfortunately some adult children are just entitled and will never change.

Wishing you well.

Wow, it's nasty posts like this that really make me wonder why I am still on Mumsnet.

I feel so sorry for you, you’re between a rock and a hard place. I also feel for your other dc. You say they have a good relationship with your eldest son but are they must be witnessing his treatment and violence towards you? They may be afraid of him to but covering that up.

I don’t know what to suggest because you’re in a terrible situation but he really needs to leave your home for the sack of you and your other dc.

And your comment shows you are a nasty price of work.

I had a son exactly like this. I could have written your opening post. From the age of 18 to 22 he was bodybuilding and taking huge amounts of steroids. Not hiding it rather. Took him getting sepsis and ending up in hospital for 4 weeks last summer before he stopped. The transformation in him is huge. He’s a regular nice person now. I can’t believe we lived with him like that for so long. Truthfully I was scared of him.

Are you SURE he’s not on steroids from the gym???? Two PPs have asked that as well.

PLEASE report the nasty posters. It only takes seconds and means the thread doesn’t get taken over by trolls.