Online dating is killing me!

[Lifegoeson2025]

Husband left 9 months ago suddenly. Got with colleague 10 days later. 17 years together, married, 2 children, gone just like that. Destroyed me.

Anyways, tried online dating, had one date, no spark, all good. BUT what kills me every single time is when someone shows an interest, you feel a connection, they suggest meeting up and then suddenly that’s it, they stop texting. Of course, I shrug off a lot because the connection just isn’t there, but I find it so hard when someone seems so genuine and can’t be honest. Why can’t they just say they’re not interested, met someone else etc.

It kills me every time and I know that sounds ridiculous. I suppose I’m still a little fragile from the split and feel completely rejected. I’m trying to toughen up but it bothers me every time.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you deal with it?

I know this sounds ridiculous 😩

This is not meant to sound judgemental but I think at 9 months you should concentrate on yourself, healing, and finding peace and strength within. You are allowing your feeling of self worth to be dictated, or at least influenced, by other men.
I am sorry about the break up. Men are pigs.

I think OLD is not for the faint hearted. I would gently suggest that maybe you are not ready if you are being hurt by someone not responding to a message. This seems to be part and parcel of the whole thing.

You need to develop some kind of teflon coat and not take anything to seriously until you have actually met in person. In my experience messaging means nothing until after you have met up.

It is really difficult and can be quite brutal to the novice.

Online dating is toxic and miserable at the best of times, but having just been through what you've been through I can't imagine anything worse. It might be a better long term plan to focus on finding things you enjoy doing... New hobbies etc, where you might meet someone like-minded at some point and hit it off organically.

@MiddleChildX
Thank you so much. I agree with you and really appreciate your advice. I think I needed to hear it from someone else x

@surrealpotato
Thank you so much, you’re right. I just keep thinking I’m 45 and running out of time! Sounds stupid I know.

@PeeledOranges
messaging really doesn’t mean anything, as I’m finding out the hard way 😩 Working on that Teflon coat 😩

Maybe it's a sign you need to take a bit more time to heal.

OLD is hard slog at the best of times and when you're already feeling bruised and fragile it's probably not going to do you any favours.

So sorry about your ex, what a turd.

Running out of time for what? Agree with other posters - if you still feel sore and fragile then spend time with your family and heal and return to it another time. You don't have anything to prove to him.

Running out of time for what, specifically?

Some studies consistently showed the happiest section of society by far are single, childfree women.

Only consider allowing a man to date you if he will massively enhance every aspect of your life and make it easier and fun. That's the lone reason to ever date a man.

Work on your self esteem, financial and housing freedom, enjoy the sheer bliss of not having some bloke in your house. Enjoy doing things you love, and only then, consider if you really want to date a man.

Use the time to go and do things you enjoy or fancy doing. I did OLD yonks ago and found it was ultimately a waste a time. Stopped actively looking. Met DP via a mutual friend having been single for a long time.

Like everyone though I know of several couples, some now married, who met via OLD.

You're grieving the loss of your marriage due to the sudden end to it.

Are you sure this is the right time to be dating, let alone online dating which can be brutal?

I'd give yourself far more time and space to get used to being alone and eventually learning to be happy with it.

When you're happy and independent, that's the best time to give dating a go if you still want to.

I found my partner kinda through online dating. Was actually on a date with a man from online and that's when my now partner approached "us" (me) to sit and chat. 🤣 Been together nearly 2 years now. Dont stress about it though online dating is rough

You're not ready to date yet, I don't think. I highly recommend joining Burned Haystack Dating Method Facebook group, before you go anywhere near the apps.

You have had children, that’s the one time people can worry about running out of time.

My DS did online dating as did a male colleague of mine and also women friends. I haven’t had to stick my toe in to the swampy mire of online dating but have been close enough to a few people for them to ask my opinion and I helped a few write their profiles.

It is a brutal numbers game, there is no way a way a connection should be that strong from a few messages that you are getting upset and panicking. I do not think your ready to date. DS mate was chatting to 21 women on a dating app at one point. I asked him if he had a spreadsheet. It is choices isn’t it, I would be ok enough with a margarita pizza but if a ham and mushroom was suddenly available I would change my mind. It’s a simple as that unfortunately.

@PauliesWalnuts
I feel that at 45 maybe it will be too late to find someone. I know I don’t NEED to be with someone and I don’t feel lonely at all, but it would be nice. Life with my two children is good x

Online dating can be brutal for sure.

My advice to anyone is to only entertain OLD when you are in a great place yourself mentally and physically.

ie, you're settled, kids (if you have them) happy/content and you are NOT feeling lonely.

If you're happy - you will come across better to potential matches - and If you're happy and knocks (there will be many) will be easier to shrug off.

And - no 45 isn't too late at all.

@Sanasaaa
In many ways, life is good without him in the house. Life is peaceful for me and my children, but I guess I’m still grieving such a massive loss.
I have re-joined the gym which I’m loving and feel good doing something for myself.

@wheelywheelynice
What is that?

@OhBumBags
Thank you, I think you’re right x

I agree, it's awful out there . Please let yourself mend and give yourself a break from men and their shit

@DatingDelete
I love how you explained that, you’re so right!

@GreenJeIIy
i think a break is what I need, really appreciate your advice x

@Deliberations
Thank you so much x

Also, men fall for what women look like, and women fall for what we hear. Neither is good for OLD

I went through something similar with my ex. After two years of being single, I dipped my toe back in, but I don’t think I was in the right headspace yet. I ended up meeting someone truly awful — someone I’d never normally have given the time of day.
A couple of months later, I went back on the app, matched with someone I instantly liked, and now, 10 months on, we’re still together. He’s honestly the best thing that could have happened to me.
What’s happened to you is awful and completely undeserved. But karma has a way of coming around. When the time is right, you’ll meet someone who makes you happy and treats you exactly as you deserve.
Big hugs xx