Online dating is killing me!

[Lifegoeson2025]

Husband left 9 months ago suddenly. Got with colleague 10 days later. 17 years together, married, 2 children, gone just like that. Destroyed me.

Anyways, tried online dating, had one date, no spark, all good. BUT what kills me every single time is when someone shows an interest, you feel a connection, they suggest meeting up and then suddenly that’s it, they stop texting. Of course, I shrug off a lot because the connection just isn’t there, but I find it so hard when someone seems so genuine and can’t be honest. Why can’t they just say they’re not interested, met someone else etc.

It kills me every time and I know that sounds ridiculous. I suppose I’m still a little fragile from the split and feel completely rejected. I’m trying to toughen up but it bothers me every time.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you deal with it?

I know this sounds ridiculous 😩

After a particularly awful break-up, I decided to steer clear of men for a year. I concentrated on myself (I had no children), did what I wanted and when. More importantly I had no other adult to answer too/worry about or consider!! Previously I had been a 'relationship hopper', one ended and another started. I came to the realisation of the awful break-up, that it wasn't healthy. I stayed single for a year, and briefly dated a colleague from work. We were way too different, he was a little younger, so not really at the point of wanting a serious relationship and we split. Yes, I was sad, but what it did do was restore my faith in men!

My advice would be to stop the OLD. Take some time to lick your wounds and heal. Spend time with your children. Make new friends. Take up new hobbies. Do things for you. Give yourself some time to emotionally heal. It was the best thing I ever did.

The pain does go away. And there isn't a timeframe. Some people take months to get over something like that, some people are not ready to move on even after 30 years post separation.
But the pain absolutely can go away. What you need is to realise that your ex's actions reflect the kind of person he is. They don't reflect your worth, your value, the value of your relationship or who you are as a person. Once you accept that, the pain of the betrayal eases very quickly.
The moral bankruptcy of my ex still shocks me but it doesn't hurt me in a way it did in the first few months. And he is not "winning" the breakup by shacking up with a younger woman he cheated on me with. He is simply repeating the same relationship game until he moves on to the next shiny thing. And the next one... and the next one.

Not probably, definitely!

Men on OLD are like kids in a sweetshop. It’s not a good place to visit when you are still grieving the relationship and loss of family unit you had. I’ve been there and it was brutal. Some men are experts at sniffing out vulnerability and saying all the right things. Ultimately they just want sex and will hurt whoever they need to in the process of getting it. If they are juggling 10 women on online dating and one is giving them the green light, then that’s who they choose. It’s a needle in a haystack and you need to be in a really good place to do it. I don’t think you are currently.

Im down with the kids innit 😂
Realistically its because I teach 15 and 16 year olds 😂

@OneShyQuail you could make a fortune offering translation services 🤣🤣

The majority of matches don’t go anywhere, and a match isn’t a guarantee of a conversation let alone anything else. They are full of undesirable men, and a huge amount of filtering is needed to find the ones who are actually dateable.

Would you really want an honest answer from a total stranger as to why they stopped messaging? I know it feels like a waste of time, but it’s part of online dating. I’ve been single 7 years, have used it on and off in that time and I have certainly encountered enough of the weird and the wonderful to last a lifetime so I’m happier avoiding it entirely.

I would say as an experienced OLD user that if you feel disheartened by someone stopping messaging then you are not ready for it.
That's the easy bit to deal with, you've not really invested much in the grand scheme of things.

You'll find that this sort of behaviour continues with some people, they'll stop messaging after the first date, after a few dates, after you've slept with them, after 2 months......
If you are struggling now then you really will be crushed as you head deeper. Sadly most people don't find someone for a while and run this gauntlet on a repetitive cycle.

I go through ups and downs, sometimes it gets to me, other times I'm like "oh well" (all the above have happened to me by the way). You have to learn to recognise that how they treat someone is a reflection on them, and doesn't mean you aren't amazing.

As PP’s have said running out of time for what ? You will only end up with another disruptive sub par ‘man’ (aka porn addicted wanker) in your life, giving you grief and draining your time, Honestly take some time out to be yourself and not have the hassle it very rarely works out anyway

Catza, I agree with her post. People who monkey branch or move on super quickly. They spend their life repeating the same pattern. My ex monkey branched and I would have felt rubbish. Until his brother told me he had done that his whole life. I was upset that he left, as I did love him, yet I didn't let him affect my confidence. Hes so happy in that monkey branching connection, once he turned up saying what a mistake it was, and two years later, last year messaged me while still with the woman, asking to meet. Of course, I have self-respect and didn't meet him. Yet it made me realise he might have moved beds, yet hes still not settled or happy if he was, he would not have been contacting me.