How do I get past his BDSM past? Dating after r*pe

[Amibeingunreasonable123]

Im with a kind, considerate guy and I'm falling for him, together 3 months. I was rped in my last relationship. I've had counselling and time to process /recover.

My bf knows this and has been understanding and considerate, never pushing me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. But he told me that in his last few relationships he did Bdsm and has done it for years, nothing extreme but bondage, role play, sex parties etc. The second time we had sex he suggested using toys, I said no and he didn't ask again.
Then he asked if I'd wear lingerie if he bought me some. I said yes, thinking he meant in the future. The following week he got me horrendous crotchless lingerie and it really upset me and I refused to wear it. He appologised and reassured me. He's told me he would never want to do anything I'm not comfortable with and he knows I'll NEVER be tied up as I was tied up and rped.
Another time he sort of suggested role play as during sex he said bad girls push back when he took me from behind (I think he wanted me to go along with being "bad" - I just ignored the comment).

I worry he will just feel like our sex life is boring especially compared to his exes who did all sorts of stuff that he said he enjoyed. I'm feeling really vulnerable, insecure, boring (I've never even used a vibrator and I'm as vanilla as it gets, embarrassed to even go in Anne Summers) and I've lost my confidence. I just can't compromise on this stuff - anything new feels deeply unsafe so I can't try anything, nor do I want to. I bought it up (didn't tell him how insecure I was feeling as I'm embarrassed) and he said all the right things, reassuring me and telling me he's happy with vanilla sex and loves me.

I just can't get past the gut feeling that he's bored or will be and leave me or cheat on me. I can't stop obsessing about what he got up to in his past and judging him. Is there a way past this or should I end it? The beginning of the relationship felt great and I was confident.

They clearly have talked about it, though.

And no, she doesn't want to 'try things' - she's made that very clear in her post. Someone who doesn't feel comfortable using a vibrator or walking into a branch of Ann Summers doesn't want to 'try things' and no, they cannot 'meet in the middle' - the OP isn't going to be comfortable anywhere near 'the middle' if she was upset by him using the words 'bad girls push back' during sex. People can't just change what turns them, nor can they change what actively repulses them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the OP's preferences. There is absolutely nothing wrong with his either. But they are essentially oil and water and will not ever mix.

You don't need a word for non kinky sex, it's just sex

It is clearly used and felt as pressure and criticism by women - I have felt this as have others

It implies there is another kind of sex that you are denying your partner.

OP also said she was vanilla, like its something you are. I've felt the same. Giving something a name is how you to try to denormalise it.

I'll believe that it's not sexist when I see men who don't want to be pegged labelled 'vanilla'

I won't because men don't have to justify totally normal boundaries

People who are into BDSM simply do not know how to have a healthy sex life. They rely on a particular stimulus to drive arousal as they’re unable to get aroused through the normal healthy mutual exchange of sensation and pleasure. They dismiss this by labelling healthy sex as “vanilla”, a subtly derogatory term. Don’t let him gaslight you about this.

"DaisyChain505 · Today 10:48
Sorry to be blunt but this isn’t going to work. He can’t magic away his preferences and desires and you can’t magic away your terrible trauma.
He can try all he wants to not push you into anything but he likes what he likes and if he’s not able to do those things with his partner he’ll either be unhappy or look else where.
You’re not compatible sexually and it’s a shame but is what it is.
You deserve to be in a safe and loving relationship where your partners desires aren’t on the extreme end of the spectrum."

This. I would go a bit further though. My life partner and I have played with some light BDSM on and off over the years (spanking etc; no sex parties - it's perfectly possible to engage in BDSM without 3rd parties involved). It was his particular interest and always had been. But we had been together for quite a while (from memory, a couple of years; together 25+ years overall) before we began to discuss it and engage in it and then only to the extent it worked for me.

You've only been together 3 months and this guy is already pushing for BDSM. And it's all so performative as well - crotchless underwear, bad girl role play.

You're so new to each other. You have so much still to discover together even with non-kinky activities. But that is already not enough and he is already pushing for more. I'm not convinced he is particularly kind and considerate, but even if he is, you and he are not compatible and he is not a safe partner for you.

BDSM is a kink not perverted, just not vanilla.

I don't think you're anywhere near the same mindset and given your history and his pushing your boundaries I really don't think you're compatible.

He isn’t suddenly going to accept a different sex life and that would have me wondering if he was going or cheating , again I don’t think your compatible unfortunately.

I think you are incompatible and I think that you need more time to recover what happened to you.

Girl you’re not a match sorry - leave him and work on your self esteem. You’ve told him where you stand and that’s the right thing but he wants what you can’t give.

and you need to work on healing as you sound afraid of sex tbh - no judgement, been there, but being single for now is the way forward imo xx

BDSM used to be really hot on consent, long before that concept filtered into the mainstream. It was very much about communicating boundaries and limits and then upholding them.

Between the internet, books like 50 Shades, movies, Madonna, etc bdsm became cool, and very much mainstream. These days regular porn routinely contains elements like anal, choking that used to be considered hard core in bdsm circles and that should never be part of anyone’s sexual experience without proper risk analysis and consent.

There are a lot of people who talk to talk but don’t observe any of the safety protocols. It sounds very much like your bf is one of those people who dabble in kink, think himself a bit of an expert but still fails spectacularly at the basics of consent and communication. He’s very likely considered a walking red flag on the bdsm scene too.

You’ve been through a terrible experience and you need to heal - physically, mentally, emotionally, psychically, spiritually. That takes time. You need to be safe and it cannot be a good thing to have to be on guard at night in bed when your entire being needs to rest and relax. Any decent person would understand this.

By contrast, I am involved in a long term bdsm relationship, and about ten years in, a buried rape memory resurfaced that sent me spiralling. I couldn’t bear to be touched never mind anything else. My dom, accepted, without question these new limits and we didn’t have sex for months, until I was ready, and even then we moved entirely at my pace. What makes him a dom, is his excellent self control, empathy, consideration and trustworthiness. The kinky stuff is just sex. He never stopped being a dom, he just took care of me in a different way.

I’m sharing this because it’s easy to end up disregarding some of the excellent advice on this thread as close minded or pearl clutching by people who don’t understand bdsm. But there’s good advice here.

put yourself first @Amibeingunreasonable123 and give yourself space to heal. This man isn’t the prize you think he is, but you are.

I'll believe that it's not sexist when I see men who don't want to be pegged labelled 'vanilla'...

men don't have to justify totally normal boundaries

@holdtheline11 You are spot on there. Very well put. Thank you.

I think you need to end this relationship. You both have very different preferences and that is going to cause issues.

So sorry that you have experienced this OP. I was abused in the past also and have had a few relationships since. I have experienced several pushy men, men claiming to be dominant in the bedroom and being into various things which I consider as ‘making women feel inferior and lessers’. It’s not only something I am now willing to take part in but it’s become clear that a lot of these so called ‘dominant men’ are simply abusive men. Any nice caring man would not want their partner to feel uncomfortable, would not expect their partner to obey them in the bedroom or suffer unwanted pain. Of course there are woman that enjoy it which is fine but for me it’s something I don’t enjoy. I have experienced sexual abuse many times since the age of 14 and I would rather be alone than feel that I have to do something I am not uncomfortable with to please a man and his kinks.

It also makes little difference if a woman has been abused or not…..if a woman (or man) doesn’t want to do something, then that’s their choice and it should be respected.

I am sorry that you feel this man is a good one, he is not or he would have listened to your feelings. I would highly recommend the freedom programme and pattern changing course (it’s helped me a lot) and ditching this man. There are good men out there that respect women and listen to their feelings.

I'm so sorry for what you have experienced. I agree with others who feel you are not compatible sexually. You deserve a partner who puts you first and wants your needs to be met, not just theirs. In this situation, I think you should listen to your gut. You deserve a partner who cherishes and respects you, and if your partner knows about your past, why is he not letting you take the lead on all things sexual? I don't think this is the one for you.

I'm so sorry for your past experience. It strikes me reading your post that if you continue this relationship, you're going to be experiencing a lot of anxiety. Either the sex will be OK but you'll be worrying he's bored, or you'll be worrying he's going to request something else you're not prepared for.

He does not sound like a bad person, and the things he's asked of you have all been what I'd consider completely vanilla, but he clearly has no idea of how sexual trauma works, or how to have a new sexual relationship with someone recovering from it. Sadly, in my experience, most men have no idea of their own privilege in this, and are totally unaware of how a survivors mind draws connections between seemingly unrelated phrases and acts.

Maybe you need some more time before being in a relationship? At the very least this man is simply not compatible with your needs for absolute trust and safety.

Dump.

I don’t think he is pervy he just likes what he likes as do all of us and neither of you are to blame you just aren’t sexually compatible. In the long run it isn’t going to work as you both want different things but also he doesn’t get to try and convince you to like what he likes. I think you both need different people x

You have to ask? Bin him

Get rid. My ex husband suddenly decided to get into all this stuff and finally just dumped me. We'd been married for 20 years. 10 years later he's still obsessed with it.
He will endlessly kick down your boundaries , this type always do. Save yourself the misery.

Liking BDSM does not make him a pervert at all. At the same time, not wanting to engage in any form of it is your right too. This is a matter of sexual incompatibility and the accompanying insecurity that comes with it. It'll make sex less pleasurable because you are constantly going to worry whether you are enough for him. And he might have to suppress some of his desires too. And given your distressing past experience, it is not something you will try or experiment with at any point. No one is wrong here, it's a difference in preferences. You might have to slowly find ways to be passionate with each other, while remaining within acceptable boundaries. Have a honest conversation about your fears and you both can decide whether the relationship is worth giving a go. And if it does not work out after some time, then it does not.

Exactly! It's used to denormalise ordinary sex, making it seem subtly restrictive and boring.

(I also find it odd that women on Mumsnet are arguing that it's okay to use 'vanilla' because it just differentiates it from all the other kinds of sex, when most of them wouldn't accept that as an explanation for why it's okay to paste the label 'cis' onto them .)

In 2026 I’d say vanilla is a well known derogatory term. Denying that is disingenuous. Whenever you say something is vanilla, you mean the most basic, most bland variant of whatever experience.

I think he’s really stretching your boundaries at a time when you don’t need this. He sounds selfish and not trustworthy. He doesn’t understand take it slow does he? I don’t think you should stay in this relationship.

He’s not what you need or deserve. You deserve a man who makes you feel safe and this one doesn’t. He’s not for you. Don’t waste your time. Centre on your own needs and move on.

Hi OP I'm sad reading you post.
with what you have been dealing with regarding previous relationship.
Also I just see a red flag 🚩 as personally I thinks it’s way too soon within 3’months
of meeting someone new to be asking for his sexual preference/kinks .
He is pushing you to go against your boundaries for his own gratification!
As you are vulnerable at a start of a new relationship and especially with you having treatment/ therapy for what you have been through. Please speak to your therapist and put yourself first, if you don’t I’m feel you will or may end up being sexually abused again .
sorry that sounds harsh.
A new relationship I believe shouldn’t be loaded with this much stress and anxiety for you . Take care .