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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think my wife isn’t interested in me anymore

107 replies

40YearOldScottishDad · 11/01/2026 23:52

First time posting here….my wife and I have been together for over 11 years and have been married for nearly 7 years and have two amazing kids. My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all. I’ve always had a higher sex-drive than my wife, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated as our sex life is virtually nonexistent. Think we’ve had sex twice in the past year and the past couple of times that I’ve tried to initiate it she’s either made excuses or, like the last time, tells me that she’s doesn’t find herself getting turned on anymore. She says she still loves me and finds me attractive but it’s difficult going to bed every night knowing that she has not interest in sex. I’ve tried to do different things to reignite our sex life but they haven’t worked. She ended up being really annoyed with me once after I bought her some lingerie (which I’d spent ages picking out so it wasn’t too provocative and genuinely thought she’d like it) so that’s a no-go area. I’m happy to do absolutely anything she wants to do and have no issue talking about sex, but she really doesn’t like to talk about it and got upset when we’ve spoken about it previously.
It was my 40th birthday a few days ago (hence the username) and we went out for the day, which was our first date for months. It was lovely but I’d previously mentioned about staying overnight somewhere, but she didn’t want to as our daughter had a dance class the other day. That is absolutely fine as ordinarily I wouldn’t want her to miss something she enjoys, but I thought it would be fine this once since we never get a night away just the two of us.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking this a bit much but just looking for some outside opinions as I don’t really like the idea of spending my life in a sexless marriage.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 12/01/2026 00:12

The weekly my wife doesn't want sex thread.

Vivaleconfused · 12/01/2026 00:22

Can only tell you from a wife’s perspective.

  • don’t find husband attractive anymore. He’s almost like another child, leaving all the emotional labour to me, leaving decision making to me etc.
  • sex is pretty meh. I rarely orgasm, he always does. I rather just masturbate or use my toys when he’s not around. I get an orgasm.
  • sometimes I feel he only wanted to know me when he wanted sex. He’d be pawing at me when I was trying to load the dishwasher, planning nights away etc. but seldom took any interest in me and the things I like (non sexual things).
  • each time I saw him side eye another woman or taking a double look at another women while we were out or driving, or saw him looking at another woman on social media (thirst traps, when he thought I wasn’t looking), it kind of was like blowing on a candle flame. I’m not jealous but it was the principal of it, and seeing him as some middle age pervert just like the ones I used to feel sorry for and try to avoid when I was young. Eventually the flame went out.
  • he rarely brushed his teeth.
  • he dressed like an old person. Stopped taking care of himself and his appearance. Zero effort.
  • sex was boring and predictable.
  • he hardly ever helped with housework or just did the minimum to a mediocre standard. So he was just a bit of a burden. Like a child. I don’t want to have sex with children so…

That was what happened with my husband of 20 years anyway. He was actually a top bloke but once the ick creeps in, there’s not really any going back.

Difficultsituation89 · 12/01/2026 00:25

I think it’s well known by now that women need more than a physical attraction OP. You say she’s a good mum… is this all you see her as? How much labour (both work and home labour) does she do and what do you do? What hobbies does she have and what do you have? Nights away and underwear are not “gifts” for her. They are gifts for you because you want sex. It’s tiring looking after 2 kids, keeping 2 human beings alive and juggling work, appointments, home life etc. be completely honest with yourself, do you need to step up a bit, reduce her load and re-connect.

CherryBlossom321 · 12/01/2026 00:50

Do you have a strong emotional connection? Do you enjoy non sexual intimacy as a couple? Are you interested in conversation with her? Do you listen to her when she speaks? Are you attracted to who she is, not just her body? Are you participating in family life and running the household? How do you respond when she says no? Do you buy her gifts which are not related to you hopefully getting some?

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 12/01/2026 00:59

If she’s the same age as you she may well be in the trenches of peri-menopause and if her oestrogen is waning it won’t just be her interest in sex that fades. It’s a time of reassessing what we want in the next stage of life and cutting away anything that doesn’t serve us.

We’ve spent years caring for everyone and 40-50 is prime time for reassessing our lives and starting to rediscover ourselves as someone other than wife and mum.

Does she have a full life outside of ferrying your DD around to dance and fending off your sexual advances?

If you love her and want to stay with her take note that she’s withdrawing emotionally if she’s not having sex with you. If you want her to stick with you make yourself the kind of husband a woman wants, pull your weight, mentally and physically, respect her time and energy, reconnect emotionally before trying to lure her into bed with lingerie and hotel stays.

If she came on here what would her main complaint be about you?

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 12/01/2026 01:13

Vivaleconfused · 12/01/2026 00:22

Can only tell you from a wife’s perspective.

  • don’t find husband attractive anymore. He’s almost like another child, leaving all the emotional labour to me, leaving decision making to me etc.
  • sex is pretty meh. I rarely orgasm, he always does. I rather just masturbate or use my toys when he’s not around. I get an orgasm.
  • sometimes I feel he only wanted to know me when he wanted sex. He’d be pawing at me when I was trying to load the dishwasher, planning nights away etc. but seldom took any interest in me and the things I like (non sexual things).
  • each time I saw him side eye another woman or taking a double look at another women while we were out or driving, or saw him looking at another woman on social media (thirst traps, when he thought I wasn’t looking), it kind of was like blowing on a candle flame. I’m not jealous but it was the principal of it, and seeing him as some middle age pervert just like the ones I used to feel sorry for and try to avoid when I was young. Eventually the flame went out.
  • he rarely brushed his teeth.
  • he dressed like an old person. Stopped taking care of himself and his appearance. Zero effort.
  • sex was boring and predictable.
  • he hardly ever helped with housework or just did the minimum to a mediocre standard. So he was just a bit of a burden. Like a child. I don’t want to have sex with children so…

That was what happened with my husband of 20 years anyway. He was actually a top bloke but once the ick creeps in, there’s not really any going back.

Bloody hell, I think you ended up with my ex, you poor woman. Glad to see you talking about him in the past tense.

GCAcademic · 12/01/2026 01:19

My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all.

This is the problem. She's doing everything for all of you. Instead of being an equal partner, you're like one of the kids - someone she has to do things for. No woman wants to have sex with a dependent, even if they are grateful.

OpheliaNightingale · 12/01/2026 01:20

@40YearOldScottishDad when you have disagreements, as almost all couples do, what is it that she tells you she is most unhappy about in your relationship? If you are able to remember, then that is your answer. If you are unable to come up with anything, that is most definitely your answer (and the reason men are ‘blindsided’ when their wife eventually leaves them).

OpheliaNightingale · 12/01/2026 01:37

GCAcademic · 12/01/2026 01:19

My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all.

This is the problem. She's doing everything for all of you. Instead of being an equal partner, you're like one of the kids - someone she has to do things for. No woman wants to have sex with a dependent, even if they are grateful.

Nailed it!

Bluddyyel · 12/01/2026 02:33

Vivaleconfused · 12/01/2026 00:22

Can only tell you from a wife’s perspective.

  • don’t find husband attractive anymore. He’s almost like another child, leaving all the emotional labour to me, leaving decision making to me etc.
  • sex is pretty meh. I rarely orgasm, he always does. I rather just masturbate or use my toys when he’s not around. I get an orgasm.
  • sometimes I feel he only wanted to know me when he wanted sex. He’d be pawing at me when I was trying to load the dishwasher, planning nights away etc. but seldom took any interest in me and the things I like (non sexual things).
  • each time I saw him side eye another woman or taking a double look at another women while we were out or driving, or saw him looking at another woman on social media (thirst traps, when he thought I wasn’t looking), it kind of was like blowing on a candle flame. I’m not jealous but it was the principal of it, and seeing him as some middle age pervert just like the ones I used to feel sorry for and try to avoid when I was young. Eventually the flame went out.
  • he rarely brushed his teeth.
  • he dressed like an old person. Stopped taking care of himself and his appearance. Zero effort.
  • sex was boring and predictable.
  • he hardly ever helped with housework or just did the minimum to a mediocre standard. So he was just a bit of a burden. Like a child. I don’t want to have sex with children so…

That was what happened with my husband of 20 years anyway. He was actually a top bloke but once the ick creeps in, there’s not really any going back.

🎯 add the continuous weaponised incompetence most men begin with as soon as they marry.

Vivaleconfused · 12/01/2026 02:48

Bluddyyel · 12/01/2026 02:33

🎯 add the continuous weaponised incompetence most men begin with as soon as they marry.

Oh yeah, I forgot that! He was an amazing cook when he used to date me, but he had to trade his culinary knowledge for a wedding ring.

theheckisgoingon28 · 12/01/2026 05:43

Hi op im
sorry your feeling like this . In my experience there have been a number of things that made me go off sex . I didn’t sleep with my ex for 3 years towards the end. He wasn’t the type of person to onky be nice to me if he wanted it . So it wasn’t that . He was good around the house , would cook , would arrange dates and holidays . But I didn’t fancy him anymore . Then the more he bagged not because he just wanted sex because I wouldn’t let him near me and when we ended I could see why he was getting angry ect not because of just the sex but he felt hurt and not loved by me . But for me it was just the fact I didn’t fancy him anymore and deep down fell out of love with him . He done it to himself mind . Just by the way he was and acted not all the time but enough . I actually used to think he was pathetic . And felt sorry for him . He had bipolar and made my life hell for a good 4 days every month so there was a reason why the sex part happened . But then if shes nearly 40 could peri menopause be happening? It could be shes exhausted , doesnt feel supported by you even tho you do sound nice from your post . No one can pin point a reason . Only your wife . But there’s more trains than hwr just falling out of love with you . I hope you can sort things out

WhatMe123 · 12/01/2026 06:05

I'm going to point you to to your opening line as this tells me this is how you view your wife ....she's an amazing wife and appreciate all she does for us
All she does for us.... that'll be it she's tired, feels she's "a mum, cook, cleaner etc" that's not sexy. If you want to change anything start from there I'd say

PermanentTemporary · 12/01/2026 06:06

You’re 40?? Ouch. That is young to be in this state. Twice a year? Tbh less than once a month is considered sexless.

i read an article years ago about relationship counselling which said the men always arrived wanting to fix the sex but the women had lots of other issues to raise, after which the sex sometimes improved anyway.

It’s concerning that things have got this bad. What has she said to you about you as a couple? Do you find any time to spend together (non sexual)? It’s such a cliche to talk about date nights and non sexual physical touch but they do matter. Have you considered some couples counselling?

Zapx · 12/01/2026 06:16

Have you tried giving her more time alone? Arrange to take the kids out all day somewhere for a day trip? Or even better, for a few of them? (Hint: do NOT expect her to organise where you go. Not saying you would but I’m always amazed how many guys do this).

Try stepping up in the chore department as well, see if there’s anything you can take complete responsibility for so it’s on your to do list not hers.

Presuming there are no other issues, i think couples counselling would be a good way to go. It’s not okay for her to just refuse to discuss it, as it’s affecting your relationship so much. Talking about it must be the first step.

Sugarsugarcane · 12/01/2026 06:17

I thought my sex drive had dwindled when I was with my ex husband but once we split and I met someone else / other people it was through the roof. I can see now I didn’t feel respected and most importantly emotionally safe with him so my body took over to say don’t let this person so close to him.
I’d bet my house on your situation being down to something outside of the bedroom, have some honest conversations about how happy she is in general and leave the chat about your sex life out of it for a while

acorncrush · 12/01/2026 06:17

Who remembers the children’s school acitivities, friends birthdays, buys presents for the other friend’s birthdays, remembers doctors appointments, school trips and things they have to take to school?

This kind of thing can have a huge impact.

Lingerie isn’t going to remember that the school Christmas concert is on Tuesday at 9:30am and she needs an item to take in for show and tell on Monday.

DancingInMyMind · 12/01/2026 06:22

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/01/2026 00:12

The weekly my wife doesn't want sex thread.

Yep. This one hasn’t even tried to tell us about all the housework he does, it’s just a whole post about the sex he isn’t getting, the lingerie and the date which didn’t lead to a night of hotel sex. 🙄

How do these men think they possibly would be attractive to their partners?

And also any man making a mumsnet account to specifically to talk about his lack of sex life with a group of women is just ick.

miserablestepmum · 12/01/2026 06:31

Vivaleconfused · 12/01/2026 02:48

Oh yeah, I forgot that! He was an amazing cook when he used to date me, but he had to trade his culinary knowledge for a wedding ring.

I wish the react button had laughing emojis 🤣🤣

moose62 · 12/01/2026 06:31

I'm surprised any man would venture on here. The majority of replies are so weighted towards the 'poor woman'.
Unfortunately your partner just might not want sex anymore with you. If she is unwilling to say why, or try, then unfortunately I see only two options.
Have a sexless marriage, which no one should have to, unless they choose it or walk away and find another partner more suited to your needs.
That's the advice I would give a woman!

Interpink · 12/01/2026 06:33

Like everyone else has said, your sex life is the expression of everything else that’s going on.

What exactly does she complain about? Please share even if it might sound trivial to you.

Holdmeclosertinydancer2018 · 12/01/2026 06:46

Sex is always the first thing to go once any kind of resentment/contempt creeps in. That can be resentment for having to do and think about everything in and out of the household ie, washing, cooking, cleaning, lunches, sorting Drs/dentists/opticians, reminding partners of their own families birthdays, buying the cards, gifts, carrying the weight of Christmas and other special seasons, acting as emotional support creatures for everyone in the house, buying new clothes, buying new clothes, caring for elderly parents, nursing sick family members. On top of this, many women also work of course.

Then there is the fact that many men see us as 2 dimensional creatures rather than real life, flesh and blood humans with our own interests, opinions, feelings and can't see past the idea that we only exist for others. Women generally want to be appreciated for who they are rather than simply someone who exists just to serve.

Ogling other women- this is a big one for me personally. I'm not an idiot, us women know that men are visually stimulated but if I see you constantly checking out other women, whether that be in the street or on a screen (either on Social Media or porn) then you are telling me two things 1) you have no self control which I don't respect and 2) you don't respect me enough to not make it obvious. This will make me lose both respect and attraction for you and sex will leave the chat almost immediately.

Other reasons for resentment are if you broke our bond/commitment in one way or another such as lying- women don't generally want to be intimate with a man we don't trust as he no longer feels safe and quickly starts to feel like a threat. Nobody in their right mind wants to be vulnerable with somebody who makes us feel unsafe.

We don't fancy you anymore- this doesn't happen in a vacuum, we tend to start off finding you very attractive but any/all of the above are death by a thousand cuts and the end result will be we simply do not fancy you anymore. Any attempts to connect by you are likely not to work as the kinds of attempts men tend to make are further off putting such as 1) dry humping us or grabbing/petting/groping us while we go about our day 2)Whining/sulking/demanding/getting angry or aggressive at the lack of sex 3) buying things to help aid sex life, because all these things go back to my original point that we end up feeling like a 2 dimensional creature that you want something from.

The key is usually communication (though if we are too far gone, even this won't help nothing will) to try and get to the root of the problem. If you handle this badly by claiming we are nagging/complaining, if you get defensive or angry, basically if you display no ability to listen and understand how we got here then we will move even further away from you emotionally and we will want sex even less. We may attempt a few more conversations on the topic but if there are repeated failures due to your inability to listen/accept/empathize with us then we will eventually give up completely.

I hope this helps.

researchers3 · 12/01/2026 06:54

40YearOldScottishDad · 11/01/2026 23:52

First time posting here….my wife and I have been together for over 11 years and have been married for nearly 7 years and have two amazing kids. My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all. I’ve always had a higher sex-drive than my wife, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated as our sex life is virtually nonexistent. Think we’ve had sex twice in the past year and the past couple of times that I’ve tried to initiate it she’s either made excuses or, like the last time, tells me that she’s doesn’t find herself getting turned on anymore. She says she still loves me and finds me attractive but it’s difficult going to bed every night knowing that she has not interest in sex. I’ve tried to do different things to reignite our sex life but they haven’t worked. She ended up being really annoyed with me once after I bought her some lingerie (which I’d spent ages picking out so it wasn’t too provocative and genuinely thought she’d like it) so that’s a no-go area. I’m happy to do absolutely anything she wants to do and have no issue talking about sex, but she really doesn’t like to talk about it and got upset when we’ve spoken about it previously.
It was my 40th birthday a few days ago (hence the username) and we went out for the day, which was our first date for months. It was lovely but I’d previously mentioned about staying overnight somewhere, but she didn’t want to as our daughter had a dance class the other day. That is absolutely fine as ordinarily I wouldn’t want her to miss something she enjoys, but I thought it would be fine this once since we never get a night away just the two of us.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking this a bit much but just looking for some outside opinions as I don’t really like the idea of spending my life in a sexless marriage.

Thanks in advance!

". My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all."

This is why she doesn't want sex with you. You see her and your relationship as transactional. You think she is amazing because she does stuff for you?

What do you do for her? What do you do for her that isn't to get something that you want in return?

lottiegarbanzo · 12/01/2026 06:54

You’re happy to do absolutely anything she’d like to do? Great! Start by asking if she’d like to split household chores evenly, you’ll clean all loos and bathrooms.

When she has regular time and mental space to herself and is able to pursue her own projects and interests, then she might start to think about sex again.

I got the ick reading your opening paragraph though. She’s a great mum, you’re grateful for everything she does for you. So you see yourself as a child she looks after? Uggghhhh. No married woman wants to have sex with a child.

GreenJeIIy · 12/01/2026 06:56

Oh my God. I don't mind blokes on the site but why do they always join and the first post is My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread