DH and woman friend/colleague, am I being naive or paranoid?

[Mybloodyvalentine2]

Last year a woman joined DH’s workplace, they quickly became good friends and work closely together. No issue with that, DH always been very sociable.
But at the last few work dos I joined him at I saw for myself their relationship - the easy laughter, closeness, banter and how they just ‘get’ each other. If I’m honest, that really hurt. As did a jokey comment at the Christmas party from another colleague about their workwife/husband vibe which DH quickly laughed off.
After this party I peeked at his phone (I know) and saw a few longish calls and many texts between them going back over months. There was nothing sexual but there was an intimacy of a different kind, lively, lovely fun messages, sharing things to make each other laugh, witty little comments he’d make. All non-work. Often sent when I was out (I work 4 evening shifts) or asleep.
What particularly got me was he hadn’t been honest about some things that I’d asked him about. Nothing huge but like when he’d been away for a work thing in November and I’d asked who with (it had been with her and 2 others) but he said she wasn’t there.
I confronted him and he was furious that I’d looked and read messages. I get it but all my concerns were completely ignored, and became all about me in the wrong for invading his privacy. He didn’t talk to me the next day. He then said he’d lied because while it was innocent he would have got grief from me again.
This was a month ago and things are sort of calmer but he refuses to talk about it as it’s all completely innocent and it’s my issue.
I haven’t snooped again and won’t, mainly because I feel ashamed that I did but because it upset me so much I don’t want to go there again if there are more.
Am I being overly jealous or naive? Because he’s lied about the little things I don’t know anymore and I’m beginning to mistrust and resent him which he says is completely unfair when he’s done nothing wrong. We’ve been married for 17 years, 2 older teens. She’s married with dc too.

I have no interest at all, in telling the OP she is ‘wrong’. Why would I? I’m engaging with other posters, not the OP, who think that male-female friendships only happen when a man wants to sleep with the woman, or wishes he could, or that emotional intimacy should be reserved for a spouse. Both of which assertions I think are nonsense.

You posts indicate you seem very certain about what other Mumsnetters think, how they behave, and the way their friendships operate @AllMyPunySorrows Sweeping generalisations about large groups are never very accurate, I find.

If your friendships with men involve the type of communication and surreptitious behaviour that the OP describes and your DH is OK with that then crack on. Many married couples, men as well as women, would have a problem with it.

'If your friendships with men involve the type of communication and surreptitious behaviour that the OP describes and your DH is OK with that then crack on. Many married couples, men as well as women, would have a problem with it.'

This. Once again friends are ok, all lovely and normal. Messaging secretly once the spouse is in bed and oversharing intimate/emotions info is not ok.

DH and I both have colleagues/friends at work. We don’t message outside work hardly at all. Messages we do send go to several colleagues at a time. This is at least an emotional affair. I’m sorry. Neither of us prioritise one person at work to have special little jokes with. He’s jeopardising his marriage. Stupid fool.

I hope you go to the next work social. As hard as it might be don't say anything to her, don't demean yourself. However, before you go ask your husband to seriously think about how he will behave especially as he says he loves you and wants things to be good between you. This is his chance to show you who is the most important.
If he doesn't come up to scratch go fucking ballistic! He's taking a massive gamble.

Hey op. Ive just been through this. Your post and what's written was me this time last year when it started. How it started how i felt. Then it got worse and worse. Have a search for my latest post. All the posters are correct in what they are saying when they are saying EA and wrong. Please please dont ignore your feelings on this one. They all follow the same script when something wrong is going on. Defensive and diverting is a red flag. I got the same. Eventually it led to more boundaries crossed, flirting more then sexting photos being exchanged and definitely EA. Its definitely out of order what hes doing. You have to be strong and say you will not tolerate it. I wish I had been more strong, and maybe I could of stopped it getting worse. But he didnt care he got so defensive with me its been awful. But it was my husbands choice to carry on and damage our marriage. I really hope yours dossnt 🫂🫂🫂

Oh yes they do this my husbands did this. Downplay things. Mine actually messaged me. She had the the audacity to tell me to grow up and even called me a "child" for having an issue over a "friendship" when she knew what she was doing and i had evidence. Horrible behaviour.

When you meet her at the social, ask her jokingly what her DH thinks of her being known as the "work-wife" of your DH. I doubt she'll laugh that off, especially if her DH is in attendance too.
Like most have said, this smells wrong and needs flushing out quickly or it will be a full blown affair, if it's not already.
As for snooping in his phone, don't feel bad about that as what he's doing is much worse

He lied when he told you she wasn’t at an event. And he messages her at night when you aren’t around.
He is dishonest and I would be getting some legal advice. I don’t think you can trust him.