In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

My MIL is like yours, the circumstances are different yet the behaviour is v similar. What she labelled as an 'abundance of empathy' was presented as over protection to the extreme. When she said 'all I am doing is helping' was actually giving me no choice as she had decided what I needed help with and how I should be helped. Ive had multiple 'gifts' without any consultation with me and totally inappropriate.
I felt devalued, as if I wasnt able to cope because she was suggesting how I cope and it knocked my self esteem.
My husband liked the easy life and he and his sis would say 'she means well' MIL has zero self awareness.
So I took the matter into my own hands.
I told her she can only visit with prior notice.
That we didnt want a load of garden furniture she suggested and was pressurising us to get.
That I dont need to be sent disabled equipment as I can mobilise fine.
And I restricted information going to her.
The final straw came when she suggested I see a priest and had one lined up.
We now only speak if I have to. She did get very angry with me and gave me a character assasination when I put down boundaries
Maybe not do it all at once like I did as she could get angry. Start with the doables. The kissing on the face. Politely say no and give her an alternative gesture. If she gets angry, physically walk away.
The pram. Ask your husband to discuss the prams issues and the car so its subject based. Or just dont use the pram.
The name. Again polite yet firmly say to call your child by your preffered name.
You may feel all sorts of emotions doing this but it will be worth it. I feel so much more peaceful now I have MIL out of my zone and not having to reply to her advice, solutions and overbearing nature. Sometimes I try to talk myself out of it but I know its the right thing to do. And yes, your husband needs to support and respect your decisions too. Good luck, it will get better for you.

I’ve got a recent post up about my MIL here. My advice? Set them boundaries ASAP.

also no one should kiss a baby. Please please speak up on this matter for babies sake

Oh OP I feel your pain - my MIL was so full on in the early weeks. In the end I had it out with DH and he did tell his mum to back off. There have been times since when she’s tried to overstep boundaries - it gets easier to handle over time though. I think when you’re this tired and vulnerable you should make this an issue your DH handles. It does seem like a rite of passage for some MILs to get used to no longer being the family matriarch.

Yes, even grandparents. I was as close as it’s possible to be to my mum, but she didn’t just rock up without asking the minute I got out of hospital, and nor would I dream of doing the same to my own children, with whom I have an equally brilliant and close relationship. You have zero idea what a new first-time mum has been through, so you should take all your cues from her as to what she actually wants and needs, not assume you know best.

As a grandparent of course you don’t need to wait for a royal summons, but you should at least call ahead to check if and when it’s ok to visit. What the OP needs after a horribly traumatic birth experience is peace and quiet to recover, mental space to process what just happened to her, as well as the arrival of her baby, and time for her and DH to just bond with and enjoy their child.

Instead she’s being steamrollered by an overbearing, emotionally manipulative woman who wants to get her oar in every which way, and sulks and throws insults when things don’t go as she wants. Naturally the MIL is excited about her grandchild, which is lovely, but her approach is all wrong - everything she’s doing is about centring her own selfish wants and pushing her way in regardless. It’s just really shitty behaviour.

Having all your choices overridden, and not feeling in control of your own time and peace when you’re vulnerable and in recovery, can trigger or exacerbate symptoms of PND. But when you’re in that state it’s incredibly difficult to advocate for yourself, as you’re basically in shock and so overwhelmed that you can feel completely powerless, especially in the face of someone who’s prepared to wheedle and bully.

OP, it sounds like you’re spiralling a bit, and understandably so. Please try not to get stuck on the idea that all is lost and ruined. Your baby is only 5 weeks old. It’s such a very tiny amount of time, and you can still create your little baby bubble, but you - or more to the point, your DH - need to regain control of the situation. He needs to start advocating for you, and for the three of you as a family unit. Now is the time to re-establish boundaries you’re comfortable with and make sure he has your back every single time.

If the baby name is one you loved and would have chosen, don’t let her ‘deciding’ on it taint it for you. But if it’s ruined for you both, change the name. It’s fine. (I was a different name for about 8 weeks after I was born, but my mum was upset with her original choice and changed it!)

And sell the bloody pram. Use the one your mum bought your sister.

Congratulations on your baby 💐. I wish you peace and happiness, which you’ll undoubtedly get if your DH steps up and does what he should have done for you from the beginning.

Your baby has two parents if their father won't speak up and set boundaries as their mother you need to, and mean it.

From your post you seemed to have let your DP's parents have too much of a say, it sounds like you've let them get on with it and dominate every part of your baby's life so far.

No way should you have registered baby in a name you weren't sure you were going to like, were baby's fathers DP also there at the time?

Nip their behaviour in the bud now, if they don't like your boundaries and refuse to visit that's not going to be your loss.

Use your voice , dont stress about their feelings and set boundaries.

The MIL is overbearing and obnoxious.

Nonsense...her PIL are impinging severely on OP recovering from giving birth. They are also risking the health and well being of the baby

OP, trying to talking to someone as tone-deaf, entitled, selfish and interfering as your MIL is a waste of time. She only cares about what she wants, and doesn't give a toss for your distress.

I suggest you take your lo, and go and see a relative or friend for at least a week. Someone who is obstinate enough to be a gate keeper. Then talk to your dh and make it clear that you do not want to come home until his mother has left.

If you do go home, buy a sling and carry LO against you. That should keep the wretched woman at bay.

Call the registrar and find out what can be done about the name. It is time to call a halt to the bullying - because that is what it is.

You have to make a stand, or this woman will ruin your marriage and your motherhood.

I would expect grandparents to respect boundaries but not have to wait ‘weeks’. Jeez. 🙄

Op I agree with other posters saying use your voice. You’ve been through so much, you’re a mother now in your own right - you don’t have to be answerable to them. Either you or your DH, just tell them you appreciate that they're excited to be grandparents but you need your space and your rest. Don’t worry about coming across as bolshy or impolite - advocate for yourselves or you’ll set a frustrating precedent with them that’s hard to come back from.

OP - your MIL sounds awful.
Your DH needs to put boundaries in place or you will have no privacy.
He should be supporting your needs and your child's needs first not his mummy's.

OP, it sounds like you’re spiralling a bit, and understandably so. Please try not to get stuck on the idea that all is lost and ruined. Your baby is only 5 weeks old.

This op.

The first five weeks really isn't much more than broken nights and breastfeeding with perhaps a few little outings and check-ups for most families. I remember taking one of mine out to an outdoor cafe at 4 weeks and people looking in the pram and asking how old. When I said 4 weeks, lots looked quite wide-eyed at someone so new. My baby seemed quite grown up to me but looking back it really is nothing. It's all just starting.

your DH is pathetic and his mother disgraceful.

show him this thread and the responses so he understands how bloody obvious it is that he has dropped the ball her.

OP doesn't need anyone to hold the baby for her. If they want to be useful they can make tea or cook dinner or anything else helpful. OPs DH can hold his own baby while she is showering or sleeping which she is unlikely to do while they are there.

She just had a difficult birth - did you miss that part or are you just a misogynistic troll looking for a cheap thrill?

The husband should be keeping his own mother in place when she steps over the boundary so often and his wife is recovering after a difficult birth.
New mothers' hormones are on a roller-coaster after birth - you'd know that if you were a mother yourself, which I very much doubt.

Not really sure what that has to do with my post in all honesty. And my mother is right where she should be in all of this… respecting my boundaries and there if I need her help or support when I ask for it.

Oh bless you , this is so upsetting.
Can the pram be returned ? That would be something that your mother in law can sort out , your partner can explain why . You have very good reasons to return it.
Your partner needs to tell his parents to text to see if it is convenient and not just call round and tell her to not kiss the baby.
Things have changed since our children were babies and this is what she needs to be told.
You can explain by text yourself all of this if he won't , you are it's mother and your job is to protect your child.
As for baby's name if you are not certain I think you can still change it up to a year.

You both need a few days together without interference to find your feet , recover in your own time and think about your child's name and make sure you are happy with it all.Your partner should tell them this or you can.

Can I ask if you have family near ?

You are correct.

Your partner isn’t much of a partner. He needs to deal with them. The hospital is a prime example - can we visit baby, no Op is in recovery after a tricky delivery no visitors allowed. Pram - we’ve already got one thanks, you return it and get money back. If he won’t then you’ll need to speak to them.

OP, you could sell her beastly pram and use the money to check you and baby into a hotel to get some peace.

Also tell your dh to grow a spine and make your PIL leave.

I forgot to say Congratulations.
Years ago new mums were either in hospital for two weeks after a birth of a baby and then later on had to stay indoors at home for 2 weeks , as this is when mum and Dad recover and you can bond.

You need to speak up for yourself because he clearly isn't going to.

Make a list of the boundaries they need to follow and send it to them. If they break your boundaries, they don't get to see the child. It's that simple.

My mum has only been to see my baby twice since I gave birth as she has been full of cold… hence another reason I don’t want anyone kissing my baby… especially this time of the year! Not sure if you’ve ever witnessed a baby with RSV but working in healthcare I have and that is not something I want my child to contract.
And even if my mother wasn’t unwell she’d still respect my boundaries, check before visiting and only give me help and support when I asked for it.

What is the relevance? Do you think her mum should be telling MIL to back off or something? Maybe OP hasn’t mentioned her own mum because it is just so irrelevant to this tale.

You are being over sensitive and they are over excited and not reading the room. You are tired sore and over emotional. In laws who want to be involved with the baby are precious! Encourage it for when you need help with childcare. The pram can stay at their house for them to use occasionally, use whatever pram you want.
this has not ruined this chapter of your life, when you feel stronger and more confident you’ll have better boundaries and be grateful for their help