Page 3 | Think my wife isn’t interested in me anymore

Hegharty · 12/01/2026 08:30

Difficultsituation89 · 12/01/2026 08:11

if This is you and op - I hate to break it to you but something has to give.

it’s an illusion that we can do it all. You cannot fully engage in a demanding career as well as being there for everything for your kids every activity. There isn’t enough time in the day for that (unless you don’t yourself need sleep because you are a vampire).

Both of you are a team. You need to decide together how you can maintain careers and be connected with your kids. 99% of wake ups do not land on you. If you are both in demanding careers and reducing that isn’t an option (absolutely a valid option) maybe hire a nanny or a cleaner to pick up the grunt work so you both get to do the fun bits as a family.

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I don’t know if it’s DH. It sounds very familiar and this being posted last night shortly after we spoke makes me wonder. And I know he browses MN as I talk about it. Either way, will be NCing after this!

And we do have a cleaner and a part time nanny! I also work a four day week. Nanny does three school and nursery pick ups, with one of us being home for bath and bed, and we split the other two afternoons between us (one is my work non working day and the other we make up the time after they go to bed). We are very present during the weekends (unless one of us needs to work, which we do after bedtime unless we need more time, but that’s maybe once every few months).

But I don’t see myself staying in this career all the way - have always said once the right opportunity comes up, I’ll move.

I am also breastfeeding. Trying to wean as he’s now 26 months but having a toddler constantly pull at your breasts whilst you feel fat and ugly yourself just makes you feel touched out and not sexual at all.

I love my DH, he is an amazing man. I tell him that this is temporary - the kids are young (2 and 4) and we are in the thick of it. And I would never have posted admitting all this, but when I saw PP say their reasons were things like him not brushing teeth, I just didn’t want DH to start thinking there’s another reason I’ve not shared, and if it’s not him, then another perspective is still helpful!

secretrocker · 12/01/2026 08:36

People always talk about the mental load, division of work, etc. but honestly when I got to about 40 my sex drive evaporated and hasn't come back in 10 years, and it's nothing to do with my husband, it's me.
I would prepare yourself for this never changing.

Blueberrysqish · 12/01/2026 08:45

Holdmeclosertinydancer2018 · 12/01/2026 06:46

Sex is always the first thing to go once any kind of resentment/contempt creeps in. That can be resentment for having to do and think about everything in and out of the household ie, washing, cooking, cleaning, lunches, sorting Drs/dentists/opticians, reminding partners of their own families birthdays, buying the cards, gifts, carrying the weight of Christmas and other special seasons, acting as emotional support creatures for everyone in the house, buying new clothes, buying new clothes, caring for elderly parents, nursing sick family members. On top of this, many women also work of course.

Then there is the fact that many men see us as 2 dimensional creatures rather than real life, flesh and blood humans with our own interests, opinions, feelings and can't see past the idea that we only exist for others. Women generally want to be appreciated for who they are rather than simply someone who exists just to serve.

Ogling other women- this is a big one for me personally. I'm not an idiot, us women know that men are visually stimulated but if I see you constantly checking out other women, whether that be in the street or on a screen (either on Social Media or porn) then you are telling me two things 1) you have no self control which I don't respect and 2) you don't respect me enough to not make it obvious. This will make me lose both respect and attraction for you and sex will leave the chat almost immediately.

Other reasons for resentment are if you broke our bond/commitment in one way or another such as lying- women don't generally want to be intimate with a man we don't trust as he no longer feels safe and quickly starts to feel like a threat. Nobody in their right mind wants to be vulnerable with somebody who makes us feel unsafe.

We don't fancy you anymore- this doesn't happen in a vacuum, we tend to start off finding you very attractive but any/all of the above are death by a thousand cuts and the end result will be we simply do not fancy you anymore. Any attempts to connect by you are likely not to work as the kinds of attempts men tend to make are further off putting such as 1) dry humping us or grabbing/petting/groping us while we go about our day 2)Whining/sulking/demanding/getting angry or aggressive at the lack of sex 3) buying things to help aid sex life, because all these things go back to my original point that we end up feeling like a 2 dimensional creature that you want something from.

The key is usually communication (though if we are too far gone, even this won't help nothing will) to try and get to the root of the problem. If you handle this badly by claiming we are nagging/complaining, if you get defensive or angry, basically if you display no ability to listen and understand how we got here then we will move even further away from you emotionally and we will want sex even less. We may attempt a few more conversations on the topic but if there are repeated failures due to your inability to listen/accept/empathize with us then we will eventually give up completely.

I hope this helps.

Wow this resonated with me massively and was a huge factor in why my marriage ultimately failed
thank you for putting it so eloquently into words.
hopefully the OP will take note and listen.
i suspect not though…..

Whistlingmyrtle · 12/01/2026 08:46

Hi op.

Like others on here, the fact that your description of your wife consists of:

A “My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all”

B”Our sex life is virtually non-existent”

kind of says it all really because it sounds as if she only really exists in your mind in relation to what she does in the house and what she does in bed and not as a living, breathing, individual with thoughts, feelings, accomplishments of her own.

If you had started your post, my wife is a really lovely person, who is optimistic, hard-working and kind. She’s an accomplished teacher or engineer, who loves yoga and hill-walking.

Do you see the difference?

It could be so many things. Your relationship is really in trouble if your wife doesn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to you about this issue, never mind actually have sex.

It could be peri-menopause.

It could be that she has lost respect for you in other ways and has shut down. The usual one is resentment that she does the majority of the housework and childcare, as well working, and she feels exhausted and pissed off that you have become a third child who creates more household tasks, rather than an equal partner who steps up and who she can rely on.

Or it could be that she doesn’t orgasm when you have sex, for whatever reason, and it has all become one big chore. Many women don’t orgasm piv and take longer to warm up, whereas a lot of men are still very focused on a jackhammer penis for want of a better expression and don’t take enough time to focus on a woman’s body as a whole and on helping her to relax, so the overall experience isn’t pleasurable for her.

Or she has tried to talk to you about important issues in her life, or in your children’s lives, and you don’t listen properly and nothing changes, so she doesn’t feel heard.

So my first questions would be:
#who cleans the loos in your house?
#who washes the bed linen?
#who gets up in the night when your dc wake up or are ill?
#who knows the names of your children’s teachers?
#who cleans the kitchen floor?
#who listens to your children reading and signs the school forms?
#who cleans out the fridge?
#how much down time does your wife get in a week to decompress, pursue hobbies, or simply catch up on sleep?

Men often get this so wrong. Women don’t want to have to manage a man and every detail in the home. They want a man to see what needs doing and get stuck in consistently. .

Also, they don’t want to be only shown affection and gratitude when sex is potentially on the cards. Do you show interest in her in other ways and at other times?

WelshRabBite · 12/01/2026 08:50

There’s a hot dad at our kids’ school (just the one in a school of about 1,500 kids, which pretty much demonstrates the UK demographic of hot dads to non-hot dads, but I digress).

He has movie-star good looks, the kind that make people stare because you rarely see someone that attractive.

I’m sure that from a visual perspective, a lot of women find him attractive.

His wife is also gorgeous, and a lovely person. And over coffee one day made a casual comment about the only housework her DH ever did was empty the dishwasher, and most of that just ends up in a pile on the draining board.

He’s never cleaned the toilets, he can’t pack his own suitcase as he ends up forgetting essential items, he walks past things on the stairs that need to be taken up and he generally uses his wife as the source of all information “DW, where do we keep the kitchen roll? DW, what shoes should DC wear to scouts? DW, what did we get my sister for Xmas?”

I have genuinely never been able to see that man as attractive again. If someone showed me a photograph of him, and I didn’t know him, I’d say he is an absolute 10 out of 10 in the looks department. But knowing he’s a pathetic man-baby is a complete libido-killer.

They really aught to teach this to young boys, instead of this red pill, incel stuff, it could be a game changer.

MyNattyCrow · 12/01/2026 08:52

The advice I’d give to any man posting this is to actually try to see beyond themselves. This post is all about him - his wants and feelings. There’s very little sense that he’s considered his wife’s perspective in any meaningful way.

for example: “It’s difficult going to bed every night knowing that she has not interest in sex”.

This is all focused on how hard it is for him when she doesn’t give him what she wants. How hard is it for her to go to bed every night probably knowing that she’ll be pestered for sex she doesn’t want.

Same with the tone around lingerie being ‘off the table’. This feels almost sulky and is focused on his feelings but with no real attempt to consider how his wife might feel about a ‘gift’ that is more or less a demand for sex.

same with the night away where he clearly hadn’t even thought about his daughter’s dancing or made suitable childcare arrangements.

think of your wife as a person. A whole person. Consider what she actually wants and what her life is really like.

GKG1 · 12/01/2026 09:01

Vivaleconfused · 12/01/2026 00:22

Can only tell you from a wife’s perspective.

don’t find husband attractive anymore. He’s almost like another child, leaving all the emotional labour to me, leaving decision making to me etc.
sex is pretty meh. I rarely orgasm, he always does. I rather just masturbate or use my toys when he’s not around. I get an orgasm.
sometimes I feel he only wanted to know me when he wanted sex. He’d be pawing at me when I was trying to load the dishwasher, planning nights away etc. but seldom took any interest in me and the things I like (non sexual things).
each time I saw him side eye another woman or taking a double look at another women while we were out or driving, or saw him looking at another woman on social media (thirst traps, when he thought I wasn’t looking), it kind of was like blowing on a candle flame. I’m not jealous but it was the principal of it, and seeing him as some middle age pervert just like the ones I used to feel sorry for and try to avoid when I was young. Eventually the flame went out.
he rarely brushed his teeth.
he dressed like an old person. Stopped taking care of himself and his appearance. Zero effort.
sex was boring and predictable.
he hardly ever helped with housework or just did the minimum to a mediocre standard. So he was just a bit of a burden. Like a child. I don’t want to have sex with children so…

That was what happened with my husband of 20 years anyway. He was actually a top bloke but once the ick creeps in, there’s not really any going back.

I think this covers most bases. Take a good honest look at yourself and see if any of these things are true. If you are a bit lazy in bed or in domestic life, do something about that. But do the domestic bit before you start focusing on the sex, she will need time to see if any changes are real or just for the purposes of getting her to do what you want.

Think about what life is like from her perspective and take it from there.

Sugarsugarcane · 12/01/2026 09:19

moose62 · 12/01/2026 06:31

I'm surprised any man would venture on here. The majority of replies are so weighted towards the 'poor woman'.
Unfortunately your partner just might not want sex anymore with you. If she is unwilling to say why, or try, then unfortunately I see only two options.
Have a sexless marriage, which no one should have to, unless they choose it or walk away and find another partner more suited to your needs.
That's the advice I would give a woman!

I think it’s weighted on here due to experience of the majority but yep I agree, nobody should be expected to accept a sexless marriage if that’s not ok with them.
Poor communication is the root of the majority of relationship issues hey

Oneisnotamused · 12/01/2026 11:14

Yeah she just feels like a domestic servant who has overarching responsibility for all her "dependents." She doesn't feel sexy or desired any more. She sees your sexual needs as another thing on the "to do" list.

Foreplay for women isn't just about dressing up in sexy lingerie after they've had their hands in the washing up bowl all day and wiping shitty bottoms (if you've got small ones.) Who would feel turned on and ready to jump into bed for hot passionate sex after that? Literally no one. You included.

Think about how she might view herself at this moment in time - maybe she doesn't entirely like who she's become - this unpaid, undervalued servant who might feel invisible to everyone else. You need to bring out the individual you fell in love with. Date her, show her you "see" her for a person, take her out and cherish her doing the things you know she likes, not just a hotel room and lingerie for a night FFS, that's missing the mark and just adding more pressure on her to cater to your needs.

Women tend to feel more sexy if they have spent time being themselves, doing things they enjoy in the day, and are in a relaxed mood that enables them to reconnect with themselves without all the ceaseless fucking demands running a family and holding down a job entails.

Don't expect a pair of lacy knickers to make her want to jump your bones - that's clearly lazy thinking on your part. Go back to the drawing board. Talk to her and ask her what she'd like to do together as a couple, no sexual pressure involved. You really need to treat her like a woman, not a wife who's duty it is to serve you, and a mother who's duty it is to care for the kids.

ThisCleverRoseSquid · 12/01/2026 11:47

Vivaleconfused · 12/01/2026 00:22

Can only tell you from a wife’s perspective.

don’t find husband attractive anymore. He’s almost like another child, leaving all the emotional labour to me, leaving decision making to me etc.
sex is pretty meh. I rarely orgasm, he always does. I rather just masturbate or use my toys when he’s not around. I get an orgasm.
sometimes I feel he only wanted to know me when he wanted sex. He’d be pawing at me when I was trying to load the dishwasher, planning nights away etc. but seldom took any interest in me and the things I like (non sexual things).
each time I saw him side eye another woman or taking a double look at another women while we were out or driving, or saw him looking at another woman on social media (thirst traps, when he thought I wasn’t looking), it kind of was like blowing on a candle flame. I’m not jealous but it was the principal of it, and seeing him as some middle age pervert just like the ones I used to feel sorry for and try to avoid when I was young. Eventually the flame went out.
he rarely brushed his teeth.
he dressed like an old person. Stopped taking care of himself and his appearance. Zero effort.
sex was boring and predictable.
he hardly ever helped with housework or just did the minimum to a mediocre standard. So he was just a bit of a burden. Like a child. I don’t want to have sex with children so…

That was what happened with my husband of 20 years anyway. He was actually a top bloke but once the ick creeps in, there’s not really any going back.

great points here.
One more point that is missing is the hormonal changes. As the peri-m.. kicks in the mrs doesn't like a lot of things in men, it is not the wife's fault, it is how the hormones react and it takes years to get back in to action. Unfortunately, during this stage lots of marriages split. The important thing is it is crucial for both to recognise this and not get defensive that it is all woman's fault, i am not saying that, it is also a major factor for not indulging into sex.

Wynter25 · 12/01/2026 11:54

JudyMoncada · 12/01/2026 07:48

Lingerie. The least sex-inducing and unimaginative gift available. Fancy pants are purely for the male gaze and provide no benefit to the wearer. Quite the opposite, it adds more pressure to have to dress up and perform for hîm.

The kind of man who buys presents that add to a woman's workload and then posts on MN asking why it didn't work lacks the self awareness to fix the underlying issues.

See that wouldnt bother me. But everyone is different.

LadyBlakeneysHanky · 12/01/2026 12:11

I’ve come to the conclusion that most relationships between people who have children together end under the pressure of childcare and work. They might end in divorce or an open split, or they might just end quietly by the parties drifting apart but staying ‘together’ for practical reasons. Zombie marriages. No sex, or intimacy, or fulfilment, or joy.

The root of it is the huge pressure put on women both to work, and to perform the lion’s share of domestic & caring responsibilities, while men are infantilised. This just kills love.

I just don’t think the social and economic basis of society, as it is now, with most women needing to work long hours to pay bills, is compatible with maintaining fulfilling and happy parental relationships.

i have a fulfilling and happy relationship- but not with the father of my children. If we’d had children together, I doubt our relationship would have survived - at least not if I had to work full time or even 4 days a week.

blacksax · 12/01/2026 18:43

GCAcademic · 12/01/2026 01:19

My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all.

This is the problem. She's doing everything for all of you. Instead of being an equal partner, you're like one of the kids - someone she has to do things for. No woman wants to have sex with a dependent, even if they are grateful.

Yep. And all the OP is doing is giving the woman yet one more job to do.

bcski · 12/01/2026 19:12

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/01/2026 00:12

The weekly my wife doesn't want sex thread.

My thoughts exactly.

JudyMoncada · 12/01/2026 19:26

Wynter25 · 12/01/2026 11:54

See that wouldnt bother me. But everyone is different.

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And that's great if your sex life is active and healthy and you enjoy dressing up for your spouse. If you are already feeling the pressure to have sex that you aren't that fussed about, then being asked to gussy yourself up in uncomfortable lingerie for someone else's benefit is a huge turn off. Surely, even if you personally like it, you have the emotional intelligence to see why this tactic created such annoyance to a woman who doesn't?

HopefullyGrey · 12/01/2026 19:27

40YearOldScottishDad · 11/01/2026 23:52

First time posting here….my wife and I have been together for over 11 years and have been married for nearly 7 years and have two amazing kids. My wife is an amazing mum and I’m honestly so grateful for all that she does for us all. I’ve always had a higher sex-drive than my wife, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated as our sex life is virtually nonexistent. Think we’ve had sex twice in the past year and the past couple of times that I’ve tried to initiate it she’s either made excuses or, like the last time, tells me that she’s doesn’t find herself getting turned on anymore. She says she still loves me and finds me attractive but it’s difficult going to bed every night knowing that she has not interest in sex. I’ve tried to do different things to reignite our sex life but they haven’t worked. She ended up being really annoyed with me once after I bought her some lingerie (which I’d spent ages picking out so it wasn’t too provocative and genuinely thought she’d like it) so that’s a no-go area. I’m happy to do absolutely anything she wants to do and have no issue talking about sex, but she really doesn’t like to talk about it and got upset when we’ve spoken about it previously.
It was my 40th birthday a few days ago (hence the username) and we went out for the day, which was our first date for months. It was lovely but I’d previously mentioned about staying overnight somewhere, but she didn’t want to as our daughter had a dance class the other day. That is absolutely fine as ordinarily I wouldn’t want her to miss something she enjoys, but I thought it would be fine this once since we never get a night away just the two of us.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking this a bit much but just looking for some outside opinions as I don’t really like the idea of spending my life in a sexless marriage.

Thanks in advance!

If you hve to ask there is absolutely no way you are capable of fixing it.

FullLondonEye · 12/01/2026 19:35

What they've all said 👆.

Also, take a look at the current thread about a gift the recipient has to pay to use. The husband all smug thinking he's done a great job at Christmas presents, versus all the women on the thread calling him a lazy, selfish bastard. Illustrates very clearly the different perspective men and women are coming from.

RunnerMummy18 · 12/01/2026 19:36

Buying her underwear is actually just giving her another job/chore to do - it’s asking her to perform and telling her to feel pretty, which I imagine is hard if she’s exhausted. Do you wait until you go to bed to try and start things? Once she’s in bed - she’s switching off for the day and probably just wants sleep.
You could try and have some intimate time with her as soon as the kids have gone to bed. Start with just a big cuddle and a kiss, and each night just add a little more. Make her feel sexy but without needing to have sex, if that makes sense

Lolalady · 12/01/2026 19:41

One thing my friends and I used to say when we all had young families etc was we wished our husbands would give us a hug or a cuddle now and again without it being a preamble to sex!

Buying nice lingerie. Your wife will know exactly why and that’s a turn off!
Show your wife some love and affection. Do nice things for her and give her a break without expecting a reward. Remember women are wired differently to men!

Cakeandcardio · 12/01/2026 19:42

How many dinners have you planned, bought for and made this week? How often have you hoovered? Changed the bed? Organised school uniform?....

Luckyingame · 12/01/2026 19:44

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/01/2026 00:12

The weekly my wife doesn't want sex thread.

Exactly.

OP, you used the word sex seven times.
Tut, tut.
🙄

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/01/2026 21:35

OP if you are watching, hope you are taking on board what posters are saying.

CRD67 · 12/01/2026 23:10

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/01/2026 00:12

The weekly my wife doesn't want sex thread.

What a miserable relationship you must have

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/01/2026 23:58

CRD67 · 12/01/2026 23:10

What a miserable relationship you must have

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What me?

Migrainedays · 13/01/2026 01:12

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/01/2026 00:12

The weekly my wife doesn't want sex thread.

I read the same about women on here alot more.
My husband dont want sex anymore MN replies LTB lifes to short.

Whats the difference if a man asks the same thing.