How do I get past his BDSM past? Dating after r*pe

[Amibeingunreasonable123]

Im with a kind, considerate guy and I'm falling for him, together 3 months. I was rped in my last relationship. I've had counselling and time to process /recover.

My bf knows this and has been understanding and considerate, never pushing me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. But he told me that in his last few relationships he did Bdsm and has done it for years, nothing extreme but bondage, role play, sex parties etc. The second time we had sex he suggested using toys, I said no and he didn't ask again.
Then he asked if I'd wear lingerie if he bought me some. I said yes, thinking he meant in the future. The following week he got me horrendous crotchless lingerie and it really upset me and I refused to wear it. He appologised and reassured me. He's told me he would never want to do anything I'm not comfortable with and he knows I'll NEVER be tied up as I was tied up and rped.
Another time he sort of suggested role play as during sex he said bad girls push back when he took me from behind (I think he wanted me to go along with being "bad" - I just ignored the comment).

I worry he will just feel like our sex life is boring especially compared to his exes who did all sorts of stuff that he said he enjoyed. I'm feeling really vulnerable, insecure, boring (I've never even used a vibrator and I'm as vanilla as it gets, embarrassed to even go in Anne Summers) and I've lost my confidence. I just can't compromise on this stuff - anything new feels deeply unsafe so I can't try anything, nor do I want to. I bought it up (didn't tell him how insecure I was feeling as I'm embarrassed) and he said all the right things, reassuring me and telling me he's happy with vanilla sex and loves me.

I just can't get past the gut feeling that he's bored or will be and leave me or cheat on me. I can't stop obsessing about what he got up to in his past and judging him. Is there a way past this or should I end it? The beginning of the relationship felt great and I was confident.

Dump his sorry, pervy arse arse and do it NOW. Right this minute. Phone out? Good. Text him and get rid.

I don’t think he’s really listening to you. He says he’s happy with the vanilla sex you prefer but that’s now 3 times in 3 months he’s suggested something that makes you uncomfortable. My worry wouldn’t be so much that he gets bored and cheats but more that he’s a guy who doesn’t really listen and think about things from your perspective.

I think have the conversation with him, explain how these suggestions are making you feel, and then give him one last chance. Any more suggestions outside the vanilla and I’d be done. But if you’ve already had that conversation then bin now .

His past doesn’t matter. He’s making you feel insecure NOW. Dump him.

Bin him and get therapy.

You are sexually incompatible.
Its not you, its him. He refuses to listen.

You’re not compatible - move on and leave this one

He wants a porn star gf... Don't feel bad that isn't you. Time to ditch him.

@Amibeingunreasonable123 @LapisBlue‘s first in with the right answer.

Sorry to be blunt but this isn’t going to work. He can’t magic away his preferences and desires and you can’t magic away your terrible trauma.

He can try all he wants to not push you into anything but he likes what he likes and if he’s not able to do those things with his partner he’ll either be unhappy or look else where.

You’re not compatible sexually and it’s a shame but is what it is.

You deserve to be in a safe and loving relationship where your partners desires aren’t on the extreme end of the spectrum.

He is trying to.push your boundaries OP.
He won't stop. If BDSM is his thing then that's what he will continue to push for.

You have nothing to apologise for if it's not your thing. It's not about being boring. It's about having different sexual tastes and preferences.

As pp said you are not sexually compatible and this relationship will only cause you distress if you continue with it.

He’s not for you . He wouldn’t be for me either . My last ex was into some of this stuff but I think he was actually hiding a lot from me and even seeing a dom behind my back . I’m not even that ‘vanilla’ either but I won’t be getting involved with a man like this again .
you need to sack this one off .

Being into BDSM does not make him a sorry pervy arse 🙄

OP he seems to be one of the good ones on the scene who actually understands and respect boundaries. However, if it’s something making you so insecure, upset and uncomfortable (understandably) and you can’t have a completely open and honest conversation with him and trust his response, there is an argument for ending things. Not because of sexual incompatibility per se, but if you can’t have transparency with someone you’re in a relationship with, there really is no point.

For what it’s worth, I’m into some things that would make a lot of people cringe yet in my last 2 relationships my partners weren’t. It genuinely was fine not doing those things and can hand in heart say it didn’t have an effect on the relationships or sex lives.

I am so sorry to hear about your attack. It's very understandable to feel wary of BDSM and have the rape impact on sex life.
My advice is to honour your gut feeling and end the relationship. I hope you are accessing support and that you go from strength to strength.

I agree dump him, he is setting you up, who cares if he thinks "the sex is boring" do not be coerced, he isn't the man for you.

He wants someone who wants what he wants (nothing wrong with that) and he's hoping you'll get there consensually.

You won't and nor should you

He will keep asking and eventually get bored

You are NOT boring but you ARE incompatible with this guy

I've got an interest in kink and BDSM, but only with someone I trust and respects my boundaries with no question. This man is not doing that. Ignore the verbal reassurances he's giving you and look at his behaviour. It's only 3 months in and you're supposed to be enjoying yourself, not feeling unsafe and insecure. He'll keep pushing for what he's into because he's not taking your boundaries seriously.

I think unfortunately you are sexually incompatible with either other. Neither of you is to blame for how you feel but I think this is unlikely to resolve.

I dont think he is pervy and I dont think you are boring op.
I just think you want/need different things from your sex life which makes you incompatible in the long term.

End it now OP Someone that really cared about you would be taking the lead from you about how and when a sexual relationship occurred.

Any man who buys a woman crotchless underwear when she didn't explicitly ask for them is a red flag/major turn off. And the bad girl comment? Ew. Especially when he knows your trauma and history.

He might say he respects your boundaries, but he doesn't because he keeps pushing them - that's not kind, or considerate. Also, bondage and role play can be pretty mild and light-hearted, I guess, but sex parties are pretty extreme

You're not compatible sexually, and he seems like a pushy sleaze. I think it's best to call it quits sooner rather than later, after he's torn down your self-confidence and perhaps wheedled you into doing things you don't really want to do.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with liking things "vanilla". Not a popular view but I think people who don't find vanilla enough, it's because they aren't any good at it.

Dump him and choose a man who gets it right, there are plenty who can

Bloody hell, don't be thinking about what he thinks of you.

You are massively incompatible when it comes to a physical relationship - break up time!

You couldn't pay me to go out with someone with those preferences. Each to their own, no judgement (out loud) but yuck! No bloody way. And that's without the trauma you have experienced (I am so sorry you have)

Its ok to find it gross and dump him. Just do it. You can't always be doubting yourself (you absolutely shouldn't) or wondering what shudder-inducing thing he might come out with next.

End it. No matter how nice he is outside sexual scenarios, he's always going to push for his preferences. That does not make for a happy relationship. You will inevitably end up distressed. Not worth it.

Really sorry about what happened to you.

Do not automatically assume that your current preferences are due to the attack, and that all you need to do is ‘recover’ in order to fulfil his interests.

It sounds as if you wouldn’t have been comfortable with his sexual tastes even without what happened.

You are not comfortable with. That is not healthy. So set you both free

You gave the relationship a go, but it isn’t a goer. That happens for all sorts of reasons.

Also, you describe this man as "kind and considerate" - I don't think you understand what these words mean, sadly.