Women 50+ post divorce. Did you find 'true' love again or are you happy being single?

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

After 27 years of marriage, 34 of being together, 4 kids etc.... He found a Thai lady to replace us (me) with (told me on my birthday just to ensure that is ruined as well). I was devastated! 19 months on I'm still struggling. He seems to be dragging the divorce out and is very controlling with money and knowing where I am/when etc.

I was really looking forward to the last child (she's 16 and doing GCSEs) heading off to uni and us having more 'us' time and focusing on fun. Now I'm having to carve out a new future which is positively frightening.

At my mother's and older daughter's encouragement I did sign up to a couple of online dating sites ages ago. Sheesh! I've now cancelled all subscriptions. The online men out there seem to either want immediate meet ups (so presumably for sex) or a nurse for their old age. Instead I'm focusing on getting through this divorce and rebuilding a life for myself. BUT.....

My friends who have been through divorce seem to fall into two groups. Either very early on they fell into another relationship, which has (from the outside) never seems that healthy. Or they've become content with being single. The 'content with being single' group seem happier but I'm so scared of that option. The idea of not having someone out there see you as their world feels very lonely. Equally if you did find 'true' love again how the hell did you do it? The men online were positively slimly or narcissistic. One man messaged me, after looking at my profile picture, with the words "nice, when can we meet". Ummm never!

I've been to the cinema much more since I've been single. Basically apart from children's films I very rarely managed to go, ex didn't want to, and was very iffy about looking after the children, he wanted to be off doing his own things. Didn't like me going out when the children got older either
I'm happy to go with a friend but if nobody wants to go I just go by myself. Concerts too
We have a local community cinema and the council put on NT lives, so not far to go and reasonably cheap.
Yes it would always be nice to have company but I really don't mind

i would say that’s true and not true at the same time- you only the options that are open to you - you cannot magic to people like you - the pond of “well kept women beyond 45” is not as big as might think- and they are probably in the larger metropolitan areas ( where I am not ),

I am nearing the 50s. I have a decent marriage buy boy, did it take tons of bloody hardwork to bring it to some decent level.....saying that, if I find myself single at 50 or after, given I can financially cover my basics and take a bus or train to somewhere in this country, I would be throwing parties in my mind all day long, every day

and if a decent nice man appears again, would be just a nice surprise, not a need or burden I would carry or sweat about at night

I was married for 28 years, also 4 kids. I left him because I just could not be married to him any longer. (long story, no infidelity or addictions--just extreme unhappiness) After the youngest kids left for college, I tried OLD. Ugh. I was a fit, reasonably attractive, slim, 59 years old at that time. The online men are looking for someone much younger than they are. By and large very slimy. I know there ARE decent men out there somewhere, but I no longer have the energy or the desire to look for them. I have become quite content with my circle of friends, my garden, my books and hobbies. (And of course, my pets) It's actually quite nice being single. If the right man suddenly showed up I'd love to have a relationship, but i will never marry again, and I will never allow someone to live with me. It can get VERY financially complicated and there are many predators out there.

You're still young, and everyone has something positive to offer. I'm sending you a hug and some love!

I think it's key to not tell yourself 'Oh I can't be friends with them bc they're a couple...'--maybe some couples won't want to be friends with singles, but in my case I have single friends and couple friends. One couple I consider very good friends and we go out to dinner regularly, and not infrequently I will go with only one half of the couple (Usually because the other half is working or out of town)

Yes, and there are some real horror stories out there, of women who let a man move in with her, or she married him, and ended up losing her house. Total nightmare. That's one reason why I would never remarry or allow a man to move in (not that any are lining up to do that anyway, haha....)

How is he knowing where and when you are? You need to change that ASAP! Stop telling him anything about yourself!!… keep it to chat about the kids only… infact if youngest is 16 he can communicate with them directly!!…. So cut all contact with him!

Hes hanging back on the divorce because once all your kids are out of full time education he can screw you ober… be proactive @ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers , seek legal advice and get the divorce moving.

I’m 53 (F) and instigated divorce 5 years ago. We’d been married 23 years, with the last 10 being completely sexless. My husband was 10 years older than me and we just didn’t have that chemistry (plus, he was rubbish at it and not a man who knew how to provide affection - I was lonely in my marriage). I wasn’t attracted to him and realised, over the years, he was just a friend. In hindsight, I should’ve ended it a lot earlier but tried to keep it going (as you do).

Im desperately lonely. Having tried OLD for a couple of years, I’ve given up. I met a few (one stays in touch as a friend but that’s all it is) but no-one I liked. Not sure what the solution is. I have a good job, my own home and fairly attractive (for my age). My two children are both over 18 (and doing their own thing, my son has a steady girlfriend). Neither lives with me (stays occasionally). My parents and siblings are no longer with us, sadly, and my best friend died last year (cancer).

Not sure where these nice men are tbh!

Because he asks the kids. Equally he's installed a dash cam in the 'big car' (holds 7 instead of 4 and 'we' have 4 kids) which records the internal cabin conversations. He let this be known via a complex reason that I'll go into if anyone wants (but be aware he stalks me on Mumsnet).

Christ! Do you still share this car? I would be unplugging and turning the dash cam off! If it’s your car then why does he have access to it? If you’ve separated and it’s a joint car I’d suggest you sell these joint assets and half the money and buy your own car that he has no access to!
if you can’t afford to do that then 100% take the memory card out before using it/switch it off… have your own sd card you only use when you’re driving and take it out before he uses it!
coercive / controlling behaviour as well as stalking is illegal now so evidence everything!
Stop telling the kids where you’re going, just be vague like ‘I’m off out with friends’ if they ask who and where I’d be saying ‘I’m not going to tell you where or who anymore as I don’t want your father knowing my business/every move but don’t want to ask you not to tell him or have him putting pressure on you to tell him….. so for your sakes it’s easier for all if I keep my friendships and whereabouts to myself for now!

Also set yourself a new email address, change all your social media accounts to have the new email address as the password reset email, then change all passwords, close accounts and start a fresh if needs be, including mumsnet! New usernames etc.
Don't allow him any access (block his accounts and set everything to private!)
if he asks anything about your personal life simply tell him it’s no longer his business!

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