Online dating is killing me!

[Lifegoeson2025]

Husband left 9 months ago suddenly. Got with colleague 10 days later. 17 years together, married, 2 children, gone just like that. Destroyed me.

Anyways, tried online dating, had one date, no spark, all good. BUT what kills me every single time is when someone shows an interest, you feel a connection, they suggest meeting up and then suddenly that’s it, they stop texting. Of course, I shrug off a lot because the connection just isn’t there, but I find it so hard when someone seems so genuine and can’t be honest. Why can’t they just say they’re not interested, met someone else etc.

It kills me every time and I know that sounds ridiculous. I suppose I’m still a little fragile from the split and feel completely rejected. I’m trying to toughen up but it bothers me every time.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you deal with it?

I know this sounds ridiculous 😩

Oh - I read this and my heart went out to you op.

You aren't ready. You are still in the completely heartbroken stage of grief.

I do think it's really good to try and make small steps to a new life but how about making them more low key and positive - so - a new hobby/ club/ choir/ crochet/ local meet ups / try something totally random

tell friends to invite you on fun outings and introduce you to new people

You have to have an extremely tough skin for online dating. Bullshit phaser set to stun at all times. Maybe as previous posters have said concentrate on yourself for a bit x do something you really enjoy x it does get better.... eventually x

You aren't too old and it isn't too late

Go and strengthen yourself as a person having some new experiences, built your confidence and you could go back to online dating later

I get it when your ex has moved on your ego is crushed. But you can meet a good man ANYTIME in your life - 48/49/50. - my MIL keeps getting new boyfriends in her 70s! she is having a right laugh

You are coming at it from a point of desperation and sadness and you won't make healthy decisions.

@Retro12
I love your story and it’s great to hear you’re happy. Really appreciate your advice ❤️

@shellyleppard
Thank you for your advice. Really appreciate it x

Hi @Lifegoeson2025 - I do understand. Your partner basically buggered off and immediately set up his new life complete with gf. It feels like such a rejection and you want to even things up - why should he be all happy and in a lovely relationship when he has completely shit on you.
I'm in a similar position but I do urge you to slow down a little. You are really young and rebuilding your life without your ex takes time. Rebuilding yourself and your confidence can take much longer.
Saying that there is nothing wrong with wanting to find a romantic interest and have something fun to enjoy. Just protect your heart and don't lean on OLD as the only way forward.

@waterrat
Thank you for your advice. You are absolutely right x

So true!

I sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation, it’s rubbish! Really appreciate your advice and completely agree with what you and everyone else on here is saying.

I listen to a lot of my work colleagues (male and female, usually 20s and 30s) discussing their online dating. Most of them are messaging multiple people at a time, and will have more than one date a week with different people.

And then if they click with or prefer someone they’ve met, they’ll stop messaging or pull back (slow fade) from everyone else.
That’s just how it is.
If you don’t want to experience that (personally, I wouldn’t), then online dating isn’t for you

I did OLD just under six months after the relationship ending.

I just thought, why wait and thankfully met DH not long after.

I did go through the obligatory frogs but thought if a "normal" person like me is on there, there must be the male equivalent too. I just had to be patient.

Just don't take it personally if it's a No and don't settle for less either.

All that is leading you closer to the right one. Good luck.

@FlowersforyourchocolateprettypleaseThank you x

Reframe your thinking around that. These are the thoughts that help me, personally.

• I can't develop a connection with someone I haven't even met in person. "Nice to chat with" isn't a sign of compatibility.
• I can't be rejected by someone who doesn't know me
• They disappeared early and without warning? It's a win for me because I don't want a relationship with someone who can do that. So, thank you for saving me time. Next!

Repeat until it becomes second nature.

And 45 is not late to meet someone. I am 42 and just starting to date after a relationship ending earlier last year. I don't want to have kids so there is no "ticking bomb" situation. And I have at least another 35-40 years on this planet which is more dating years than I had so far!
My mum met her current partner when they were both in their 50s. My aunt reconnected with a childhood fiend at 55 and they got married a year later.
At 40+ we are in our prime, as far as I am concerned.

@Catza
This is a great way of looking at it and I know it will really help if I can change my thinking.
Love how you and your family met their partners ❤️

Too soon op
I’m 3 months out of an only 2 year relationship and know I’m not ready

You’re not ready to date imo. It takes a lot longer than you realise to be in the right headspace and unless you’ve taken time to be single and work out exactly what you want and need, you’re leaving yourself very vulnerable. Unfortunately OLD is full of men who can sniff out vulnerability at 1000 paces and will use that to their advantage

@TwistedWonder
I agree. I still have so much hurt/anger inside me and that probably means I’m not ready to move on.

Really appreciate your advice xxx

I came out of a 23 year marriage and within a year got into another relationship - biggest mistake of my life!
Had I been in a better headspace I wouldn’t have touched him with a bargepole

I’m now 6 years single and to be perfectly honest I can’t ever imagine having another relationship as I’ve realised that being single having great friends and enjoying my own space is priceless.

I had a similarly abrupt end to my marriage. A year later I tried OLD. I did date 4 people but none successful (I ended things after a few weeks/couple of months each time, in 3/4 cases because they were too intense). Now I’ve given up on it as it take so much time, it’s expensive going on dates, and there are a lot of other things I’d rather do in my limited free time.

I would like a partner but can’t be doing with OLD.

I’m gay but I think the basics are the same: too much time investment required for limited or no satisfactory outcome.

Running out of time for what? Crappy dates with time wasting men?

Let me tell you (and many women on this site will confirm what I am saying) - you are young!! You are not running out of time. There is loads of time to date crappy men or even good men if you can find them. But you are 9 months out of a long relationship and perhaps you need to take some time for yourself - do what you like, what you enjoy without a man.

Great way to look at it! I’m lucky to have wonderful friends and family around me x

This made me smile 😊
really appreciate your advice.

9 months way too soon. Took me over a year to feel myself. Didn't dip into OLD til a year and a half after.
You need to heal yourself and feel.good on your own or youll never attract the right person.
At the minute your trying to fill a gap and OLD is ruthless you need to be so thick skinned and view everyone as a stranger til at least date 5. You are too vulnerable at the moment.

But when your feeling better my best tip is
Dont chat for ages. Make a day date for a coffee within 48hoyrs if chatting. If its difficult to set that up, move on.
Weeds out the timewasters and penpals and means you will know very quickly if they are for you in person.

@OneShyQuail
Youre right, I probably am trying to fill a gap. I’d say I’m looking for validation, that I’m not awful and deserve to be happy. I need to stop this, I know.

Great dating advice, thank you!