Women 50+ post divorce. Did you find 'true' love again or are you happy being single?

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

After 27 years of marriage, 34 of being together, 4 kids etc.... He found a Thai lady to replace us (me) with (told me on my birthday just to ensure that is ruined as well). I was devastated! 19 months on I'm still struggling. He seems to be dragging the divorce out and is very controlling with money and knowing where I am/when etc.

I was really looking forward to the last child (she's 16 and doing GCSEs) heading off to uni and us having more 'us' time and focusing on fun. Now I'm having to carve out a new future which is positively frightening.

At my mother's and older daughter's encouragement I did sign up to a couple of online dating sites ages ago. Sheesh! I've now cancelled all subscriptions. The online men out there seem to either want immediate meet ups (so presumably for sex) or a nurse for their old age. Instead I'm focusing on getting through this divorce and rebuilding a life for myself. BUT.....

My friends who have been through divorce seem to fall into two groups. Either very early on they fell into another relationship, which has (from the outside) never seems that healthy. Or they've become content with being single. The 'content with being single' group seem happier but I'm so scared of that option. The idea of not having someone out there see you as their world feels very lonely. Equally if you did find 'true' love again how the hell did you do it? The men online were positively slimly or narcissistic. One man messaged me, after looking at my profile picture, with the words "nice, when can we meet". Ummm never!

I split from my husband of 25 years and met the love of my life a few months after. We have more been together 4 and a half years.
It's never too late

I’m 52 & split with my ex 12 years ago. Lesbian so maybe slightly different, but love being single & can’t imagine ever wanting to live with anyone again.

As a PP said, I’ve built up a strong network of friends so plenty of company & people to do things with / call on if I really need help.

After 27 years together, 18 married I instigated a divorce. When the dust had settled I went online dating, not wanting anything serious as I was happy living on my own. Typically when you’re not really looking, I met someone lovely. We’re planning on moving in together. People say to be happy with your life as it is and meeting someone would be a bonus. This is exactly what happened with me. I’d have never believed it before. Just thought all those women who clicked with someone online dating were exceptionally lucky. Especially at my age 55. My boyfriend is 48. He wasn’t looking for anything serious either! So it can happen, there are good men out there online.

Love this. Pretty much what happened to me, and we are the same age. Delighted for you.

Emotionally stable women will often be happy single and just be looking for someone to share the life they’re happy with.

If you are ruling these out on this basis then be aware that is probably one of the reasons you’re ending up with emotionally unstable women (that lie, etc).

Perhaps time to speak to a therapist about why an emotionally stable and secure woman is not attractive to you or you’ll continue to make the same mistake over and over!

Not sure it’s super useful to make this a ‘man thing’. It’s a ‘human thing’ - I have single male friends and they experience the exact same challenges and frustrations with women on OLD as we do (yes, including oversexualised advances and nude pics without consent/request, I’ve seen the messages!)

I’ve been divorced almost 20 years. Didn’t date til my kids were older teens.

had FWBs in the meantime and then tried the dating sites. They were grim.

randomly met a bloke at work almost 6 years ago. We don’t live together yet but will do in the next 2-3 years.

PS. Wasn’t looking for anything serious and shagged him on tbd first date 🤣🤣🤣 and somehow here we are.

Of my 4 divorced women friends, two are miserable and very lonely and freely admit this. One has a new squeeze and seems happy and the other did have a new squeeze and seemed very happy for 6 months but it ended and she is in therapy. All in their fifties except one who is just past 60, all professionals. Two are on an extremely good wage.

The issue when you get to this age is assets as well as emotion, who wants to risk losing more assets.

Much like @LittleJustice but together 19 years and separated for 6. Met a (seemingly) very lovely man OLD and we’ve been going out for 9 months.

I was very clear and vocal! that I only wanted to have someone who could add to my life, which would be hard as I have lots of friends and hobbies plus a dog. I put that challenge out there fair and square.

Youngest DC off to Uni this year - I hadn’t planned on looking for someone until after then but friend set me up on Bumble (with my —drunken— consent 🙈) and as @Iluvmydog put it ‘and here we are…’ 😂

Good luck in finding whatever it is you are looking for 🤞

I was dumped after 27 years for “different things” as tough as it was it was the best thing that could have happened because only a few months later after a rough few dates with some weirdos and a few sweet but not my type men I met my now dh, we have a great life and with all dc finally left it’s just the 2 of us. I get on well with my dsds and vice versa but they know him as a friend not a step dad and dsd told me I’m so easy to talk to, more like a (much older) sister which I think is a compliment. Good men exist once you filter through the internet

Why do you keep saying it’s scary? I’ve been single for 14 years. OLD was a zoo so I just got on with life and lo and behold I’m perfectly happy being single. I’m open to meeting someone but it’s not my priority at all. It’s very early days for you. Reframe it: life isn’t scary it’s exciting.

wow, so many different perspectives. It's wonderful to hear you all! I'm heading to bed cos I've got a stomach ache but trust me I'll keep reading and they're really helping me.

Someone asked why I was scared, I suppose it's because I had a future and now it's just a big black hole that feels frightening. Admittedly at 19 months in the 'big black hole' is more like a solar eclipse with those sun flares, like fireworks, going off whenever I discover something new or realise I don't need approval or to ask anyone's opinion but I do miss being able to simply open up to that special someone.

I used to work in the city but after our 3rd was born and we realised they were all neurodivergent we decided that I would become a SAHM, which I've been for 19 years now. I used to be really 'powerful' and didn't spot just how much I've retreated into myself. The issue with potentially dating is that I simply replace what I've lost (an abusive relationship). I understand I need to love myself first to move on.

Ugh - but I miss that special friendship and wish I'd stop having sexual dreams about my ex (only started a few weeks ago)! Even in the dreams I'm saying to him, this is a one off you're not coming back so somewhere inside I'm moving on! 😂

Thank you ladies.

So, I dated casually for a while. It suited me, let me get the divorce (far from an easy one) out the way and to focus on my DC (my ex replaced me and also her very quickly by moving someone in and getting her pregnant). It also gave me time to work out who I really was after years of frankly not knowing.
Now....a good few years later, while it would be nice to have someone to do things with and have physical relationship with, I am not prepared to settle. If someone isn't going to make my life better, I'm not interested.

Not quite 50 but heading there. I am 44 and have been divorced 10 years, I have had a few short relationships which have all been disastrous mainly due to abuse and lies. I have come to the conclusion that I am happiest when I am single. I have friends, I have hobbies and I still have adult dc living at home, so my life is quite full but without the stress of a relationship. I would like to think I will bump into ‘the one’ one day, but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t. I can live a fulfilling life without a man by my side.

My dad + stepmum married 31 yrs ago, which means just after they both turned 52, they had 3 marriages previous combined. They only dated for about 1 yr before wedding.

I live far away so may have wrong picture... they seem well matched & mostly been happy. Big challenge now is my dad's declining health. I imagine it scares them both a lot.

My dad worries about me growing old alone while I worry about being encumbered with someone else's problems... my own problems are enough, thanks!!! I don't want to grow old worrying about someone else's death & declining health. My folks do seem frustrated with each other so aren't selling me on happily ever after. My grandparents were quite ratty with each other, I know so many long-married couples who loathe each other... Also know a few that genuinely still adore each other. I could give in to feelings if I developed them for someone else... but I'm long in tooth = I know such feelings fade, thus I'd probably find it easy to resist the feelings.

here is my view x

Your story sounds very much like mine, OP. When he decided that he had to leave, I was devastated and felt like I had nothing. I had to do something, I needed support! So I decided to make contacts on places like Meetup, so making friends with similar interests.

I was happy single, then my ex had a wobble, before dumping me again (and like you, on my birthday!) I felt I was at rock bottom again, so looked for a podcast and found the "How to get over your ex without it just taking time" by Dorothy Johnson, and it just revolutionised the way I dealt with the situation. Then I thought I could have my new life and a man, so tried dating. Didn't meet anyone awful, but felt like I wasn't ready, so came off Facebook Dating, then started dating a man I had been talking to at one of the Meetup groups, and we're now Civil partnered - and very happy!

I separated from my DDs father when they were quite young. I was 49. I left the UK and went home to Ireland. I reconciled with an ex that had been part of my life prior to exDH and children. We got married but separated a year ago and I’m single again at 58. I really don’t envisage having another relationship - I’m now completely risk averse and unwilling to make a large emotional investment. I’ve rebuilt my life. I’ve joined an art collective, made new friends (male and female), joined an online meditation group, qualified as an inner child regression therapist … traveled a lot with my sister and children. Life is what we make it 😊

I found the love of my life at 45, post divorce, and we are just as much in love now, 20 years later. So I would definitely think it would be possible at 50.

Slight caveat - it was my decision to split, but I had no intention of getting married again. I was looking for somebody, but not for marriage, or even to live with!

Divorced at 49. I've never bothered looking tbh. Now almost a decade later and my life is as full as I want it to be, work, see friends now and then, gym and a hobby and my lovely kids (at uni).

I'd never live with a man again or risk my financial future - everything I have is for my DC and I would not share/join my assets with anyone.

I don't get why you think that someone wanting to meet quickly means they are only looking for sex. They probably just want to make sure you're not a time waster looking for a pen pal.
Very dangerous to communicate too much before you actually meet someone: it can create the impression that you know them, when IRL you might be repulsed, so I would always be very quick to meet.

i’ve been happily separated just 2 years and loving being able to do what I want when I want. When married, my ow exH was the main bread winner & therefore felt he had a right to make all the decisions re financial priorities, holidays etc. I’m therefore enjoying my freedom & right now have no inclination to find another man - once beaten twice shy. Our twin daughters are at last year of uni so I al seeI have an empty nest but I feel it’s not thrr wet ir responsibility to look after me/keep me entertained etc. I work full time but in my spare time I volunteer at the local theatre, which allows me to watch lots of performances for free (with a varied type of genres. I also now enjoy doing stuff on my own (as I was nit given a choice before). This includes holidays, restaurants, cinema, etc. I do have friends but I don’t like making them feel obligated to do something they don’t like for my sake. I have a friend who found her ex’s affair very difficult to cope with but now thinks he did her a favour & is also enjoying her freedom. I’m sure you’ll get used to & eventually will enjoy being on your own.

I divorced at 42 and am now 65 and single.
I’ve had a couple of relationships of 2/3 years with perfectly nice blokes… but they weren’t “the one”.
I see friends and family in happy, stable long term marriages and relationships - enjoying retirement/moving overseas/travelling the world and, whilst I am travelling and would love to move overseas, I really miss having someone to share with.
Don’t get me wrong, 90% of the time I’m very happy in my own space … but I just don’t have the energy to go through everything needed to get to that happy stable state. So nothing changes 🙄

Age is not just a number, but tbh it ideally is an advantage. You didn’t come off the Christmas tree yesterday. You are in control of whether you message anyone, meet anyone, or see anyone.

I think that the fact your h is dragging out the divorce and wanting to know where you are etc is making this pretty impossible. How can you feel content or ready to meet someone else while he’s still squatting in your life?

I would go and get some therapy, as well as a shit hot lawyer. Then…

I was widowed at 49. I had a fairly crazy two years which I won’t trouble you with, but I also had some really good therapy. At 51 I met dp, and yes it was online. But that really isn’t a huge deal - it’s just a way to meet someone. A bit like going into a huge, not very nice nightclub - it may be a dive but there’s still the occasional person in there you might actually want to spend time with. Once I had a video call with dp, I knew for sure that something would happen with us. That was 5 years ago and we’re getting married next year.

You probably should let this test for a little while. Firstly because you say you are still affected by the breakup. Secondly, be abuse your attitude seems to be impacted by this.
Most of us who are like to dating prefer to meet men as soon as possible. The most common problems with OLD are not sex pests, they are pen pals who wrote for weeks and never move forward. So when aan asks to meet me early. I don't think "he wants sex", I think "finally, an adult in the room who is capable of making plans". I met my current bloke four days after matching with him so we probably arranged a date after five messages or so.
Similarly men who look like they want a nurse. How do you know that of you haven't even talked to them?
All this tells me you are not ready to date just now. And that's perfectly fine. There is absolutely no rush!