Think my wife isn’t interested in me anymore

[40YearOldScottishDad]

First time posting here….my wife and I have been together for over 11 years and have been married for nearly 7 years and have two amazing kids. My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all. I’ve always had a higher sex-drive than my wife, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated as our sex life is virtually nonexistent. Think we’ve had sex twice in the past year and the past couple of times that I’ve tried to initiate it she’s either made excuses or, like the last time, tells me that she’s doesn’t find herself getting turned on anymore. She says she still loves me and finds me attractive but it’s difficult going to bed every night knowing that she has not interest in sex. I’ve tried to do different things to reignite our sex life but they haven’t worked. She ended up being really annoyed with me once after I bought her some lingerie (which I’d spent ages picking out so it wasn’t too provocative and genuinely thought she’d like it) so that’s a no-go area. I’m happy to do absolutely anything she wants to do and have no issue talking about sex, but she really doesn’t like to talk about it and got upset when we’ve spoken about it previously.
It was my 40th birthday a few days ago (hence the username) and we went out for the day, which was our first date for months. It was lovely but I’d previously mentioned about staying overnight somewhere, but she didn’t want to as our daughter had a dance class the other day. That is absolutely fine as ordinarily I wouldn’t want her to miss something she enjoys, but I thought it would be fine this once since we never get a night away just the two of us.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking this a bit much but just looking for some outside opinions as I don’t really like the idea of spending my life in a sexless marriage.

Thanks in advance!

Because they dump and leave on a Sunday night, never to be heard again.

A different angle, I went into early menopause and my sex drive became non existent. I can tell you things that absolutely don’t help, anything that feels like pressure (buying underwear, booking overnights- the fear will kick in in her brain that this is an advance expectation of sex making any chance of her sex drive reappearing run for the hills) make sure she knows there is zero pressure by consistently offering affection but not at any point trying to turn it into something sexual. Also if you can help her to switch off- along with the sex drive my racing thoughts 24 hours a day meant I constantly felt I was on full alert, not conducive to anything. Support her and be a full partner in other ways. Rather than starting with booking a night away - the inference of which whether you mean it to be or not will be sex is expected - start arranging things you can do together where sex is clearly not expected. Rebuild physical closeness in other ways, that is key to this.

This is the advice you need.....fantastically written

So looks like op was happy to vent but not actually receive or acknowledge advice.

I wonder if guys ever read these posts and go 'oh wait, that makes sense. I have been treating her a bit like an appliance that is on the fritz. And I haven't been doing anywhere near my fair share in the home. And when she complains about exhaustion I buy her fancy underwear instead of a holiday to the sun. And our date nights are mostly so I can get sex. I'm a right proper twunt. Guess I better sort myself out for my wife's sake'.

Buying lingerie isn’t for her, it’s for you.
Try doing the school run, cooking now and then, taking and dropping off at dance classes, weekly meal plan and shop, laundry and cleaning, mental load etc. Maybe sit down with her, ask how you can help and work out a rota. You might find that relieving her of some of the chores might make her feel you are being considerate and a more equal partner.
She is too tired for sex and especially with a man who expects to be looked after like a child. My bet is she is feeling more like your mother than your wife.

You bought her underwear and want a night away with her? Urgh...you sound vile, no wonder she doesn't want to go near you.

Hey OP .
Firstly all they’re going to do on here is give out to you ! .
This isn’t a great place to come on here for advice . I know you just want a woman’s perspective.
You sound like a nice guy , 40 is very young to be in a sexless marriage. Sex in marriage or a partnership is how we show one another love , it’s the feeling of being connected, it gives a feeling of safeness & to feel loved . If only one person wants it & the other doesn’t, well then we feel rejected , not loved , it affects our self esteem & that feels like shit ..

There could be countless reasons your wife isn’t interested in sex anymore.
The biggest problem you have is that she refuses to speak about it with you .
You’re just going to have to be firm & say we need to discuss this , whatever the outcome so be it , but this needs to be addressed.
Would she be open to couples counselling?
Communication is key, & you guys need to start talking , now not later , so find the way to do this .
Best of luck .

I’ve been thinking about this stance for a while from a man’s point of view - they’ll say they need it to feel connected but somehow that never rings true because they’ll also cheat and say it meant nothing- and they’ll not do any of the other things that connect 2 humans - it feels like they want a sex sock most of the time rather than connection
that’s off putting - women are just different creatures and easily can go off that kind of chore sex with no other love and connection

Ugh.

You sound like my exh 6 years ago.

Often mithering for sex and if he hadn’t had it in a couple of weeks would start pawing at me in the middle of the day in front of our young kids.

Like you he’d go on about how fantastic I was and a great mum to our amazing kids but it was all performative. I had to do everything, housework, most of the parenting, and in the end bring in most of the income. Some examples:
Left the house for 45 minutes to get a flu jab and he moaned I was gone too long.
Text me when I was WFH (he wasn’t working) asking me to watch the kids while he made dinner.
Ask for lists of what needed doing in the house then didn’t do any of it because “it looked fine”.
Told me to take up a hobby but didn’t like it when I took up running because it took me away from the kids.
Asked me once during the pandemic why I couldn’t just look after the kids all day and work when they’re in bed, so he wouldn’t have to do the parenting on his own. I was never allowed any time to myself without being made to feel guilty.

It was just unattractive and in the end I just felt like I had a third child to look after rather than an equal partner.

My suggestions for you:
Buy presents that aren’t lingerie or anything to do with sex. Buy things for her that are related to her interests and hobbies and things she likes. Not necessarily related to the kids either.
You need to be doing 50% of the housework and parenting when you aren’t working, even if she earns less and is at home more.
You need to be doing more than 50% when she is unwell or not there.
Take the kids out of the house more often so she can have time alone in her own home.
Do not compete for her time over the kids (related to the dance class example of yours). You won’t win.
Accept that you will come second to the kids always.
Proactively parent. Who is the one organising birthday parties and gifts, extra curriculars, supervising homework, buying school shoes, sorting PE kits, applying for school places, making packed lunches, ordering school dinners, taking time off work when child is sick, reorganising life around child? From your post saying your wife does everything for all of you, I’m guessing she does the majority of this while you do very little and think your “gratitude” makes up for it. It doesn’t. Do 50% of these things from now on, and don’t ask for a list of what needs doing when. No one gave her a list.

When she finds she’s living with an equal partner and not another child, you may find your sex life improves. But the latter is probably a symptom of her being touched out, exhausted and resentful.

Very honest insightful post.
R u still married?
I hope you don't mind me asking and I hope you are OK

To be rapidly followed by:
-> it's because you don't share the housework.
From a few, you're a bad lover.

And inevitable disappearance of the OP.

In other words, pretty pointless all round.

I find it hard to fancy a man who consistently doesn't know where the scissors are, or accuses me of moving something he can't find, or says words like 'well what needs to be done', or such classics as 'we need to sort so and so' when he means i need to sort so and so. Or who is always right, even when her hardly ever is. Or who, when I suggest going for a long walk next weekend, immediately decides to try to book a night away, to hopefully get his leg over as well as a hike, when I was just hoping to reconnect on any level over a hobby we both used to enjoy.
Etc.
I have spent years being his mother/ PA. As well as my DCs. Hard to switch that back to sexy lingerie wearing wife. Even without factoring in my total lack of hormones.
HTH

No wonder

Firstly all they’re going to do on here is give out to you ! .
This isn’t a great place to come on here for advice . I know you just want a woman’s perspective.
You sound like a nice guy

In other words... "Ooooh, pick me, pick me! I'm not like all those other horrible bitter women. Pick me!"

🙄

Has she said why she's not feeling as sexual? Any ideas?

I've had several periods when my libido has disappeared.

Different reasons have been

Perimenopause
Stress
Depression
Medication side effects
Partner neglecting hygiene
Partner only being interested when it's sexual
Overworked and exhausted
Communication breakdown

It could be anything.

Do you both feel like your relationship is good?

40YearOldScottishDad
Hope you've been reading these replies!
Do you have any further comments you'd like to add?

Are you overweight? Do you lift weights or go to the gym? Do you give her massages or otherwise to try to set the mood? Maybe things between you both have just gone stale.

Think OP isn't interested in this thread anymore 😂

“ pick me , pick me “ , 😂 😂
Do grow up pp .
I just told the truth 🤷🏻‍♀️
The dear man is better asking Mother Superior for advice , than coming on here !!!
He was mostly met with women giving out to him , was he not ??

If you wanted to be a 'grown up' yourself you could have simply said that you disagreed with some of the other opinions provided, and put your own forward.

Instead you had to slag everyone else, indeed the whole site, and act like your point of view is the only one worth listening to.

And you literally said MN is a terrible place to come for advice then blurted out your own advice.... on MN

You know exactly what I was saying but you’re behaving as if you don’t ?

I think Mumsnet is a brilliant place to come to for advice , just not if you’re a man looking for a woman’s perspective .

You don't think there's a very clear, obvious reason why so many women are giving pretty much the same response here? Really? Maybe I'm reading too much into a username but if you are a 'miss' and 25 it might explain your response. I'd be interested to see what you'd say in your 40s and married... If I've assumed too much from your username then I apologise but let's be honest, this is not about snarky women being bitter. There's an absolute pandemic of fucking useless men who don't listen, don't do, have zero self-awareness and just expect to take, take, take.

*To be clear my husband is the opposite of this, I am not in this position at all but I see it around me all the time. It was my father, it would be my brother if he could even hide it long enough to fool someone into a relationship. It's quite frightening and makes me appreciate my lovely husband all the more.

I’m actually 50 pp 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Miss because I’m single , J , first initial of my name, 25 as I joined Mumsnet in 25 .

The man I wanted to marry & settle down with cheated on me with a work colleague, it was going on for a full year before I found out . He left me for her .
I was broken , I won’t lie .
I went onto meet my Ex who I share my lovely children with , I chose in haste i’m afraid, as I just wanted to settle down & have kids . He didn’t cheat but suffered with Peter Pan syndrome , he’s still the same ! .

When i read OPS post , I just felt sorry for him .
I suppose I just remember when I was so in love & my partner never wanted me intimately ( he was cheating ) .
The rejection was awful .

I do understand there is a pandemic of useless men out there , all I have to do is look here !.
I also know very good men , you say you have one of those & are happy . That’s great ☺️.
I hope I meet one of those some day .

There is a reason this sort of post is a trope - there are soooooo many posts by men wondering why there wife doesn't want to have sex with them when the reasons are often incredibly obvious to most women. The checklist - by no means exhaustive - is:

• Do you do your fair share as her equal partner - contributing to the income, childcare and household care on an overall fair basis. It's not attractive to be another person she has to look after so if you are - change that and start being an equal partner and she may want sex.
• Is she tired and exhausted from the stresses of modern life (2 kids, work, etc) and needs support (try and find some, e.g. maybe a cleaner more often, looking after your kids so she can go to the gym or meet friends for a drink, etc.)
• Has she even had time to go to the doctor if she is exhausted - two young kids means two pregnancies and if she never looked after herself she might have vitamin and mineral deficiencies that make her tired.
• Are you expressing interest in her as a person or just focused on tyring to find ways to pursuade her to have sex. Lingerie is not a present for her in most cases - its a present for you - for example.
• Are you interested in other elements of genuine intimacy - talking to her and understand her thoughts and feelings
• Have you tried to do nice activities with her, with or without the kids, that you can mutually enjoy.
• Have you made sure that sex was mutually enjoyable in the past and not just about your enjoyment