Online dating is killing me!

[Lifegoeson2025]

Husband left 9 months ago suddenly. Got with colleague 10 days later. 17 years together, married, 2 children, gone just like that. Destroyed me.

Anyways, tried online dating, had one date, no spark, all good. BUT what kills me every single time is when someone shows an interest, you feel a connection, they suggest meeting up and then suddenly that’s it, they stop texting. Of course, I shrug off a lot because the connection just isn’t there, but I find it so hard when someone seems so genuine and can’t be honest. Why can’t they just say they’re not interested, met someone else etc.

It kills me every time and I know that sounds ridiculous. I suppose I’m still a little fragile from the split and feel completely rejected. I’m trying to toughen up but it bothers me every time.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you deal with it?

I know this sounds ridiculous 😩

If it helps....its never too late.
Im 41, 2 young children, did a bit of OLD and had no disasters! But nothing that led anywhere for me. I didn't have the time for the monotony of "whats your favourite food what are u hobbies etc" online chat as just so busy with work and kids and life that the last thing I wanted to do at 8pm when I sat down was answer all that chat. So I came off....
About 8 months later I met someone in real life, and weve been together over a year now. Best, healthiest, most loving and consistent relationship ive ever been in....and id written myself off too...

So never give up. I know exactly how you feel but OLD will destroy you if you aren't really tough, youll end up making yourself feel worse. Big hugs x

I went through similar a couple of years ago op. No way would I have been remotely ready to be dating at 9months, especially as you say this was a shock and betrayal rather than a mutually agreed split. What support have you actually had with this? I know for me I was thrown immediately into single parenting and trying to juggle that was extremely busy but I made the time for counselling every 2 weeks and took my time just figuring out who I was and how it had all affected me. I'm only now starting to think about dating. I also didn't want to move too fast and either be taken advantage of by someone who seemed great (my obligation being to my son first and foremost in that respect) and I also didn't want to inadvertently put my baggage on someone else.

I think this:
"It kills me every time and I know that sounds ridiculous. I suppose I’m still a little fragile from the split and feel completely rejected. I’m trying to toughen up but it bothers me every time"

Is very normal, but also very telling that you're not ready. You've had been through a massive rejection and so of course this will all be triggering those sensitive areas. Focus on yourself first and foremost. The idea of being alone forever scares me as well, but I'd much rather be 'on the shelf' than stuck in the wrong cupboard so you need to be at your best to be able to hold your boundaries and find what you actually deserve.

What's for you won't go past you but op you have your kids and your life - you don't NEED a guy so there's no rush.

Thank you for sharing, this is a wonderful story! ❤️
OLD really is tough and I’d agree that it destroys your confidence, makes you feel 💩.

Running out of time for what? To shack up with another bloke?

No no no. Now is the time to really be by yourself and to enjoy it. And to learn to enjoy it. Your freedoms. Your passions. Your terms.

No way are you ready to date yet. It’s so important to not jump into another relationship.

Not least because you will feel you cannot thrive without being in one. That sets you up for a very weak position.

The thing is you need to be in the right frame of mind for a healthy relationship and it sounds like you are understanding not ready, there are so many things out there to do, I joined a local netball team and it was fantastic fun plus I met lots of new people, you are now free to please yourself entirely!

I had a message on the dating site this morning. Had to ask for a translation 🤣🤣🤣 sorry if I have shared his details 🤣

🤔

I'd be clicking that "No Thanks" button immediately!

Made me laugh! 😂😂😂😂
What on Earth?!!!

😂

@Catza i asked him to translate it to the queen's English 🤣🤣🤣 it didn't sound right saying the king's English before I get told off 😍

I agree with advice given by others on here OP. Focus on healing from the loss of your marriage and use that time to focus on things you enjoy and taking up new hobbies. Avoid OLD as it won't help with self esteem. Also you are not running out of time at 45 to meet someone else. I have friends who have met people in their 50s/60s and if you decide to stay single then that's ok. You live your life how you want to live it.

I tried online dating twice. Once in my late 20s and again in my early 30s. The first time I did meet someone and was in a relationship for 9 months before he turned around unexpectedly one day and told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. After this I decided to spend some time being single, bought myself a flat and enjoyed the time on my own. Decided to try online dating a few years later, did start dating a guy but something about him didn't sit right with me. Then an old work colleague and friend split up from his wife and was going through divorce. We started hanging out as friends then developed feelings for each other. 10 years later we have been married nearly 7 years and have a 4 year old. As it happened I didn't even need online dating the second time around!

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time op and look after yourself

I'm going to assume it's "You are very beautiful, you know" followed by something something eyes 😂

@Lifegoeson2025 exactly!!!🤣🤣🤣😀 I asked my younger friend and apparently its flirting 🤣🤣

What a wonderful story, so happy for you ❤️

Oh wow! 😂😂😂

@Lifegoeson2025 another reason why I'm single 🤣🤣🤣 just can't be bothered Lol

Always happy for a chat.
Mine was a shock split too. Be kind to yourself. OLD isn't kind. You dont need it right now

I presume you mean running out of time to find someone to spend your life with? But in that case, you've got loads of time, the rest of your life in fact. You don't have the time pressures that younger women have to find someone, as you don't need to find someone you feel you can have kids with. You've already had your kids.

A lot of people are telling you it's too soon to date, I'm going to go a slightly different route. By all means, if you want to date, then date, but date for fun rather than to find someone to spend the rest of your life with. Stop treating the people you're talking to online as potential mates, and start treating them as what they are, pixels on a screen. They're not people, not yet, they're not a connection. They're the potential of an evening out with some company, if you're lucky it might even be an evening out with some good company! And if that first date goes well, then that's still not a potential mate, its a potential second date.

Basically, date like a man does. We don't have the same time pressures as women, so when we're single, most of us consider a relationship a nice to have, rather than something we need.

We're happy single, we might be a bit happier in a relationship. We might also be a bit happier with a new bike, so we'll keep looking for discounts on that bike, and we'll keep swiping on the apps in the hope that we might find someone we like who likes us back.

That's the level of headspace dating should be taking up for you, and the rest of it should be focussed on what else you can do to make you happy.

Maybe a new bike?

And for what its worth, my Mum met the love of her life at 53. You've got plenty of time.

You are beautiful you know. Absolutely gorgeous eyes" then he called you a MILF 😂

It kills me every time and I know that sounds ridiculous. I suppose I’m still a little fragile from the split and feel completely rejected. I’m trying to toughen up but it bothers me every time.

I think you are possibly still too fragile to be on OLD at the moment. Also you've just come out of a 17 year relationship so maybe now is the time to take a break and look at what you really want. What do you want to do? Are there any interests or hobbies you'd like to take up? What would you like to do with the free time you have now that you don't have your DH hanging around or when he has the kids? Do you want to travel? Is there anything you've always wanted to do but couldn't because of being married to him?

I really think you should spend time with yourself first and find out who you really are, establish a great life for you and your kids without him in it and once you've done all of that, you can revisit the idea of OLD.

Also you are not running out of time for anything.

I split with partner when I was 45. Tried OLD and it was just awful! I could write a book about the horrendous men I met. Decided to forget about it and just get on with doing what I want to do. 15 years later, I’m still doing just that! No man in my life and I could not care less. My life has never been more peaceful and fun.

The thing is, when you’ve spent time single and working on what you truly want, OLD isn’t tough at all and won’t make you feel bad

You'll just roll your eyes at the nonsense and think ‘next’ - because when you’re ready healed then a partner will be a nice to have not a must

@OneShyQuail thank you!!! I'm glad someone could translate it 🤣🤣🤣 Cheers 🎉

Me and my friends have a WhatsApp group where we share bad date stories and screenshot dreadful messages - we always say we should write a book or a comedy series about the horrors of dating as an older woman.

And we include men met in the wild as well as online - they’re no better

UR OLD after 9 months - WOW Sure you are in the right headspace