Online dating is killing me!

[Lifegoeson2025]

Husband left 9 months ago suddenly. Got with colleague 10 days later. 17 years together, married, 2 children, gone just like that. Destroyed me.

Anyways, tried online dating, had one date, no spark, all good. BUT what kills me every single time is when someone shows an interest, you feel a connection, they suggest meeting up and then suddenly that’s it, they stop texting. Of course, I shrug off a lot because the connection just isn’t there, but I find it so hard when someone seems so genuine and can’t be honest. Why can’t they just say they’re not interested, met someone else etc.

It kills me every time and I know that sounds ridiculous. I suppose I’m still a little fragile from the split and feel completely rejected. I’m trying to toughen up but it bothers me every time.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you deal with it?

I know this sounds ridiculous 😩

haha that no thanks button is pretty handy

Probably not. Just took me a while to realise. Comments on here have really helped me to realise this. I love Mumsnet and all the wonderful people on here ❤️

This sounds great!! My friends are all married though! I’m now the single one 😩

I think you have to accept that OLD is a rollercoaster and dip in and out. Maybe have a break for now and focus on real life stuff then review. I think you have to remember that a connection online means nothing till you meet. See each first date as a date zero - it's a meet up to see if you want a first date, not a date itself. It's hard as you have ZERO context for anyone and for how they behave outside a dating situation so you have to be a lot more careful and wary of red flags.

I'd recommend joining the dating thread on here as at least that gives you people to discuss/laugh/get advice/support from and you don't feel so on your own with it all. It also gives you people to vent to so you aren't exhausting your RL support network with OLD stories! I did meet my DP via OLD but one of my favourite other results of my time OLD was that I met one of my very best friends on the MN dating thread - our DS's are now friends and we go on holiday together.

If I was dating now I'd do the burnt haystack method (I think there's a FB group and she has an instagram profile and does reels).

My friends were all married when I separated and so put myself out there to make new friends and now have different groups for different things.

My old friends are still there but I only see th a few times a year but I’ve got a whole new friends group that I socialise with more regularly and go on holiday etc

Sorry this happened to you, what an ass. You do you OP - you know when you're ready but as like others said, make sure you're in a good place so youre not open to people messing you about etc, as people take advantage of vulnerability. You deserve to find someone lovely and you have to sift through them online!! Don't give up - i was on bumble and nearly gave up but met someone lovely and we are now married. There are nice people on there who are also looking for genuine connections.

I'm a Counsellor (qualified a year and a half ago); my marriage ended in 2018 due to cheating. I was at rock bottom from that betrayal, a 10-year marriage over, with two beautiful children's hearts broken. No one truly heals from betrayal in 9 months. It took me 5 years to properly heal, and by then, the other woman was long gone, and I was in a new relationship at that point in my life.

Someone at 9 months after betrayal has put a plaster on their betrayal wound and not recovered. (Unless they are someone who can put their feelings in a box and glue the lid shut). For me personally, at 9 months after betrayal, my emotions were all over the place. I went to see a counsellor as I wasn't coping well with my feelings; if I had met a man then, it wouldn't have been the right one, I would have been wanting them to heal my pain, and it wasn't anyone's role to do that, only my own.

I invested in the wrong man 3 years after my marriage ended, as I was betrayed again after building a life and home with someone new. After 3 years together, he cheated, and it brought back all my pain from the first betrayal, and I had to face the pain from both men's betrayals, as my old wound meant a double whammy of past hurt to work through. It's now 2 years on from the second betrayal, and that man tried to meet me to talk. I said no, I wasn't ready to see him, yet I was open to text conversation, and he has actually apologised, saying I didn't deserve what he did. I considered him the love of my life, the first person to give my heart to after my marriage ended, and I loved everything about him. He was struggling with low self-worth when he cheated, as he had lost his job and wasn't contributing to our home, and he felt worthless. Like he wasn't enough for me. Which wasn't true as I was nothing but being supportive to him during that period of his life, and his betrayal made me very angry and bitter as I felt all my care and love was thrown in my face.

Now I am still not ready to be with anyone. Instead, I invested in taking a Degree in Psychology, focusing on things that make me happy, which are my children, my love of music gigs, and going on nice trips and holidays with my children. We even now support a local football team and have become season ticket holders. Will I ever invest in love again? I am not over my last ex, and until I am, I will not be dating or getting involved with anyone.

Dating apps, a lot of my clients tell me all about being ghosted, the rudeness of the men on them, and a lot of men on those apps are players, married or just after an ego boost.

Only apps for people I know have worked were Match, and someone else said Bumble.

so kindly OP, but another man will not heal the wound your husband caused.
allowing that to happen would mean your rebuilt self esteem would balance entirely on the new man’s opinion of you. That wouldn’t be fair to him, let alone you.

my advice would be to take six months totally off dating and men and love and celebrate your new single life.
decorate your bedroom, learn to bake something new, buy a great book to read in bed, try some new items of clothing, plan a lovely day trip or weekend break with a friend.
You really truly don’t have to worry about time.
My dad met my stepmom at 65 🥰and they are totally head over heels

I have had a positive experience from using Online dating sites, met my husband this way. It isn't all that bad, takes patience though.

It doesn't sound like you ready. Your husband was obviously seeing the colleague before your relationship ended, so he was able to jump straight into another one. Give yourself more time, 9 months isn't long after a long marriage. At 45, you are young and have plenty of time to meet someone else, when you are ready.

Is it bad that I understood that messsge so clearly 😂

Give yourself time to love being on your own and then you will be able to recognise someone who will enhance your life. Whilst you are still in the thick of it you risk weak boundaries and too many compromises for the wrong person. I lost far too much of myself in the relationships i had in the first few years after my marriage.

I was single for 7 years after that, mainly because by then I knew what was right for me and didn’t meet anyone who was worth it but have now met someone who is perfect for me, and I am older than you.

@EasternStandard definitely 🤣🤣

I would do OLD for a bit of fun and to keep busy.

If things work out and you find someone long term then great, but I wouldn’t go into it for that.

You may enjoy it as a distraction or it may make you feel like crap.

You are at a stage of your life when you’re single, kids are older and you can finally focus on yourself.
I couldn’t think of anything worse than a relationship right now!

Thank you.
I agree, despite ex telling me he ‘took a chance’ on asking her out, I’m not stupid and clearly there were things, maybe not physical, going in. He had built this relationship up behind the scenes and then made the decision to leave when he was ready. I will never know the whole truth. I’ve been told ‘believe what you like’ but no one, not a single person (except him!) will believe that he ‘took a chance’ on asking her out. Liar! That pain never goes away.

Agree with @Retro12 I met a few unsuitable people after my divorce and normally wouldn’t have given them a chance. But I was vulnerable and didn’t want to be alone especially when my husband had met someone immediately.

I cannot believe the shit I put up with from men, especially one of them. My 90yr old gran was phoning me for the gossip and telling me to kick them to the curb 😄

I met my now DH 7yrs ago on OLD and he was everything I was looking for. I just wish I’d have waited instead of dating losers because I was rushing into things and being worried I wouldn’t meet anyone better.

Your gran sounds amazing! Great advice from her!

@Lifegoeson2025 at 9 months in you're still in the trenches. I didn't start OLD until 2 months after my exh left. My advice would be to focus on yourself and your own healing for a while.

I know lots of people have already said it but you’re not ready for dating yet. Unfortunately after an unexpected or traumatic break up people struggle mainly with being on their own and just want to fill the ‘partner’ shaped hole in their life. Consequently they’re ripe for abusive men to prey on them.

The marriage of a close unexpectedly and traumatically imploded after 25 years through no fault of her own. Three weeks later she met someone else via online dating. Oddly they matched before she’d even put a photo up and she immediately ended up in a 2 year relationship with an emotionally abusive man. He was about to move into her brand new house despite warnings from all her friends. Thankfully he behaved appallingly on moving in day in front of various mutual friends who told her in no uncertain terms she could not allow him to move in with her. Thankfully she agreed despite ‘feeling really guilty because he was now homeless’. Finally six months later after another public incident of deplorable behaviour she’s finally ended it. Only now can she really face the reality of the break down of her marriage and the abusive relationship she then moved to and is in therapy.

Be thankful none of those online connections actually became something as it’s very possible you would end up just like my friend. I also made the same mistake 10 years ago due to my desperation to fill a ‘partner shaped hole’. I am now single and have been for many years. I don’t need a partner and would only entertain one who enhanced my life and didn’t detract from it. Be happy in your own skin.

2 YEARS!! Not months!

Ha! I did wonder 😂

The sad emoji shows you need to value your peace the privilege of being free of men a lot more before allowing a man to impinge on your life.
'I'm the single one' is 'i have complete freedom and peace and answer to no one.'

I have to say that i agree with this. There is still far too much of a narrative that there is somwthing bad and negative about being single. Especially being female and single being seen as there being somwthing wrong with you. I escaped my DDs Dad over a decade ago and I've never been happier. Properly happy and content without ever having to question myself or rely on another person for my happiness. It is a powerful and very positive place to be i can tell you.

My 20 year marriage ended when I was late 40s, my ex didn't cheat, we just came to the end of the road and I was so bored and ready for excitement. I started OLD at about the same time as you ie 9 months after the split and while I had the occasional nice date or bit of fun, on the whole it was an awful experience - every cliche you hear about men online is true and then some.

I got together with someone who turned out to be very nasty and it absolutely broke me but looking back I can so see clearly I wasn't ready for any of it. The arseholes who use those sites seem to be attracted like vultures to anyone vulnerable, you really do need to be in the right headspace and have a very thick skin.

I was forced to take a step back due to COVID and while it was a very lonely time it really enabled me to sort myself out. Shortly after I decided to give it one more try and met my now partner who I've been with for 4 years. He's the best person I've ever met, the one I've waited for my whole life (sorry to be so gushy!) so there are good ones out there when you're ready but my advice would be give it a bit of time, grieve your marriage, focus on your kids and your friends and just be kind to yourself. 45 is still so young and life can be better than you ever thought x

Fortunately the younger generations are not seeing it as being so negative and I’m so pleased.

I know lots of young girls/women who are choosing to be single and it tends to only be frowned upon by older women (and some men which is why there has been a rise in Incels).

Have you only just started OLD?

I'm very experienced in that department😁I'd say you will have a few bad years to start with and once you've met every donkey on the planet you might meet prince charming.

Go in with an open mind. Have a list of no-nos and must-haves. Took me 8 years before I met my husband. It is an obstacle course so hang in there!