Women 50+ post divorce. Did you find 'true' love again or are you happy being single?

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

After 27 years of marriage, 34 of being together, 4 kids etc.... He found a Thai lady to replace us (me) with (told me on my birthday just to ensure that is ruined as well). I was devastated! 19 months on I'm still struggling. He seems to be dragging the divorce out and is very controlling with money and knowing where I am/when etc.

I was really looking forward to the last child (she's 16 and doing GCSEs) heading off to uni and us having more 'us' time and focusing on fun. Now I'm having to carve out a new future which is positively frightening.

At my mother's and older daughter's encouragement I did sign up to a couple of online dating sites ages ago. Sheesh! I've now cancelled all subscriptions. The online men out there seem to either want immediate meet ups (so presumably for sex) or a nurse for their old age. Instead I'm focusing on getting through this divorce and rebuilding a life for myself. BUT.....

My friends who have been through divorce seem to fall into two groups. Either very early on they fell into another relationship, which has (from the outside) never seems that healthy. Or they've become content with being single. The 'content with being single' group seem happier but I'm so scared of that option. The idea of not having someone out there see you as their world feels very lonely. Equally if you did find 'true' love again how the hell did you do it? The men online were positively slimly or narcissistic. One man messaged me, after looking at my profile picture, with the words "nice, when can we meet". Ummm never!

It’s early days for you especially as the divorce isn’t finalised.
It took me about 7 years before I finally realised I am actually happy being single.
We are conditioned to believe we need a man to complete us and it really isn’t true.
There is so much happiness is having your own space, making your own choices, never being able to be catastrophically let down by someone again.
I would never get married or live with a man now.

So happily single 6 years now and genuinely don’t miss a thing. The key for me is having a good friendship group and living my own peace.

I think the good friendship group is so important but it can be so very hard to create this, and it can seem that everyone around you is married or in a relationship. I work with a lovely 54 yr old lady, newly divorced, and what she’d like more than anything is a group of single friends. Tricky.

I’m very happily single. I will never be in a romantic relationship ever again.

Some people are much happier sharing their lives with a significant partner. Others, like me, prefer to live and travel through life without one.

Same here. 22 years married, 3.5 years separated and half way through divorce. Never thought I’d be here but very, very happily single and not remotely interested in being in another relationship ever again.

I’m separated 10 , was on & off old for years, zero notion of going back on it being honest 🤷🏻‍♀️.
50 now .
I was seeing people here & there , met some lovely guys, some not so great, Never met my person at the same time .
It has to be all right for me , I will never settle ..
To answer your question, no I’m sick of being single , but remain hopeful that It will happen for me 🤞😊

Married 29 years. Never happier since the lying cheating piece of trash took itself out 16 years back. Was all very traumatic at the time (took 2 years for the adrenaline to stop pumping ) so I know all too well how it feels OP. 10 years to get my finances stabilised (twat left loads of debts on joint cards and wasn’t traceable as the narcissistic POS went to ground) BUT I’m living a happy life now and it’s possible to thrive without a partner. Trust me. He did me a big favour fucking off.

When I became single all of my friends were in couples and were happy to go out 4 times a year. So I looked at something I always enjoyed - which for me is house music - and used social media to look for events. I started joining online groups, went to a few events on my own which was hard but got easier and started chatting to other ladies I saw there

And by doing this I made a lot of single friends who shared my interest. I’ve now been on holidays abroad with 4 different friends from this new group, had several weekends away and got to develop real friendships away from the music

It isn’t easy but honestly it’s worth taking those steps and pushing yourself to get out there.

The company is nice but you can have a boyfriend or a few ( 😉) without committing to a full on relationship. I would not like the drama of mixed families and all that stuff we do not like about man like sharing toilets. So fun only with someone who share your likes and dislikes.

I've been single like since "forever" and I'm in my early 60s now.
I think we are often sold a lie via advertising and other media that we must be in a romantic relationship to be happy/ fulfilled etc.
There are loads of other kinds of relationships that can be happy and fulfilling in different ways ( albeit no sex!). I think maybe as a single person you may have to work a bit harder to find your "tribe" of people that you relate well to and that you support and they support you, but it can be done.
In your situation my advice for now would be to work on yourself. Who are you now and what do you want out of your next phase of life. How can you build your self confidence again? Maybe even get some counselling or therapy to explore your world post-divorce and process what has happened, how you see yourself and where you want to go next. Then see if you want to actively seek a new partner. Make it a choice from a strong position of knowing yourself well in this new life phase, rather than from a place of "it feels scary not to have a partner".

As is so often the way, the first post nails it.

I didn't look for "true love" after my ex and I separated (we're not divorced, over 20 years later!) and am very content living alone. I don't think I was made to share my life with someone else tbh.

You do need to create your own happiness rather than looking for someone else to provide it, and as that poster said if someone comes along it's a bonus - as long as you don't settle just because you think you "should" have a partner.

About 6months after my husband died (15yrs ago) I joined a local choir. This choir travels to sing abroad every 2yrs and by joining one of those trips I made good friends with a small group of like-minded women - we now do lots of other things together like cinema, theatre, galleries. I joined a Local Authority run (low cost) fitness class, v beneficial healthwise, & I made another friend who introduced me to the local Arts Society (used to be called NADFASS) and to a local History Lecture club, which led to yet another local group I'm involved with. I've been on several holidays with Companies who specialise in women travelling alone and have met many lovely & splendid people. I've built a single life after 42years living as a couple. It was lonely at first and scary at times (electricity outtages; water-leaks; roof issues; downsizing). But now I'm happy and settled in my very nice life and I consider myself fortunate.
For a while I tried OLD on a site now defunct. It was pretty dispiriting. My (-ve) experiences echo those of previous PPs. So I gave up.

Years have gone by and now it would have to be a pretty special old bugger who I'd actually cross the street for.

This has resonated with me, finding the future not scary exactly but just sort of disconcerting as it is unplanned, unknown and different to what you envisaged when married. My experience is very similar to yours OP, after 15+ years of marriage my DH also found a younger replacement, telling me a couple of days after my birthday too. I was mid-50s then and I’m 60 now. Our youngest is about to go to Uni in October this year, and once that happens I've no idea what my future holds.

I sort of fall into your fist group of people who did meet some-one quickly, a widower through online dating who I still see at weekends. Whilst that has definitely brought some companionship, it doesn’t magically remove the loneliness or provide a retirement plan. The reality is complicated as he has a dependent depressed and anxious adult child permanently living at home, who can only be left alone for short periods and needs continuity and routine. So realistically living together at any point would be incredibly difficult and I also wonder how adaptable we both are to that kind of upheaval in our 60s given our separate households and possessions.
So the future is unknown and you have to learn to embrace that I think. Realistically companionship can’t come only from a romantic partner, so to adapt after a long marriage many of us probably simply need more single friends to do things with.…maybe we should share areas of the country (I am South East) and arrange meet-ups for women in their 50s and 60s whose long marriages didn’t work out -just to feel you’re not alone!

Divorced at 33, stayed single but made new friends, one of those became my 2nd husband (I was 51 and he was 66 when we married). Very happy together for 6 1/2 years, then he died of lung cancer (his parents were chain smokers back in the day) and I have no interest in looking at re-partnering AT ALL.

A group of us women are friends and maintain contact with each other for social and safety matters. Otherwise I am happy alone.

Sat@SatelliteSpacemanI thought that too - perfectly good in fact desirable to be happy single but interested in meeting new people who might develop into romantic interest or even a friend - @SatelliteSpaceman are you only looking for someone who is unhappy single and desparately wants a quick commitment, move in etc - because chances are if you do you may well hit those with more issues - the same applies in reverse too - worth thinking about - it is it that when you meet they aren’t interested in you because if so that’s not necessarily happy being single- it’s that they don’t want a relationship with you

Finding yourself single in your 40s/50s is tough. I was there. I had to rebuild my life again from the bottom up - I had no friends, no self-worth, I didn't even know what I should eat or watch on TV after being married to a man that controlled everything. It's not easy. I joined every meet-up group going, took classes, anything to meet people and get out of the house. Some friendships fell by the wayside, others have become my tribe. And I also met someone - in real life, not on a dating app and we've been together for years now. My hasn't turned out the way I thought it would, but it is possible to start again. I wish you well 💐

Edited to add: I had lots of counselling too to come to terms with the unexpected end of my marriage. Talk to your GP if you think you would benefit from it, I had so much trauma after my marriage ended.

Divorced and very happy in new relationship.. just so you know it can happen

I may have to separate form my husabnd and I dont want to. we didnt have issues between us really and didnt fall out of love. I got mentally unwell and it was horrific and too much for him. we loved each other so very much. everyone says I should leave and we should live apart but it doesnt seem right.

I know I will never be with another man again if we separate.

I didint even see the mental illness coming ready or not to this extent. I had psychosis and lost everythign about me and lost my whole lief. I cant really build a new life becasue I cant do the things I loved to do befroe.

I was v happy single and as I said previously on the thread that if I did meet someone they’d have to add to my life (which was v full). The guy I met OLD I sent this to after a week of meeting 😂. I’d already said to him that someone had to add to my life and recognised that was a big ask - so I’d say set your expectations/standards and don’t waver!

Luckily he stepped up to the challenge and are having a fab time 9 months later 😊

I can honestly say that if I got divorced, and it’s quite likely, that I would never want a man in my life again.

25 year relationship ended 10 years ago. I've been single ever since. I was scared of being on my own at the start but I'm now very content.

I get moments when I think it would be nice to have someone to share things with, get support from etc. But overall being on my own outweighs that massively. I enjoy the freedom and not having to compromise.

Quite the opposite really- I’m looking for someone happy in their own life as I am , but wants to to add toand share mine.

But it’s hard to articulate- I’ve met some women like that via OLD and they seem very “closed” - maybe they just didn’t like me - or there was just no connection ( either way)
but I’m in no hurry- I’ve no plans to move in ( or move anyone in ) but some company for nights in , tge pictures , the theatre and holidays etc would be fantastic addition for me

It shouldn't be hard. My friends are a mix of singles and couples. Even couples in their 40s and 50s are fairly sociable. Kids are (mostly) grown and they pretty much are available most of the time. It's just that they lost the friendship muscle somewhere along the journey of rising young kids when all they did was socialise with other couples and parents. I regularly go away with a group of married women.
Granted, my single friends are more up for going out in the evenings. But that's where it is good to have a mixture. All my friends are from different groups and stages in my life. They don't necessarily know each other so I have quite a few options to pick from if I want to arrange to meet someone. Not to mention simply calling someone for a chat.

@SatelliteSpaceman I suspect that’s what many of these women want too , but unfortunately just didn’t click with you or possibly were not attracted to you - sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick, sounded a lot like you wanted someone unhappily single and desparate for full on commitment.

me too, married twice plus one live in of 4 years - enough really to show me that I think if in a relationship most women end up coming ‘second’ but doing all the drudgery- I’m 64 now and women my age that I know mainly say the same - the only 2 I know who don’t are with odd blokes , one who is mean as shit but does a lot domestically, the other is with a hen pecked weirdo ( but he’s loaded) so there’s that

I've been single for 9 years now (I'm 56). I find that the more time passes, the less I want to be with someone. I have my life set up exactly as I want it. I don't have the time, motivation, energy or emotional head space to even contemplate a relationship.

Does this make me "happily single"? I would say more, a contented single. I wouldn't necessarily have "chosen" single life but it works for me. Realistically it's not going to happen for me now anyway. My trust in men has never been lower and the idea of having sex actually horrifies me now! On the whole I don't find men my age (or older) particularly attractive, I'm not particularly attractive either so a man my age who was attractive could do better than me! Not interested in going younger. So who does that leave?

There are negatives to staying single, but there would be negatives to a relationship too. On balance, I prefer to stay as I am.