Women 50+ post divorce. Did you find 'true' love again or are you happy being single?

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

After 27 years of marriage, 34 of being together, 4 kids etc.... He found a Thai lady to replace us (me) with (told me on my birthday just to ensure that is ruined as well). I was devastated! 19 months on I'm still struggling. He seems to be dragging the divorce out and is very controlling with money and knowing where I am/when etc.

I was really looking forward to the last child (she's 16 and doing GCSEs) heading off to uni and us having more 'us' time and focusing on fun. Now I'm having to carve out a new future which is positively frightening.

At my mother's and older daughter's encouragement I did sign up to a couple of online dating sites ages ago. Sheesh! I've now cancelled all subscriptions. The online men out there seem to either want immediate meet ups (so presumably for sex) or a nurse for their old age. Instead I'm focusing on getting through this divorce and rebuilding a life for myself. BUT.....

My friends who have been through divorce seem to fall into two groups. Either very early on they fell into another relationship, which has (from the outside) never seems that healthy. Or they've become content with being single. The 'content with being single' group seem happier but I'm so scared of that option. The idea of not having someone out there see you as their world feels very lonely. Equally if you did find 'true' love again how the hell did you do it? The men online were positively slimly or narcissistic. One man messaged me, after looking at my profile picture, with the words "nice, when can we meet". Ummm never!

No advice. But sending love.

Actually I do have advice. Create your own happiness. Learn to not depend on a partner for happiness.

And if someone comes along and falls into place, then that is lovely 💞

@Owlmoonstar agreed, but it sure does feel scary.

I'm ok with being single, I could be in a relationship I think but not a very good one. I'm still potentially open to meeting someone but I don't expect it or build my hopes on it.

I had some reconnections with men I knew when I was younger at uni and so on but while they seemed to like me and enjoy my company if they were decent, intelligent, gainfully employed, still somewhat attractive and otherwise not a liability they were still playing the field with an eye to someone younger. Women their own age seemed to be place markers.

Men who did seem more interested where often liabilities in some way or another, often multiple ways and at times I felt more interested in the security they hoped I might give them without any real plans or efforts to contribute to that themselves.

Older men are also interested but there was always just such a big difference in health and energy and I don't want to be slowed down at this stage my someone who is ready for another chapter of life.

My advice is to build a life you want and if you want to date and meet someone then stay open to that but don't make finding a man the lynch pin of your new life, that's where you belong.

I’m now 59 and divorced 11 yrs ago. I met 2 men in the first 4 years both who turned out to not be who they claimed. I’ve given up and am happily single now and no plans to change that. I never lived with either of them tho thankfully.

I've done the "content with being single" since 2017 and for the most part it has been great. Complete freedom to eat what I want, watch what I want, cook what I want, listen to what I want, holiday where I want, decorate the house how I want.

Ds will leave for uni in September, and I'm already booking activities and classes so I have more opportunity to meet people. I won't do OLD because it's a total zoo, but I won't be sitting in my kitchen feeling lonely either. I am open to dating and a new relationship if someone should come along.

I shall take it as it comes. Life is good now, a relationship would be nice but is not essential.

You're all echoing my findings. But it is a scary prospect. Time for big girl pants!

To add a different perspective, im male mid 50s, have met a few nice women, some carry their baggage front and centre, some have it neatly stacked- I’ve been dating a woman who it turns out keeps lying ( see thread) so that will end soon
ive meet women who are completely happy being single and given off that vibe- which made we wonder why they was even talking to me
met only lady who was clearly not over her divorce and kept bad mouthing her exH

just be open minded and grow a thick skin and you will be fine- not sure about “love” that takes time to develop

I was in a very similar situation - together 32 years, married for 30. I chose to end the marriage at 50, and spent about 18 months making my own home and enjoying my freedom to choose - well everything really.

I didn't feel I 'needed' a man, but I did miss having someone to do the mundane things with. Silly things like having someone to sit and drink coffee and watch the world go by with, or to share the news from my day without feeling I was imposing on friends and family.

I joined an online dating site, which no longer exists, and was clear in my own mind about what I was looking for. I actually made a long list of things I would like, then from that made a short list of 6 essentials and only considered men who met those 6 criteria. I was realistic - ie he had to be solvent, but not a millionaire (although that would have been nice!)

Then I spent a lot of time checking in on the site, to maximise the chances of spotting someone new and interesting. I was contacted by a lot of obvious hook-up wannabes, lots who I was simply not interested in, and 13 who I actually met up with. Some of those contacted me, some I made contact with first. 11 of those went no further, 1 was a short term relationship with a guy who in retrospect had some serious issues, and number 13 is my husband of 6 years, together for 12.

I was actually the first person who contacted him. He is truly wonderful. My adult children and small grandchildren adore him, my friends and family all agree he is lovely and we are very, very happy together. So it can happen, and I really hope it does for you, if that is what you want.

I echo all the above.

How do you spend your current free time? What do you enjoy doing?

Like being single. Work full-time in a job I love, I spend my time with my dog, helping out various family members, meetings friends and family for coffee, lunch,cinema. Have DGD few time a month, love being able to do everything without answering to anyone. @ SatelliteSpaceman it always put me off when men complained about their ex's, we are all someone's ex, how difficult is it to just zip it ?

I'm very happily single.

Light a fire under your solicitor - your ex needs to understand that he has no right to know your whereabouts, etc. A cease and desist letter is in order, to create a paper trail for a charge of stalking.

Get your solicitor to hurry up the proceedings. Your ex is stalling because he won't have to pay child support once your youngest turns 18.

Get counseling to help you cope with the fear.

ive meet women who are completely happy being single and given off that vibe- which made we wonder why they was even talking to me

What an odd thing to think, @SatelliteSpaceman -- why would you want to be approached only by the unhappily single, especially as you seem so attuned to their 'baggage'?

I assume that happily single women are chatting to you in case you might be someone who would add value to an already good life. Does it threaten you that they're going to have high standards and a fully functional bullshit detector?

I ended a marriage of 32 years and took a little while to find myself I guess whilst I'm very happy being single I do like having a partner. I actually found my current man through tinder we've been together just over a year and he ticks every box for me.

For me I guess it's like having a best friend who is male and we do lots of stuff together we both have the same interests so he loves the theatre the cinema the same kind of music as I do traveling and that's what we do together.

I still have my youngest son at home for the next four years so there will be no possibility of us living together at this stage but I actually really enjoy what we have which is dating in the week so theatre, gig, cinema, nice meal etc and then we spend one day and night of the weekend together at his flat.

Everyone I’ve spoken to or met has been via OLD sites - so they are clearly open to meeting people- but they put across an I’m happy single vibe - that it did make me wonder why they were on there 🤷🏻

Having standards is key - I certainly need those

After DH died I spent a while focussing on teen DCs. Started going out with friends to theatre or concerts, especially ballet. Soon I was going by myself when friends not available.

Then about 2 yrs ago I got 'picked up' by a woman. There is no other way to describe it. I was played but apart from a few meals out or a hotel bill It didn't cost me much. Mainly it was fun. I have tried to blank out the men, especially the ones who fancied my house.
Yes it's all a bit bleak out there to be middle aged and single. I decided I just had to get on with life. Recently I met another woman and we date every week.
Try a month or two of not saying 'no' unless there is an obvious risk.

I really hope everything works out for you and I'm sorry this happened. What a bastard.

Divorce after 23 years at 50. Had a 2 year relationship afterwards which I now realise was a rebound and had I been in a better headspace, I wouldn’t have touched him with a 10 foot pole

Dabbled on and off with OLD but didn’t find it an enjoyable experience tbh and the men I’ve met in the wild seem to have more baggage than Gatwick,

So happily single 6 years now and genuinely don’t miss a thing. The key for me is having a good friendship group and living my own peace.

People can be happily single but still open to meeting g someone who will add to their already good lives.

Being happily single doesn’t necessarily mean being closed to having a relationship but it’s got to be a positive one. It’s about being in the space where a partner is an optional extra rather than a necessity

I don't think I would marry again if I found myself single. From what I hear, online dating for women at that age can be really rough. I think better to throw yourself into activities with like minded people (am dram, walking, church, single friendly holidays etc. do a shift at your local pub just to meet people in the community), make new friends and if you meet someone in real life, that's a happy bonus.

I'm 38, single for 10 years and no plans to change that!

But I have a great network of family and friends.

Which some men find incredibly threatening -- the idea that they're not needed to fill a gaping hole, but are being auditioned by someone who is already happy and fulfilled to see if they're going to add to it. I suspect it's because that person is going to have far higher standards rather than 'any port in a storm'.

Try approaching dating a different way. Instead of trying to find the 'one' see it as meeting new people, trying new things and seeing what happens. Your divorce is still recent compared to how long you were together and it sounds like your ex was abusive. Youre having to find yourself again. Work out what you like, or dont like, as opposed to we. See it as youve been given your freedom back. Its ok to be scared about the future and what it may hold. But if you want to meet someone, you can't uber eats the perfect man to your house unfortunately. He wont randomly knock your door. Get out there. Get your friends together and try going out a couple of times a month or whatever. But the main thing is to work on loving yourself first. Process and heal from what your ex put you through so you dont take old wounds with you. Youre not even 2 years on from this so go at your own pace. Youve had a lifetime of being dictated to from the sounds of it, theres a certain freedom in not having to consider anyone else and being selfish for a change xx

Id rather not be single, but I've had no luck in finding someone. Sorry, that's not very helpful.

I’m younger (35). But I’ve been single 7 years, most of the people in relationships around me aren’t ones I would want for myself tbh. Sex occasionally would be nice but ultimately to me it isn’t worth all the other nonsense which goes with it.

Yes I did.