How do I get past his BDSM past? Dating after r*pe

[Amibeingunreasonable123]

Im with a kind, considerate guy and I'm falling for him, together 3 months. I was rped in my last relationship. I've had counselling and time to process /recover.

My bf knows this and has been understanding and considerate, never pushing me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. But he told me that in his last few relationships he did Bdsm and has done it for years, nothing extreme but bondage, role play, sex parties etc. The second time we had sex he suggested using toys, I said no and he didn't ask again.
Then he asked if I'd wear lingerie if he bought me some. I said yes, thinking he meant in the future. The following week he got me horrendous crotchless lingerie and it really upset me and I refused to wear it. He appologised and reassured me. He's told me he would never want to do anything I'm not comfortable with and he knows I'll NEVER be tied up as I was tied up and rped.
Another time he sort of suggested role play as during sex he said bad girls push back when he took me from behind (I think he wanted me to go along with being "bad" - I just ignored the comment).

I worry he will just feel like our sex life is boring especially compared to his exes who did all sorts of stuff that he said he enjoyed. I'm feeling really vulnerable, insecure, boring (I've never even used a vibrator and I'm as vanilla as it gets, embarrassed to even go in Anne Summers) and I've lost my confidence. I just can't compromise on this stuff - anything new feels deeply unsafe so I can't try anything, nor do I want to. I bought it up (didn't tell him how insecure I was feeling as I'm embarrassed) and he said all the right things, reassuring me and telling me he's happy with vanilla sex and loves me.

I just can't get past the gut feeling that he's bored or will be and leave me or cheat on me. I can't stop obsessing about what he got up to in his past and judging him. Is there a way past this or should I end it? The beginning of the relationship felt great and I was confident.

This is so weird honestly, you all sound like nutters

why are you actively engaging sexually with a man that clearly triggers you? It’s like you keep
exploring more with him knowing it’s gonna hurt you. It’s not rocket science to see this probably isn’t the right person for you? You’ve been together 3 months which is hardly any time at all? He probably sees your trauma as a turn on? By saying bad girls push back it sounds like he wanted you to squirm as if it was non consensual?

You're vulnerable in this area due to past experience and you owe it to yourself to look after yourself, prioritise your wellbeing and keep yourself safe. You do not feel safe with him. Get yourself away from him.

You're losing your confidence, and obsessing about other women he's had sex with, he's not for you and you're not for him. And that is ok. Move it on, look after yourself, this is imperative. It feels bad because it's not doing you any good. Make a choice that puts you first.

I’d break up. You’re not sexually compatible. Even if he’s happy with more run of the mill sex you’re insecure about it and don’t trust him at the end of the day.

I wouldn’t get past this and I would end the relationship.

Gracious, so you think the only options are missionary once a year, or bondage sex parties in crotchless knickers??

It seems you're unaware, so fyi: there's actually a vast middle ground of enjoyable, varied sexual activities that are neither prudery nor bdsm, which you can indulge in, should you please.

@Amibeingunreasonable123

This is still very early in a relationship - 3 months. You barely know each other, and he can't "reassure you he loves you". And you are not "falling for him".

You are both still in the high hormonal state of discovering the new partner - with all of the great feelings it involves.

However. Unfortunately - you are not really compatible for long term. No matter how exciting and nice it all feels now - it is unlikely to work. When people meet - in the very early stages, we tend to project the version of us we think the other would love best. It's not intentional, its just how people behave. So - we are on our best behaviour, and smooth all the sharper angles, etc. But in the longer term, that is unsustainable. And inevitably we relax back into who we are on a deeper level.

He is not a perv as someone suggested. And you are not boring, etc. But his preference for a different kind of sex, with different experiences - parties, toys, etc. - is how he is. He put it aside for a while with you, but eventually, it'll catch up with him. Even if he now proclaims he can live without it.

(If he was saying he liked to play it out sometimes with willing partners - it'd be different. But, as you said - he has been into it for years. And it takes a certain level of involvement in BDSM scene to go to parties, which is a whole different level of it all. This is not a judgement - as BDSM community is something that grown up adults engage in willingly. BUT - it's a different sort of sexual preferences to what OP wants or can accept)

“never pushing me to do anything I'm not comfortable with”

OP, this isn’t true. He has pushed your boundaries. Hes not gone over them, and he sounds generally respectful. But it’s clear that he is just not what you need. What you need is someone who wants the same type of sex life that you want, where you won’t be second guessing what he thinks, where you won’t be worrying that you “should” do more.

It’s ok to just say you’re not compatible in this.

This.
I have "a past" with swinging and dipped my toe into BDSM for a while. It was great fun, but my current (and I hope forever) partner has zero interest in those things. Our sex life is incredible and I'm perfectly happy. I'd choose him over any alt sexual lifestyle.

You need to communicate. That's the crux of it.

Leave him OP. He would have enough red flags for me even without your history.

I think at the moment you are mistaking someone being nice, polite and charming when they want something, vs someone who is genuinely decent.

Please don't fall into this whole 'vanilla' terminology or thinking of yourself that way. If people need lots of stimulation, toys, costume, BDSM....then who is the most sexual there?? The people who need all those things to get aroused or enjoy sex, or the people who don't?

You're so busy worrying that he'll think you're boring but I don't think he's worrying about being too insensitive or being too much for you OP, and that shows in his actions.

Part of the reason why you've found some of his behaviour to be upsetting is because you feel fragile. I think you want to be loved, cared for, and that doesn't involve wearing tacky crotchless underwear or playing the role of a victim in his rape fantasies.

I'm sorry OP, but given what you've said, I don't think he is happy having your sex life, given how quickly he's progressed with these things. He's either buying himself time because he's not ready to have the break-up conversation with you yet, or he's planning to carry on doing these things in those sex parties.

If he's really into BDSM, then a lot of men in that community resign themselves to a live of lies where they fulfil their deepest sexual fantasises outside of their relationships, with our without their female partner's consent or knowledge.

I’d dump him. Why are these women who would do what he wants relegated to exes? Either he dumped them regardless of their willingness or they dumped him because they’d gone off him and his demands.

Who is and what is sex shaming ?

You don't have to 'get past' something that makes you feel extremely unsafe, OP. It's ok to call it a day.

Ugh did he really use the expression "bad girls"? Sexist, misogynistic and absolutely disrespectful.

He thinks of women as sex objects. He has probably learned that acting "nice" makes them likelier to want sex with him. But it looks tonme as though he doesn't see you or any woman, primarily as a person.

Yes, what the hell is a ‘bad’ girl. Unless he’s talking about ones who beat up old ladies and set fire to schools it’s a big turn off just for using that expression.

I think you need to step back from dating and have more counselling OP, because you say in your post that he does not push you but he actually is pushing you constantly to lower your guard - you just seem to be unaware of it unfortunately.

The fact that he has even mentioned BDSM, toys, role play, bondage and being a “bad girl” to you knowing your history is horrendous. He is placing you in the position of always having to second-guess his motives and question yourself.

Get rid of him before he does any more damage.

This

Go away, there’s a good chap.

I would hate all of this - way too soon even if you didn't have that history. i would feel the same as you and you are not 'vanilla' - a word created by men to pressure women into going beyond their boundaries. Good sex is not defined by toys or lingerie at all and I dont think it's a great sign to request that so early on.

I know its easy to say without being in your position getting to like him but I'd be off. I hate the bad girl stuff and find it embarrassing. Your history makes his comments all the more off-putting and does raise some alarm bells (could you not wait a few months if your gf has this history!?)

I am really sorry for what you went through. Sending you strength and warmth. X

Neither of you is in the wrong here. You are simply not sexually compatible. At all. You can absolutely find someone who is right for you, but this man isn't him. You can't meet each other's needs and you both deserve to be with people who can.

To be honest, I doubt you'd be on the same page sexually even if you hadn't had a traumatically awful experience in the past. He just isn't right for you and you need to end the relationship. You're not a good match. His sexual interests and preferences aren't going to change, and neither or yours. You simply aren't sexually excited by the same things.

I completely disagree with people calling him a pervert who wants a porn star girlfriend - you've said in your post that he has respected all your boundaries and hasn't pushed you to do anything you don't like. He's asked, and you've said no, and he's respected that. He's also been completely honest with you.

So, he isn't a bad man, but he is a bad match and you need to end this relationship. You've only been with him for a very, very short time and it's already causing you quite significant stress and anxiety - it's not going to get better.

you are not 'vanilla' - a word created by men to pressure women into going beyond their boundaries

It really isn't. It's simply shorthand for non-kinky sex. It's not intended to be derogatory.

…. And I am saying it’s about taking these discussions about what is and isn’t ok out of the bedroom, and perhaps over a coffee or a glass of wine etc, so it’s discussed, agreed and everyone knows where they stand —- otherwise people don’t know what is or isn’t not ok for them
it’s called communication, it’s healthy and it’s better than continually rejecting people in case they ask in the throes of passion if something is ok. BDSM doesn’t make people perverted or boundary crossing when they’re perhaps trying to find common ground

🙄 oh for the love of god. Not everyone who doesn’t treat sex like you is a man. It’s getting ridiculous on Mumsnet for other women to be told they’re men just because they have a different thought process.

The op has spoken to him he is edging in his kink she is doubting herself he isnt listening and probably a bit turned on because she is saying "no" is what i am trying to get across to you,

You're not wrong, neither is he, you're just not compatible and it won't work. End it now before it gets too difficult and you're really smitten.