How do I get past his BDSM past? Dating after r*pe

[Amibeingunreasonable123]

Im with a kind, considerate guy and I'm falling for him, together 3 months. I was rped in my last relationship. I've had counselling and time to process /recover.

My bf knows this and has been understanding and considerate, never pushing me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. But he told me that in his last few relationships he did Bdsm and has done it for years, nothing extreme but bondage, role play, sex parties etc. The second time we had sex he suggested using toys, I said no and he didn't ask again.
Then he asked if I'd wear lingerie if he bought me some. I said yes, thinking he meant in the future. The following week he got me horrendous crotchless lingerie and it really upset me and I refused to wear it. He appologised and reassured me. He's told me he would never want to do anything I'm not comfortable with and he knows I'll NEVER be tied up as I was tied up and rped.
Another time he sort of suggested role play as during sex he said bad girls push back when he took me from behind (I think he wanted me to go along with being "bad" - I just ignored the comment).

I worry he will just feel like our sex life is boring especially compared to his exes who did all sorts of stuff that he said he enjoyed. I'm feeling really vulnerable, insecure, boring (I've never even used a vibrator and I'm as vanilla as it gets, embarrassed to even go in Anne Summers) and I've lost my confidence. I just can't compromise on this stuff - anything new feels deeply unsafe so I can't try anything, nor do I want to. I bought it up (didn't tell him how insecure I was feeling as I'm embarrassed) and he said all the right things, reassuring me and telling me he's happy with vanilla sex and loves me.

I just can't get past the gut feeling that he's bored or will be and leave me or cheat on me. I can't stop obsessing about what he got up to in his past and judging him. Is there a way past this or should I end it? The beginning of the relationship felt great and I was confident.

You’re not compatible and he’s being a jerk. Throw this one back. Sorry, OP.

He isn’t pervy at all.
You’re not boring either.

You’re are both having sex with the wrong people who want different things. It isn’t fair on either of you to be bending to a type of sex life that doesn’t suit your wants or your needs.

I don’t think you will ever feel safe with him, he doesn’t respect your boundaries. Don’t let him feel you’re boring or vanilla just because you don’t like what he does. Also him saying he loves you is a massive red flag, you’ve only been together 3 months!

I agree with the majority of comments. His desires, in themselves, aren't a red flag, and can be part of a healthy, respectful and committed relationship. However, it's equally fine and healthy to have far more "vanilla" tastes. Neither of you is wrong. And particularly given your past trauma, a degree of anxiety around sex full stop, even without the BDSM aspects, would be totally understandable.

What's wrong here is the complete mismatch between you, and the fact that he doesn't seem to truly respect your feelings or he wouldn't have pushed for more after the first time you told him no.

I think, if you really want to see if things can be salvaged then it's time for one last, frank conversation, away from the bedroom. Spell out exactly what you've said here, including the fact that you don't expect your feelings on this to change over time. Be clear that he isn't too ask, sulk, buy you toys/lingerie, any of it. If you have any hint at all, either during that conversation or afterwards, that he isn't 100% respectful of your boundaries, then you need to walk away. Sadly I'm pretty sure your relationship cannot get through this as BDSM does sound to be very important to him.

Please do not put yourself though this after your previous relationship experience. Why make life complicated 😕. He will still have these interests and if you'renot interested this will either be something he eventually persuades you to try, or does it behind your back. Either way not worth it. 💕

This is not the guy for you

Its so early on and he is pushing this stuff, even though its gently. If he was going to sex parties etc he is really into this. This is not the man for you, honestly.

There is no such thing as a BDSM past, full stop. Its very much present.

You may be incompatible, but I think I’d be talking to him about what you both want from each other. You’ve said you’re vanilla, but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t want to try things, so you may be able to meet somewhere in between? It may not be the case and if you have open and honest conversations and you’re not happy then it may be time to move on. Sorry about your past rape, it must be difficult for you but I hope it is something you can move onwards from

This presumes that he will be honest about what he wants

You’ve said you’re vanilla, but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t want to try things, so you may be able to meet somewhere in between?

Just no! She doesn't want that, shouldn't have to want it. Her boundaries matter.

Piss off with your crotchless pants (op's bf, not the pp I'm quoting)

Why aren’t you listening to him, he is telling you loud and clear that he doesn’t respect your boundaries?

The op knows what she likes and what she is "into" having a man push his ideas and turn ons onto her is probably part of his kink , the op or any woman doesn't have to "give it a go".to please him.

Another time he sort of suggested role play as during sex he said bad girls push back when he took me from behind (I think he wanted me to go along with being "bad" -

It's only been 3 months don't waste any more of your time.

He doesn't sound like he cares about you or your past experience. You are still processing the trauma of the rape and he said this to you?!

You are not compatible so just move on. Find someone who makes you feel confident and exciting. You are not 'boring' but this man is making you feel like that.

My ex asked me a few times about me wearing stockings and I said no each time . He went and bought some anyway
then again perhaps they weren’t for me given all the other dodgy shit I found
he tried to bullshit and gaslight his way out of it when I found the last straw of used bondage tape.
don’t me op just get out now .

There's nothing wrong with him being interested in BDSM, liking sex, toys, etc. Equally, there's nothing wrong with you not wanting any involvement with that, and it being triggering for you.

It just sound like he was pushing you, but whilst it was too much too early, better now than in a year's time when you're more invested in the relationship.

It doesn't make either a few bad people, or pervy or boring. It probably means you're sadly incompatible sexually though. I think it's better to move on, and he can find someone who he can have kinky fun with, and you can find someone who's sexual interests don't alarm you.

Ps: A lot of sex toys for women are for external play, and you can buy them online so don't need to go into a store. They can be a lot of fun if you ever want to give it a try, but it totally needs to be on your terms. It might be it's not avenue you want to explore, but it may be a way of bringing some fun back after such difficult times, with zero pressure, because it's just you.

Sorry OP but I agree with the others, this isn’t the man for you.
Neither of you are wrong for your sexual taste however a man who knows your previous trauma and is still pushing your sexual boundaries is not the good guy you think he is.

You want different things - don’t waste anymore time and headspace on this one

He isn’t being sensitive or considerate to what happened to you AT ALL op. Get rid.

Get rid, you're not compatible and I think there's a big risk here that you're going to end up doing things you don't actually want to do – resulting in more trauma.

He knew and still pushed. Big red flag.

Also, from my experience, men who are into this kind of stuff often have a sort of fantasy about introducing 'vanilla' women to their interests.

Throw this one back.

He's been trying to push your boundaries this whole time.

He is bad news get rid.

He's asking you to do things you are uncomfortable with and say no to since the second time you had sex. He's really not kind or considerate, he's trying to get you to do things he wants and you don't.

So he may say he won't do anything you're uncomfortable with, but he's asked for exactly that from very early on. That's him being pushy. He knows what vanilla is yet he makes attempts to get you to do things he's into but you're not.

Your sexualities are incompatible and he is pushing for things you're very uncomfortable with. I think he's going to push until something happens that triggers you and you have to deal with being retraumatized. You're only 3 months in, let this one go now.

Break up with him. His sexual style is not compatible with someone has had traumatic experiences at all.

it’s not your fault and don’t worry about pleasing him. Your wellbeing and safety is paramount in this. He is not respecting this and trying to test your boundaries.

you have to leave, he will keep trying and pushing

Why are you quoting me with things I didn’t say? It’s clear that you’ve got your opinion, but I have an opinion too.
I was talking about communication … this is what adults do, talk things through and make decisions 🙄

Yes but a conversation is an adult approach. If it’s not for the OP then that’s her choice - she’s asking for opinions, that’s mine

I was just quoting because you suggested talking it through or whatever the op has made it clear what she likes he seems to be pushing his luck.with his girl friend who has had Sexual abuse in a relationship.

BDSM doesn’t automatically make someone a perve no. But sorry this man sounds like a boundary violator. Asking to use toys the second time together doesn’t bode well for me either.